The Sham Wow dude

shamwowBy: Billy Beerslugger

So I’m pretty sure you’ve seen the commercials for the Sham Wow.  It seems to be a pretty amazing product.  It holds a whole bunch of liquid, supposedly doesn’t drip and is generally way better than paper towels.

Well, late last month The Sham Wow spokesperson was arrested on a felony battery charge in South Beach during an altercation with an alleged hooker in his hotel room.  Vince Shlomi told police he had paid the hooker $1,000 for straight sex after she propositioned him.

Allegedly when Vince kissed the prostitute, she bit his tongue and would not let go.  At this time  Shlomi began punching the hooker who eventually released the tongue.  The hooker apparently received facial fractures and lacerations.

Man, how pissed are the people at ShamWow about this?  Your spokesperson gets arrested for not only getting a prostitute but also beating the shit out of her.  And what about him kissing the prostitute?  I’m no hooker aficionado but I’m thinking it’s a big no-no to mouth kiss a person in the sex trade.  She probably just had some other dudes dick in her mouth.

Further, for the amount of money ($1,000), he spent on the hooker, I’m thinking he could have easily at least got some decent tail at a South Beach bar.    I don’t care how ugly the guy is, he’s the ShamWow dude, he’s got money, get bottle service somewhere, invite some pretty girls over and keep the drinks flowing and some chick would bang the guy. If nothing for just to tell your friends the story about, “I banged the ShamWow dude”.  He must be just plain lazy.

I’ve got some stories about South Beach, but that’s for a later time.

Jim Cramer backlash… Main St. Vs. Wall St.

cramer125By: Billy Beerslugger

First of all Jim Cramer is a born and bred Philadelphian.  This guys first job was selling ice cream at the Vet during Phillies Games.  He’s taken a lot of heat lately from people like Jon Stewart and others and has essentially become the face of Wall Street’s economic meltdown.  I realize he’s pretty heavily touted on CNBC.  “In Cramer We Trust” is what they say over there.  I recently saw a video on the Huffington Post and some dude was touting some other dude’s way of investing and saying we need, “less of In Cramer we trust”.  To a certain extent, he deserves some blame.  Apparently he was wrong about the collapse of certain companies before the recession started and told people to buy instead of sell, though in other instances he told people to sell resulting in a good call.

To be fair, there is some debate as to whether Cramer’s stock picks even beat the market over the last two years.  However, from what I understand he has made himself and others a shit ton of money over the last 4 or so years with his Mad Money show.

So I have news for you,  he’s not going to get every call right.  While he’s reporting on the state of Economic America and picking stocks I don’t think for one second he did anything malicious to try and kill people’s 401k’s overnight.  I just can’t see that happening even though he may have some inside tricks for driving up stock prices etc from when he was a Hedge fund manager.

So why is he singled out and not everyone who reports on Economics of America?  Why is he the scapegoat?  Because he says things like “Booya” and punches sound effects while commentating? I don’t know.  One thing I do know is that no one is infallible.  No one is perfect.  There’s no hero’s out there.  There’s “here’s what I think” and you can either choose to take my advice or not.  He’s not holding a gun to your head and making you buy stocks.

Where’s the backlash for the thousands of brokers out there.  Where was all the phone calls telling people who had their faith for X amount of years to get out of AIG and all those other stocks before they tanked.  Why didn’t they see this coming?  Are they not professionals too?
If you are serious about the Stock Market why not take some time to learn about it and not just listen to guys like Cramer and your stock broker and make some choices for yourself.  Or use these stock pundits recommendations as a basis for stocks you should consider doing research on for possible purchase.

I’m not going to pretend I’m some big time Stock Guy.  I’m not and I wouldn’t take my advice.  Most of my vast fortune lies in a collection of Authentic Bob Ross oil paintings and the VHS tapes of him making them from PBS.  My art dealer has told me these are going to appreciate like gangbusters so I decided in 2004 that I would take all my money out of Teldar Paper and Blue Star Airlines and invest in these classics from the man that made painting fun.  That’s my retirement fund. And as long as Bob Ross resides in the hearts and minds of America my retirement fund is recession proof.

Eagles Pre-Draft Update and Jason Peter’s Signing

By: Billy Beerslugger

So most if not all of Eagles fans were disappointed with the lack of signing big ticket free agents or trades this offseason.  We just traded for one of the best left-tackles in football and all I hear on 610 WIP is, “We could have used that pick to trade for Braylon or Anquan Boldin”.  I’m hip to that, I want a top flight receiver in Philadelphia like I want Charlize Theron to make me a Turkey Sandwich while completely naked. I think Donovan McNabb is saying the same thing.

What the Eagles have done this offseason is nothing write off though.  They lost their two 10 year plus with the Eagles tackles and they just reloaded with Stacey Andrews and Jason Peters.  All indications to me, that’s an upgrade all around at the tackle position.  The lay person has no idea how important it is to have a good offesive and defensive line.  Then, an afterthought in the Birds free agent signings, Leonard Weaver is the first true fullback we’ve had in Philadelphia since Jon Ritchie.  Is that going to upgrade the running game.  Simply put, YES!

We’ve got the 21st pick in the first round of the draft.  Look for the Birds to select a running back to complement/replace a 30 year old Brian Westbrook.  As I’ve said before I’m McLovin Knowshown Moreno.  Do not think that the Eagles are going to trade that first rounder for Anquan or Braylon, it’s not happening.  Though the Eagles do have a 2nd round pick and other draft pick ammunition that could lure Tony Gonzalez or Chad Ocho Cinqo to Philadelphia.  You can consider Reggie Brown part of that ammunition as well.

If the Eagles come out of this offseason with two tackles, a capable running back with an upside (not Ryan Moats or Tony Hunt), a true fullback and either Ocho Stinko or Tony Gonzalez it’s an A+ offseason.  Right now I think they’re sitting in the B- range depending on what transpires in the draft.   All is not lost, there’s definitely a light at the end of the tunnell in what looks like an open race for NFC supremacy.

And for a little prognostication from the Beerslugger himself, Matthew Stafford will have a career similar to that of Jay Cutler.  They both have talent but need to be in the right system and surrounded by a good amount of playmakers to win.  Mark Sanchez I believe will be another in a long line of USC QB’s taken in the first round that will be considered a bust.  I don’t think Mark Sanchez has the skills to make it in the NFL just like I questioned whether Matt Leinert would be able to flourish.  Considering they both wore the same knee brace in college I’m going to guess Mark Sanchez makes more headlines about getting hurt then he does with his play.  But I’ve been wrong before, like when I was Pro Communism and Racism.

Matt Stairs: What’s up dude?

matt-stairs-721917By F.X. Galvin

In this age in society mostly every sexual orientation is socially accepted. Everything is cool from heterosexual to homosexual to bi-sexual to transsexual, so on and so forth. One thing that still has a major taboo effect is homosexual male professional athletes. It is something that is ignored and never brought up. This practice has operated as a don’t ask, don’t tell policy since being gay was gay. Hell, look what happened in the ESPN series “Playmakers,” when the star receiver came out of the closet after making the Pro Bowl… They blackballed the poor guy and sent him fudge packing or maybe just packing, I’m not sure how it worked out. Since many pro athletes are still in hiding, it is our job here at to investigate the situation.

For me, Matt Stairs raises some eyebrows. Matt Stairs is the Philadelphia Phillies left handed pinch hitter best known for his mammoth home run off Jonathan Broxton in game four of the NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers which put the Phillies ahead in the game and gave them complete control of the series. Stairs’ home run has solidified his placement within Philadelphia sports folklore. Ok let me cut to the chase, see Stairs comments after gave 4 of the NLCS:

“when you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys – there’s no better feeling than to have that done.”


Wow, talk about laying it out there. The guy practically confessed to being a homosexual “ballplayer.” He admitted to playing for the other team. Is that why he strikes out so much? Alright all jokes aside, Stairs sexuality should be considered. Stairs is Canadian and is a cultural weirdo but he has been a professional baseball player in the United States since 1992. He’s had sixteen years to adapt to American society and should know that by saying “… getting hammered in the ass by guys – there’s no better feeling than to have that done” is a blatant sexual innuendo. The only conclusion is that Stairs is a closet homosexual begging to come out.

Let’s look at the Stairs profile, alpha male right. Stairs is a lumbering individual about 35 pounds overweight, always has a scruffy beard, and has an extremely deep voice. Stairs looks more like your little league coach than a Madonna groupie. He looks like one of your Dad’s drinking buddies, not Richard Simmons’ workout buddy. He definitely does not scream gay.

Let’s look a little further. Doesn’t Stairs look very similar to the gay pimp known as “Bear” in “American Wedding” that takes on Stifler in a dance contest in a gay bar. After some research the gay pimp’s name is Eric Allan Kramer. Stairs and Kramer may be long lost gay lovers or maybe current lovers, I’m not ruling it out. After Stairs openly professed to being a bottom after game 4, Kramer could feasibly be seen as a top. It is easy to picture Stairs hitting a two run “money shot”, Kramer cheering him on, followed by them jamming out to Avril Lavingne, culminating with Stairs getting his “ass hammered by guys,” or just “Bear.” The beerslugger faithful deserves the truth, Matt Stairs please respond. Just throwing it out there.

Molson XXX

Possibly All the Alcholol you need for one night.
Possibly All the Booze you need for one night.

By: Billy Beerslugger

I’d like to tell you a little something about Molson XXX.  It’s 7.3% alcohol by volume.  To give you a frame of reference Coors Light and Miller Lite are around 4.2% abv.  So effectively you are drinking about 87% more alcohol per beer with XXX than your average American light beer.

Needless to say drinking Molson XXX gets you wasted.  I’ve had several run ins with Molson XXX in my day.  While on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls for Spring Break in 2003, two of my fraternity brothers and I decided to acquire a case of Molson XXX for the pre-game festivities.  Now with that high of an alcohol concentration in a beer it’s not the greatest tasting beer in the world.  In fact I think if you were in a really rough spot and didn’t feel like going to Home Depot, you could use it to peel wallpaper.  So my buddies and I downed this case in about an hour and a half and went out in the snowy wonderland in search of women.

Settling in a bar on Fun Street (actual name of the street), we decided to take some shots and order a couple rounds of beer.  We figured we might as well stick with the XXX since it was approximately the same price as the other bottled beers at the bar.  More alcohol, same price it’s simple economics.

Anyway, after some drunken dirty dancing I had procured a young spring breaker from Penn State who asked me to walk her back to her hotel room (wink wink).  She just so happened to be drinking Molson XXX as well.  Great, I’m thinking, Canada is awesome ay!  So we get back to her hotel room and there’s some making out, some heavy petting.  We’re laying in the bed and she’s on top of me (clothes on).  She falls asleep right on top of me.  So I have this Penn State dance team chick straddling me and she’s snoring.  Not ever being in this position before I’m laying there for a minute or two while both the Angel and Devil come out and sit on opposite shoulders telling me what they think I should do.

Luckily (or unluckily) her roommate enters the room, reads whats happening and says, “You have to leave”.  There”s no telling what would have happened had the roommate not walked in but I’m guessing if I had been unsuccessful in waking her up I would have left.  There’s way too much Catholic guilt to sort through from fondling an unconscious girl you don’t really know, plus the potential of legal action.  Your girlfriend on the other hand is completely game on for this scenario.

So the next day my friends and I decided to be consistent and once again started the night off with case of XXX.  This night we decided to partake in some of the areas finer gentleman’s clubs, eventually staggering into a place called the Sundowner.  I’d have to say this was one of the best adult entertainment venues I have ever been to but that’s not the real point of me telling you this.

Sometime around, well I don’t really remember what time it was because I was wasted, but there was a group of completely jacked new york dudes on a party bus that rolled in.  By the looks of things they were on a bachelor party, pretty standard stuff until the bachelor decided to verbally assault one of the dancers.  The bouncer asked the guy to leave but he insisted on staying.  This guy was presumably on steroids and when things began to get physical he easily overpowered the one bouncer.  Two other bouncers realized what was going on and helped to get the guy to the vestibule area of the club.

At this point one of the dancers was accidentally struck in the head and laying unconscious on the floor.  I had two strippers holding on to me for protection (like I could have done anything) and now the coked/roided up New York dude is in the hallway with his shirt off, bleeding from his head from a baton hit and smashing mirrors.  Meanwhile his cavalry arrived from the party bus and an all out brawl took place with the bouncers getting the brunt of the beatings.  I mean this shit was right out of the movie Road House, there’s chairs being broken over peoples backs, shattered glass everywhere and for a brief period of time the New York guys were winning.  That is until this biker dude showed up (must have been on call or something) and just started rocking dudes with one of those telescoping metal nightsticks.

The cops showed up and you got this roided up coked up New York dude bleeding all over the place, in handcuffs, crying and saying he didn’t do anything wrong.  Hilarious!

I tried to look up some press clippings on this fight but found nothing on the internet.  We did go back there the following year and you had to get your ID Xeroxed to get in.  Presumably because of the fight the previous year.

Harry Kalas – Philadelphia Legend

By: Luan Zuccarello

….simply Harry

At 1:20pm on April 13th 2009 the one thing that has been constant in my life changed forever. It didn’t matter if I had a bad day, the one thing I could count on was Harry at game-time. For 162 days/nights over the course of my 27 years Harry has laughed with me and cried with me. He drank beers with me and shared a hot dog. He was there when my Dad would wake me up to catch the last inning of a ball game. He kept my grandfather and me company on hot summer days listening to the radio. He went to college with me, and got introduced to a whole new group of friends. He was there when I was in high school and would make out with my girlfriend in the basement while listening to the Phillies blow another one. In July, he would come down the shore with me and return in August. He was there through deaths, weddings, and new life. That’s what makes this man so special, and this time so hard. He was the soundtrack of our lives.

Harry was one of your buddies. He was one of the guys that sat around late drinking beers and busting balls. He was the epitome of “cool”. The man didn’t even need a last name – simply Harry. Young people, old people, and even girls knew him and loved him. He understood Philadelphia fans better than any outsider has or ever will. We opened up our hearts and lives and made him a Philadelphian, and in return Harry provided us with memory after memory.

Harry’s last memory might not be a happy one but he died the way I think all of us would want to go – doing the thing he loved most. So instead of feeling sorry and sad, lift your drink and toast our friend. Sing “High Hopes” until you lose your voice, tell stories about the time Mitchy-Poo won the game at 2am, imitate Mike Schmidt’s 500th home run, and most of all remember the times you shared with the man.

At 1:20pm on April 13th the one thing that has been constant in my life changed forever. It didn’t matter if I had a bad day, the one thing I could count on was Harry at game-time – simply Harry.

Why I Hate Sleeveless Turtlenecks?

By: F.X. Galvin

Seriously, girls are you hot or cold? That is the question. I figured with spring approaching I would write about this new style that seemed to spread last fall, the sleeveless turtleneck. Honestly this is the dumbest and ugliest style turtleneck yet. It is worse than the mock turtle, the nurtle, the roll over sweater turtle, as well as the traditional turtleneck.

First, this style is just illogical. The original point of turtlenecks was to keep you warm in cold winter months. Now that I think about it, the point of all the various styles of turtlenecks is to provide a warm and comfortable shirt or sweater. The sleeveless turtle does not provide the basic concept of a turtleneck, it can not be warm. It provides you with a mock turtleneck which is fine, but it fails to have sleeves. Now, you can’t possibly be warm. Basically, your neck will be warm but you will have goose bumps bulging out of your arm where your triceps should be. (come on let’s be honest girls you don’t have a triceps). Really, I will give $5 to any chick who wears one of these to buy sleeves to get you warm, they are terrible.

We now know the point of sleeveless turtlenecks is not to keep you warm so what is it? They are trendy, cool, fashionable, basically they are in. Yea right, these shirts are lame. When I see a girl rock one of these, all I see is a wife-beater with a mock turtle. I see my white trash neighbor breaking brick crushing a bud pounder five minutes after whipping his wife with a broomstick…. But his neck is covered. Let’s also be practical here, they do nothing to enhance your looks or catch the eye of the opposite sex in a positive way. But, let’s face it, the goal here is to look good because if the sleeveless turtle was built for straight comfortability, and you wanted to project the image of “fuck you I have a boyfriend,” you would wear a regular, form-fitting turtleneck. These shirts are plain out ugly and do nothing for you.

I will break it down clearer for you…. A turtleneck covers your neck. It also covers your upper torso and cleavage area. These are areas that can be flattering for a girl and should be exposed if you are trying to make a fashion statement or pick up a guy. The mock turtle, it only exposes your arms. Ask any guy, not one of them notices a girl and says she has nice arms. Nice smile…yes, nice eyes…. yes, nice legs… yes, nice tits and ass… of course. I guarantee you no guy will ever say that a girl has real sexy arms outside of some freak with a crazy fetish that also gets a kick out of golden shower. Even if you go to the gym, cut arms really are not that sexy. No guy wants their girl to have better guns than he does.

Now let’s talk about the problems that may arise from showing off the arms and covering the neck/cleavage area. If you are a gymrat, you may scare off the guy because you have better arms than him (see above). Worse, you may have irregularly big arms that will detract a guy every time. If you have gross, beefy arms, it will send a guy running for the hills faster than a Barry Bonds steroid laden homer leaving the ball park. Finally, you might have a nice rack and are hiding your best asset. Seriously, if you are dressing to impress, let those puppies breathe.

To conclude this fashion police rant, do not wear a sleeveless turtle. If you have a girlfriend who has a sleeveless turtle, do not tell her yourself not to wear one, direct her to this article and allow her to write me a scathing comment. (At least she will no longer look like Mr. T with a covered neck and without gold chains.) If you have a little sister who dresses scandalously, recommend the mock turtle, it may keep her pants on an extra two weeks. Seriously though, I do not know which Hollywood scussbucket started this trend but it needs to die immediately. Unless you are attempting to hide a massive hickey stemming from making out under fireworks July 4th weekend in Wildwood, NJ, bag the sleeveless turtle.

The “Rooney Rule” – Minority Coaches in The NFL

By: Billy Beerslugger

There has been pressure recently on professional sports teams, by their leagues and other organizations, to hire more minority coaches.  “The Rooney Rule” in the NFL focuses on the requirement of interviewing a minority candidate for any vacant head coaching position unless the position was already promised to an assistant head coach in their contract.

The “Rooney Rule” was one of the contributing factors to having African American head coaches in the NFL jump from 6% in 2005 to 22% in 2006.  The Detroit Lions were fined $200,000 in 2003 for not interviewing minority candidates for the team’s vacant head coaching job.  The Eagles current O-Coordinator, Marty Mornhinweg was fired and Steve Mariucci was hired without interviewing any other candidate (although the Lions dispute this).

I guess my problem with the “Rooney Rule” and how it is enforced is that it seems only African America candidates have to be interviewed. When the NFL uses the term “diversity” or “minority” does it really mean “black” or “African-American”?  It seems to me that if you were going to institute a form of affirmative action it should apply to all minorities and not just one.  I’d like to see how many Latino or Asian candidates were interviewed since the inception of the rule.  As far as I can tell the NFL has no Latino or Asian head coaches. And what about Women?  Women are a minority.  Why do they not get an equal share in the “Rooney Rule” (if you want to get technical).

The NFL players are comprised of 70% African American and nearly 30% white with a small percentage of Hispanic and negligible quantities of other races.  So in this scenario maybe it does make sense that you would consider hiring more African American coaches.  However, don’t call yourself being diverse when you only deal in black and white.

Dealing in sheer population, Latino’s (14.8%) out-number African Americans(13.4%) in the United States, and that’s not even dealing with bi-racial people, a large number of which happen to share Latino descent.  While Hispanic’s  do not make up a great deal of the NFL players they do make up a greater portion of the general population than African Americans.  Shouldn’t that count for something?

The Rooney Rule is now talked about being instituted into NCAA football and possibly other sports.  Did the NFL get this correct enough to warrant it being discussed in other leagues?  Will they move to include more types of minorities in the hiring process? Should this the Rooney Rule even exist?  I guess that’s for you to decide.  I know I wouldn’t be a big fan of being made to interview people (regardless of race/religion/sexual preference) that I didn’t consider a serious contender for the position.  I would just want the best person available.

The Cougar – The Dating Show That Breaks All the Rules.

By: Billy Beerslugger

So uh…. yea.  There’s a dating show where the object of affection is a cougar.  20 or so dudes are going to vie for some 1 on 1 time with a cougar.  That’s where we’re at people.  We have a dating show where a 40 year old woman is being chased around by 20 something guys,  looking for LOVE.  How many conversations is this going to spawn at the Cougar bar? “Did you see the last episode? Joey is totally hot”.  And how many lonely nights will these women sit on a couch watching the show, drinking a bottle of wine thinking, “I could do this.  I could be the cougar.”

Now I’m all for Cougar Hunting, it’s a god given right and something I personally do when there are either no good looking women my age or younger in the bar or I’ve already struck out with all those women.  However, it’s not exactly something you’re proud of.  You’re not trying to fall in love with a Cougar.  You don’t bring a cougar home to your Mom because well, she’s only about 5-10 years younger than your Mom and your Mom will slap the shit out of you.  It essentially goes against nature.

You have to be either insane or a complete fame whore to be on one of these dating shows like the bachelor/bachelorette, Rock of Love etc.  You really can’t take yourself seriously.  And if you watch these shows you’re a little bit different as well.

Yea, I get it, some of these shows are supposed to be funny, like Flava Flav of Love or Rock of Love where women just want to be on TV, but do you really want to watch people fake falling in love?  Not this guy I have way more important things to do like watch the Phillies pitching staff get rocked for 4 runs every first inning or write blogs about shows that I’m not going to watch.

I did watch one of these type shows back in the great year of our lord 2001.  It was called Temptation Island.  In this dating scenario, a bunch of couples were put on an island, separated and made to go on dates with single people of the opposite sex.  In the culmination of this series, the couples picked whether they still wanted to be with one another (usually after making out with two or three other people).  The concept was to break people up not get people together.

So this concept got me in 2001.  I may have been suckered into a couple of episodes of Joe Millionaire in 2003 but that’s my dating show repertoire.  I can’t sit there and watch the same recycled bullshit.  Someone gets voted off every week and everyone is interviewed Real World style to get their feelings on what just went on or whats about to happen, in between there may be some sort of physical challenge and or one on one dates, I get it.  Then the final 3 people meet each others family (which is really fucking weird to get your actual family involved in a fake courtship) and finally one person is chosen and the couple go on a happy vacation where they then breakup after they are no longer in the media cycle.

Enough already.  Why won’t reality TV just die?  I predicted in 2005 that it was on it’s last legs but this shit doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon.   There’s enough mindless losers in America to keep any crap running for two or more seasons provided you’re voting people off 1 week at a time.

I’d like to buy a vowel…

By: Billy Beerslugger

What’s up YouToobers, a couple of weekends ago was a 3 days booze fest complete with a fantasy baseball draft in a Jersey Shore beachfront house. There were at least 7 trashcans filled up with cans and bottles. Much Mac N’ Manco’s, some NBA JAM, Air Hockey and of course tournament style Wii Bowling and Tennis sprinkled amongst the all day drinking and NCAA Basketball games.

On Saturday, things took a decidedly interesting turn. All week in preparation of this draft weekend the “party planner” was asked to procure some adult entertainment. Basically we just wanted a girl to stand there topless and write draft picks up on the board much like Vanna White does the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

You would think this would be an easy task to get a adult entertainer to do. No dancing, no whorishness just stand there and look pretty. The “agency’s” though were asking their full rate, no discount. And it was pondered, “Why are we not getting a discount if all they are doing is just standing there?”. In these tough economic times even the stripper budget is cut back so we tried the unconventional route of calling some numbers on Craigslist “Erotic Services“, which is a nice way of saying hooker. Even these ladies were charging their full hourly rate to stand up there.

At this point my friend and I were in discussions about why a woman who was having sex for money would not discount her hourly rate to model instead of have sex. My friend noted that it was a weekend and prime rates would apply since if we were not going to pay it, someone else would.

He broke it down to me like this:

“If you were a male prostitute, would you rather have sex with one girl for an hour or discount your rate and hang around 10 girls balls naked for an hour without having to have sex?”. To which I replied, “it depends on what the girl I’m supposed to have sex with looks like.”. However, I do understand that as a female prostitute you are trying to maximize money so you would probably take the having sex for $200 over the modeling for $175. I get that, I really do.

We decided not to call anymore prostitutes, explaining what exactly we wanted to happen and them understanding we were not calling for sex became mentally exhausting.

We did learn a good lesson though:

If a prostitute is “In Call“, it means you must go to their location.

If a prostitute is “Out Call“, it means they will come to you.

If a prostitute is, “In / Out Call” it means they will either come to you or you can come to them.

I learned this after a prostitute had stated to me that, “I only do In Call, I don’t do Out Call”. Thinking these were some sort of sexual position I replied, “No, I don’t want sex I just want you to put some names up on a draft board topless”. She then explained the aforementioned In / Out Call scenario. (You never know when you may need to know information like this even if just for conversation.)

But I digress, back to the story. We ordered your regular garden variety, bachelor party strippers at full price. After some non-believers doubted the party planner, the two girls showed up. Hilarity ensued as one of our friends was beaten (by request) with his own belt. The girls also wrote some pretty snide remarks on his ass with magic markers. All this while another friend was making it “Flurry“.

Flurry, if the term has not been coined yet, is a form or precipitating dollar bills on to a stripper. While making it flurry, dollar bills come down softer and more deliberate than when someone “makes it rain“. Making it Flurry is more about great placement of the bill as it falls as opposed to having a bunch of bills fall at the same time randomly. Generally making it flurry is cheaper than making it rain.

My one friend wakes up the next day and takes a dump forgetting that he had markers still on his ass (and actually not even remembering these events transpire). This ass editorial (which included homophobic remarks) was transposed on to portions of the toilet seat. Much like a printing press marks newspaper, my friend’s left ass hieroglyphics on a toilet seat.

The best part was he denied taking the dump until we asked him to show us his ass. Afterward the prosecution rested.