The 5 Worst College Social Scenes in the Philadelphia area: #2

By: F.X. Galvin

Swarthmore College – Where the Freaks Come Out at Night

Sorry for the delay in writing this article. I had an insanely busy week and a half and just did not have the time. The free time I had last week, I got bombed. Sometimes, writing for beerslugger.com has to take a back seat to actually slugging beers.

Well anyway the #2 worst school to party at in the Philadelphia area is Swarthmore College. This place is an absolute freak show. In my introductory article, I made a point to rip on the French painter look that so many Drexel males sport. Swarthmore has a whole school of these wacks. Guys dress like they have not showered in six days, have ridiculous beards, and wear disgusting clothes. They want to show the world who they are, that they are the societal norm, and want to tell you all about it. Girls at Swarthmore are weird as shit, who, majority of the time, dress like hippies with massive khaki pants to match their greasy hair. My theory is that they are already ugly and by rocking this look they can give the excuse “they are who they are and this is how they like to look.” Ok whatever, there are hot hippies. . . remember Jenny from “Forrest Gump?”. . . Smoking hot.

Alright, I get it. It is another one of those trendy Liberal Arts colleges like Haverford that boast about how intellectually superior it is compared to the rest of the minions that reside in the United States. This campus reminds me of the movie “PCU,” minus the protests. A bunch of over-opinionated circus freaks who want to put their stamp on life while looking like a homeless person who sleeps under the overpass on 6th and Callowhill Streets.

Swarthmore College usually will make national headlines for some academic reason but it did make news in the late 1990s for an athletic story. The school lost a record, 28 straight football games. The Swarthmore Garnet Tide is actually ranked as the 6th worst football team in United States history by ESPN. In 1999, Swarthmore broke the three year streak against Oberlin College, who is ranked as the 5th worst college by ESPN. This game was dubbed “The game someone had to win.” Classic, what losers…Well anyway, after 122 years, Swarthmore’s football team was disbanded in 2000, the year after its historic win, as the school cited lowering admission standards to let in football players as the reason. Really, this school could use 50 or so football players to whip the French painters asses until they shaved their beards. Honestly, the football team of 50 or so people would only make up a little more than 3% of its student body of approximately 1,500. Every other school in America lowers it standards for athletes, (especially football players) why should Swarthmore act out? Because the school is above you or so it thinks. What a bunch of assholes. Also, the team sucked, how much lower was it dropping the admission standards? Something smells if you ask me. . . I think there is a conspiracy afoot.What does this have to do about Swarthmore’s social scene? Not that much really, I am just trying to make a point.  When a school disbands the catalyst to parties, a football team, it obviously is on a different planet.

Ok, to get to the partying. . . Well, its on-campus parties are lame unless you want to sip scotch whisky, smoke a bone, and read poetry of your favorite literary genre. It is pointless to name authors because every one of the opinionated freaks has his own favorite author and genre and will give you a hundred reasons why. I know I am not giving a fair shake to all the students at Swarthmore. I know some students with some sense of reality do attempt to throw small parties in their dorms and apartments. For those students I give them credit for making the best of a terrible situation. Find the few people you like, get wasted, and screw among the group. In the end, you will eventually leave the place with an excellent education and you can go on to a cool grad or professional school and live like a real college student.

What distinguishes this school from Haverford, Penn, Drexel, and the Universities of Arts and Sciences is the lack of off-campus places to hang out. Swarthmore itself is dry. Yes, you heard me, the whole town is dry. There is nowhere to go to drink or even buy a case of beer. Also, Swarthmore is located in Delaware County, not within 20 minutes of any real social hub. The Main Line, which has a nightlife I have already ripped, is more than 20 minutes away. Center City Philadelphia is about 30 minutes away. Conshohocken and King of Prussia are also about 25 minutes from Swarthmore. I guess the Swarthmore students could frequent the same establishments as Widener students but I just cannot see it. I cannot picture a Swarthmore hippie rocking Dewar’s on the rocks at a Mac Dade Boulevard bar in Delaware County jamming to top 40 music or classic rock. I cannot picture a French Painter grinding up his girl who is in desperate need of shampoo and makeup at Bootleggers, listening to “Lima Bean Riot” cover “Fall Out Boy.” Sorry, if I am wrong, by all means comment. (The Haverford girls did but failed to get the point. I will explain further in a follow up article.)

Really, you could argue that no one actually goes to Swarthmore to party, students go there to be a hippie intellect. Well, even though I gave Penn a pass for essentially the same reason, it is an Ivy League institution, is located in Philadelphia, and is a cab ride away to any hot spot in the city. Swarthmore is just a freak show with no outs. No on-campus parties, no off-campus bashes, and not a decent bar within twenty minutes. After reading this, you are probably wondering what school could be worse than this place.