Chelsea Handler in Playboy

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I like Chelsea Handler.  I’ll sometimes catch the Soup and her Show with side show act Chuey before I go to bed.  Even though it’s not exactly improv as you can tell the topics and jokes for the topics are preconceived, she seems to have a realness about her. I guess as real as you can get when you have your own show about celebrity gossip.

Anyway, I’m a fan of naked chicks and there’s something about seeing a Hollywood chick naked that is better than just going on the internet and finding random naked chicks that aren’t famous for just taking their clothes off.  Maybe it’s because they’re in movies or TV shows or whatever but I like to get to know my naked celebrities a little bit before I put them in the spank bank.

Anywhoodle, I’m sure they had to makeup and photoshop Chelsea a lot because shes been going to the dark side over the last couple of years. I can see her being a Joan Rivers type in 15 years or so.


Lady GaGa Topless

I'd probably Poke Her Face
I'd probably Poke Her Face........... Sexually that is.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

This is goign to be a pretty small post.  I wouldn’t call myself a Lady Gaga enthusiast but I do enjoy naked women.  Plus I do have a dance for Poker Face. I feel it’s my duty to inform you of naked celebrities.

Here’s the hermaphrodite topless in V magazine.

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Poker Face

Yes it’s Sunday and I’m wasted. What are you doing?

Why Women Have Sex

It's Complicated
It's Complicated

By: Billy BeerSlugger

In what is easily some of the best reading I’ve done in awhile, I checked out this article from the Guardian in the UK. Lots of stuff I already knew or subconsciously knew but it’s great to have a study behind it because lets face it, what’s opinion without some scientific facts behind it.

No not all women have sex for money: directly or indirectly, some do rather enjoy the experience. Apparently for the enjoyment of it was reason number one.

Some Others included:

  • promotion
  • bartering
  • for revenge
  • to get back at a partner who has cheated on them
  • to make their partners feel bad
  • to make themselves feel good
  • duty
  • using sex to get rid of him
  • to make him jealous

Some interesting concepts included:

“Love” as an Insurance Policy

Saying Love is essentially something that helps ensure your mate won’t leave you. Also goes into the chemicals the brain produces when someone is in love like phenylethylamine, dopamine and norepinephrine which can induce a euphoria like experience.  From what I’ve read love is just a chemical reaction.. if you want to believe that.

The Concept of Mate Poaching:

“There isn’t this huge pool of highly desirable men just sitting out there waiting for women.” So how does a woman get the man she desires?  We “compete to embody what men want” – high heels to show off our pelvises, lip-gloss to make men think about vagina’s, and we see off our rivals with slander. We spread gossip – “She’s easy!” – because that makes the slandered woman less inviting to men as a long-term partner. She may get short-term genetic benefits but she can sing all night for the resource benefits, like a cat sitting out in the rain. Then – then! – the gossiper mates with the man herself.

The Concept of Mate Guarding:

Women regularly have sex with their mates to stop them seeking it elsewhere. Mate guarding is closely related to “a sense of duty”, a popular reason for sex.  “Most of the time I just lie there and make lists in my head. I grunt once in a while so he knows I’m awake, and then I tell him how great it was when it’s over. We are happily married.” Women also Mate Guard by flaunting healthy sexual relationships thus signaling to potential “competition” that her mate has no need to look for sex anywhere else.

The Economics of Sex:

Not just prostitution but handbags, dinner, drugs, jobs but also to get their partner to take out the trash or mow the lawn. Freshman girls will bang fraternity guys and others who can acquire alcohol and get them and their friends drunk for free. However, they also do it for the status of it as well.

Women use sex at every stage of a relationship, “from luring a man into the relationship, to try and keep a man so he is fulfilled and doesn’t stray”.

This just goes on to prove a point my dad told me at an early age, “Women have a gold mine between their legs”. It also goes into my own theory of dating and relationships, once a women begins using sex as leverage to get what she wants you are officially fucked. Once sex between you and a girl you’re dating isn’t just for pleasure it becomes a relationship. It also makes me wonder if the girl is even having sex with you in the beginning under the pretenses of pleasure or just to lure you in as a potential mate. Have I been naive this whole time?

So more or less, women have sex to get what they want. Whether it is to get or keep a man, get monetary, egotistical or otherwise beneficial gain from it or bribe their husband into mowing the lawn.  Per this article women are attracted to men with symmetrical features as well as scent (Pheromones?). These features are apparently ingrained in women as a way of choosing a the best sperm to produce her offspring  just as a woman with ample breasts, blonde hair and large hips is supposed signs of a good child bearer to a male.

While I’ll never really fully understand women it’s good to know as much as possible about the enemy. This article was definitely an eye opener in terms of motivations behind a woman’s decision to partake in sex.

Mackenzie Phillips Was Banging Her Dad

Credit: Kristin Barlowe; Yvonne Hemsey/Getty Images
Credit: Kristin Barlowe; Yvonne Hemsey/Getty Images

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So news came out within the last couple days about how Mackenzie Phillips of 80’s Soap Opera fame and her father of 70’s band Momma’s and the Poppa’s were involved in an incestuous relationship for over ten years. She is going on Oprah to discuss the ordeal and has a book coming out shortly.  The first thing that comes to my mind is why ugly ass Mackenzie Phillips and not her way better looking sister Chyna Phillips of early 90’s group Wilson Phillips.  Only a truly sick and twisted individual would bang his less good looking daughter.

It’s kind of hilarious how things work in the publishing world. You have celebrities that do fucked up shit and then write a book about it. You have politician’s that do fucked up shit and write a book about it. You have regular people who do fucked up shit, get famous for doing the fucked up shit and then write a book about it. It’s a system that rewards bad behavior with book deals and the general public eats this stuff up like the last slice of pizza on a drunken Friday night after the bars close.

Oh, but don’t forget the talk show tour de’ sympathie and or shame while hawking the book. The absolute pinnacle of this charade being the Oprah show and the obligatory, “…how did that make you feel” question (queue Crocodile Tears!).

Seriously though, what does that say about the person that buys this book?  You already know the jist, she was banging her dad for like 10 years.  Or does this sick person want to know all the gross details like when it started, what positions they liked or if she came during sex. It’s like an incestuous romance novel but set in real life. I’m going to venture to guess that 98% of the people that buy this book are women who have deep seeded daddy issues and may actually be Jillin’ Off while reading the juicy parts.

I think this just proves that people will do absolutely anything for money.  Banged your dad for 10 years, write a book about it.  Started banging dudes and got caught while you were the governor, write a book about it. Sell a Senate seat to the highest bidder while Governor and get caught, write a book about it. Bet on Baseball while you’re a manager, get caught, deny it for 20 years then admit to it in a book you wrote about it.

Granted some stories are more compelling than others and while sex definitely sells in our culture you may have to cut off the book deal for people who bang their dad for 10 years and then want to make money off the story.

note: Jillin’ Off is a slang term for female masturbation.

I could have also used:

Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw

Muffin Buffin’

Polishing the Pearl

Two Finger Taco Tango

Beat the Beaver

Riding the Unicycle

Play the Clitar

Double Clicking the Mouse

or Fucking Without Complications

Shawne Merriman Vs. Tila Tequilla

tila-tequila-antzBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I know I’m somewhat late on this story but I like to err on the side of caution when dealing with celebrities and a woman getting beaten or raped by a man because it always seems like the guy in question (at least initially) is guilty until proven innocent. Take the Duke Lacrosse case, Kobe Bryant’s alleged ass raping of a young Colorado woman or Ben Rothlisberger’s recent accuser as examples of the media going off and over-sensationalizing a story and then being wrong about it.

The first time I heard about this story I’m going, “why the fuck is Shawne Merriman dating Tila Tequilla?”. There has to be about a million bi-sexual girls that would bang Shawne Merriman that don’t look like they starred in the animated film Antz. Not to mention the whole bi-sexual reality dating show she starred in getting slobbered on by male and female tools alike on national TV.  It just didn’t seem like the kind of sound decision that a steroid shooting, purple mohawk sporting linebacker would make.

Then I came across this from a local San Diego new station purporting to have the inside scoop after interviewing people in the know.  Allegedly, Merriman went into his bedroom with two women, Tila Tequilla went in after and Merriman asked Tequilla to join the festivities which is perfectly reasonable request to a known whore bag. She became enraged, threatened to have sexual congress with a member of Merriman’s entourage, got naked and tried to leave the premises. It is said this is the point that Merriman restrained Tequilla and 911 was called.

Pretty much the kind of behavior you would expect from a steroided up monster and the strumpetish star of the first mainstream bi-sexual, reality/competition TV dating show.

I won’t even really offer you an opinion on who I think is right or wrong, I’ll just say that this is why I rarely have sex with 3 girls at once anymore. Crazy girls tend to exaggerate stories but they are also the only ones who will bang you with two of their whore friends. It’s like playing with dynamite and if it happens to explode you either have a court case or herpes… or both.

How cool is this guy?

Brian Austin Green, God's gift to Women?

By: Luan Zuccarello

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that reincarnation exists and you have your choice of who or what you are going to be in your next life. That question is too easy for me and number one on my big board is the artist formally known as Brian Austin Green now just Brian Green. Think about how cool it would have been growing up on Beverley Hills 90210. Every day you’re hanging out with Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth. Your learning about the birds and the bees from Luke Perry, and when you get bored with that you go bang a couple extras in your trailer. Then Tiffani Amber Thiessen decides to join the show and tries to make over her girl next door image by playing a slut!

Ahhh there is a God! Seriously every guy between the ages of 24 and 30 has choked their chicken to her multiple times.  Imagine “being there” for her during this transition. He dated her for a couple years then moved on to Vanessa Marcil when she came on 90210. For those who don’t know Vanessa Marcil – first shame on you and second she is of the TV show “Vegas” fame and plays Nick Cage’s girlfriend in “The Rock”. Great scene in “The Rock” where she is riding him like a champ and Nick Cage says like only he can say “Oh yeah. The pigtails are very naughty. Naughty! Naughty!” So he fucks her for awhile, screws up and has a kid with her. Then like every kind, gentle, providing guy he breaks up with her for Megan Fox. Do you blame him? The guy has money, possibly the best kill count ever recorded, stories upon stories and all this at the tender age of 32.

So Beersluggers, I leave you with these questions to ponder: What or who are you going to be in your next life? Who has the best kill count of all time?

What’s the big deal of having a date?

By: F.X. Galvin

Next weekend W.J. Beerslugger and I are attending the wedding of a high school buddy down the Jersey shore. Due to many factors including the size of the families and the cost that comes along with the location, the couple had a difficult time slashing their guest list. Furthermore, dates are more scarce than the pit bull population in Virginia after Michael Vick’s dog fighting operation was busted. Specifically, their rule was that anyone who has not been with someone over a year straight (no off and on bullshit), did not get a date. Needless to say, Beerslugger and I will not be taking dates.

My friend called me apologetic due to the fact that I did not receive a date and even more apologetic that more of our high school buddies were not invited. I told him I could give a shit less and am happy that I made the cut. Then, I explained to him that I have no clue why people get offended in these scenarios. A young couple is trying to have a nice wedding which you are invited to and some people feel the need to bitch about the fact that they did not get a guest. Think about it, the couple has more to do, plan, and worry about then why you were not entitled to a date. Every person who got a date is one less friend my buddy could invite. Some people are just ungrateful.

My buddy explained to me further that everyone who bitched about having to fly solo was a female. I thought about this further and thought about the numerous weddings and events that I have gone to where people bitched and did not bitch about receiving the all important “guest.” Essentially, every time someone whined that she did not get a date it was a girl or one of my friend’s girlfriends after her boyfriend was not awarded a guest. I really tried to think of this from the girl’s perspective but it was difficult so I will delve into it after I analyze the guy’s perspective.

Guys do not want to lead a girl around a wedding or event because it hinders his own good time. If the couple getting married does not know your date well enough to invite them, chances are no one else really knows her either. This translates into a babysitting adventure to make sure your date is comfortable with her surroundings. Also, when you attend weddings of old friends it is common that conversations of the past typically come up. These are the type of conversations that you love to be in if it is not about you or if your significant other is not present. The kind you hate if it is about you and you can see the disgust of your main squeeze mounting by the sentence. Finally, and most practically, you save money.

Women (I should say girls), on the other hand become offended and pissed if they do not get a date. Hold up ladies, I am not saying every female gets mad but from my limited experiences of weddings and such, girls are the people who bitch about not getting a date to an event. The only rational explanation and theory that I have comes from my miserable ex-girlfriend who refuses to attend one of these events without a date. I’ll admit she is on the extreme side as she will not even attend a Christmas party, banquet, wedding etc. without a date. She went as far to take another guy to a wedding when we were in a fight, even after I said I would go several days before. Consequently, a couple of weeks after we broke up last month she text me to tell me she was on her way home from Virginia from fucking him. Real sweet girl. . . and admittedly not the best example. However, her theory was that “at a certain age a woman should be entitled the accompaniment of a man.” I tried to gauge other girls’ theories on this but most of my female friends are cool as shit and said they would not care. The most I could get is “it is about respect.” That makes no sense. They had the respect to invite you, it does not take an additional level of respect to garner you a date. Therefore, I am stuck. I would love to hear more reason why women get mad about not having a date. Please e-mail me or comment.

What baffles me more is when a girlfriend is pissed because her boyfriend was not invited with a guest. This is a place where I have a difficult time searching for answers. Is it a trust issue with your boyfriend that he will cheat on you? Is it a self-esteem issue that the couple getting married does not like you? Outside of trust, dependency, and insecurity I cannot fathom why this would bother a woman. Again, please e-mail me or comment with an explanation because even my crazy ex would not be offended by this but I have heard several angry friend’s girlfriends freak out over this.

I just do not get it. One night in your life you can go out and have a good time without needing a date. Enjoy the company of your friends/family. More importantly, enjoy going to a friend/family members’ wedding and being a part of the most important day of her life. Nobody wants to hear you bitch.

Anne Heche – The BeerSlugger Take

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So I didn’t actually see Anne Heche on Letterman when she bashed her ex-husband but I think it’s kind of funny.  As you’ll see in the video, she berates her ex-husband for essentially not doing anything with his life or being a Soccer coach or something.  Apparently he still wants her to hang out together with him and  or their child which I see as a mildly admirable thing to do but then again I wasn’t in the relationship and I have no idea what went on there.

I’m a little on the fence about Anne Heche, she was OK in a couple movies, then she started eating Ellen Degeneres’ box for awhile, then she went from vagitarian back to a hearty meat diet as evidenced by her marriage to the guy she’s talking about.  I’m going to guess she was on Letterman to promote Hung which is probably my favorite  show of the summer and hopefully keeps going.

Anyway, I don’t know who would go on national TV to say ill of the father of their child but apparently Anne had no problem doing it.  At the end of the video Letterman asks Anne what her ex-husband does and Heche replies something to the effect of going to the mailbox and open up checks that she sends him.

I always think it’s rather amusing when women have to pony up the palimony (the opposite of alimony).  A successful woman having to send the ex-husband checks instead of the of the husband having to send the ex-wife checks. Women are always so gung ho about “getting half” and getting “their money” that it seems ironic when it works the other way.

So Anne Heche plays a bitch ex-wife in the HBO series Hung and it seems she may be a bitch in real life as well but I think the moral of this story is to watch Thomas Jane as a gigolo and some brief female nudity during sex scenes.

Subjectivity On Infidelity

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Now there have been countless stories in the news about this guy cheating on his wife with that girl.  Stories of infidelity about politicians, sports stars, coaches, teachers, CEO’s and every other walk of life. Lately I’ve been following the Rick Pitino sex scandal from afar. All I know is that he admitted on cheating on his wife with a woman and she was allegedly trying to blackmail him.  But that’s neither here nor there.

You look at the lot of these cases whether in court or portrayed in the media and 99% of them paint the guy in a negative light.  Donald Trump, Frank Gifford, Peter Cook/Kristy Brinkley, Bill Clinton, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, Rudy Giuliani, Senator Larry Craig, Jim McGreevy, Eliot Spitzer, Hugh Grant, Jude Law, Usher, Kobe Bryant and the list goes on and on and on. I think one thing is for sure that men (and women) will continue to cheat on their significant others.

That being said, there’s two oddly peculiar cases surrounding cheating that women rarely scoff at. David Beckham and Brad Pitt are two people who (allegedly) cheated on their spouses yet received little to no harm to their careers because of it.  Brad Pitt broke it off with wife Jennifer Aniston to get with Angelina Jolie and David Beckham seems to have been in the news a couple of times for banging random girls.

I’m not sure if these two stars just have great PR teams and were able to quell the backlash or if women generally just did not care that these two guys cheated.  Not to say that the stories were not covered but not in the negativity and public outcry of say a Bill Clinton, Peter Cook or Eliot Spitzer.  Granted some of the political figures involved in sex scandals are makers of public policy and should be held to a higher standard but are not they all human.

Now I’m not advocating cheating or anything of the like, all I’m saying is that it’s weird that if you talk to a girl about Peter Cook who cheated on Kristie Brinkley most will say they hate the guy and think he’s an asshole for cheating on his wife but if you ask the ask the same girl about Brad Pitt they’ll say he’s the hottest man alive and leave out the part that he (allegedly) cheated on Jennifer Anniston.  Is Brad Pitt or David Beckham or any other so called “sexiest man alive” held to a lower standard on the fidelity part of their relationships than the rest of us mortal men?  Does being insanely hot get you a pass in some instances?  I know hot women get passes all the time but does this happen for men too?  I’ll bring this point up to women and some say they don’t care if he cheated that they still love Brad Pitt.

I’d like to hear some comments from men and women on this matter.  Given the same level of marital indiscretion from two men, one being average looking and the other being or Brad Pitt status, does the average looking one receive more heat than the really good looking one? From a mass media standpoint and from a woman’s opinion standpoint?

Breast Tattoo’s: Just Stop It

breast-tattoos-0708-lgBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I’ve been a fan of the female breast all my life.  From the time I was an infant to this very second, there has not been a day gone by that I have not thought about the abundant beauty that a woman’s opulent chubbies can bring.

It is in men’s DNA to find these womanly chest appendages appealing in nature. Large breasts are supposed to note a higher fertility rate and thus a reason why we men (as animals) are so attracted to them even subconsciously.

Now I’m all for art and it should be taught in schools and all that and I’m all for a womans right to do what they will with their bodies whether it’s abortion or prostitution.  However, do we really need to deface one of the greatest parts of the female body with a tattoo?

I’m not really anti-tattoo even though I myself probably will never get one but can’t women just stick to the tramp-stamp on the back or the shoulder tattoo?  I really don’t care where the tattoo is as long as it’s not on your breast.

The tattoo may seem like a great idea at the time but breasts do tend to sag as you get older.  That rose you got on your left breast may turn into a really really long-stem rose by the time you’re 40, and no one wants to see that.

I’m walking down Chestnut St. today getting lunch and I see a early to mid 30’s lady wearing business attire walking toward me and I’m checking her out then as I get closer she’s got the Eve paw print tattoo on both breasts and I am immediately turned off.  Just another example of perfectly good breasts being ruined by a naive 20 something trying to piss off her dad or trying to show some individuality.  Congratulations, you’ve succeeded in your efforts to look like a skank.

So this is my public service announcement for breast tattoo’s, just don’t do it.