The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part 3 of 3)

by F. Galvin

The cub – young, hot, naïve but difficult to train

The cub ranges in age from 18-24. The cub is full of energy, still has no worries and is only concerned with getting wasted, getting a 35k job and hanging with the girls. Typically guys are hot topics of conversations but put guys on the backburner when they feel like when they feel like hanging with the girls. Do not be fooled they are clingy as shit when they are bored and text you until there thumbnails cracks.

Cubs travel in packs. They are usually the most wasted group of people at the bar who are loud, outrageous, annoying but are also the best looking groups in the bar. If your out with a group of friends, cubs are usually the preferred group for that precise reason.

How to pick up a cub? Well its a lot like picking up a cougar but cheaper. Instead of buying her a grey goose martini, if you buy her a cherry bomb at 2am your good. Give her compliments just like cougar. Cubs are use to college guys who are dicks. What do you do? Give her the compliments, then fire in a cheap shot jab. Tell her she has sexy eyes but then make fun of her sleeveless nurtleneck. This is the way you seem sweet and sexy but also funny and edgy. Best of both worlds, a really nice guy who is funny is better than another total dick.

Then show the cub the difference of her being with you than a college kid. Buy her a couple of beers. Hear me a COUPLE. Don’t overdue it, do not be a chump. If you go too far a cub will take advantage of you. Yes, she is young and naïve, but she is also broke so she will take full advantage of your wallet. Before you buy her one miller lite draft make sure she has some interest in you. Make her laugh a couple of times. Touch her waist and shoulder to see how she reacts. Also, if she grabs your arm you are in. Really, this goes for all breeds but is the most common in cubs. Hear me, if she grabs or rubs your upper arm or thigh you are in.

Where to find cubs? Any bar with a special, in the city or outside the city. You will get a better quality of cubs in the city but the ones frequenting the rat holes outside the city are usually easier. From Labor Day until early May, any major city or college town is packed with cubs, most of which are tired of college guys and want someone more mature. (Even though your not, your just smarter.) From Memorial Day to Labor Day shore or beach is pulsating with cubs. This could be trickier though, they are on vacation and usually want to land the hottest guy possible. Counterpoint, if you land one, you are probably getting laid because they could care less, they are on vacation.

Relationships… This could be annoying. As I mentioned above once you get into a relationship with a cub they could get clingy. They really are not as busy as a tiger or cougar so in their spare time they may bother the shit out of you. Also, hanging out with her younger guys friends may drive you to homicide. If you are forced to go to a party with her, drink heavily because in between some douche taking shit on how much more he can drink than you and watching how annoying and sloppy her friends are, you may want to poke your eyes out. The perk to dating a cub is the sex. They are usually always DTF. Also, they are easy to please. You usually don’t have to take them anywhere nice and when you do, it is “the nicest thing any guy has every done for them.”

Cougars, tigers, and cubs all have their perks and downers. It is up to you what you want to deal with. I prefer the challenge of the cubs but really nothing beats a cougar story. Sorry tigers, I don’t want a demanding girl someone else already decided they didn’t want. I’m out.

Messing with Cab Drivers

Driver's Rights and Responsibilities

By Gene Yuss

I’m a businessman. I dress like a business man. When you see me on the corner during a business day waiting to cross the street I probably looked hurried. I have business meetings to get to. When you see me on elevators, in cabs, or God help me slumming it on buses I’m checking my Blackberry. I have decisions to make, axes to grind, and fish to fry. I use business jargon constantly. All I talk about is the net effect, creating synergies, and networking opportunities. I just got back from London – business. In two weeks I’ll be in Orlando – conference.

With a fast-paced life it is important to step back and enjoy the simple things. Here’s a fun game I found while waiting for business associates.

Without question if you stand on the corner in business attire cabs will honk at you as they drive by. Philadelphia either has the highest concentration of homosexual cab drivers ever, or they are hoping for your fare.

Smile at them when they honk. They will slam on the breaks and change lanes faster than Dominic Toretto. It is hilarious to watch them put themselves and everyone else driving around them in extreme danger. It is as if they think you are the businessman equivalent of John Madden, and you need to get to Chicago immediately. Their ship has finally come in…

Once they pull over, usually half a block away, they will honk again. Smile and wave politely to their rear-view. After a minute or two they will realize that they have stopped for no reason. The reaction is priceless. These guys can’t speak a lick of English when you get in the car, but they can throw expletives with the clarity of Veronica Corningstone when you wrong them.

I had a buddy that used to give business cards to cab drivers and ask them to call him before the next 9/11 so he could stay home. Not a fun game. First, you’re in the car and the irate anti-bather can reach you. Second, it is racial profiling. Not cool. Mess with all cab drivers, not just those pushing the security measures at the airport to orange.

Note: I have seen four cab accidents to date, based on completely unrelated circumstances. If an accident is caused, this game doesn’t exist. It is probably not a good idea to be a witness either for police report purposes.

The NFL Draft

By: Billy Beerslugger

I have not been this excited about the NFL draft in a really long time (not since the last NFL draft).  The Eagles have 12 picks in the draft, 2 in the first (21, 28).  The 28th pick is Carolina’s, which I don’t understand since the eagles went farther in the playoffs then Carolina.

Other picks include:

  • 2nd round 53rd overall.
  • 3rd Round 85th overall.
  • 4th Round 121 overall.
  • 5th Round (141, 153, 157, 159 overall)
  • 6th Round (194,195 overall)
  • 7th Round 230 overall

I would be a lot happier about the Eagles 12 picks in this upcoming draft if a couple more picks were in the first 4 rounds. 7 picks in the last 3 rounds when the talent pool is extremely slim.  5 picks in the top 4 rounds.  Things could be worse though.

I’ll tell you what, I love Knowshown Moreno at 21 if he’s there.  Some people are thinking about Beanie Wells as a complement to B-West but I’m thinking Knowshown is the replacement in about 2 years or so.  Plus Beanie didn’t really block at OSU, which is critical for an RB in the West Coast offense.

A lot of prognosticators have the Eagles selecting an OT in the first round which I do not buy.  Yes the Eagles are somewhat thin at tackle.  I’m thinking they can move either Herremans or Shaun Andrews(given he’s not bonkers) out there which Joe Banner has acknowledged is a possibility.

If there’s one thing that Andy Reid does well it’s draft offensive lineman.  Doug Brzezinski and John Welbourn in 1999.  Shawn Andrews in 2004. Todd Herremans in 2005. Max Jean-Gilles in 2006.  All have been servicable in the NFL.  None of whom were taken before the 3rd round except Andrews.  Sure there have been some misses but overal Andy knows O Line.

So here’s why I don’t think the Eagles draft  a Tackle in the first round.  I’m really thinking the Eagles make a move for a receiver the likes of  Braylon Edwards, Ocho Stinko or Boldin. I’m hoping the Eagles will muster up the testicular fortitude to give McNabb a true number 1 receiver.  Thats going to take a number one pick (21th or 28th) probably a later round pick (hopefully one of our four 5th rounders)  and Reggie Brown.  At this point you are left with 1 first round pick and need to address RB in the draft.  I would take either Moreno or Wells, whomever was still on the board (Moreno being ahead of Wells).

If neither of them is available you have to evaluate talent at Tackle and RB and take the best guy on the board.  With your next selections on day one you could seek to acquire o-guards and or o-tackles.  Of course Andy Reid could just screw this up completely by taking someone completely off the Radar like he did with Kevin Kolb (who is the next Bobby Hoying by the way).

There are very pressing needs at WR and RB with a less than pressing need at OT than people think.  This is the last/second to last year that Donavan McNabb is an Eagle.  Give him the weapons, make the run at the Super Bowl like in 2004 with a number 1 receiver.

Note: When Donovan McNabb is not the QB of the Eagles you will be bitching about how bad Kevin Kolb is.

A Rant

By: Billy Beerslugger

I got text messages from two ex girlfriends today for varying reasons. I mean yea I guess in both cases we said we were going to be friends but who actually means that? If I want to see how one of my friends is doing I call them. I’m like “Hey how ya doing?”, my buddy goes, “Good How you doin?” Then we talk about other extraneous shit like how wasted we got last weekend or “How bout that local sports team? Boy are they sucking/doing well”.

I can hear the tone and inflection of my friends’ voice over the phone. I can tell if that person is happy, sad, laughing, surprised or confused. With a text message I have to read how the other person is feeling (LOL, ROTFL, HAHA). Sometimes I get text messages with just one letter (K). As if it was way too much trouble to write OK.

Phone calls are good because I can get the statement I am trying to convey over to my friend in the time it takes to say it instead of the time it takes for me to type it on a small ass keyboard (and I don’t care how fast you think you are at typing on your Iphone or Blackberry, you’re not beating speech chief).

I can’t tell you how much I hate having conversations over text messages. However, i don’t completely hate texting itself, just the use of texting as an impediment of actual human interaction. When I was a kid I thought by now we would be talking over video phones and stuff like that (which we actually have), but it seems more and more that people are intent on texting, IM’ing and messaging each other on Facebook and MySpace than actually interacting.

So this gets me to thinking about something else. Kids nowadays have it soooo easy (yes I’m going to sound old here). Until the last 5-8 years or so, if you asked a girl for her phone number in high school you got her house number. When you called her you ran the risk of the Dad answering, the Mom answering, an older brother asking you what the hell you wanted. Then you had to say something retarded like “I just wanted to ask Susie about one of our homework problems”. You also ran the risk of another person listening in on another phone in the house and foiling your plot to sneak out and play a little grab ass in the park that night.

You don’t have that now. You just call the girl on her cell phone. Bing Bang Boom, done deal. She might even surprise you with a “Sext Message”, which is a naughty picture of her sent via the cell phone. Maybe she makes a little movie with her friend of them dancing to Lady Ga Ga in bikini’s and puts it on YouTube.

God I envy you High School aged kid. Well except for the acne.

Note: This Rant was written while listening to ZZ Top’s Greatest Hits.

The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part Deux)

by F. Galvin

The Tiger – The Beginning of the End

A tiger is a girl in between the ages of 25-34. She is a tough breed. A typical tiger has been around, she has been used, hurt, embarrassed and probably has watched a couple of her closest friends walk down the aisle. The tiger is smart, she typically won’t fall for your bullshit. She knows you are full of shit and won’t fall for your line unless she wants to use you as much as you want to use her. Tigers are a dangerous breed, they are looking for a husband, not their next side piece. Tigers get casual sex from ex-boyfriend they are familiar with and can trust or one of their closest friends who they can also trust. Bottom line, one night stands are not common unless she is a whore.

The best way to pick up a tiger is to be good looking and successful. They want a husband. They are tired of dating and want to settle down. Ok so how are you supposed to pick up a tiger considering your not successful and good looking. Well most tigers are still realistic, they know the probability of finding that perfect guy is fading with the next miller lite or stoli and soda. Be funny….Girls always like a guy that’s funny and that includes tigers. Do not be over the top and make an ass of yourself, be original and witty. Come up with a line that is really not a line and is more of a joke (Beerslugger is the resident expert in this matter refer to him for multiple quibs. Mine are few and far between and I can’t let them be plagiarized.)

Where do you find tigers? Everywhere, they are the easiest group to spot. Go to any trendy bar in any major city in the United States and it will be packed with tigers. There are countless groups of tigers but they go unnoticed the majority of the time. The tiger is usually not as good looking as a cub (see below) and she does not make for as good as a story as a cougar. Plus, if a guy is not looking for a relationship, the tiger gets skipped over. Also, tigers can be demanding, they know want they want and will play nice at first but will start making regular demands.
Tigers are the best option is you want a serious girlfriend. They typically are looking to get married even if they will not admit it. Every girl wants to get married. When they say they do not want to get hitched, it is only because the right opportunity has not come before them. See them for what they are, they still get wasted and will kiss up to your buddies at first but their ultimate plan is to train you into their husband. A tiger will give you enough ass to reel you in and reel you away from your boys.

It is tough to nail a tiger on the first night. If you do, you have good game or the tiger just doesn’t care. If she does give it up when she says “I usually don’t do this is” it is usually a blatant lie. Thy do it all the time, they have been around and around and around the block and treat alcohol as an aphrodisiac. Tigers can be stingy on sex. They are passed the horny cub stage and are not at the sexual peak like cougars. Basically, this breed can be prime for a killer migraine, they are demanding, want to get married yesterday, and do not want to screw you.

The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part 1)

By: F. Galvin

How do you choose between a Cougar, Tiger, or Cub. This could be a difficult scenario but I will go through each grouping in detail to make you better understand the proper grouping of bitches for you. Many things go into this like attitude, neediness, maturity and looks. I will do my best to give a fair and accurate representation of each category.

First we delve into everyone’s favorite group the cougar.
“Its not the natives we fear it’s the Koogah….Koogah, your body is banging, but your face looks old, Koogah, whip out your titty its time for me to feed, lift up your skirt and let your wizard sleeve breathe.”

Cougars are an interesting breed. They are old chicks who want to bang young dudes. Women that have either gone through a divorce, been dumped through a long-term relationship, or even still married Mrs. Robinson style. Typically cougars are categorized at 40 and over but sorry ladies I categorize them at 35 and older. Really where else do women 35-39 fall. They are too old to be categorized as tigers, but they still are older and want to bang young dudes. For arguments sake, they are cougars.

A cougar’s makeup is obvious. She is dressed too fuck literally, all the time, no matter where she is at. Look for hooker boots, short skirts, boob shirts, and an old face hidden with a pound of Maybelline covering her crow eyes. The cougar tries to act hip, usually hanging out with a gaggle full of cougars or is hidden with a group of co-workers that are either off the market or are tigers. Also, don’t be surprised to see a cougar mixed in with a group of tigers, don’t fall for this trick she is still old. The cougar drinks high end drinks, typically some form of tops shelf martini or cosmopolitan. Now that you spotted your prey, (even though you might be the prey) what do you do?

To pick up a cougar is just like picking up girls at your high school when you were 15. Give them compliments, they are insecure and have been pushed around. They really are confused who they are as they are wearing clothes they haven’t worn for 20 years, hanging out with girls 10 years younger and really want attention. They are walking confident and talking confident but are ultimately alone. So give them compliments, don’t lead on that you know how old they are. Ultimately, act as if you are on an equal playing field with them.

Cougars also want to bang a good looking twenty something. Get your lazy ass to the gym or run. You don’t need to be in tip top shape, you just need to be clean cut, clean shaven, not being the annoying bar regular 6 months pregnant who is yelling how beautiful she is from across the bar.

Why is a cougar right for you? Cougars are great for one night stands. They have been out of the game for a long time, they are not sure how it works. Typically, the cougar sees you as a conquest as much as you see her. They usually will swallow the pill and brag to their girlfriends about how you could pump for five minutes without needing oxygen. They also can be good for casual dating. Most cougars are independent to a degree and are not clingy. They will give you space, they typically work or have kids or both so they won’t bother you. It is pretty safe to keep a cougar as a side piece.

What not to do? Get in a serious relationship with a cougar. Come on guys, who wants to be a kept man. Eventually the cougar will take control, the way Tom Cruise got owned in “Cocktail” and yes, you will be a bitch. Really, sex from a cougar is not worth being a bitch. Never.

The best part of sleeping with a cougar…the story…. Cougar stories are priceless, the lines you throw, at them and vice-versa, going back to their place to see picture of the kids (that’s if they are not home sleeping), finding a hidden butt dimple or a C-section scar. Really priceless.

You just got a cougar education. Stay tuned for Tigers Tomorrow.

Omar Epps & Mekhi Phifer

eppsIt has been a long running conspiracy of mine that Omar Epps & Mekhi Phifer are in fact actually the same person or Epps was cloned sometime back in 1995 and the clone was given the name Mekhi Phifer.

Here are the facts as I see them:

  1. Both played doctors on E.R at one point.
  2. They both currently work as doctors on the shows E.R and House respectively.
  3. They were both born in New York City
  4. They were both raised by single mothers.
  5. Both starred in movies with rap artists (Tupac and Epps in Juice & Phifer and Eminem in 8 Mile)
  6. They bare a striking resemblance to one another. Same haircut, both have a goatee (though Epps’ is longer).
  7. Both played star high school/college athletes in movies (Pfifer in O, Brian’s Song and Epps in Higher Learning, The Program etc).
  8. Both are around the age of 35 (Epps being 35 and Pfifer being 34).

I think the evidence pretty much speaks for itself.  It’s overwhelming.  I know I cannot prove this right now but I am putting a plan in place to get hair samples off of both of them to do DNA analysis on.

Further i believe Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin is somehow involved in this conspiracy and could be a second clone.

Updates to come….

Grog Ale – Nodding Head Brewery

Gotta give it up to the Nodding Head Brewery (1516 Sansom St, 2nd Floor).  Was there late Friday for a Nightcap and had a Grog Ale.

From the Menu, “English-Style Brown ale… malty with a medium body and hints of chocolate… makes for a great dark session beer“.  It’s 5% alcohol by volume.

There’s about 7 beers on tap there at any moment which they brew there.  You can see the brewing equipment behind glass (and thank god it’s that glass with the wire mesh in there because it looks like things got a little rowdy there recently).

The waitstaff is great and they have some nice bar food as well.

Even better is that it is located essentially next to one of my more favorite bars in the city… Oscar’s Tavern.

I will be profiling Oscar’s later in the week but both of these bars are a stone’s throw from Rittenhouse Square and Cougar Country.

F.X. Galvin will have a three part series detailing Cougars, Tigers and Cubs this week also so stay tuned.

Mattress Recoil and the Nuances of Nookie

I’m moving soon.  I’ll be living with guys for the first time since college.  It got me thinking about my bedroom setup in college, particularly when I lived in my fraternity house.  We had lofts to utilize the space and high ceilings.  There was not a whole lot of room up in the loft so usually a box spring was out of the question.  I opted for a futon mattress at the suggestion of one of my older fraternity brothers.  I couldn’t tell you how pleased I was with the decision.  You see there is no recoil from a futon mattress because there are no springs, it simply didn’t move.  This made it extremely easy to get into a rhythm while playing hide the salami.  With a regular spring mattress you have to account for the “bounce factor”, and work that into an equation that includes rotating between fastballs and change ups to maximize endurance, hitting the right spots with your pitches and overall trying not to cum too early.  It was really nice to take the bounce factor out of the equation.

The only thing I was really losing with the bounce factor was when i was on the bottom.  With a spring mattress you can use the bounce factor to your advantage by incorporating it into a bottom power thrust that is actually pretty easy to get into a good rhythm.

However, how many girls do you know that actually liked being on top for an extended period?  It’s almost as rare as the girl who actually likes giving blow jobs.  Though I am under the school of thought that the guy should be doing most of the work.

Anyway, I’d like to hear some comments on if people are pro or anti “bounce factor”.  I’m going to guess most people make the magic happen on a regular spring mattress but if you’ve had experience on something that does not produce as much recoil I’d love to hear about it.

Big Brother… No not the TV show.

obamahopeprogressNot all news is good news coming from the Obama administration. While the American media focuses on the economy and Cramer vs. Stewart, lost is what is going on with some of our civil liberties guaranteed by the Constitution.

The Obama administration voted for Immunity for the Telephone Companies from lawsuits for participating in the Bush administration’s domestic spy program and included new and broad warrant-less surveillance powers in the bill.

However, that isn’t the only infringement the administration has made in it’s first 100 days in office.  They have also decided that the Constitution does not protect cell-site records.  A cell site record is essentially information about what cell phone tower your cell phone is connected to.  Effectively giving away your approximate location at all times that your phone is on.

Now I’m all for using creative ways like approximating a persons location at a certain day/time to put them at the place of some sort of crime.  I’m with that.  I loved the HBO show “The Wire” and can appreciate law enforcement doing everything they can to catch the bad guys.  It has to be within reason though.  If you need this cell-site record to help solve a crime get a warrant and you get the records on that phone.  What is the point of having everyone’s cell-site records available to the government though?  Why does the government need this info so readily available without a warrant?

Jennifer Granick, the civil liberties director for the Electronic Frontier Foundation stated, “Almost everybody in the United States carries or will carry a cell phone… This tracking ability is a means where the government can find out the location of pretty much everybody without much effort or expense.” (from a wired article)

I realize we are in slightly different times.  No president wants another 9/11 under their watch.  Why keep tabs on everyone though?  Why not just the bad guys (or potential bad guys).  And then if they do the tracking just for the bad guys, who’s to say who’s a bad guy?  Under what criteria are you categorized as a security risk or terrorist?  The US Terror Watch list currently holds over 900,000 names and bio’s and adds about 20,000 names to the list every month.

Obviously I’m not the president and am not in charge of protecting millions of American’s.  I am not trying to trivialize “the big picture” in terms of keeping America safe.  Be that as it may, I still like to adhere to what the founding fathers had in mind.  One of my favorite persons of all time, Ben Franklin, was quoted to say, “He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security.”.  I think that quote really sums up the point of this post.

Note: Next time I kill a hooker I’m definitely turning my phone off so Big Brother cannot place me at the scene of the crime.