BeerSlugger.com

By: F. X. Galvin

For the last two months I have participated in the worst experience of my life, taking the bar exam. This was honestly a miserable life experience for several different reasons. Sorry that it took me a month to write a post since the bar but I have been severely intoxicated and just have not had the time to remove myself from a drunken stupor to contribute to Beerslugger. Here are some of the reasons:

The studying sucked. I took the Pennsylvania and New Jersey bar exams. The New Jersey bar only has seven subjects and did not take any extra work. However, the PA bar had 20 subjects, give or take, and took too much of my hard earned leisure time to learn. My ritual would consist of waking up and beginning to study before 10:00. I would study until about 1:00 pm where I would take a break to run. After the run I would shower then return to studying. I would stop studying a little after 4:00, eat dinner and leave for bar review class. I would be at class from 6:00 pm until 9:00 or 10:00, depending on the lecture. Many rights after I got home, sometimes after 11:00, I would do at least another hour of work. I write out this monotonous procedure to explain the “Groundhog’s Day” effect this process had on me.

It was financially draining. To take the PA bar, plus computer fees, the MBE (Multistate test that everyone has to take in the country to be barred) score transfer fee it cost $630.00. The New Jersey bar fee, plus the computer fee costs, plus fingerprints (I know pick your favorite explicative), plus hotel to take the bar in Atlantic City, approximately $750.00. The Barbri review course cost roughly 3k. All of this, plus lost wages due to the fact that I only worked two days a week between the last week of May through July 4th, then promptly took leave without pay through the end of July. There is also plenty of miscellaneous expenses I could throw in which I will not bore you with. Seriously, this test is too expensive to fail. NO, my work did not pick up the tab.

The bar itself sucked. Three days, six hours per day of testing is enough to want to hang yourself in the bathroom stall with your shoelaces. Moreover, during lunch and after the test you are subjected to whiny bitches freaking the fuck out about the tax consequences of casualty losses, premises liability, U.C.C. defenses, so on and so forth. Fuck all of you, you are the people who consistently pass. It is the quiet kid who keeps to himself who knows that he did not study hard enough who bombed the thing. I do not want to listen to someone I did not talk to for the last 4 years (I went to law school at night) cry to me how he does not know how to apply an anti-lapse statute concerning a will. You will actually witness a couple of meltdowns are hilarious. My favorite is the chick who projectile vomited during lunch of the first day. I also heard that a girl failed to finish the final 60 questions of the MBE and freaked out on the proctor. (unfortunately at this time this story is hearsay (hopefully someone sees the irony)).

I had to deal with my crazy ex-girlfriend. Going out with this girl on and off for three years is the epitome of why you should not attend law school. Stubborn, outspoken, pretentious, self-absorbed, dishonest, infallible (so she thinks) . . . characteristics of a typical law student/lawyer, which in turn my ex fell directly in line with. Throughout law school I talked to about 10 people over 4 years that I honestly liked. The remaining 95% could get hit by a Mack truck and I would not blink. Getting in a fight with her the day after the bar ending the relationship for good was the most liberating experience of my life. As I was getting dumped by her I was detaching myself from her and all of the pretentious pricks like her. (Yes, I partially enjoyed getting dumped).

My Grandfather passed away two weeks before the bar. Yes, I could not adequately morn my favorite grandparent’s death. I missed two days of studying for my grandfather’s viewing and funeral and all I could worry about the whole time was how far I was falling behind practice MBE questions. That is not a way to live life but as you can tell by this post it is what you sign up for when you start law school . . . sacrifice almost everything you care about for the law. Even when I wrote my grandfather’s eulogy the night before the funeral I worried about the time it was taking away from studying. Believe me this is not normal and I am not that type of person. I value my family and friends more than anything. I am an Irish Catholic raised on the premise, loyalty comes first. However, when you sign up for law school this is the mentality it demands to be successful . . . Fuck everyone but yourself.

Finally, all of this for what . . . To partake in what may be the worst profession in the universe, an attorney. What is even crazier is that Philadelphia’s market for attorneys is flooded and approximately 1 thousand new attorneys will be barred in the area, which creates an even larger cluster fuck. Jobs are scarce and the pay has been severely slashed for entry level associates. In Philadelphia, if you did not go to Penn or finish in the top 20% of your class while writing on law review this miserable experience was not what you envisioned. What really baffles me is that the abovementioned people have the social skills of a deaf mute and will eventually be deemed useless once they emerge from a back cave writing a brief and have to talk to a client about his case. I actually sat next to one of these freaks at the Jersey bar who told me he was upset that after graduating from Penn Law and his new firm, Dilworth Paxson, was cutting his salary. Fuck you.

Fortunately, I am lucky, I have a job, but that is only because I have been in the same office for 6 years, since I graduated undergrad, and the entity vowed to take care of me. It is not what I envisioned but I really cannot bitch as several of my friends are unemployed in a dead market. Trust me, it is not six figures at Dilworth Paxson and it is not what I want to do. At least if you get laid off from a job you can collect unemployment. However, if you just cannot get a job after becoming an attorney you are essentially fucked.

I know cry me a river, we all have problems. What I am saying is this, the last two months sucked, the last four years sucked, do not go to law school unless you plan on crushing it or you will also be fucked like so many others. Do not theorize that the market will bounce back while you are in school. It may, but there still will be a flooded market of attorneys, especially in Philadelphia. The money will not be there for a long time. If you are one of the people who intends on crushing it, ignore me because we would not get along anyway. In close, partaking in a legal career is not glamorous, it is stressful and ultimately annoying. Google billable hours and you can read more in depth on why that sucks. I know there has to be hundreds of blog posts on it.

I’m back bitches. . . .