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The Girlfriend Experience

By: Billy Beerslugger

Steven Soderbergh is an Academy Award Winning director of such films as Sex Lies and Videotape, Traffic, Erin Brockovich & The Oceans 11 franchise.  His latest film, The Girlfriend Experience is a film about a $2,000 an hour call who juggles a boyfriend and the demands of her profession.

The film stars Porn Actress Sasha Grey in the lead.  As far as I can tell this is the first major mainstream release of  a movie with a Porn Star as the lead, or at least a Porn Star who still works in Porn.  I don’t know if you think it’s significant but I think it definitely reflects a change in the way the mainstream now more readily accepts people in the adult industry.

While the movie does have a Porn Star as the lead it is said to have very little nudity and no sex.

In case your a porn junkie like me here’s some links to Sasha Grey’s work.

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I’d like to buy a vowel…

By: Billy Beerslugger

What’s up YouToobers, a couple of weekends ago was a 3 days booze fest complete with a fantasy baseball draft in a Jersey Shore beachfront house. There were at least 7 trashcans filled up with cans and bottles. Much Mac N’ Manco’s, some NBA JAM, Air Hockey and of course tournament style Wii Bowling and Tennis sprinkled amongst the all day drinking and NCAA Basketball games.

On Saturday, things took a decidedly interesting turn. All week in preparation of this draft weekend the “party planner” was asked to procure some adult entertainment. Basically we just wanted a girl to stand there topless and write draft picks up on the board much like Vanna White does the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

You would think this would be an easy task to get a adult entertainer to do. No dancing, no whorishness just stand there and look pretty. The “agency’s” though were asking their full rate, no discount. And it was pondered, “Why are we not getting a discount if all they are doing is just standing there?”. In these tough economic times even the stripper budget is cut back so we tried the unconventional route of calling some numbers on Craigslist “Erotic Services“, which is a nice way of saying hooker. Even these ladies were charging their full hourly rate to stand up there.

At this point my friend and I were in discussions about why a woman who was having sex for money would not discount her hourly rate to model instead of have sex. My friend noted that it was a weekend and prime rates would apply since if we were not going to pay it, someone else would.

He broke it down to me like this:

“If you were a male prostitute, would you rather have sex with one girl for an hour or discount your rate and hang around 10 girls balls naked for an hour without having to have sex?”. To which I replied, “it depends on what the girl I’m supposed to have sex with looks like.”. However, I do understand that as a female prostitute you are trying to maximize money so you would probably take the having sex for $200 over the modeling for $175. I get that, I really do.

We decided not to call anymore prostitutes, explaining what exactly we wanted to happen and them understanding we were not calling for sex became mentally exhausting.

We did learn a good lesson though:

If a prostitute is “In Call“, it means you must go to their location.

If a prostitute is “Out Call“, it means they will come to you.

If a prostitute is, “In / Out Call” it means they will either come to you or you can come to them.

I learned this after a prostitute had stated to me that, “I only do In Call, I don’t do Out Call”. Thinking these were some sort of sexual position I replied, “No, I don’t want sex I just want you to put some names up on a draft board topless”. She then explained the aforementioned In / Out Call scenario. (You never know when you may need to know information like this even if just for conversation.)

But I digress, back to the story. We ordered your regular garden variety, bachelor party strippers at full price. After some non-believers doubted the party planner, the two girls showed up. Hilarity ensued as one of our friends was beaten (by request) with his own belt. The girls also wrote some pretty snide remarks on his ass with magic markers. All this while another friend was making it “Flurry“.

Flurry, if the term has not been coined yet, is a form or precipitating dollar bills on to a stripper. While making it flurry, dollar bills come down softer and more deliberate than when someone “makes it rain“. Making it Flurry is more about great placement of the bill as it falls as opposed to having a bunch of bills fall at the same time randomly. Generally making it flurry is cheaper than making it rain.

My one friend wakes up the next day and takes a dump forgetting that he had markers still on his ass (and actually not even remembering these events transpire). This ass editorial (which included homophobic remarks) was transposed on to portions of the toilet seat. Much like a printing press marks newspaper, my friend’s left ass hieroglyphics on a toilet seat.

The best part was he denied taking the dump until we asked him to show us his ass. Afterward the prosecution rested.

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Naked Chicks (NS4W)

By: Billy Beerslugger

I feel like it’s my responsibility to bring the Beerslugger faithful interesting and thought provoking issues. As a man, there’s not really anything more interesting or thought provoking than naked women.

So from time to time I’ll try to get you links to celebrities in their birthday suits. Of course they will just be links so we’ll keep Beerslugger.com safe for work viewing (at least in terms of images).

Eliza Dusku, Chelsea Handler along with the hottest milf on the planet Cindy Crawford in the upcoming Allure magazine.

Audrina Patridge, of the Hills Fame, got naked a couple of years ago.

Megan Fox of the Transformers movies has some nipple band aids on.

Lindsay Lohan did a recreation of a Marilyn Monroe photo shoot last year.

Natalie Portman in some sort of “film” where she gets naked or at least you see her ass.

Oscar Winner “Marissa Tomei” in the Wrestler.

Kim Kardashian in Playboy.

In most if not all of these links the pictures are part of a series of pictures and you may need to click on an actual photos to see the girlie parts uncensored.

This should keep the spank bank open past regular store hours. But again we’re dealing with naked pictures here so use discretion in your place of work.

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Polygamy and The Girls Next Door

By: Billy Beerslugger

You gotta give it up to Hugh Hefner. Dude is like 80+ years old and pretty much has had any girl he ever wanted.  He’s the founder of Playboy magazine and has been male whoring it up ever since.  He lives in a mansion with a several “girlfriends” and given the show “The Girls Next Door”, you have to assume he takes heaping doses of Viagra and lays down so these young gold diggers can ride him until satisfaction.  And who knows maybe he bangs other girls too besides his girlfriends.

Recently he got 3 brand new girlfriends (video below) as the old ones (one of whom got married to Eagles receiver Hank Basket) moved on.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and besides the moral implications of glamorizing the life of a playboy bunny to 11 year old girls on the E network, what about the fact that he lives with 3 “girlfriends”.  I like the show Big Love, Bill Paxton has 3 fictitious wives in this show, all of whom live in the 3 houses right next door to one another.  This 3 wife, multi-child family depicted in the show is considered Polygamist.

Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one spouse at a time.  You may remember the April 2008 raid on a polygamist compound in Texas which was carried by every major news network and talk show for a good period of time last year.

That compound was raided because there was alleged child abuse occurring there and in general on these types of compounds it seems as if girls are forced to marry early into Polygamist families.

Obviously I’m not saying Hugh Hefner is raping little girls, but what is the fundamental difference between the actors pretending to live together in Big Love and Hefner and partners actually living together in The Girls Next Door?  In both instances 3 women share one man and engage in co-habitation.

In the Big Love scenario the extended family must try and hide their situation from the community for fear of being ostracized.  In the girls next door this scenario is championed.  It’s great the girls get naked, take pictures, go on trips together and generally have a worry free life.  The obvious difference is that Hef is not married to the “girlfriends” but if you are living with, banging and providing for 3 women that’s about as close as you can come to marriage without a certificate.

Now I’m not telling people how to live their life.  Hef wants to live with and be intimate with 3 women who want the same so be it.  A woman wants to live with and get rocked by 10 men who want the same, I’m all for that too.  All I’m saying is don’t glamorize one scenario in the media and shun the other.

And to elaborate further on my “Kids have it easy nowadays” rant, why couldn’t the E channel and the Girls Next Door be on when I was in my mid teens.  I was stuck spanking it to scrambled porn on cable and fake nudie pics of Sandra Bullock I found on CompuServe.  Every show these chicks get butt naked and E just blurs out the nipple and ass crack.  Then you got whorebag Kim Kardashian doing the same thing the next half hour.  But shit what teenage male today is watching TV when there’s free streaming video porn on the internet?

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The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part 3 of 3)

by F. Galvin

The cub – young, hot, naïve but difficult to train

The cub ranges in age from 18-24. The cub is full of energy, still has no worries and is only concerned with getting wasted, getting a 35k job and hanging with the girls. Typically guys are hot topics of conversations but put guys on the backburner when they feel like when they feel like hanging with the girls. Do not be fooled they are clingy as shit when they are bored and text you until there thumbnails cracks.

Cubs travel in packs. They are usually the most wasted group of people at the bar who are loud, outrageous, annoying but are also the best looking groups in the bar. If your out with a group of friends, cubs are usually the preferred group for that precise reason.

How to pick up a cub? Well its a lot like picking up a cougar but cheaper. Instead of buying her a grey goose martini, if you buy her a cherry bomb at 2am your good. Give her compliments just like cougar. Cubs are use to college guys who are dicks. What do you do? Give her the compliments, then fire in a cheap shot jab. Tell her she has sexy eyes but then make fun of her sleeveless nurtleneck. This is the way you seem sweet and sexy but also funny and edgy. Best of both worlds, a really nice guy who is funny is better than another total dick.

Then show the cub the difference of her being with you than a college kid. Buy her a couple of beers. Hear me a COUPLE. Don’t overdue it, do not be a chump. If you go too far a cub will take advantage of you. Yes, she is young and naïve, but she is also broke so she will take full advantage of your wallet. Before you buy her one miller lite draft make sure she has some interest in you. Make her laugh a couple of times. Touch her waist and shoulder to see how she reacts. Also, if she grabs your arm you are in. Really, this goes for all breeds but is the most common in cubs. Hear me, if she grabs or rubs your upper arm or thigh you are in.

Where to find cubs? Any bar with a special, in the city or outside the city. You will get a better quality of cubs in the city but the ones frequenting the rat holes outside the city are usually easier. From Labor Day until early May, any major city or college town is packed with cubs, most of which are tired of college guys and want someone more mature. (Even though your not, your just smarter.) From Memorial Day to Labor Day shore or beach is pulsating with cubs. This could be trickier though, they are on vacation and usually want to land the hottest guy possible. Counterpoint, if you land one, you are probably getting laid because they could care less, they are on vacation.

Relationships… This could be annoying. As I mentioned above once you get into a relationship with a cub they could get clingy. They really are not as busy as a tiger or cougar so in their spare time they may bother the shit out of you. Also, hanging out with her younger guys friends may drive you to homicide. If you are forced to go to a party with her, drink heavily because in between some douche taking shit on how much more he can drink than you and watching how annoying and sloppy her friends are, you may want to poke your eyes out. The perk to dating a cub is the sex. They are usually always DTF. Also, they are easy to please. You usually don’t have to take them anywhere nice and when you do, it is “the nicest thing any guy has every done for them.”

Cougars, tigers, and cubs all have their perks and downers. It is up to you what you want to deal with. I prefer the challenge of the cubs but really nothing beats a cougar story. Sorry tigers, I don’t want a demanding girl someone else already decided they didn’t want. I’m out.

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A Rant

By: Billy Beerslugger

I got text messages from two ex girlfriends today for varying reasons. I mean yea I guess in both cases we said we were going to be friends but who actually means that? If I want to see how one of my friends is doing I call them. I’m like “Hey how ya doing?”, my buddy goes, “Good How you doin?” Then we talk about other extraneous shit like how wasted we got last weekend or “How bout that local sports team? Boy are they sucking/doing well”.

I can hear the tone and inflection of my friends’ voice over the phone. I can tell if that person is happy, sad, laughing, surprised or confused. With a text message I have to read how the other person is feeling (LOL, ROTFL, HAHA). Sometimes I get text messages with just one letter (K). As if it was way too much trouble to write OK.

Phone calls are good because I can get the statement I am trying to convey over to my friend in the time it takes to say it instead of the time it takes for me to type it on a small ass keyboard (and I don’t care how fast you think you are at typing on your Iphone or Blackberry, you’re not beating speech chief).

I can’t tell you how much I hate having conversations over text messages. However, i don’t completely hate texting itself, just the use of texting as an impediment of actual human interaction. When I was a kid I thought by now we would be talking over video phones and stuff like that (which we actually have), but it seems more and more that people are intent on texting, IM’ing and messaging each other on Facebook and MySpace than actually interacting.

So this gets me to thinking about something else. Kids nowadays have it soooo easy (yes I’m going to sound old here). Until the last 5-8 years or so, if you asked a girl for her phone number in high school you got her house number. When you called her you ran the risk of the Dad answering, the Mom answering, an older brother asking you what the hell you wanted. Then you had to say something retarded like “I just wanted to ask Susie about one of our homework problems”. You also ran the risk of another person listening in on another phone in the house and foiling your plot to sneak out and play a little grab ass in the park that night.

You don’t have that now. You just call the girl on her cell phone. Bing Bang Boom, done deal. She might even surprise you with a “Sext Message”, which is a naughty picture of her sent via the cell phone. Maybe she makes a little movie with her friend of them dancing to Lady Ga Ga in bikini’s and puts it on YouTube.

God I envy you High School aged kid. Well except for the acne.

Note: This Rant was written while listening to ZZ Top’s Greatest Hits.

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The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part Deux)

by F. Galvin

The Tiger – The Beginning of the End

A tiger is a girl in between the ages of 25-34. She is a tough breed. A typical tiger has been around, she has been used, hurt, embarrassed and probably has watched a couple of her closest friends walk down the aisle. The tiger is smart, she typically won’t fall for your bullshit. She knows you are full of shit and won’t fall for your line unless she wants to use you as much as you want to use her. Tigers are a dangerous breed, they are looking for a husband, not their next side piece. Tigers get casual sex from ex-boyfriend they are familiar with and can trust or one of their closest friends who they can also trust. Bottom line, one night stands are not common unless she is a whore.

The best way to pick up a tiger is to be good looking and successful. They want a husband. They are tired of dating and want to settle down. Ok so how are you supposed to pick up a tiger considering your not successful and good looking. Well most tigers are still realistic, they know the probability of finding that perfect guy is fading with the next miller lite or stoli and soda. Be funny….Girls always like a guy that’s funny and that includes tigers. Do not be over the top and make an ass of yourself, be original and witty. Come up with a line that is really not a line and is more of a joke (Beerslugger is the resident expert in this matter refer to him for multiple quibs. Mine are few and far between and I can’t let them be plagiarized.)

Where do you find tigers? Everywhere, they are the easiest group to spot. Go to any trendy bar in any major city in the United States and it will be packed with tigers. There are countless groups of tigers but they go unnoticed the majority of the time. The tiger is usually not as good looking as a cub (see below) and she does not make for as good as a story as a cougar. Plus, if a guy is not looking for a relationship, the tiger gets skipped over. Also, tigers can be demanding, they know want they want and will play nice at first but will start making regular demands.
Tigers are the best option is you want a serious girlfriend. They typically are looking to get married even if they will not admit it. Every girl wants to get married. When they say they do not want to get hitched, it is only because the right opportunity has not come before them. See them for what they are, they still get wasted and will kiss up to your buddies at first but their ultimate plan is to train you into their husband. A tiger will give you enough ass to reel you in and reel you away from your boys.

It is tough to nail a tiger on the first night. If you do, you have good game or the tiger just doesn’t care. If she does give it up when she says “I usually don’t do this is” it is usually a blatant lie. Thy do it all the time, they have been around and around and around the block and treat alcohol as an aphrodisiac. Tigers can be stingy on sex. They are passed the horny cub stage and are not at the sexual peak like cougars. Basically, this breed can be prime for a killer migraine, they are demanding, want to get married yesterday, and do not want to screw you.

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The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part 1)

By: F. Galvin

How do you choose between a Cougar, Tiger, or Cub. This could be a difficult scenario but I will go through each grouping in detail to make you better understand the proper grouping of bitches for you. Many things go into this like attitude, neediness, maturity and looks. I will do my best to give a fair and accurate representation of each category.

First we delve into everyone’s favorite group the cougar.
“Its not the natives we fear it’s the Koogah….Koogah, your body is banging, but your face looks old, Koogah, whip out your titty its time for me to feed, lift up your skirt and let your wizard sleeve breathe.”

Cougars are an interesting breed. They are old chicks who want to bang young dudes. Women that have either gone through a divorce, been dumped through a long-term relationship, or even still married Mrs. Robinson style. Typically cougars are categorized at 40 and over but sorry ladies I categorize them at 35 and older. Really where else do women 35-39 fall. They are too old to be categorized as tigers, but they still are older and want to bang young dudes. For arguments sake, they are cougars.

A cougar’s makeup is obvious. She is dressed too fuck literally, all the time, no matter where she is at. Look for hooker boots, short skirts, boob shirts, and an old face hidden with a pound of Maybelline covering her crow eyes. The cougar tries to act hip, usually hanging out with a gaggle full of cougars or is hidden with a group of co-workers that are either off the market or are tigers. Also, don’t be surprised to see a cougar mixed in with a group of tigers, don’t fall for this trick she is still old. The cougar drinks high end drinks, typically some form of tops shelf martini or cosmopolitan. Now that you spotted your prey, (even though you might be the prey) what do you do?

To pick up a cougar is just like picking up girls at your high school when you were 15. Give them compliments, they are insecure and have been pushed around. They really are confused who they are as they are wearing clothes they haven’t worn for 20 years, hanging out with girls 10 years younger and really want attention. They are walking confident and talking confident but are ultimately alone. So give them compliments, don’t lead on that you know how old they are. Ultimately, act as if you are on an equal playing field with them.

Cougars also want to bang a good looking twenty something. Get your lazy ass to the gym or run. You don’t need to be in tip top shape, you just need to be clean cut, clean shaven, not being the annoying bar regular 6 months pregnant who is yelling how beautiful she is from across the bar.

Why is a cougar right for you? Cougars are great for one night stands. They have been out of the game for a long time, they are not sure how it works. Typically, the cougar sees you as a conquest as much as you see her. They usually will swallow the pill and brag to their girlfriends about how you could pump for five minutes without needing oxygen. They also can be good for casual dating. Most cougars are independent to a degree and are not clingy. They will give you space, they typically work or have kids or both so they won’t bother you. It is pretty safe to keep a cougar as a side piece.

What not to do? Get in a serious relationship with a cougar. Come on guys, who wants to be a kept man. Eventually the cougar will take control, the way Tom Cruise got owned in “Cocktail” and yes, you will be a bitch. Really, sex from a cougar is not worth being a bitch. Never.

The best part of sleeping with a cougar…the story…. Cougar stories are priceless, the lines you throw, at them and vice-versa, going back to their place to see picture of the kids (that’s if they are not home sleeping), finding a hidden butt dimple or a C-section scar. Really priceless.

You just got a cougar education. Stay tuned for Tigers Tomorrow.

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Mattress Recoil and the Nuances of Nookie

I’m moving soon.  I’ll be living with guys for the first time since college.  It got me thinking about my bedroom setup in college, particularly when I lived in my fraternity house.  We had lofts to utilize the space and high ceilings.  There was not a whole lot of room up in the loft so usually a box spring was out of the question.  I opted for a futon mattress at the suggestion of one of my older fraternity brothers.  I couldn’t tell you how pleased I was with the decision.  You see there is no recoil from a futon mattress because there are no springs, it simply didn’t move.  This made it extremely easy to get into a rhythm while playing hide the salami.  With a regular spring mattress you have to account for the “bounce factor”, and work that into an equation that includes rotating between fastballs and change ups to maximize endurance, hitting the right spots with your pitches and overall trying not to cum too early.  It was really nice to take the bounce factor out of the equation.

The only thing I was really losing with the bounce factor was when i was on the bottom.  With a spring mattress you can use the bounce factor to your advantage by incorporating it into a bottom power thrust that is actually pretty easy to get into a good rhythm.

However, how many girls do you know that actually liked being on top for an extended period?  It’s almost as rare as the girl who actually likes giving blow jobs.  Though I am under the school of thought that the guy should be doing most of the work.

Anyway, I’d like to hear some comments on if people are pro or anti “bounce factor”.  I’m going to guess most people make the magic happen on a regular spring mattress but if you’ve had experience on something that does not produce as much recoil I’d love to hear about it.

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Structure – Defunct Men’s Clothing Store

structure

It’s still somewhat cold, I’m wearing long sleeve shirts but there’s no need for a full on jacket so I broke out the Marty McFly poofy vest (circa 1999 from Structure).  It’s got down feathers in there so you know it’s good, kind of like walking around in a cloud.

Anyway, my friend and I were talking over a couple of adult beverages about how much we liked Structure in the 90’s (and how ridiculous I looked in a 1990’s poofy vest).  Then suddenly, in the great year of our lord 2000,  Structure was merged with Express, a woman’s clothing store, under the brand Express Men’s.

So now essentially when you buy something from Express Men’s, you’re technically buying men’s clothing from a woman’s store.  Like if Victoria’s Secret sold men’s underwear under the brand Victoria Secret Mens.  Would you do that?

After some  investigative work I found the Structure brand was sold to Sears sometime after the merger.  I wouldn’t buy any article of clothing from Sears. When I think of Sears I think of ratchet sets and shit like that.

So Structure’s former Parent Company, Limited Brands, is pretty major.  They did about 9.7 billion dollars in revenue last year.  And at one point or another owned pretty much every store in the mall. Limited, Limited Too, Bath & Body Works, Structure, Victoria’s Secret, Lane Bryant, The White Barn Candle Company, Express, Lerner New York & Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’m leading a team of investors to rescue the Structure Brand from Sears and return it to it’s 1990’s dominance of male teenage prepsters.  The offer now stands at a block of sharp cheddar cheese, a stray cat, a case of Schlitz beer, a broken lava lamp, a $20 gift certificate to the Olive Garden and 10 shares of Citigroup (C), from our 301k, valued at the time of this article at $17.90. We need your help to sweeten the pot!

note: When I say “investigative work” I mainly mean Wikipedia.  And also feel free to write the article on Structure in Wikipedia because there is none. Please note in this article that the Beerslugger Group Ltd. is trying to acquire the Structure brand from the evil Sears Corporation.