By: F. Galvin
How do you choose between a Cougar, Tiger, or Cub. This could be a difficult scenario but I will go through each grouping in detail to make you better understand the proper grouping of bitches for you. Many things go into this like attitude, neediness, maturity and looks. I will do my best to give a fair and accurate representation of each category.
First we delve into everyone’s favorite group the cougar.
“Its not the natives we fear it’s the Koogah….Koogah, your body is banging, but your face looks old, Koogah, whip out your titty its time for me to feed, lift up your skirt and let your wizard sleeve breathe.”
Cougars are an interesting breed. They are old chicks who want to bang young dudes. Women that have either gone through a divorce, been dumped through a long-term relationship, or even still married Mrs. Robinson style. Typically cougars are categorized at 40 and over but sorry ladies I categorize them at 35 and older. Really where else do women 35-39 fall. They are too old to be categorized as tigers, but they still are older and want to bang young dudes. For arguments sake, they are cougars.
A cougar’s makeup is obvious. She is dressed too fuck literally, all the time, no matter where she is at. Look for hooker boots, short skirts, boob shirts, and an old face hidden with a pound of Maybelline covering her crow eyes. The cougar tries to act hip, usually hanging out with a gaggle full of cougars or is hidden with a group of co-workers that are either off the market or are tigers. Also, don’t be surprised to see a cougar mixed in with a group of tigers, don’t fall for this trick she is still old. The cougar drinks high end drinks, typically some form of tops shelf martini or cosmopolitan. Now that you spotted your prey, (even though you might be the prey) what do you do?
To pick up a cougar is just like picking up girls at your high school when you were 15. Give them compliments, they are insecure and have been pushed around. They really are confused who they are as they are wearing clothes they haven’t worn for 20 years, hanging out with girls 10 years younger and really want attention. They are walking confident and talking confident but are ultimately alone. So give them compliments, don’t lead on that you know how old they are. Ultimately, act as if you are on an equal playing field with them.
Cougars also want to bang a good looking twenty something. Get your lazy ass to the gym or run. You don’t need to be in tip top shape, you just need to be clean cut, clean shaven, not being the annoying bar regular 6 months pregnant who is yelling how beautiful she is from across the bar.
Why is a cougar right for you? Cougars are great for one night stands. They have been out of the game for a long time, they are not sure how it works. Typically, the cougar sees you as a conquest as much as you see her. They usually will swallow the pill and brag to their girlfriends about how you could pump for five minutes without needing oxygen. They also can be good for casual dating. Most cougars are independent to a degree and are not clingy. They will give you space, they typically work or have kids or both so they won’t bother you. It is pretty safe to keep a cougar as a side piece.
What not to do? Get in a serious relationship with a cougar. Come on guys, who wants to be a kept man. Eventually the cougar will take control, the way Tom Cruise got owned in “Cocktail” and yes, you will be a bitch. Really, sex from a cougar is not worth being a bitch. Never.
The best part of sleeping with a cougar…the story…. Cougar stories are priceless, the lines you throw, at them and vice-versa, going back to their place to see picture of the kids (that’s if they are not home sleeping), finding a hidden butt dimple or a C-section scar. Really priceless.
You just got a cougar education. Stay tuned for Tigers Tomorrow.