Elizabeth Shue vs. Lea Thompson

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Elisabeth Shuelea_thompson

Just as we did with Omar Epps vs. Mekhi Phifer we now bring you the 80’s, female, Caucasian version of this conspiracy, Elizabeth Shue vs. Lea Thompson. This investigation was sparked by drunken conversation by myself and co-workers at a conference in Pensacola beach Fl.

It started out as a sort of trivia game, was it Lea Thompson or Elizabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting? Which one played in Howard the Duck or the movie Space Camp? Who had a starring role in Cocktail with Tom Cruise? Who was the lead in Hollow Man? Who was in Karate Kid and who was in Back to the Future?

The only things that were constants for me were that I knew it was Lea Thompson in the 1990’s situation comedy Caroline in the City and that Elizabeth Shue plays a hooker and gets naked with a drunken Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Other than those two pieces of data one can’t be really too sure of who was in what.

Then there was this shocker, both Elizabeth Shue and Lea Thompson are in Back to the Future: Part II. What a mindfreak that is. Who plays what character is still a mystery to me and I’m still not sure if they are even different people. Compound that with the fact that they both played in 80’s Burger King commercials and one even starred Thompson, Shue and a very young Sarah Michelle Gellar. Holy Hot Dogs Batman, shit just got real.

To me  Elizabeth Shue is clearly the better looking of the two but what if Lea Thompson was just a slightly less good looking clone of Elizabeth Shue? What if Elizabeth Shue is Lea Thompson on days when her makeup is flawless? I don’t have all the answers but try the Elizabeth Shue vs. Lea Thompson trivia game when drinking sometime, especially in lieu or talking about work.

Girls and BFF’s

Lunch girls-15
Honey no, you need to tell him......

By: Billy BeerSlugger

The more I try to understand women the less I do.  Take for instance girls who invariably tell every aspect of their relationship and lives to their best friends. When girls get together to talk about relationships it is anything but good news for the guy she is dating, especially when women ask their friends advice or opinion on things dealing with their significant other. Girls often find out that they have more perceived problems than they did before they sat down and had the discussion. As if their friend talked them into being mad at the boyfriend for something they previously did not think was largely offensive.

“I wasn’t mad at Jim for going to the bar with his friends but after talking to Susie I’m kind of pissed off about it.”

Now from what I can surmise there are a couple of glaring reasons for this to occur:

  • Critiquing other peoples relationships make women feel better. It’s kind of like being a judge on a reality show, even though you may suck as well, telling other people where they are failing with no repercussions can be a big ego boost.
  • Subconsciously or otherwise the friend is trying to sabotage your relationship. Reasons detailed later in the article.
  • The friend is actively trying to destroy your relationship
  • There is a good reason to question a man’s actions/behavior. This is certainly possible.

Not to say that a girl’s friends intentions are bad because I truly believe that for the most part girls best friends are trying to help. However, they may be trying to help them in a way that lends itself to their situation, not your girlfriends. The friend is not there for the intimate parts of your relationship and does not understand the complexities and idiosyncrasies involved.  Guys and girls also can leave out crucial parts of stories when talking to friends. The circumstances surrounding a fight. The wanton disregard of crucial details as to the genesis of the problem.

“Dan and I got into a fight about money again. He just freaked out on me for no good reason.”

Well Dan’s wife/girlfriend may be spending too much of their money on crap they don’t need like $200 hand bags and such. Further, Dan may have had that money earmarked for some sort of beach vacation in which he was going to whisk Sally away on and be all romantic and shit. Now his plans are askew.

But seriously, no one knows your relationship like the people in the relationship.  The day by day dealings, the good times, the bad times. For the most part your friends aren’t there for the day by day unless you’re on a sitcom like Friends. Your friends insight into dealing with things is subjective at best for ways to approach specific situations. I often find that the best advice is very broad in nature and can be applied in a multitude of situations. If you get that sort of advice from a friend, take that to heart. But don’t get all bent out of shape when one of your friends tells you that you should be pissed off at your boyfriend for X situation. Of course she could be saying, “dump that loser” and you might have to listen to that one. Your girls’ friend may be single herself and trying to get her single for selfish reasons (this goes both ways for men and women) so you have to watch out for that one.

One of my favorite Chris Rock routines goes like this:

Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … “fuck that bitch,” “fuck that bitch.” Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, “Oh man, she’s nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.

Anyway, the reason for writing this is that most guys have run into this at one time or another in their dating careers. When their significant other talks to a friend or family member and then becomes pissed at a certain situation at the behest of that friend or family member. A note-able one for me was when an ex-girlfriend got pissed that I couldn’t/wouldn’t take a Friday off to help her move  and that her parents were coming down that day to help. At first she was fine with it and then was later pissed after talking to her mom even though I was given 3 days notice as to the parents coming down to help. Though I was sure enough slave labor for the remainder of the weekend lugging boxes of crap and furniture it just wasn’t enough that I didn’t take that Friday off to help too. To try and mitigate the damage I did take a two hour lunch that Friday to help. Still not enough. No good deed does go unpunished.

And The Winner Is: Jennifer Aniston

jennifer-aniston-smart-water-pictureBy: Billy BeerSlugger

While Angelina Jolie may have stolen her husband and former sexiest man on the planet Brad Pitt, I think that Jennifer Aniston has officially won the battle.  Yes she lost her husband, no she didn’t re-marry and may not be in a long term relationship right now but she is still undoubtedly really fucking hot. Hotter than Angelina Jolie by leaps and bounds. You might bring up that Angelina popped out a couple of kids and might be the better actor but the woman looks haggered and if I’m Brad Pitt right now and looking at my completely gorgeous ex-wife in various advertisements I’m thinking I may have made a huge mistake.

Now I wasn’t involved in that relationship so Jennifer Aniston may be a complete bitch behind closed doors, she might be a dead fish in bed, I don’t know. All I know is that Jennifer Aniston is 40 years old and looks better now then she did 20 years ago.  You can’t call the woman a cougar because she doesn’t look like she is over 30 years old. I think she may have a time machine or sleep in a hyperbaric chamber and I have a feeling her ass tastes like pink Starburst.

So hold your head up high Jennifer Aniston, you just won the war with Angelina Jolie. Congratulations.

3D Porn Is Upon Us

By: Billy BeerSlugger

It was only a couple of months ago since I wrote an article about how the porn industry has helped shape and standardize technologies. In the article I mentioned that the first 3-D porno would probably come out within the year and that hypothesis was apparently right on track. Vivid Entertainment is coming out with a movie called “This Ain’t Avatar XXX”. Not sure if the film will feature lanky blue people with tails but I’m sure there will be some tail in it and worth a spank or two just for the novelty. How silly will you look jerkin your gherkin with 3-D glasses on? How much better can 3D Porn be than regular Porn?

Sandra Bullock vs Jesse James

bullockBy: Billy BeerSlugger

Why is anyone really surprised that this badass biker dude with tons of tatoos and used to be married to a Porn Star cheated on Sandra Bullock? Seriously? I know women are all up in arms about this but given the situation was anyone really taken aback by this infidelity revelation?  Let me go back a sentence and repeat the whole fact that he was married to and has a child with porn star Janine Lindemulder.

So dude goes from being married to an award winning Porn Star and probably being used to some pretty crazy shit in terms of the relationship to being married to Sandra Bullock, award winning movie star who is probably a lot less sexually adventurous.  Then James goes outside of the marriage to get some fetish sex or whatever he’s into and everyone’s like, “oh my God, how could you cheat on Sandra Bullock”.  No one saw this coming? Really? Seriously? You poor naive general public.

It is fascinating to me that this is such a huge news story. Jesse James has seen such a media backlash (somewhat rightfully so) but who’s really at fault here? Probably Jesse James for lying about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship (if that was even an agreement) or Sandra Bullock for marrying a guy who’s best known for making custom motorcycles, being a bodyguard for heavy metal bands and being married to a popular late 90’s porn star?

Just let that marinate for a little bit. I’m not saying that it’s right to cheat but couldn’t this situation have been avoided altogether if both people had exercised a little logical thinking?

BTW: Shocker this story comes out after right after Bullock wins an oscar. Nothing like a bitch using her body to make money, then make even more money by releasing the story about using her body to make money. It’s a disgrace to honest, hard working strippers and hookers everywhere.

Porn as a Driver of Technology

internet_forBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I don’t think it’s any secret that SEX SELLS! You already know this but do you have any inkling of how it has shaped the media you use to watch non-x rated movies or how the online Porn community pioneered e-commerce as well as helped the advancement of the internet in terms of broadening networks and to a certain extent internet speed increases.

Starting with the VHS vs. Betamax format wars which were similar to the Bluray vs. HD DVD format wars, it was eventually the porn makers who chose VHS that turned the tide and made it the dominant format. So in that respect Porn had a huge impact on how you watched movies in the 80’s through the late 90’s and even into the early 2000’s.  If you think about it, Porn on VHS was completely revolutionary. No longer did people have to go to a movie theater and spank off with a bunch of strangers (yes this happened and still happens).  People could buy a VCR and X-Rated video’s of their choice and now spank off the pornographic material in privacy of their own home. No wonder the public chose VHS as their preferred video media and made it the standard, there’s a lot of Porn watchers out there.

Further, we’ll focus on the Internet, the next evolutionary step in expediting porn to it’s inexhaustible customer base.  In the early 90’s, when AOL and Compuserve were gaining subscribers by the hundreds of thousands, it wasn’t the thirst for knowledge that was fueling the hype.  All at once, images that were once confined to the pages of Playboy and Penthouse were being shared freely over the internet. You didn’t need leave your house to grab naked pictures of Pam Anderson.

While still pictures pale in comparison to full motion video, I believe this was a major factor in why the Porn industry once again helped drive technology, in this case the internet to it’s current standards and availability. Streaming Porn videos and porn videos downloadable on the internet paved the way for sites like Youtube. The increased bandwidth consumption as more and more people used the internet as a Spank Bank caused Internet Service Providers to expand availability and data speed at an extremely rapid rate. Thus again, Porn helped shape the way we use technology.

With porn sites having to charge their customer base, Porn was pretty much the first adopters of online payments. Things like Ebay and Paypal may not have taken off without Porn companies ability to show that the internet could be a marketplace. Maybe the Internet without Porn doesn’t give us Youtube, Myspace or Facebook for another 10 years or so.  Maybe we would still be using phone lines to dial into the internet to check out news stories and check email. Who knows. All I know is that love it or hate it, Pornography has and will continue to be (to a certain extent) a driving factor on how we view media.

In this article I’m not saying the Porn industry fuels technology, what I’m saying is that most media technology has to be adopted by the Porn Community before it will be adopted by the general public. With Avatar kind of Pioneering 3-D movie making, can you see the first 3-D porno coming out within the next year? If it makes your masturbation experience that much more enjoyable can you see 3-D TV format being adopted at an incredible rate by TV networks  broadcasting in 3-D HD? Then the general public will clamor for 3-D HT TV’s.  May take some time for that to happen but how else do you see TV evolving?

Next time you’re spanking it to Internet Porn think how far we’ve come from coming from Jerking Off in shady movie theaters and how far technology has advanced because of it.

Is Banging Football Recruits the New School Spirit?

laceybryceBob McFlurry with Sports

Recently it’s been in the news that the Tennessee Volunteers have a program in which they employ “hostesses” to help lure highly touted football recruits to the University.  So I guess my question is why is this news now?  I don’t think it’s any secret that using insanely hot girls to help land big time recruits is a time honored tradition in the ranks of College Football.

There’s a lot of things that go into where a top recruit will play his collegiate ball: proximity to home, family influence, program prestige, the ability to start right away.  When you’re a top 50 recruit in the nation though you can pretty much go anywhere and every school is going to trow as much at you as they can without getting nabbed by the NCAA for violations. Gifting money is kind of out of the question, at least not directly, so what other recourse does a University have but to bombard the recruit with a bevy of the hottest chicks on campus.  Some of which are probably told to “take care” of the recruit.  It’s way easier to pay off or incentivize  some sort of University coed than it is to straight up pay a player to come to the University.

Anyway, I think it’s a little naive for the media and sports fans in general to be shocked by this or consider it news.  There’s buku bucks in College football in Bowl Games and it all starts with what kind of players a team can get.  The better the player, the better the chance of a huge bowl game, the more money brought into the University. Millions of Dollars.

Even way back in 1993 in the movie The Program Halle Berry was given the task of convincing highly touted recruit Danell Jefferson (played by Mekhi Phifer… or was it Omar Epps) to come to fictional University ESU.  Not that Halle Berry banged the guy to get him to go there but she was named Sexiest Woman Alvie by Esquire magazine, you do that Algebra home slice.

Goes something like:

Hot Chicks + Blue Chip Football Recruits = Letters of Intent = BCS Money2

It’s pretty obvious to me what’s going on here and I really don’t have a problem with Football Programs wagging hot chicks in front of recruits faces. Anything that goes on besides that, sexually, is between the recruit and that “Hostess”.  If the “Hostess” decides to use her body as a marketing tool for her University I’m pretty sure she’s allowed to do that. I’m not sure what kind of incentives would be involved if the recruit signed but ultimately I doubt that a University is saying to these “Hostesses”, “have sex with this recruit coming in here this weekend”.  Blow/Hand Jobs maybe but not sex.

Tragic Irony on MTV

Thank God JWow's breast don't move or there could be some wardrobe malfunctions.
Thank God JWow's breast don't move or there could be some wardrobe malfunctions.

By: Billy Beerslugger

This weekend I subjected myself to more MTV than I have watched probably since 2002 or so.  I could not get away from the phenomenon that is “The Jersey Shore”.  Guido’s, Guidettes, Blowout’s, fake tans, muscles and a whole lot of attitude. Pretty much what i expected from this show but after I watched it as research (I’m a hypocrite), then sat in with my roomates to watch a portion of it, then went over a friends house and they were watching it I seriously will not watch this show again.  I stopped watching “The Real World” after Pedro died in season 3 and “The Jersey Shore” is nothing more than a rehash of the Real World formula with the twist of having all Italian American’s as house inhabitants and a whole bunch of sterotypical behavior.  I can tell you how this show in it’s entirety will go: fist fights, fist pumping, drinking, shit talking about roommates, roommates hooking up (some of whom have boyfriends), roommates getting in a fight after hooking up, girls getting pissed about other girls being in the house, half the show being bleeped or blurred out, lame Guido stereotypical behavior, people get fired from their job selling t-shirts but are ultimately let back to work because it’s really hard selling t-shirts, some girl gets punched in the face by a dude.  Now save yourself the couple hours of your life and learn something.

For as much complaining as I’ve heard coming from the New Jersey tourism associations it didn’t stop them from running an ad during the show about Ocean City NJ.

Now onto the next farce I’ve seen on MTV that should have been pulled, DJ AM’s Gone Too Far follows the deceased record spinner while he tries to help them kick their addictions to drugs and alcohol.  The problem I have with this show still being on the air is that DJ AM died of a fucking drug overdose.  Wouldn’t that kind of be like if Oprah starred in a show about losing a weight and then her stomach explodes from eating too many Twinkies? This isn’t to say that DJ AM is a bad dude or that it’s easy to kick drugs but it’s not exactly inspiring that the host of a show about kicking your drug habit dies from a drug overdose. Do you see what I’m saying here? The guys credibility is completely ruined.

Carrie Prejean Sextape

carrie-prejeanBy: Billy BeerSlugger

Former Miss California Pageant winner Carrie Prejean is back in the news because of a sextape (although more like a masturbation tape) that has surfaced.  Prejean originally came into national focus after she was criticized in the media for her answer in the Miss USA pageant which elaborated her views on gay marriage.  As more information came out about her and the more interviews done because of the answer on gay marriage she painted herself as a very god-loving person as citing that the body was a holy temple and other Christian type views on the world.  She was labeled as a hypocrite by the media after photos came out of her posing semi nude and or topless and then being under fire to surrender her Miss California Crown in which Donald Trump (who owns the pageant) gave her a pass.  Later she was stripped of her crown for breach of contract for reasons I didn’t care to look up which resulted in Prejean suing the Pageant for wrongful termination.  That suit was settled last week sometime as rumors of a sextape swirled and eventually was shown to Prejean and her mother (classic).

So now Carrie Prejean is back on the talk show circuit, Larry King Live, the Today Show, The View and talking about her book while all these shows are booking her for is the sextape questions which will boost ratings, not the book.  She refuses to answer questions about the sextape under the premise that the details of the settlement of her suit she is not permitted to and yada yada fuckin yada….

Now maybe this is an elaborate plan to boost her public persona and sell her book or maybe the former boyfriend she sent the video of her masturbating needed the money, though it seems the most money to be made from the tape would have been during her 15 minutes of fame. Anyway, she kind of won’t go away and it’s annoying me.

It’s not particularly annoying me that she has a sextape (because I definitely want to see it) but that all the talk shows have to have her on to talk about this shit.  All the liberal media has to parade her around as some gay hating, god loving whore when the girl is pretty much everything that most girls her age are, a little opinionated and a lot naive.  How many teenage girls have sent sext messages to their boyfriends.  How many groups of teenage girlfriends have put up a video on Youtube of themselves dancing very scantily clad to fast paced music or filmed the lot of them in the shower with bathing suits on (Ask me how I know these exist)? Point being that this kind of stuff happens quite regularly. I don’t know about filming masturbation, that’s a little overboard but I’ve received some pretty graphic stuff from girlfriends past that I wish I had saved.

The thing that most aggravates me is that she is a lightening pole for the liberal media to take shots at.  Trying to discredit her in any way possible and tie it into the Republican Party or Conservatives.  Not exactly a fair assumption and really she shouldn’t be news at all.  Prejean is right in that she says she is being attacked by the media for being against gay marriage and a devout Christian in the spotlight but really why does anyone care what this girl has to say?  Beauty Queens aren’t exactly known for their brains are they? Please Click here for more on that subject.

So why?  Why is this girl in the news?  A sextape is a sextape but it doesn’t necessitate talk show interviews.  Shame on whomever booked her and shame on her for using the publicity of the sextape  to sell her book even if by happenstance. Since you know she wasn’t going to get booked without the sextape scandal as her 15 minutes was up.   A person using a sextape to sell books and talk shows using a sextape to up ratings, I guess everyone wins (except the public).

Now I realize that the “Right” or “Conservatives” sometimes paint newsworthy people into the Democrat/Liberal unfairly but you really didn’t see Kim Kardashian be a lightening rod for criticism from the right even though she supported Obama for so long and has a sextape and naked pictures. It’s like Prejean is the newly appointed spokeswoman for conservatives as seen by liberals and really that’s far from the truth as Obama is doing a good job so far.

Maybe one of the biggest reasons why I wrote this is smug ass pseudo-intellectual talk/news host Kieth Olbermann seems to be fixated on her whenever she pops up in the news.  You may know I have a deep and reasoned dislike of Olbermann but I think the guy took it a little too far when he gave Prejean the two-fingered salute at the end of his show, signifying the two fingers a woman may choose to masturbate with (to view it go to the end of this video). It’s the kind of over the top gesture that someone on the other side of the political spectrum would get fired for but I’ve heard little to no backlash.

Olbermann, like many of his so called reporter counterparts seem to forget that this girl is a beauty queen not a Rhodes Scholar.  The weight of what she says or her opinions really don’t need to be a concern of national media , shes famous for being pretty and being personally (not an activist) against gay marriage.  There really is more pressing things going on in the world than the trials and tribulations of Carrie Prejean and her fake breasts and sextape.

However, as I said earlier, I do want to see the sextape.

Mourning the loss of a Favorite T-Shirt

The Single Tear Drop.
The Single Tear Drop.

By: Robby Ripchord

You know I should have learned this lesson in college.  It’s such a rookie move to make but it basically happened to me two times in one week so I really have no excuse.  I’m talking about lending girls articles of clothing to wear home after they sleep over.

You try to be a nice guy and lessen the burden of the walk of shame for a girl by giving her a t-shirt, sweatpants and or mesh shorts for the girl to wear on the walk back to her car and dwelling instead of her having to wear her now rumpled black cocktail dress or ridiculously low cut Halloween costume from the night before.  You think you’re doing the right thing but once again this is a case where nice guys finish last.  I just lost my favorite pair of sweatpants, mesh shorts and t-shirt in one week.  Never to be seen again. In one case not particularly caring about when or where I was going to see the girl again, just getting her out of the house as fast as possible before the required 11am checkout time that has been instituted in my domicile (Rules are Rules!).  The other instance being a girl I had seen a couple of times before and had planned on continue seeing until text’s and phone calls ceased to be answered (maybe she’s dead as Billy BeerSlugger pointed out?). She has my favorite t-shirt and sweatpants, a combination which when lost together is up there in terms of disappointment, dejection and anger with the passing of my Grandmother.

I even went so far as to leave her a message last night after a week of non-communication explaining that (in the nicest way possible) I really didn’t care that we weren’t talking anymore, but that I would really appreciate at least my t-shirt back even if I had to pay for the shipping. That t-shirt and I have been through some things together, good times, bad times, really drunken nights but in my life throughout the last 3 years or so there was one constant, that 100% cotton form fitting t-shirt.  I liked the t-shirt so much I bought two in different colors and after I lost one at the shore two years ago this surviving t-shirt was clearly the pinnacle of my t-shirt collection.  It was as equally important whilst lounging around watching TV as it was as an undershirt while out showing support for one of our local sports teams.  It’s hard to replace that kind of comfort and really a little piece of me died that day when she got in her car and left, never to be seen or heard from again. Not because of her but because of a garment which I associate with so many great times in my life.

What is it with girls and more so girlfriend’s in general that seem to know your favorite clothes and wear them constantly?  You can’t wear the t-shirt after your girlfriend has worn it, it has to go into the wash because while women generally smell better than men, men shouldn’t smell like women and even if the girl wears it for 10 seconds her scent is all over it.  You don’t see boyfriends grabbing their girlfriends favorite t-shirt and parading around the apartment, it just doesn’t work like that and that dynamic is just one of the many I have a gripe with in the long term male-female relationship. But that’s a discussion for another time.

I will miss you t-shirt, you deserve a better fate than this.

note: this article was written while listening to The Fray‘s 2009 album The Fray.  And yes I cried a little.