Girls and BFF’s

Lunch girls-15
Honey no, you need to tell him......

By: Billy BeerSlugger

The more I try to understand women the less I do.  Take for instance girls who invariably tell every aspect of their relationship and lives to their best friends. When girls get together to talk about relationships it is anything but good news for the guy she is dating, especially when women ask their friends advice or opinion on things dealing with their significant other. Girls often find out that they have more perceived problems than they did before they sat down and had the discussion. As if their friend talked them into being mad at the boyfriend for something they previously did not think was largely offensive.

“I wasn’t mad at Jim for going to the bar with his friends but after talking to Susie I’m kind of pissed off about it.”

Now from what I can surmise there are a couple of glaring reasons for this to occur:

  • Critiquing other peoples relationships make women feel better. It’s kind of like being a judge on a reality show, even though you may suck as well, telling other people where they are failing with no repercussions can be a big ego boost.
  • Subconsciously or otherwise the friend is trying to sabotage your relationship. Reasons detailed later in the article.
  • The friend is actively trying to destroy your relationship
  • There is a good reason to question a man’s actions/behavior. This is certainly possible.

Not to say that a girl’s friends intentions are bad because I truly believe that for the most part girls best friends are trying to help. However, they may be trying to help them in a way that lends itself to their situation, not your girlfriends. The friend is not there for the intimate parts of your relationship and does not understand the complexities and idiosyncrasies involved.  Guys and girls also can leave out crucial parts of stories when talking to friends. The circumstances surrounding a fight. The wanton disregard of crucial details as to the genesis of the problem.

“Dan and I got into a fight about money again. He just freaked out on me for no good reason.”

Well Dan’s wife/girlfriend may be spending too much of their money on crap they don’t need like $200 hand bags and such. Further, Dan may have had that money earmarked for some sort of beach vacation in which he was going to whisk Sally away on and be all romantic and shit. Now his plans are askew.

But seriously, no one knows your relationship like the people in the relationship.  The day by day dealings, the good times, the bad times. For the most part your friends aren’t there for the day by day unless you’re on a sitcom like Friends. Your friends insight into dealing with things is subjective at best for ways to approach specific situations. I often find that the best advice is very broad in nature and can be applied in a multitude of situations. If you get that sort of advice from a friend, take that to heart. But don’t get all bent out of shape when one of your friends tells you that you should be pissed off at your boyfriend for X situation. Of course she could be saying, “dump that loser” and you might have to listen to that one. Your girls’ friend may be single herself and trying to get her single for selfish reasons (this goes both ways for men and women) so you have to watch out for that one.

One of my favorite Chris Rock routines goes like this:

Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … “fuck that bitch,” “fuck that bitch.” Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, “Oh man, she’s nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.

Anyway, the reason for writing this is that most guys have run into this at one time or another in their dating careers. When their significant other talks to a friend or family member and then becomes pissed at a certain situation at the behest of that friend or family member. A note-able one for me was when an ex-girlfriend got pissed that I couldn’t/wouldn’t take a Friday off to help her move  and that her parents were coming down that day to help. At first she was fine with it and then was later pissed after talking to her mom even though I was given 3 days notice as to the parents coming down to help. Though I was sure enough slave labor for the remainder of the weekend lugging boxes of crap and furniture it just wasn’t enough that I didn’t take that Friday off to help too. To try and mitigate the damage I did take a two hour lunch that Friday to help. Still not enough. No good deed does go unpunished.

And The Winner Is: Jennifer Aniston

jennifer-aniston-smart-water-pictureBy: Billy BeerSlugger

While Angelina Jolie may have stolen her husband and former sexiest man on the planet Brad Pitt, I think that Jennifer Aniston has officially won the battle.  Yes she lost her husband, no she didn’t re-marry and may not be in a long term relationship right now but she is still undoubtedly really fucking hot. Hotter than Angelina Jolie by leaps and bounds. You might bring up that Angelina popped out a couple of kids and might be the better actor but the woman looks haggered and if I’m Brad Pitt right now and looking at my completely gorgeous ex-wife in various advertisements I’m thinking I may have made a huge mistake.

Now I wasn’t involved in that relationship so Jennifer Aniston may be a complete bitch behind closed doors, she might be a dead fish in bed, I don’t know. All I know is that Jennifer Aniston is 40 years old and looks better now then she did 20 years ago.  You can’t call the woman a cougar because she doesn’t look like she is over 30 years old. I think she may have a time machine or sleep in a hyperbaric chamber and I have a feeling her ass tastes like pink Starburst.

So hold your head up high Jennifer Aniston, you just won the war with Angelina Jolie. Congratulations.

Sandra Bullock vs Jesse James

bullockBy: Billy BeerSlugger

Why is anyone really surprised that this badass biker dude with tons of tatoos and used to be married to a Porn Star cheated on Sandra Bullock? Seriously? I know women are all up in arms about this but given the situation was anyone really taken aback by this infidelity revelation?  Let me go back a sentence and repeat the whole fact that he was married to and has a child with porn star Janine Lindemulder.

So dude goes from being married to an award winning Porn Star and probably being used to some pretty crazy shit in terms of the relationship to being married to Sandra Bullock, award winning movie star who is probably a lot less sexually adventurous.  Then James goes outside of the marriage to get some fetish sex or whatever he’s into and everyone’s like, “oh my God, how could you cheat on Sandra Bullock”.  No one saw this coming? Really? Seriously? You poor naive general public.

It is fascinating to me that this is such a huge news story. Jesse James has seen such a media backlash (somewhat rightfully so) but who’s really at fault here? Probably Jesse James for lying about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship (if that was even an agreement) or Sandra Bullock for marrying a guy who’s best known for making custom motorcycles, being a bodyguard for heavy metal bands and being married to a popular late 90’s porn star?

Just let that marinate for a little bit. I’m not saying that it’s right to cheat but couldn’t this situation have been avoided altogether if both people had exercised a little logical thinking?

BTW: Shocker this story comes out after right after Bullock wins an oscar. Nothing like a bitch using her body to make money, then make even more money by releasing the story about using her body to make money. It’s a disgrace to honest, hard working strippers and hookers everywhere.

Mourning the loss of a Favorite T-Shirt

The Single Tear Drop.
The Single Tear Drop.

By: Robby Ripchord

You know I should have learned this lesson in college.  It’s such a rookie move to make but it basically happened to me two times in one week so I really have no excuse.  I’m talking about lending girls articles of clothing to wear home after they sleep over.

You try to be a nice guy and lessen the burden of the walk of shame for a girl by giving her a t-shirt, sweatpants and or mesh shorts for the girl to wear on the walk back to her car and dwelling instead of her having to wear her now rumpled black cocktail dress or ridiculously low cut Halloween costume from the night before.  You think you’re doing the right thing but once again this is a case where nice guys finish last.  I just lost my favorite pair of sweatpants, mesh shorts and t-shirt in one week.  Never to be seen again. In one case not particularly caring about when or where I was going to see the girl again, just getting her out of the house as fast as possible before the required 11am checkout time that has been instituted in my domicile (Rules are Rules!).  The other instance being a girl I had seen a couple of times before and had planned on continue seeing until text’s and phone calls ceased to be answered (maybe she’s dead as Billy BeerSlugger pointed out?). She has my favorite t-shirt and sweatpants, a combination which when lost together is up there in terms of disappointment, dejection and anger with the passing of my Grandmother.

I even went so far as to leave her a message last night after a week of non-communication explaining that (in the nicest way possible) I really didn’t care that we weren’t talking anymore, but that I would really appreciate at least my t-shirt back even if I had to pay for the shipping. That t-shirt and I have been through some things together, good times, bad times, really drunken nights but in my life throughout the last 3 years or so there was one constant, that 100% cotton form fitting t-shirt.  I liked the t-shirt so much I bought two in different colors and after I lost one at the shore two years ago this surviving t-shirt was clearly the pinnacle of my t-shirt collection.  It was as equally important whilst lounging around watching TV as it was as an undershirt while out showing support for one of our local sports teams.  It’s hard to replace that kind of comfort and really a little piece of me died that day when she got in her car and left, never to be seen or heard from again. Not because of her but because of a garment which I associate with so many great times in my life.

What is it with girls and more so girlfriend’s in general that seem to know your favorite clothes and wear them constantly?  You can’t wear the t-shirt after your girlfriend has worn it, it has to go into the wash because while women generally smell better than men, men shouldn’t smell like women and even if the girl wears it for 10 seconds her scent is all over it.  You don’t see boyfriends grabbing their girlfriends favorite t-shirt and parading around the apartment, it just doesn’t work like that and that dynamic is just one of the many I have a gripe with in the long term male-female relationship. But that’s a discussion for another time.

I will miss you t-shirt, you deserve a better fate than this.

note: this article was written while listening to The Fray‘s 2009 album The Fray.  And yes I cried a little.

Jon and Kate Overload

jon-and-kate-plus-8By: Billy BeerSlugger

Man you really can’t get away from these people.  You got Kate on TV all day and you have Jon banging tons of chicks.  I can’t go a day without seeing a Jon and Kate update on my newsfeeds and I can’t figure out why.  I don’t know why the media and the general population are so enamored with this couple and their kids, I don’t get it.  And they are getting divorced and the kids are on TV and Jon thinks this and Kate says that.

I just don’t get it. I don’t watch the show but besides having 8 kids what qualifies this broken up couple as national news? Every news outlet is waiting on the next big Jon and Kate headline and frankly I really don’t give a shit. They have a TV show where I guess the kids run around, ok big fucking deal. Flava Flav had a TV show too but he’s not splashed up on my news sites or doing interviews on Good Morning America.

What does it solve either the fact that you’re airing all this family laundry on interviews?  Is it to extend the 15 minutes of fame? Is it to make the show more appealing? I just don’t get it. Then again I don’t get a lot of things.

I’m just hoping these people go away because there’s way more important shit to be focusing on than the world of Jon and Kate.  The kids really shouldn’t be subjected to a being on reality show either but that’s just my opinion.  Which of the kids is the first one to grow up and do something completely outrageous or get hooked on drugs?  At least they have an excuse when they do it… fucked up childhood with cameras around all the time.

It’s also interesting to note that Kate seemed to be the one who took the brunt of the media’s criticism shortly after they announced the divorce but now Jon is the one who is getting roughed up.  Not much has changed I’m sure in terms of Jon and Kate but the media decided to take a particularly different tone after a couple of weeks.

Anyway, I think the show just got canceled which is great for America.  These people can fall back into whatever semblance of normal like after the show stops taping and we the people won’t have to be bombarded by it on TV and the Internet.  Of course we’ll probably see another incarnation of participants in this show on another show but hopefully it will take some time for Hollywood to get that together.  I would be fine with a couple of guest spots on Hollywood Squares and some low key news reports about how the kids are adjusting just fine to life not in front of a camera crew. That’s not going to happen though.

Why Women Have Sex

It's Complicated
It's Complicated

By: Billy BeerSlugger

In what is easily some of the best reading I’ve done in awhile, I checked out this article from the Guardian in the UK. Lots of stuff I already knew or subconsciously knew but it’s great to have a study behind it because lets face it, what’s opinion without some scientific facts behind it.

No not all women have sex for money: directly or indirectly, some do rather enjoy the experience. Apparently for the enjoyment of it was reason number one.

Some Others included:

  • promotion
  • bartering
  • for revenge
  • to get back at a partner who has cheated on them
  • to make their partners feel bad
  • to make themselves feel good
  • duty
  • using sex to get rid of him
  • to make him jealous

Some interesting concepts included:

“Love” as an Insurance Policy

Saying Love is essentially something that helps ensure your mate won’t leave you. Also goes into the chemicals the brain produces when someone is in love like phenylethylamine, dopamine and norepinephrine which can induce a euphoria like experience.  From what I’ve read love is just a chemical reaction.. if you want to believe that.

The Concept of Mate Poaching:

“There isn’t this huge pool of highly desirable men just sitting out there waiting for women.” So how does a woman get the man she desires?  We “compete to embody what men want” – high heels to show off our pelvises, lip-gloss to make men think about vagina’s, and we see off our rivals with slander. We spread gossip – “She’s easy!” – because that makes the slandered woman less inviting to men as a long-term partner. She may get short-term genetic benefits but she can sing all night for the resource benefits, like a cat sitting out in the rain. Then – then! – the gossiper mates with the man herself.

The Concept of Mate Guarding:

Women regularly have sex with their mates to stop them seeking it elsewhere. Mate guarding is closely related to “a sense of duty”, a popular reason for sex.  “Most of the time I just lie there and make lists in my head. I grunt once in a while so he knows I’m awake, and then I tell him how great it was when it’s over. We are happily married.” Women also Mate Guard by flaunting healthy sexual relationships thus signaling to potential “competition” that her mate has no need to look for sex anywhere else.

The Economics of Sex:

Not just prostitution but handbags, dinner, drugs, jobs but also to get their partner to take out the trash or mow the lawn. Freshman girls will bang fraternity guys and others who can acquire alcohol and get them and their friends drunk for free. However, they also do it for the status of it as well.

Women use sex at every stage of a relationship, “from luring a man into the relationship, to try and keep a man so he is fulfilled and doesn’t stray”.

This just goes on to prove a point my dad told me at an early age, “Women have a gold mine between their legs”. It also goes into my own theory of dating and relationships, once a women begins using sex as leverage to get what she wants you are officially fucked. Once sex between you and a girl you’re dating isn’t just for pleasure it becomes a relationship. It also makes me wonder if the girl is even having sex with you in the beginning under the pretenses of pleasure or just to lure you in as a potential mate. Have I been naive this whole time?

So more or less, women have sex to get what they want. Whether it is to get or keep a man, get monetary, egotistical or otherwise beneficial gain from it or bribe their husband into mowing the lawn.  Per this article women are attracted to men with symmetrical features as well as scent (Pheromones?). These features are apparently ingrained in women as a way of choosing a the best sperm to produce her offspring  just as a woman with ample breasts, blonde hair and large hips is supposed signs of a good child bearer to a male.

While I’ll never really fully understand women it’s good to know as much as possible about the enemy. This article was definitely an eye opener in terms of motivations behind a woman’s decision to partake in sex.

Mackenzie Phillips Was Banging Her Dad

Credit: Kristin Barlowe; Yvonne Hemsey/Getty Images
Credit: Kristin Barlowe; Yvonne Hemsey/Getty Images

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So news came out within the last couple days about how Mackenzie Phillips of 80’s Soap Opera fame and her father of 70’s band Momma’s and the Poppa’s were involved in an incestuous relationship for over ten years. She is going on Oprah to discuss the ordeal and has a book coming out shortly.  The first thing that comes to my mind is why ugly ass Mackenzie Phillips and not her way better looking sister Chyna Phillips of early 90’s group Wilson Phillips.  Only a truly sick and twisted individual would bang his less good looking daughter.

It’s kind of hilarious how things work in the publishing world. You have celebrities that do fucked up shit and then write a book about it. You have politician’s that do fucked up shit and write a book about it. You have regular people who do fucked up shit, get famous for doing the fucked up shit and then write a book about it. It’s a system that rewards bad behavior with book deals and the general public eats this stuff up like the last slice of pizza on a drunken Friday night after the bars close.

Oh, but don’t forget the talk show tour de’ sympathie and or shame while hawking the book. The absolute pinnacle of this charade being the Oprah show and the obligatory, “…how did that make you feel” question (queue Crocodile Tears!).

Seriously though, what does that say about the person that buys this book?  You already know the jist, she was banging her dad for like 10 years.  Or does this sick person want to know all the gross details like when it started, what positions they liked or if she came during sex. It’s like an incestuous romance novel but set in real life. I’m going to venture to guess that 98% of the people that buy this book are women who have deep seeded daddy issues and may actually be Jillin’ Off while reading the juicy parts.

I think this just proves that people will do absolutely anything for money.  Banged your dad for 10 years, write a book about it.  Started banging dudes and got caught while you were the governor, write a book about it. Sell a Senate seat to the highest bidder while Governor and get caught, write a book about it. Bet on Baseball while you’re a manager, get caught, deny it for 20 years then admit to it in a book you wrote about it.

Granted some stories are more compelling than others and while sex definitely sells in our culture you may have to cut off the book deal for people who bang their dad for 10 years and then want to make money off the story.

note: Jillin’ Off is a slang term for female masturbation.

I could have also used:

Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw

Muffin Buffin’

Polishing the Pearl

Two Finger Taco Tango

Beat the Beaver

Riding the Unicycle

Play the Clitar

Double Clicking the Mouse

or Fucking Without Complications

How cool is this guy?

Brian Austin Green, God's gift to Women?

By: Luan Zuccarello

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that reincarnation exists and you have your choice of who or what you are going to be in your next life. That question is too easy for me and number one on my big board is the artist formally known as Brian Austin Green now just Brian Green. Think about how cool it would have been growing up on Beverley Hills 90210. Every day you’re hanging out with Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth. Your learning about the birds and the bees from Luke Perry, and when you get bored with that you go bang a couple extras in your trailer. Then Tiffani Amber Thiessen decides to join the show and tries to make over her girl next door image by playing a slut!

Ahhh there is a God! Seriously every guy between the ages of 24 and 30 has choked their chicken to her multiple times.  Imagine “being there” for her during this transition. He dated her for a couple years then moved on to Vanessa Marcil when she came on 90210. For those who don’t know Vanessa Marcil – first shame on you and second she is of the TV show “Vegas” fame and plays Nick Cage’s girlfriend in “The Rock”. Great scene in “The Rock” where she is riding him like a champ and Nick Cage says like only he can say “Oh yeah. The pigtails are very naughty. Naughty! Naughty!” So he fucks her for awhile, screws up and has a kid with her. Then like every kind, gentle, providing guy he breaks up with her for Megan Fox. Do you blame him? The guy has money, possibly the best kill count ever recorded, stories upon stories and all this at the tender age of 32.

So Beersluggers, I leave you with these questions to ponder: What or who are you going to be in your next life? Who has the best kill count of all time?

What’s the big deal of having a date?

By: F.X. Galvin

Next weekend W.J. Beerslugger and I are attending the wedding of a high school buddy down the Jersey shore. Due to many factors including the size of the families and the cost that comes along with the location, the couple had a difficult time slashing their guest list. Furthermore, dates are more scarce than the pit bull population in Virginia after Michael Vick’s dog fighting operation was busted. Specifically, their rule was that anyone who has not been with someone over a year straight (no off and on bullshit), did not get a date. Needless to say, Beerslugger and I will not be taking dates.

My friend called me apologetic due to the fact that I did not receive a date and even more apologetic that more of our high school buddies were not invited. I told him I could give a shit less and am happy that I made the cut. Then, I explained to him that I have no clue why people get offended in these scenarios. A young couple is trying to have a nice wedding which you are invited to and some people feel the need to bitch about the fact that they did not get a guest. Think about it, the couple has more to do, plan, and worry about then why you were not entitled to a date. Every person who got a date is one less friend my buddy could invite. Some people are just ungrateful.

My buddy explained to me further that everyone who bitched about having to fly solo was a female. I thought about this further and thought about the numerous weddings and events that I have gone to where people bitched and did not bitch about receiving the all important “guest.” Essentially, every time someone whined that she did not get a date it was a girl or one of my friend’s girlfriends after her boyfriend was not awarded a guest. I really tried to think of this from the girl’s perspective but it was difficult so I will delve into it after I analyze the guy’s perspective.

Guys do not want to lead a girl around a wedding or event because it hinders his own good time. If the couple getting married does not know your date well enough to invite them, chances are no one else really knows her either. This translates into a babysitting adventure to make sure your date is comfortable with her surroundings. Also, when you attend weddings of old friends it is common that conversations of the past typically come up. These are the type of conversations that you love to be in if it is not about you or if your significant other is not present. The kind you hate if it is about you and you can see the disgust of your main squeeze mounting by the sentence. Finally, and most practically, you save money.

Women (I should say girls), on the other hand become offended and pissed if they do not get a date. Hold up ladies, I am not saying every female gets mad but from my limited experiences of weddings and such, girls are the people who bitch about not getting a date to an event. The only rational explanation and theory that I have comes from my miserable ex-girlfriend who refuses to attend one of these events without a date. I’ll admit she is on the extreme side as she will not even attend a Christmas party, banquet, wedding etc. without a date. She went as far to take another guy to a wedding when we were in a fight, even after I said I would go several days before. Consequently, a couple of weeks after we broke up last month she text me to tell me she was on her way home from Virginia from fucking him. Real sweet girl. . . and admittedly not the best example. However, her theory was that “at a certain age a woman should be entitled the accompaniment of a man.” I tried to gauge other girls’ theories on this but most of my female friends are cool as shit and said they would not care. The most I could get is “it is about respect.” That makes no sense. They had the respect to invite you, it does not take an additional level of respect to garner you a date. Therefore, I am stuck. I would love to hear more reason why women get mad about not having a date. Please e-mail me or comment.

What baffles me more is when a girlfriend is pissed because her boyfriend was not invited with a guest. This is a place where I have a difficult time searching for answers. Is it a trust issue with your boyfriend that he will cheat on you? Is it a self-esteem issue that the couple getting married does not like you? Outside of trust, dependency, and insecurity I cannot fathom why this would bother a woman. Again, please e-mail me or comment with an explanation because even my crazy ex would not be offended by this but I have heard several angry friend’s girlfriends freak out over this.

I just do not get it. One night in your life you can go out and have a good time without needing a date. Enjoy the company of your friends/family. More importantly, enjoy going to a friend/family members’ wedding and being a part of the most important day of her life. Nobody wants to hear you bitch.

Anne Heche – The BeerSlugger Take

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So I didn’t actually see Anne Heche on Letterman when she bashed her ex-husband but I think it’s kind of funny.  As you’ll see in the video, she berates her ex-husband for essentially not doing anything with his life or being a Soccer coach or something.  Apparently he still wants her to hang out together with him and  or their child which I see as a mildly admirable thing to do but then again I wasn’t in the relationship and I have no idea what went on there.

I’m a little on the fence about Anne Heche, she was OK in a couple movies, then she started eating Ellen Degeneres’ box for awhile, then she went from vagitarian back to a hearty meat diet as evidenced by her marriage to the guy she’s talking about.  I’m going to guess she was on Letterman to promote Hung which is probably my favorite  show of the summer and hopefully keeps going.

Anyway, I don’t know who would go on national TV to say ill of the father of their child but apparently Anne had no problem doing it.  At the end of the video Letterman asks Anne what her ex-husband does and Heche replies something to the effect of going to the mailbox and open up checks that she sends him.

I always think it’s rather amusing when women have to pony up the palimony (the opposite of alimony).  A successful woman having to send the ex-husband checks instead of the of the husband having to send the ex-wife checks. Women are always so gung ho about “getting half” and getting “their money” that it seems ironic when it works the other way.

So Anne Heche plays a bitch ex-wife in the HBO series Hung and it seems she may be a bitch in real life as well but I think the moral of this story is to watch Thomas Jane as a gigolo and some brief female nudity during sex scenes.