How the Phillies Assaulted my Liver . . . Again

ATT00004By: F.X. Galvin

Is this Déjà vu? For the second year in the row the Philadelphia Phillies are in the World Series. For the second year in a row I am a complete alcoholic mess and am one game 7 away from checking myself into a Betty Ford clinic. I feel like I have entered “Groundhog’s Day.” I wake up thinking about the Phils previous game, as well as the looming game. I am hung over loathing myself and the fact that I have to suffer through work from 8:30 to 5:00. The only way I make it through work is listening to sports radio 610, which fulfills my Phillies fix. After work, if I do not immediately start drinking or need to get ready to go to the bar to watch another Phils beat down, I try to mix in the occasional run or meal. Over the last month, both of these daily regularities have progressively been thrown to the wayside. After, each series closing game I am not sure who needed more rest, an overworked Chase Utley or my liver.

This drunken voyage has begun during the NLDS and has turned into a sloppy, disgusting, obsessive mess. The key highlights of the NLDS have to be the following: Attending Game 1 of the NLDS watching Cliff Lee pitch his first gem of the post season against the Colorado Rockies. This game was indicative for the rest of the postseason. Cliff Lee beasted, I got wasted, blackedout, and called out of work the next day. Major League baseball needs to realize that it is not conducive to alcoholic Philadelphia fans to have 4:00 PM start times. Seriously, what are you trying to do to us?

Ultimately, the Phils got redemption from 2007 and closed out the Rockies in four games on a Sunday evening into a Monday morning. Eagles smoked the pathetic Bucs starting at 1:00, followed by the Phils beating the Rockies at approximately 2:00 am (Long Day). Thank you to the staff at Paddywacks for not kicking out hundreds of drunk Phanatics from the bar until the game was finished. Also, thank you Christopher Columbus for getting me the day off work on the following Monday. As the late, great Harry Kalas would have put it “Christopher Columbus, you are the Man!”

The next step for the Phils and my liver was the NLCS and a rematch with the pretentious Los Angeles Dodgers and their obnoxious, idiotic fan base. “Hi, I am an asshole Dodgers fan, let me get to the NLCS by the 4th inning and let me try to fight Phils fans. If that fails, maybe I can buddy up with the Bloods or the Crips in the second deck and jump a 12 year old for his iPod touch. If that fails I’ll make a quick exit in the 8th inning so I do not have to watch the Phillies embarrass the Dodgers in LA.” Losers.

To the highlight: Being at game 4 of the NLCS for me was the best in person experience I have ever had at a professional sporting event. For me, it was even better than the only NFC Championship victory of the decade by the Eagles over the Dogkiller, Michael Vick – led Falcons. That night again, I was blasted. I do not know if it was the vodka, liver killer mix my buddy made, the 12-15 bud lights I put down before and during the game, or the free shots of Jack that were being given away in at the Wine and Spirits but I was tanked. For what you ask? To watch Jimmy “Willie Mays Hayes” Rollins hit a walk off, two run double to put the foot on the throat of the Dodgers. (I’m sure you can figure out the nickname. He is the only leadoff hitter in baseball that tries to hit a home run every at bat. As Lou Brown says in “Major League,” “Runs like Mays hits like shit.”) Anyway this led to an all night drunk fest topped off with another call out. Thanks Phils, my employer is getting happier with me by the series.

Now, the Phils are approaching game 6 of the World Series against the New York Yankees. The New York Yankees and its fan base are even more pretentious assholes than the Dodgers. The Yankees are the most reveled and hated team in baseball. Yankees fans think they are entitled to greatness every season and anything less than a World Series championship is a disappointment. I coronate these douchebags as the most annoying and arrogant fans in sports. I digress. Again, this series has led to a drunken fiasco. More drunk nights at McGillan’s Ale House, more hangovers, but fortunately no call outs. Yippee, I have matured. I am tired and sick, yet hungry for another championship.

Bottom line, I have enough in me for three more celebrations, game 6, game 7 followed by another parade down Broad Street. My liver as well as every other die hard Philles fans in Tri-State area shares the same sentiment. I have three more drunken parties, two more wins, one Friday call out, a random Phillie led one night stand, and one parade left that my liver can not miss. These events are necessary in obtaining the ultimate championship in Philadelphia sports history. . . Winning the World Series against the New York Yankees. Go Phils! Please do not let my liver down.

By F.X. Galvin

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