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Lesbians, What’s Up?

Watercolour painting by Achille Devéria
Watercolour painting by Achille Devéria

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So Luan Zuccarello and I were at McGillan’s last night to take advantage of .25 cent wings and $5 pitchers and to watch Antonio Bastardo, in his major league debut, mow down the San Diego Padres.  McGillan’s is one of my favorite bars and the oldest bar in the city of Philadelphia (a post dedicated to McGillans in the future).

So we’re sitting there watching the game after eating our wings, just Muggin’ and Sluggin’ (pouring beer from a pitcher into a mug and downing that beer as fast as possible), when a girl comes up and introduces herself.  She’s about 5’5”, a Philly Police Officer and after a brief introduction mentions she’s “Gay as Shit”.  You might have gathered that because she looked like she could be playing catcher on a girls softball team.

The real reason she came over was to try and get us to go talk to her friend a couple of tables away that she was sitting at.  Now we discussed this and it was somewhat amateur and akin to when Rudy Ruettiger (of movie Rudy fame) had to go out and try to pick up girls for his friend D-Bob, but amusing nonetheless.

There really wasn’t any way we were going to get up and chat with the girl two tables away but I did have a great conversation with the Lesbian.

I asked:

“If you were tied down in a bed and blindfolded, I was completely clean shaven and I went down and ate you out,

1) Would you know it was a man?

2) Would I get you off, considering my skills in the art of Cunnilingus?”

“Great Question”, she replied.  Really didn’t offer up an answer but from the pause she took to think about it I’m pretty sure she went home and had a dream about it last night.

This is something I have just added to my life goals, right under being picked from the studio audience  to compete on the Price is Right, bang a semi-attractive lesbian.

She did come back with the question, “If you were blindfolded and bound and a guy was blowing you would you know it?”  I told her a blow job is a blow job and as long as the guy didn’t act like a faggot about it, it was all the same (please read the sarcasm here).  The lesbian is now laughing her ass off.

This is my standard question to any lesbian I meet in a bar and is a great ice-breaker.  Please share any other lesbian stories or pickup lines you may have.

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Megan Fox

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Ok, it’s 5:30am and I’ve been up all night trying to get this fucking application to deploy properly on the a client’s sever but who gives a fuck about that.  I realize I didn’t post anything yesterday and not that I’m running out of ideas or anything I just don’t have the wherewithal to write something as edgy and cool as a Fall Out Boy Anthem right now.

So I’m gonna go with old faithful, hot chicks.  Now the subject of this post has been dubbed the hottest woman on the planet by some, she stars in the upcoming Transformers 2 and I think signed on to do be the new Wonder Woman, I’m talking about Megan Fox.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Megan Fox fan, but she’s not the hottest girl in the world by far, yea I said it.  The woman needs to eat a cheese steak, American Wiz Wit’ if you know what I mean.  If I got her in bed (non-existent chance) I would be worried I would break her. She’s 5’6” and has got to be all of 100lbs.

I’m all for girls being skinny but not starving themselves.  Hot girls are enough to put up with as it is but they’re extremely bitchy when they’re starving themselves.  You see a guy walking around with a hot girl and you’re like, “Damn I wish that was me”, but you don’t know how much bullshit this guy is going through to keep this girl happy and ward off would be suitors at the same time.  All to get laid and walk around town holding hands with the homecoming queen.

Is it worth it? Yea sometimes it’s worth it, but most of the time you’re asking if you can have your testicles back or rocking a dinner/drinks get together with all the other hot girls and their boyfriends.  She’s going, “Go talk to Jim over there he likes Baseball too”.  You casually stroll over, “So Jim how about that local sports team eh’.”.

Anyway, I’m delirious right now.  Here’s you Tuesday moment of Zen.

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That’s Someone’s Daughter

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I just read this article on ABC.com and watched the video, entitled Teens: Oral Sex and Casual Prostitution No Biggie. It talks about how a blow job is the new new good night kiss.  Pre-teen girls are trading sexual favors to stay in relationships, for money and for clothing/accessories.  And these girls don’t think there’s anything really wrong with it.

They apparently come from middle to upper class family’s as well which makes things a little more intriguing, usually it’s the poorer girls that become whorish at an earlier age.  I can remember being at an 8th grade birthday party where a group of girls around the ages of 11-13, told me they were blowing dudes and having sex before their parents came home from work.  All the while I’m thinking, “Why can’t” this be me?”.

I don’t know what took Good Morning America so long to report on this subject but it’s at least 10 years over due.  Now it’s common knowledge that young girls tend to date men who are a little older then them.  Whether it’s because they have a car or because they can buy alcohol or because they have a lot more money then their male counterparts of lesser age.  Since these younger girls are dating slightly more mature or experienced guys, they tend to do try to go the extra mile to try to impress them and be kept around.  “Yeah sure I’ll take my shirt off while drunk at this party”.  “Sure I’ll have sex with you and your friend tonight.”.  Though if there’s one thing these girls have right is that a girl who gives it up (whatever it may be) isn’t going to be at a loss for company on the weekends.

Not that I was privy to the cool chicks banging me at an early age, but i’ve seen my fair share of crazy shit in college.  Freshman girls move into the dorms and for the first semester or so view it as an extension of Senior Week.  Girls walking around in a frat house naked after hours, taking off clothes,throwing them and making out with other girls during the party, a group of guys (including the Chapter Advisor) just sitting around watching a girl finger herself.   Topless Tuesdays, Nitrous Nensdays.  My friend and I had a saying when we would see some girl doing some completely outlandish shit, “That’s someone’s daughter.“.

This type of behavior can continue to occur even after college.  My friend just informed me that he banged a girl who is in his shore house over the weekend, then she proceeded to bang another guy and have a three-some with that guy and another.  Apparently she left a note telling the housemates she was sorry for her actions and she would not be back this summer.  I can only imagine what the note said, “If you’re reading this, you already know.  I banged 3 dudes inside of 48 hours and I can no longer show my face in this house”.

There is though the double standard.  If a guy had roasted 3 girls in 48 hours he’d get a pat on the back and an “atta’ boy”.

I think the point I’m trying to make is that kids have and will continue to do whatever the hell it is they want to do (and what MTV tells them).  In light of the society we live in kids will continue to have sex in their pre-teens given they watch enough Beverly Hills 90210 or Gossip Girl or whatever teenaged show where the crux of a couple episodes a season is whether or not a main female character will have sex/lose their virginity.  There probably is a lot of social pressure for a young girl to get down to business as well.

Inevitably a girl has to get royally screwed over to realize they need to grow up and not just do crazy shit to impress some jerk off guys or trade sex to be in a relationship.  I’m guessing girls that have sex earlier, realize the need to get more mature in their sexuality earlier.  Though they will be labeled a whore in high school they have a chance to re-invent themselves in college.  Either way kids are growing up faster then our parents ever dreamed of.  I just wish I was getting Hum-Jums when I was 11.

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Over-Pursuit

tackleBy: Billy BeerSlugger

In life as in football, you have to be sure that you are not over-pursuing your objective.  As anyone who is a fan of the NFL can attest, a defender over-pursuing a ballcarrier in the open field leaves himself open to a change in direction and when that happens the defender is usually grabbing at air or on the ground ground trying to make a shoestring tackle.

The same is true in dating I have found.  Playing the game is a necessary part of acquiring a worthy mate.  Acting semi-interested in the girl instead of full blown will get you a lot farther a lot faster.  Seems counter intuitive but since women run on emotion instead of logic that’s the way this game needs to be played.

You don’t want to go Stage 5 Clinger when you first get the girls phone number and text or call repeatedly, even if she is the best looking girl in your black book at the moment.  This may be especially hard right after a breakup where you may not have any girls in your phone.  I had to re-learn the lessons of over-pursuit the hard way.

Think of the movie Tommy Boy, and the scene where Chris Farley describes how excited he gets when a potential client is remotely interested in buying something from him:

Now replace the “sale” in Tommy Boy with the Girls Phone Number.  It’s essentially the same principal, sales is a numbers game just like dating. anyway  You gotta play it cool, too cool for school if you know what I mean.

If you ask the girl out and she has something to do let her make the next move.  If you don’t hear from her in a couple of weeks try one more time and if it doesn’t happen, delete her from your phone.  It’s actually a very liberating experience.

Hollywood movies would have you believe that if you put yourself out there, just tell the girl straight up you’re  at least ready to explore the possibility of starting a relationship that this will work in your favor.  These love stories had me a bit confused as a young adult and what had me even more confused is that watching these stories with females, they get teary eyed, emotional and tell you that’s the kind of guy they want, a nice guy, “Why can’t I find a nice guy?”.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  There’s a least a billion nice guys out there and all I ever hear from women is how shitty their current boyfriend treats them (though there’s always two sides to that story).  Still when it comes down to it they would rather date the bad boy then the nice guy.

All I’m saying is that like football, you have to take the correct angle to make the tackle.  Don’t overpursue, don’t underpursue.  Be available but not that available, show interest but not that much interest.  You can be a nice guy and still compete with the bad boys using other tools like being nonchalant and mysterious.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

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The Jewish Nationality

starBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I was chatting up a young lady Thursday night and things are going pretty well.  We’re doing the regular introductory questions, “Where are you from?”, “Where do you live?”, “What college did you go to?”.  Then things get a litttle interesting. I noticed she kind of had an olive colored skin and asked what was her heritage was.  She replied, “Jewish”.

First of all if someone asked me where my ancestors originally hail from I’m going to say I’m Irish/Welsh.  How I’m not going to answer the question is “Oh I’m Catholic” because that’s my religion (or at least that’s how I was raised).   I was running out of witty things to talk about and decided to settle on this topic for awhile, respectfully of course.

I tried explaining to her why i thought Jewish was not a nationality.  You can’t be from Jew because it doesn’t exist.  If I’m wrong please point it out to me on a map.  I would have accepted German Jew, Italian Jew,  Indian Jew, Spanish Jew, Egyptian Jew, African Jew or maybe Isreali.  Why do you have to bring the religion into it though?  I asked her if she knew which part of the world her Jewish family came from but she didn’t know, she just knew she was Jewish.

Not that it’s terribly important to me to know where this girls family originated because it’s not, if I were her though it’s just something I would want to know for my own edification.  I’m just bringing this stuff up with her because I have nothing better to talk to her about.  To me a blow job is a blow job and it does not have a nationality, and that’s the real goal here.  Though from what I’ve heard from some former co-workers I was barking up the wrong tree hoping to get a BJ from a Jewish girl.  They tell me you’d be hard pressed to find a Jewish girl that will put non-kosher cock in her mouth.  In this instance, they were right.

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Social Networking / Dating Profile Pictures – That’s not you?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

While I had to retire from social networking a while back, one thing that I did notice is that people put the absolute best ever pictures on their profiles.  Like they went to Glamor Shots and then had them retouched.  Most people’s profile pictures will be from some vacation when they have a really good tan, the wind is blowing through their hair, the lighting is just right.  Possibly a night at a bar when they looked especially good, makeup, hair and outfit were all working in unison.   Neck crooked in such a way to stretch out their second chin.  Maybe just a headshot if they don’t want to reveal the shape of the rest of their body.  Possibly a head and chest shot if that’s what’s working. Maybe they had the photo taken in or converted to black and white, hiding even more imperfections.

You’ve went on some of your girl friend’s profiles and been like, “Damn she looks good”.  Well fellas it’s a little but of camera trickery.  They don’t really look that good, but for a split second in time, when the planets aligned correctly, they took some really good pictures.  And it’s not to say they’re not pretty, it’s just that they’re not as pretty as their best picture suggests.

I understand if you are using one of these social networks/dating sites to lure in men or women, I get that.  You’re trying to market yourself to someone else and putting your best stuff up there will maximize your hits or comments or messages or friends.  Makes sense, I guess when I used the social networks I kinda did the same things.

The weirder thing is when non-single women (and men but I really have never perused men’s profiles) continue to put their best pictures on the site for purposes of their own ego, even after they have found their “special someone”.  Crying out for attention, “Hey look at me, I’m pretty“.  Receiving comments, friend requests and messages from random deushe bags telling her so, “Hey girl you look fiyne!  Thanks for the add!“.  Letting her know she’s still got it.  All the while in the back of her head she reasons she can still go out and find another guy if need be and be confident enough to use that pseudo-fact in an arguement with the significant other.

I could be wrong, it could be for a photo competition with their friends.  Her best photo against all her friends best photos, leave each other messages like, “You’re so pretty” and then talk about the person behind their back.  Don’t think this kind of stuff doesn’t happen.

I’ll never get women.  I’m pretty sure if they didn’t have vagina’s I wouldn’t even talk to them.  Maybe to get their opinion on paint colors for a room but that’s about it.  Meanwhile I’m relegated to a life of dealing with them.

On that note I’m getting drunk tonight….

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Latisse – More Bullshit for Women to Buy

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So there’s this new drug out there that makes your eyelashes grow.  I wasn’t even aware this was a disease but apparently hypotrichosis is when you have short eyelashes.  Man that must suck.  I mean of all the things to be afflicted with, I wouldn’t wish short eyelashes on anyone.

But seriously, some people may need this.  In the 90 some seconds of research I’ve done for this article I’ve seen some pretty alien looking women with little to no visible eyelashes.  The sad fact is that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of women will now ask their doctor for this drug that do not actually need it.  Cougars will probably blow a pharmacist to get this stuff.

Latisse is a once-daily prescription treatment applied to the base of the upper eyelashes which supposedly increases eyelash prominence, length, thickness and darkness.  Side effects include possible itching and redness, permanent darkening of the eyelid skin, possible brown pigmentation to the colored part of the eye, hair growth if Latisse is applied to the area outside the eyelashes and variation in eyelash growth direction.  But hey it’s approved by the FDA and they are never wrong, ever.

What’s the next vanity drug to come out? If a drug that helps you get longer eylashes is any indication of what  companies are going to market to women to look marginally better then the sky’s the limit.  I mean come on if  Women are injecting the Botulism Virus into their faces then they’ll pretty much do anything to look subjectively prettier.

A funny sidenote to Botox is that a little while ago their slogan on commecials was, “Express yourself”.  It’s hilarious when you think that Botox is injected to paralyze muscles in the face.  Typically facial expression is more or less limited after Botox, thus the Zinger.

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Miss California, Gay Backlash, The Liberal & Right Wing Media

By: W.J. BeerSlugger

Usually I try to stay away from these crappy political battles that don’t matter and actually detract, if anything, from the real news the Mega Corporations that run the news should be reporting on.  However, I kind of can’t stay away from this one.

I guess i’ll give you a brief synopsis of the back story that started this sh!tstorm.  Carrie Prejean, Miss California and a contestant for Miss America was asked by Celebrity Blogger (and noted Homosexual) Perez Hilton, a judge, what her thoughts were on Gay Marriage.  Ms. Prejean answered that she did not believe in same sex marriage, stating she was brought up that way.

You gotta give her a little credit for sticking to her guns.  In this day and age where supporting Gay Marriage (publicly) is akin to peeing your pants in the movie Billy Madison, it’s refreshing to see someone in the spotlight answer that question opposingly.

So Miss California did not win Miss America and afterward, judge Perez Hilton went on to to a Youtube video describing why she lost and calling her some mean names:

I guess he makes a good point, she could have answered in the way that takes the personal belief out of it and puts the onus on state or federal government.  That’s the politcially correct way to handle that question.  Nonetheless, the way she answered the question doesn’t make her wrong.  It’s her opinion (unless otherwise scripted by Donald Trump’s minions).

Now for the last week or so all you hear on the news and read about on news websites is Miss California this and Carrie Prejean that.  So you have the right wing media supporting her for opposing gay marriage and the left wing media bashing her for being a whore naive model.

The left wing media bringing out that she allegedly posed topless for some photos while younger, which is against pageant rules.  Also that, allegedly, the Miss California pageant company paid for breast implants.

Surprisingly, all I can think about is WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT MS. CALIFORNIA THINKS ABOUT SAME SEX MARRIAGE!  She’s in a beauty pageant not running for office.  Get this story off my iGoogle newsfeed page and out of what little TV news I watch (but keep me informed if any more naked pictures come out).

What really drove me to write this article was a piece i saw on the Kieth Olberman program.  I was so angry with it I actually watched the whole 6 minute 40 second clip.  Here it is:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I can’t stand Kieth Olbermann . I can’t believe people on the left take his gospel as the Word of God when a few years ago this guy was spouting out one-liners at dunks and home runs as a sports jockey for ESPN.  I got into a discussion with a bar patron recently and he was all about Olbermann.  Saying how he thought Kieth was great American and that he loved his rants.  I’ll admit Olbermann can spout off a good rant but I’d look pretty serious too if I had a ton of writers coming up with rant content for me.  As I delved more deeply into the root of his man crush on Olbermann the guy says, “He really goes after Bill O’Reilly and I hate that guy.”.  I guess that’s a valid point but going after Bill O’ is why Olbermann is even a blip on the news anchor radar these days.  It’s why people like him and from what I’ve seen he has devoted a lot of time to the subject.  He’s more known for policing Bill O’Reilly show than his own journalism.

After conveying these tidbits to the bar patron he accuses me of being a Bill O’Reilly lover which I denied.  I told him I try to get my news and opinion from less biased sources.  I cited that I thought both O’Reilly and Olbermann were puppets of their respectively right and left leaning TV networks and thus reported stories a certain way for political and or economic interests.

“Oh well you gotta admit Olbermann is better then O’Reilly… come on”.  I said that’s kind of like saying Athelete’s Foot is better than Jock Itch in my book chief!

One of the more Hilarious points about the Miss California story is that everyone knows who she is now and she’s not even Miss America.  Anyone know Miss America’s name?  I bet she’s pissed.  She won and the runner up is the big story.

note:  Sorry, this should have been two posts and I really didn’t want to overuse the videos in the article but that’s just the way it happened.  Better journalism when I start getting paid and bow into the will of the interests of my sponsors.

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It’s Boner Time…

By: Billy BeerSlugger

You’ve seen them from time to time on a late night infomercial.  Extagen, Enzyte, Alzare, Extenze, Longitude, Size Max, VigRX, MagnaRX and Androenlarge.  All promise to make your member larger, usually dealing with girth as opposed to length.

I’ll focus on Extenze because I feel like that’s the one I’ve seen for the last couple of years.  One late night I got home from a drunken adventure and was flipping through channels.  I flipped by and saw Porn Legend Ron Jeremy hocking this boner pill.  Yea I watched just like you did chief.

Here’s what Extenze claims:

What will ExtenZe® Do For Me?*

  • Enlarge your penis and erection.
  • Give you harder, more frequent erections.
  • Give you more intense orgasms.
  • Make your erections last longer.
  • Makes getting an erection easier and more reliable.
  • Enhance desire, power, pleasure and performance.
  • Improve your overall sex life and penile sensitivity.

Several things I found funny were that in the infomercial they had a guy in a lab coat swishing around colored liquids in a beaker and pills rolling off an assembly line like this was somehow going to convince me that it’s credible and actually going to make my bird grow.  It’s clearly science.

Two, they have a real medical doctor endorsing it.  Dr. Daniel Stein, founder of the Stein Medical institute finds it thoroughly effective after extensive research.  I don’t know of anyone that has ever heard of the Stein Medical Institute. Do these doctors that go on TV and endorse these bullsh!t products get sanctioned at all?  Like the MD who endorsed Hydroxycut and then a couple months later Hydroxycut is taken off store shelves.

Three, as stated in the commercial, men all over the world have taken Extenze and over a quarter of a billion pills have been sent out.  Wow that makes me really reassured.  Small dicked bastards all over the world have been duped by this company into buying a bunch of supplements that are available at your local drug store, for 4 times the price.

Four, you can get a free week’s supply of Extenze for just the cost of a postage stamp.  “If Extenze didn’t work could we afford to do that?”.  Well, apparently they can.  Sign me up for my free sample!

Most of these pills are made up of Yohimbe, Ginsen, Horny Goat Weed etc.  These are all things available at most places they sell vitamins.  They all are said to promote healthy circulation which in turn can mean better boners.

So does it work?  Yes it works!  I got my free week supply in the mail and I took 3 times the recommended dosage for 3 days and now my “certain area” is at least 8 inches in girth in addition to my generous 3.25 inches in length.  I can barely fit in Bob McFlurry’s mom anymore, she loves it.

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Rihanna and Prince?

By: Billy BeerSluggerriprince

I’m not trying to pick on Rihanna, I know she just got her face busted by Nick Cannon or whatever that rapper dude’s name is, but did you ever notice the eerie similarity of her and Prince.  Just about the only things that distinguish them from one another are breasts and a very faint mustache.  Same haircut, same light colored skin, same body type and build.  You would think they were at least brother and sister.

Now yea I guess I would bang Rihanna, if only to say “I banged Rihanna“.  But now I made this connection to Prince, I don’t know if I could go through with it.  I could be balls deep in Rihanna and probably the only thing I would be able to think about is Prince wearing those pants with the ass cut out so you could see his butt cheeks. Kinda giving myself the heeby jeebies just thinking about it.

Just in case you wanted to know, there are possibly some racy photos of the Rihanna circulating on the web.  Allegedly these photos were leaked by the same practical jokester that beat her ass a couple weeks back.  Whether the pics are real or not remains to be seen.