Category: Women

By: Billy BeerSlugger

You know everyone goes through breakups in their life, some are more amicable than others.  Sometimes you end up getting back together with that person but more often than not you broke up for a reason.

You may have went through the stage in the breakup where you are either asking for or returning stuff that your former significant other had possession of; Clothes, furniture etc.  What often gets overlooked is the more raunchy of items you may have left behind, more specifically for the guy: Condoms.

There’s nothing really worse than leaving a fresh box of condoms at your ex’s place pre-breakup.  With everything that is going on between you two at the time it’s easy to forget about those little guys in the drawer of the nightstand next to her bed.  When you do get around to remembering about them there’s usually a standard response…. “FUCK”.

I gotta say I’ve been subjected to this situation a couple of times in my travels and it never puts a smile on your face knowing you just paid $18 for the family pack of prophylactics just to make it convenient for the rebound guy to bang your ex.

Plus it’s not like you can ask for those condoms back.  I mean you can but you’re probably not getting them back and if you do there’s definitely going to be less condoms in the box then you left there even if it’s just her fucking with your head.  The best move is to pretend they don’t exist and quietly be pissed off about it.

What’s worse is if you get back with the girl (even if only for a brief period) and end up going to bed with her, those rubbers, the ones you bought are gone or severely depleted.  The good news is that the last guy may have left a couple for you to return the favor.

These are some things to think about after you’ve just went through a breakup or are just starting to see this new girl who magically has condoms by her bedside. Someone buys the condoms and i’d say 98% of the time it’s not the girl.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

What is it about the shore that makes women get loose?  Is it the sea air, the salt water, the extended exposure to the sun?

There’s verifiable scientific evidence that girls get a little more rowdy, make out and spread their legs a little easier at the beach.

Does sand and sun give a girl the license to slut it up a little bit? To be fair, men seem to go through the same phenomenon but being that there is a terrible double standard that occurs when it comes to men and women being promiscuous, we’ll focus on the women, because they are ultimately the ones that have to agree to fornication.

Can some girls clue me into what’s going on here?  You know you’re not as apt to get crazy at a bar in Philly as you are in Sea Isle or Avalon or if you’re white trash, Wildwood.  Does being on a beach all day looking at scantily clad people peak your sex drive?  Does the beach hold mystical powers? Does the same lunar force that moves the ocean tide also make panties drop a little easier?

I’m convinced something is going on besides the level of inebriation.  Even the the “Mom” friend that usually won’t leave the bar without ALL her girls is more apt to allow a girlfriend to be kidnapped by a good enough looking man as well as get laid out on her back later on that night by a stranger.

Whatever it is… Thank You GOD!

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I did Center City Sipps yesterday. Went to Ladder 15, was never there before but it seemed like an OK crowd, lots of trim. Apparently there’s an upstaris bar as well which i checked out briefly. Overall I give the place a B-. I would have gone C+ but the bartender’s uniforms are quite lovely.

Anyway, over a couple of “Ladder Beers” or whatever was on special besides Bud Light I had a discussion with my friend about the art of making out in a bar. I had expeditiously downed about 5 beers before this conversation started and I was convinced I could find a sled dog to play tonsil hockey with. Though in my inebriation I had forgotten it was 6:15 PM and still light out for at least 2 hours. At this point my friend and I came to the conclusion that it is near impossible to make out with a girl that you don’t know during happy hour. I’m known for making out in bars and even I was not going to try this out. Of course this rule is completely thrown out the window if you are on vacation or at the shore. I’m lucky I didn’t re-acquire Mono after so many No Shower Happy Hour dance floor make out sessions in Sea Isle last year.

That being said, I eventually moseyed over to one of my favorite bars in the city, Oscar’s which was located on the same block of Samson street. While relieving myself in the bathroom I discovered this little nugget of wisdom, “No Matter How Hot She Is, Some Guy is Tired of Her Shit“. Some of the truer words i’ve ever seen scribbled on the wall of a bathroom stall.

You’ve been there, walking down the street and a gorgeous girl walks by or at a bar and see a girl being hounded for attention by a horde of horny men. She’s gorgeous, there’s no denying that, however, she’s also using these good looks as leverage against the man (men) in her life to get what she wants. So you walk by her and wish you could be with her while the guy she’s dating is going insane putting up with all the baggage that a really hot girl entails.

Kind of puts things into perspective.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

It’s 2:33am on Sunday morning and I thought I’d talk a little bit about status.  This isn’t the kind that is perceived or inferred, it’s the kind of status you give yourself.  What I’m talking about is the status on your Facebook, MySpace or whatever means you’re using for your social networking these days.  I didn’t include Twitter because I’m not sure there is a status associated with Tweets, but whatever and who’s counting.

The point is, if your girlfriend (or boyfriend) voluntarily changes their social network status after a verbal disagreement to anything besides “It’s complicated”, IT’S OVER. Don’t call her, don’t write her, don’t IM her, don’t text message her, don’t write her a song on the guitar, don’t email her mother, just don’t do anything. You will save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.

No self respecting person would announce to the digital world that she is now single without talking it over with you first, unless of course you beat her.  If you come across this situation please pick up your dignity off the floor, go home, put on a Coldplay album and cry and masturbate until you fall asleep.  I promise the sun will come up tomorrow and things will get progressively better.  Do commit yourself to the obvious truth though that, IT’S OVER.

With all the means of communication nowadays, it’s gotten a lot easier to break up with someone and not physically have to face them to do it.  As much bullshit as I’ve pulled in my life I never thought about breaking up with a girl over a social network or email or text message and I’ve done some pretty inexcusable shit.

That being said, if this happens to you, you gotta write it off as a loss.  If it had to end non-face to face then that should definitely tell you something about what kind of person you were dating.  And if you find yourself in the position of getting into an argument with your significant other, don’t play the status game either.  Leave your social network status alone until your figure out what the hell is going on.  Don’t make any hasty moves chief, because once the status is changed, it’s over.  You can’t take back a status change.

It’s funny to see actually.  A person triumphantly announcing to the world that they’re single again after a breakup.  This person will inevitably receive messages from friends and would be suitors ranging from, “Oh my god what happened?” to “I’m glad your single, can I take you out for a drink”.  Probably altering their profile to reflect the new period in life they are excitedly about to embark on.

Breakup’s are tough but when life gives you lemons you gotta make lemonade.  Just make sure to pour a whole lot of vodka in that lemonade.

Note: I fell asleep writing this on the kitchen table after a bar trip, sorry for the lack of congruence in times.