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Jon Stewart: The Most Objective Person in News?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Earlier I wrote about how much I dislike Kieth Olberman on MSNBC and how much, while on opposite ends of the political spectrum, Fox News and MSNBC are essentially the same network.  They both cater to their Liberal or Conservative base, each bashing the other network and or opposing political figures several times a day never really extensively covering their own party’s shortcomings.

I think Jon Stewart is growing on me a little, I didn’t completely enjoy him essentially blaming Philadelphian Jim Cramer for people losing money in the stock market but he did make some valid points.  His “Fake News” program The Daily Show has been on for about 10 years and while I’ve never really gotten into watching it regularly on TV, I do watch clips from his shows on the internet.  Jon leans slightly to the left but overall I think he’s got a pretty objective view on things.  While the goal is to deliver the news with humor, it’s usually well thought out and logical.  As a man, I like when things are logical, when they make sense.

Anyway, here’s a clip of Stewart not only bashing Fox News but MSNBC as well as CNN.

So true though, Fox News is going to bash Obama anytime they can get in a jab, with Bush Jr. out of office, MSNBC has turned to hurling spitballs at Rush Limbaugh and CNN is so obsessed with whats going on Twitter, Facebook and MySpace that I’m not sure if they have anyone writing scripts anymore. CNN just asks you what you think.

What the Hell happened to CNN, they used to be “The News”.  All I can think about CNN now is that they had Will-I-Am live via Hologram on the night of the Presidential Election.  Apparently that was the first Hologram used on live TV and they chose Will-I-Am of the Black Eyed Peas to be the guy to talk to?  No offense to Will-I-Am but you couldn’t have gotten someone better CNN.

sidenote: I just saw a Target commercial with the Black Eyed Peas.  What was thery’re biggest sell out move? Adding Fergie, Changing the Lyrics from “Let’s get retarded” to “Let’s get it started” or the target commercial.  Does any of this even matter?

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Brett Favre: As The World Turns

Bob McFlurry with Sports:

You know, I like Brett Favre.  I’ve never met the guy before but from what the media has me to believe, he’s a pretty good guy and a helluva Quarterback.  I’m a Philly guy but I’ve always rooted for the Packers, I love snow games.

Anyway, everyone makes a big deal about whether Favre is or is not going to play again, year after year since about the 2003 season.  Well guess what, the guy either is or is not going to play this season.  It’s Baseball season and Ed Werder, Chris Mortensen and such want to make a splash on the latest development with Favre’s current bid to become unretired.

That’s great, I guess someone has to report on it and it might as well be those guys.  However, there’s just some things that do not add up to me.  It was reported that former Eagles O-Coordinator and current Vikings head coach Brad Childress gave Favre a deadline of sometime this week for Favre to commit to the Vikings.

I mean the latest ESPN headline has us to believe that Brad Childress is suspending his pursuit of Favre because he mandated Favre show up to Organized Team Activity’s and or Favre didn’t commit to the Vikings by XYZ date.  What doesn’t make sense, at least in my eyes, is why you give a guy a timetable to figure out whether he wants to play again when he just got surgery on his shoulder to figure out whether he can play again.  It’s like asking someone who just had a heart attack whether or not they want to go back to work the next day.  Yea they may have the desire but are they able-bodied enough to do it?  Yes you want the guy to be there during OTA’s, during training camp but then again it’s Brett Favre.  You have to know what you are getting into when you’re asking him to be your date to the prom.  A lot of maybe’s, some probably’s, some I don’t know yet’s, some I want to’s and then maybe God willing an i’ll be there.

It’s an overblown story every year and it seems in recent times that ESPN has reported and gotten wrong lately.  This guy refuting this and that guy refuting that, not that ESPN doesn’t ever come out the victor in a war of he said he said but it seems to me that they’re over sensationalizing this whole Favre deal.  Is he going to come back, is he not going to come back?   Favre is going to meet with the Vikings, he’s staying retired, he’s got surgery to repair the biceps shoulder injury, Favre and Family make hotel reservations to meet with Vikings, Vikings give him a time line, Vikings give up on the time line at least for the time being.  You’ve got one analyst saying he’s definitely coming back and another saying he’s definitely staying retired. At least they have all the bases covered.

I choose to believe that the Vikings will take Brett Favre up on him being their QB any time before opening day.  And my gut says Favre will be the Vikings Quarterback but of course my gut also said Favre would be back in a Packer uniform if he chose to come out of retirement last year.  Either way, Favre either will or will not be back in the NFL for 2009, it seems that if he will be back it will be for the Vikings.

Here’s a note to you ESPN, any time Brett Favre takes a dump or goes into the gas station to get a soda or  calls someone on a cell phone does not mean it’s “BREAKING NEWS“.  Breaking News is if Favre signs a contract, Breaking News is if Favre is throwing a football at a Vikings facility.  Breaking News is not Brett Favre, “…has not yet ruled out a return.”.  It’s not even a “Development“, it is what it is, a bunch of bullshit to keep you glued to the screen between commercial breaks.

Good for Brett Favre if he comes back, good for Brett Favre if he stays retired.  You’re going to hear about it either way, just turn off ESPN if they start talking about it.

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From the Obvious Department

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I’m doing my morning reading and came across two completely and utterly obvious articles on The Huffington Post.

1) Adam Lambert is GAY: Wow, you needed to read a Rolling Stone article to point this out to you.  I don’t watch the American Idol but I’m kinda sure I knew this dude was gay when I was flipping through the Channel’s one night. I’m not saying all dudes that wear eye makeup are homosexual, I’m just saying that you are at the very least Bi-Sexual or an Emo-rocker that was molested as a child.

I don’t know why these people don’t come out before and tell the American Idol audience they’re gay.  There’s got to be a couple million gay people that would vote for him just for being gay.  Of course then you have the 8 year old asking her Mom or Dad, “What’s Gay?”.  I guess I see why they wait until after the show.

2) Apparently Chef Gordon Ramsey is an Asshole: You have got to be fucking kidding me.  This guy, an asshole? I don’t think there’s been a nicer person out there since Mary Poppins.  I mean this guy is the epitome of a well mannered even keeled guy.

Seriously, again, did I need to even read a headline to find out something as obvious as Gordon Ramsey is a dick? SHOCKER! It’s common knowledge at this point.

In the article it says he called some woman a pig and a lesbian at a Wine Tasting in Australia.  Is this really that far off from what he does on his Cooking shows?

I’ve worked in restaurants and head chef’s can be a little rough on the kitchen and front of house staff but never have I seen an actual chef go off like this dude.  Berating people, making fun of their appearance etc. I still do not understand why his shows are on the air or why people watch them.   But that’s just me…

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Camera Men

hissen_camera_smBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I’m an avid watcher of shows on the Discovery Channel, The History Channel, National Geographic and other knowledge dropping shows.  I’m a fan of Animal Planet and other shows that put you in the middle of a Jungle or Desert and show you what happens when confronted with the dangerous creatures that inhabit them, as evidenced by a previous post on Austin Stevens Snake Master.

What a friend and I were discussing the other day while enjoying a few adult beverages was how little credit the camera man gets for their efforts.

You have these guys like Austin Stevens and Steve Irwin (previously), trotting across the globe and journeying into jungles etc. looking for the most dangerous animals on the planet and getting close enough to them to piss these animals off.  All the while you see the main guy on the TV but you never really take into account what’s going on with the camera man.  His life is in obvious danger too and he’s got a 50 plus pound Camera to account for as well.  From a Cobra spitting venom to a charging Komodo Dragon to wading in a river filled with Piranha to just plain being in an Ocean infested with sharks, these guys are a classic case of All Guts and No Glory.

I’m wondering if there’s some sort of award that goes out to these guys for risking their lives.  If there is, I’ve never heard of it and if it was recognized by a major awards show like The Oscars or The Emmy’s, it probably is given out earlier and not televised.

So here’s to you Crazy Camera Men, this Miller High Life can was schwilled in your honor.

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Ben Franklin Bridge Run

50centercity
View From The Bridge

By: Billy BeerSlugger

The Ben Franklin Bridge is 9,573 feet long which equates to about a 3.5 mile run up and back from Philly to Camden. If you’re like me right now and are scrambling to lose weight because summer already started, this is a great workout.

The Bridge walkway is open from 6am to 9pm so you can even get a run in after you get home from work.

There is an even mix of hills and declines with the middle span of the bridge being more or less of a straight away.  Along your journey you may encounter other people walking, running or cycling.  Please watch out for them if you are wearing headphones and are blasting music on high, you may just run into a biker.

The Ben Franklin Bridge was originally named the Delaware River Bridge but was later renamed for statesman and Philadelphian, Benjamin Franklin.

When the bridge opened in 1926 it was the deemed the World’s largest Suspension Bridge Span (533 meters) until that distinction was taken away in 1929 with the opening of the Ambassador Bridge.

Originally one lane of the bridge, in each direction, was fitted with Streetcar/Trolley tracks and the anchorages were outfitted as boarding stations.  These stations were never used though since the company owning the Camden Streetcar system ceased operations in 1932.  The streetcar rails were taken up and replaced with another lane for vehicles going in each direction.  Eventually rapid transit tracks were laid on outbound sides of the bridge completed in 1939.  The Bridge Line Subway connected Broadway and City Hall in Camden with 8th and Market in Philadelphia.  The Bridge Line expanded to 16th and Locust in 1952 and began carrying PATCO trains in 1969.

While using pedestrian means to cross the bridge is free, it now costs $4.00 to use the bridge coming from the Camden side into Philadelphia by car.

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Drunk Food: Volcano Hamburger Helper

By: Billy BeerSlugger

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It would be better if this picture wasn't fuzzy

I consider myself a sort of Renaissance man.  Not only can I make a crappy website, do drywall, install ceiling fans and other Man stuff, I can also Cook and do my own Laundry.

On a previous post I promised to give you the recipe for my Macaroni & Cheese, Ground Beef concoction.

So here’s what you need:

1) A box of Macaroni & Cheese. I use the White Cheddar kind.  You will also need the things necessary to make Macaroni & Cheese like Milk and Butter.

2) A pound of Ground Beef.

3) An Onion.

4) A Green Pepper.

5) An 8oz bag of Shredded Cheese of your choosing. I use a 3 cheese medley usually used in tacos.

6) Half a jar of Spaghetti Sauce (12oz).  Your choice but I like to use a Sweeter Sauce.

7) Hot Sauce.

This couldn’t be easier to make:

1) Slice up the Green Pepper and Onion

2) Combine Sliced Green Pepper and Onion with Ground Beef in a frying pan.

3) Cook the Macaroni & Cheese following the directions on the box.

4) Pre-Heat the oven to 400 degrees.

5) Combine Macaroni & Cheese with the Browned Ground Beef, Onions and Green Pepper in a baking dish.

6) Mix in the spaghetti sauce and hot sauce to taste.

7) Add the shredded cheese as desired. I use the whole bag because I eat to deal with my emotions.

8) Bake this bad bear for about 10 minutes.

It feeds 4 people for around $10.  Or if you’re me, you eat half of it and then cry the rest of the night.  It’s not exactly a food for people who are counting calories, but if you’re wasted it may be one of the best meals you’ve ever had.

Of course I do not recommend cooking while drunk.  You may fall asleep like F.X. Galvin and almost burn the house down.

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The Fathers of American Beer

By: Billy BeerSlugger

While two or so of our writers are putting the finishing touches on the final entries in to the Greatest Athlete of All Time Debate, I decided the next series I would focus on would be the Brewers that put American beer on the map.  Men like Adolphus Busch, Frederick Pabst, Frederick Miller, Adolph Coors, D.G. Yuengling and Joseph Schlitz to name a few.

Every week or so I’ll be profiling one of the Great Brewers from America’s infancy.

Next week also look forward to the new BeerSlugger Babe of the Month.

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Indian Pale Ale (IPA)

india-pale-aleBy: Luan Zuccarello

This scene is all too familiar – A group of Yuppies, Douchbags, rich kids, Villanova graduates, or group of upscale dorks that care more about their portfolio then beer – walk into a bar an order the local IPA. Now these guys are 1. Not big drinkers and 2. Trying to impress girls with a different kind of drink – kind of like “Hey I’m cool I drink expensive beer that you never heard of”. I will guarantee 3 things will happen.

  1. They will not like the beer
  2. They will get so sloppy drunk, annoying and they will pick a fight ultimately referencing their lawyer and a lawsuit.
  3. They have no idea what an IPA is

IPA or India Pale Ale is an ale that is light amber to copper in color, with hoppy, bitter and sometimes malty flavor. IPA’s generally have a higher alcohol by volume content and are popular as microbrews. In the 1700s, there was a lot of trade going on between Great Britian and India. The problem with shipping beer is that it needs to be cold or it will go flat and sour. The long journey from Great Britain to India would result in all of the beer being ruined before it got to its intended destination. Since refrigeration was not yet invented, brewers had only one alternative – hops. High amounts of hops lead to greater fermentation which increases the alcohol content of a beer. Higher alcohol fights off bacteria and leads to a longer shelf life. Thus the name India Pale Ale stuck due to its voyage from Great Britain to India.

Personally I find IPA’s delicious and consider them my favorite style of beer. I understand not everyone likes the intense hop flavor but they should be tried. Brewers get very creative with this style and it leads to some interesting and different flavors. Write in and tell us what your favorite IPA is.

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Lightning

lightning

By: Luan Zuccarello

I was down the shore last weekend and watched one hell of a storm over the ocean. The lightning strikes on the water looked like something out of a Michael Bay movie. OK, maybe I had a couple beers in me and I am over exaggerating a little – but it was still cool. So I started to try and think back to 7th grade science class and to what causes lightning. However I was too interested in little Molly’s short skirt then protons and electrons (although I did get an A on “her”anus). Thank God for Google.

Lightning is a discharge of atmospheric electricity which is triggered when differing charges meet in the cloud. Typically, the bottom of a cloud is negatively charged, and it sends out what is known as a “leader” which seeks a positive charge at the top of the cloud. When these two charges meet a bolt of lightning is born. After the lightning travels to the ground or another cloud, it may strike again several times within a fraction of a second. These re-strikes are so fast that people cannot register them with the naked eye; instead, they appear as a single strike. The air near a lightning strike is hotter than the surface of the sun! The rapid heating and cooling of the air near the lightning channel causes a shock wave that results in thunder.

Here is a fun fact if you catch yourself in a storm with a baby girl. Watch for a strike of lightning then count the seconds until you hear a clap of thunder. Take this number and divide by 5. This will leave you with the number of miles the storm is away. This can provide very useful if you find yourself with a Butterface (everything looks good but her face). Now you can calculate how much longer you have to stare at her before the lights go out. Much easier and better for the girl’s self esteem then the paper bag.


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Lesbians, What’s Up?

Watercolour painting by Achille Devéria
Watercolour painting by Achille Devéria

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So Luan Zuccarello and I were at McGillan’s last night to take advantage of .25 cent wings and $5 pitchers and to watch Antonio Bastardo, in his major league debut, mow down the San Diego Padres.  McGillan’s is one of my favorite bars and the oldest bar in the city of Philadelphia (a post dedicated to McGillans in the future).

So we’re sitting there watching the game after eating our wings, just Muggin’ and Sluggin’ (pouring beer from a pitcher into a mug and downing that beer as fast as possible), when a girl comes up and introduces herself.  She’s about 5’5”, a Philly Police Officer and after a brief introduction mentions she’s “Gay as Shit”.  You might have gathered that because she looked like she could be playing catcher on a girls softball team.

The real reason she came over was to try and get us to go talk to her friend a couple of tables away that she was sitting at.  Now we discussed this and it was somewhat amateur and akin to when Rudy Ruettiger (of movie Rudy fame) had to go out and try to pick up girls for his friend D-Bob, but amusing nonetheless.

There really wasn’t any way we were going to get up and chat with the girl two tables away but I did have a great conversation with the Lesbian.

I asked:

“If you were tied down in a bed and blindfolded, I was completely clean shaven and I went down and ate you out,

1) Would you know it was a man?

2) Would I get you off, considering my skills in the art of Cunnilingus?”

“Great Question”, she replied.  Really didn’t offer up an answer but from the pause she took to think about it I’m pretty sure she went home and had a dream about it last night.

This is something I have just added to my life goals, right under being picked from the studio audience  to compete on the Price is Right, bang a semi-attractive lesbian.

She did come back with the question, “If you were blindfolded and bound and a guy was blowing you would you know it?”  I told her a blow job is a blow job and as long as the guy didn’t act like a faggot about it, it was all the same (please read the sarcasm here).  The lesbian is now laughing her ass off.

This is my standard question to any lesbian I meet in a bar and is a great ice-breaker.  Please share any other lesbian stories or pickup lines you may have.