By: Billy BeerSlugger

I have a friend who is currently enamored with the sultry stylings of Meatloaf or more particularly one song, I Would Do Anything for Love. Recently she emailed me with the graphic pie chart to the right which she thought was hilarious.

Now I appreciate novelty, I really do but I had to completely disagree with the math presented in this. Clearly if he won’t do “that” then at least a portion of the pie chart would have to be green. It doesn’t even matter what “that” is, if Meatloaf will not do one thing for love then the entire pie chart cannot be 100% colored by “anything”. Even if there was infinity things Meatloaf would do for love he would still not do that one thing and therefore I think my logic is pretty good.

Now is there something in the song that would lead you to believe that he would do “that”? The last words of the song are, “…but I won’t do that.”. I think that really wraps my case up.

Now my friend who sent me this is pretty livid on how I took her funny little pie chart and turned it into an argument but I’m not going to stand for faulty logic… and you shouldn’t either.

Bob McFlurry with Sports

I’ll never get why it’s big news when an athlete or celebrity gets pulled over for speeding or driving erratically. DUI is a different story but just going 20-30mph above the speed limit? People get pulled over for that every day and they are not made to be ridiculed on TV for it and seriously isn’t there something you could be covering that has a little more journalistic integrity ESPN?

I for one drove to Chicago as fast as the car and traffic conditions would allow last month, probably averaging around 90mph but hitting as high as 115mph. I was in complete control of the car the entire time and it was all highways and during daylight. Now I’m not saying I’m right but I didn’t put anyone in danger. Maybe these athletes were driving a little erratically but for the most part I just read or hear that X athlete was pulled over for doing 100mph in a 65mph or something of the like. With the souped up cars these guys drive 115mph can feel like 70mph. I’m sorry people but that is not news. Someone getting a traffic ticket is definitely not news it’s tabloid fodder.If the person gets pulled over and then gets arrested on outstanding warrants then print that, don’t tell me so and so got pulled over and got a traffic ticket though. It’s a waste of the 5 seconds it took me to read it across the bottom line

If ESPN wants to be the TMZ.com of sports news then I’m all for it. But if you want to be taken seriously just report on sports, not what Brett Favre is having for breakfast or if Tiger Woods just took a dump.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I’m not really sure what Lovaza is but I know that if it’s made in a kick ass underwater laboratory like the one in the commercial it can’t not be good.  The laboratory resembles something I think the Cobra Commander or Dr. Evil would have his base of operations. And how cool would it be to work in an underwater laboratory? One minute you are looking at a microscope slide, the next you look up and there’s a school of fish or a stingray. Fantastic!

You have to wonder what the waiting list is to be a scientist for Lovaza just to get the chance to possibly work in this underwater facility. Right now I’m trying to find out where this place is and if it is on a list of top 10 offices ever.  A portion of my guess as to why it is underwater is because Lovaza deals with fish oil and fish live underwater. Makes complete sense to me. You no longer have to be a marine biologist or oceanographer to work underwater. And the scientists go WILD!

Seriously though you may have seen this commercial and thought nothing of it. I saw a big bullshit sign. It’s just another in a long line of advertisements for prescription drugs which make something seem more attractive than it is. No one wants to take pills so these drug companies put imagery of an underwater laboratory or his and her clawfoot tubs on a beach to dress it up and make it look appealing like a cigarette commercial. And there’s absolutely no way that any company would sell anything that could be deemed hazardous to our health is there?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

It was only a couple of months ago since I wrote an article about how the porn industry has helped shape and standardize technologies. In the article I mentioned that the first 3-D porno would probably come out within the year and that hypothesis was apparently right on track. Vivid Entertainment is coming out with a movie called “This Ain’t Avatar XXX”. Not sure if the film will feature lanky blue people with tails but I’m sure there will be some tail in it and worth a spank or two just for the novelty. How silly will you look jerkin your gherkin with 3-D glasses on? How much better can 3D Porn be than regular Porn?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Somewhere around 2005 I began using Netflix to rent movies online and it was a far better service than any major Movie Rental place like Blockbuster or Hollywood Video. You could rent video games at those places but the service was about as good as the movies and the late fees still applied.

Fast Forward to January of this year and I started using GameFly. GameFly operates pretty much the exact same way that Netflix does in that there are no late fees and you receive your games in the mail. Again I could not be happier about the results of this service. Instead of sinking $40+ dollars into a new game and then finding out it sucks you can rent it from GameFly. If you like it play it until beat the game and send it back when you’re done. If you really like it then you have the option to buy the game for less than you can in the store. If you don’t like the game you send it back immediately and get the next game in your queue.

There really isn’t a better service out there for renting and previewing video games. It carries all the major console games like PS2, PS3 and PSP, XBOX and XBOX:360, Wii, Nintendo DS and Gamecube. The best part is that it’s FREE TO TRY! Or you can start for only $8.95. Whether you are an avid gamer or just play occasionally games there isn’t a reason not to use this service.

And the winner is... Pedophiles!

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I may be behind the times a little bit because last night was the first time I had witnessed the Soft Core porn for child molesters that is Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC. It is a show in which young girls under the age of ten get all glam’ed up with makeup, fake hair, spray tans, fancy dresses and prance around a stage while a bunch of house moms live vicariously through their children.

While I’m not one to tell people what to do with their children or in favor of making laws banning child beauty pageants, this is certainly a show that the world in general could probably do without. In a time where the European Union is considering saving all web searches in an effort to combat child porn (or just be big brother) and Dateline: To Catch a Predator is popular for catching Child Sexual Abusers TLC should probably think twice about the programming they are putting on TV for weirdo’s to consume.

The parents of the kids on this show should also be reasoned with. Aside from my reasoning that no child should be subjected to being on a reality TV show, I don’t think that the sexing up 3 – 10 year old girls is a good thing for America and I think really puts those kids into danger. It kind of gives child sex abusers an excuse, “I wouldn’t have kidnapped and abused the little girl on Toddlers & Tiaras if she wasn’t so damn sexy on the show.”.

Maybe your girlfriend watches this show, maybe your Mom or sister, it doesn’t matter; if you find pleasure in watching this show you are a weirdo. If you are a male and watch the show you obviously have some problems. If no one watches the show it gets cancelled and maybe you save some little girl from getting sexually abused. Think about that next time you turn on your TV.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Why is anyone really surprised that this badass biker dude with tons of tatoos and used to be married to a Porn Star cheated on Sandra Bullock? Seriously? I know women are all up in arms about this but given the situation was anyone really taken aback by this infidelity revelation?  Let me go back a sentence and repeat the whole fact that he was married to and has a child with porn star Janine Lindemulder.

So dude goes from being married to an award winning Porn Star and probably being used to some pretty crazy shit in terms of the relationship to being married to Sandra Bullock, award winning movie star who is probably a lot less sexually adventurous.  Then James goes outside of the marriage to get some fetish sex or whatever he’s into and everyone’s like, “oh my God, how could you cheat on Sandra Bullock”.  No one saw this coming? Really? Seriously? You poor naive general public.

It is fascinating to me that this is such a huge news story. Jesse James has seen such a media backlash (somewhat rightfully so) but who’s really at fault here? Probably Jesse James for lying about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship (if that was even an agreement) or Sandra Bullock for marrying a guy who’s best known for making custom motorcycles, being a bodyguard for heavy metal bands and being married to a popular late 90’s porn star?

Just let that marinate for a little bit. I’m not saying that it’s right to cheat but couldn’t this situation have been avoided altogether if both people had exercised a little logical thinking?

BTW: Shocker this story comes out after right after Bullock wins an oscar. Nothing like a bitch using her body to make money, then make even more money by releasing the story about using her body to make money. It’s a disgrace to honest, hard working strippers and hookers everywhere.

Leno never grew a beard during the Strike.

By: Billy Beerslugger

I know this story is a little old but given I took the entire BeerSlugger.com team to Costa Rica for the month of January and we couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal, this is as good a time as any to weigh in on the subject.

Firstly, I can’t stand Jay Leno, never could, never will. Maybe he’s it’s his writers fault for the crappy, predictable jokes he comes out with nightly. Maybe he’s just too corporate, maybe he’s on the West Coast and I’m on the East Coast, it really doesn’t matter. I have always been a Letterman guy myself and even though he can be annoying at times, the things he can pull off on his show, the comedic risks he takes with asinine skits and recurring preposterousnous more than make up for it.

But I didn’t write this article to tell you about how much I like Letterman, though the Conan /Jay situation did get Dave badmouthing Leno, a subject taboo until recently on the Late Night.  Anyway, Conan is going to be OK, in fact I think he’s going to be more than OK, he gets to do what Letterman did and go to another network and have pretty much full control over HIS product, succeed or fail it really will be on Conan to make it work and I believe he will.

I’ll try not to go into detail about the mess but I won’t try and hate on Jay Leno too much either. I think it’s a case of NBC being very greedy, they signed Conan to take over the Tonight Show in 2005 when Conan could have gone on to another network for more money. However, it’s not Leno’s fault they threw a show at him and a bunch of money to go on right before Conan at 10pm.  It’s Leno’s fault for taking offer but you can’t fault NBC for trying to keep Leno from destroying Conan in the ratings (which he would have if  Leno went to Fox or wherever), in 2005 it’s a win-win.

Fast forward 2010, you have Conan faltering in the ratings, partly because or no substantial lead in audience due to Leno’s show tanking but also because it takes time to build an loyal audience like Leno and Letterman have done over the past couple decades.  So NBC now sees their worst nightmare come to fruition, the Leno or Conan debate again. Still, even after all of this Leno is going to crush Conan in the ratings if he goes to another Network so the easiest thing to do is try to force Conan to quit, which is what they did essentially trying to demote Conan back to Late Night.  Instead Conan did what I hoped he would do, force a paid exit and be allowed to reformulate his show in the near future.

So it kind of worked out for everyone even though it was pretty messy there for a couple weeks. Leno gets the Tonight Show back, Conan will get his “Letterman” opportunity and Letterman is #1 in Late Night.  What will be very interesting to watch is the Late Night talent assembled behind Letterman and Leno as they continue to get closer to retirement. Jimmay Fallon has shown the kind of innovation, risk taking and downright absurdity pioneered by Letterman and continued by CoCo. Not to mention Craig Ferguson is fucking hilarious. Crappy skits aside, when it came down to it, I’ll admit I chose Craig over Conan though partly because I’m loyal to Letterman and don’t like flipping channels that late.

Either way, Letterman and Leno can’t very well be rocking Late Night into their 70’s which puts Fallon and Ferguson in a very good position.  If I had my way, I’d like Conan to take over for Letterman sometime in the near future and I’m sure that’s been talked about by the CBS brass.  It would be fitting to see Letterman hand the job off to Conan, both men being weaseled out of the Tonight Show job by the same person. I think Letterman’s successor is already booked though. Ferguson and O’Brien went head-to-head in terms of ratings late in Conan’s tenure as Late Night host.

The good thing is it’s almost over. Wherever Conan lands will be the ultimate decider of what will happen for the next decade of Late Night television. Only time will tell but it should be pretty interesting and it already has been.

Thank God JWow's breast don't move or there could be some wardrobe malfunctions.

By: Billy Beerslugger

This weekend I subjected myself to more MTV than I have watched probably since 2002 or so.  I could not get away from the phenomenon that is “The Jersey Shore”.  Guido’s, Guidettes, Blowout’s, fake tans, muscles and a whole lot of attitude. Pretty much what i expected from this show but after I watched it as research (I’m a hypocrite), then sat in with my roomates to watch a portion of it, then went over a friends house and they were watching it I seriously will not watch this show again.  I stopped watching “The Real World” after Pedro died in season 3 and “The Jersey Shore” is nothing more than a rehash of the Real World formula with the twist of having all Italian American’s as house inhabitants and a whole bunch of sterotypical behavior.  I can tell you how this show in it’s entirety will go: fist fights, fist pumping, drinking, shit talking about roommates, roommates hooking up (some of whom have boyfriends), roommates getting in a fight after hooking up, girls getting pissed about other girls being in the house, half the show being bleeped or blurred out, lame Guido stereotypical behavior, people get fired from their job selling t-shirts but are ultimately let back to work because it’s really hard selling t-shirts, some girl gets punched in the face by a dude.  Now save yourself the couple hours of your life and learn something.

For as much complaining as I’ve heard coming from the New Jersey tourism associations it didn’t stop them from running an ad during the show about Ocean City NJ.

Now onto the next farce I’ve seen on MTV that should have been pulled, DJ AM’s Gone Too Far follows the deceased record spinner while he tries to help them kick their addictions to drugs and alcohol.  The problem I have with this show still being on the air is that DJ AM died of a fucking drug overdose.  Wouldn’t that kind of be like if Oprah starred in a show about losing a weight and then her stomach explodes from eating too many Twinkies? This isn’t to say that DJ AM is a bad dude or that it’s easy to kick drugs but it’s not exactly inspiring that the host of a show about kicking your drug habit dies from a drug overdose. Do you see what I’m saying here? The guys credibility is completely ruined.

Sports with Bob McFlurry

So Allen Iverson may retire, he’ll probably come back later this year to play for a contender but he’s not playing professional basketball right now after a short stint with Memphis.  It’s somewhat sad to see a player I pretty much grew up with on the fence about his athletic future but in a lot of ways the retirement of most of my sports hero’s from my youth prepared me for this time.  To tell you the truth I was way more taken aback by the trade of Chuck Barkley to the Suns for Jeff Hornacek and a couple other no names. I cried when Mike Schmidt announced his retirement. I was bitter that Randall Cunningham was run out of town in favor of Rodney Peete only to see Randall lead the NFL’s most prolific offense ever (to that point) 3 years later in Minnesota. I wasn’t particularly shocked that Iverson was traded away a couple years back because just like my last relationship, I could see the signs that things weren’t going to work themselves out.

I love Allen Iverson. He was perfect for a city that prides itself on the underdog status and made millions believe he could bring a Championship to Philadelphia for the first time since Dr.J was running up and down the Spectrum floorboards.  He could drop 30+ on any team any night of the week and did most of his time in Philly. He played through injuries and he gave you everything he had any time he stepped on the court in a game (not talkin’ bout practice).  I can still feel the goosebumps I got from going to the playoff game in 2001 against the Raptors and Iverson and Vince Carter both dropped 50+. It is a top two sporting event that I have ever been to.

For the better part of his career he led the league in minutes, shots and points, later throwing in steals to the mix.  But for every 50 point game, for every feat of athleticism, amazing shot or electric, hustle play he never won a championship.  He’s won an MVP, been to All Star games, been rookie of the year but he could never win a title with him as the go to guy.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of though, there’s lots of Hall of Famer’s who never got a ring. The thing is, Iverson can still get a ring albeit not with him starting somewhere.  If he doesn’t accept the fact that he’s going to have to play off the bench somewhere, hopefully for a contender then he probably should retire. At 34 he can’t be “The Answer” for a franchise but he can be “The Answer” in short bursts coming off the bench and spot starting for a team that is jockeying for a Championship run.

Though for everything that made Iverson great in his career, pride, tenacity and a never say die attitude, these are things that may be holding him back from being a successful 6th man in the NBA.  He still feels like he can be the man and help a team win the way he’s been “accustomed” to his entire career save last season.  Problem is, no one else thinks the same way, at least not in a starting role.

So for him being “The Answer” he does leave us with a lot of questions. Will he come back, will he retire?  What would have happened if Iverson had been paired with a legit big man? There was one thing he was the answer to though, ticket sales for the Sixers and most arenas when he was on the road.  Everyone wanted to see the most electrifying player in the NBA in the early to mid 2000’s.  Shame we’re here in 2009 and one of the greatest talents in league history hasn’t gotten any closer to a Championship than those halcyon days of 2001.  Only time will answer the question if he will ever get back there and we’ll all just have to wait and see.