I’d like to buy a vowel…

By: Billy Beerslugger

What’s up YouToobers, a couple of weekends ago was a 3 days booze fest complete with a fantasy baseball draft in a Jersey Shore beachfront house. There were at least 7 trashcans filled up with cans and bottles. Much Mac N’ Manco’s, some NBA JAM, Air Hockey and of course tournament style Wii Bowling and Tennis sprinkled amongst the all day drinking and NCAA Basketball games.

On Saturday, things took a decidedly interesting turn. All week in preparation of this draft weekend the “party planner” was asked to procure some adult entertainment. Basically we just wanted a girl to stand there topless and write draft picks up on the board much like Vanna White does the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

You would think this would be an easy task to get a adult entertainer to do. No dancing, no whorishness just stand there and look pretty. The “agency’s” though were asking their full rate, no discount. And it was pondered, “Why are we not getting a discount if all they are doing is just standing there?”. In these tough economic times even the stripper budget is cut back so we tried the unconventional route of calling some numbers on Craigslist “Erotic Services“, which is a nice way of saying hooker. Even these ladies were charging their full hourly rate to stand up there.

At this point my friend and I were in discussions about why a woman who was having sex for money would not discount her hourly rate to model instead of have sex. My friend noted that it was a weekend and prime rates would apply since if we were not going to pay it, someone else would.

He broke it down to me like this:

“If you were a male prostitute, would you rather have sex with one girl for an hour or discount your rate and hang around 10 girls balls naked for an hour without having to have sex?”. To which I replied, “it depends on what the girl I’m supposed to have sex with looks like.”. However, I do understand that as a female prostitute you are trying to maximize money so you would probably take the having sex for $200 over the modeling for $175. I get that, I really do.

We decided not to call anymore prostitutes, explaining what exactly we wanted to happen and them understanding we were not calling for sex became mentally exhausting.

We did learn a good lesson though:

If a prostitute is “In Call“, it means you must go to their location.

If a prostitute is “Out Call“, it means they will come to you.

If a prostitute is, “In / Out Call” it means they will either come to you or you can come to them.

I learned this after a prostitute had stated to me that, “I only do In Call, I don’t do Out Call”. Thinking these were some sort of sexual position I replied, “No, I don’t want sex I just want you to put some names up on a draft board topless”. She then explained the aforementioned In / Out Call scenario. (You never know when you may need to know information like this even if just for conversation.)

But I digress, back to the story. We ordered your regular garden variety, bachelor party strippers at full price. After some non-believers doubted the party planner, the two girls showed up. Hilarity ensued as one of our friends was beaten (by request) with his own belt. The girls also wrote some pretty snide remarks on his ass with magic markers. All this while another friend was making it “Flurry“.

Flurry, if the term has not been coined yet, is a form or precipitating dollar bills on to a stripper. While making it flurry, dollar bills come down softer and more deliberate than when someone “makes it rain“. Making it Flurry is more about great placement of the bill as it falls as opposed to having a bunch of bills fall at the same time randomly. Generally making it flurry is cheaper than making it rain.

My one friend wakes up the next day and takes a dump forgetting that he had markers still on his ass (and actually not even remembering these events transpire). This ass editorial (which included homophobic remarks) was transposed on to portions of the toilet seat. Much like a printing press marks newspaper, my friend’s left ass hieroglyphics on a toilet seat.

The best part was he denied taking the dump until we asked him to show us his ass. Afterward the prosecution rested.

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