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Wisdom From A Bathroom Wall

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I was drunk when I took this picture.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I did Center City Sipps yesterday. Went to Ladder 15, was never there before but it seemed like an OK crowd, lots of trim. Apparently there’s an upstaris bar as well which i checked out briefly. Overall I give the place a B-. I would have gone C+ but the bartender’s uniforms are quite lovely.

Anyway, over a couple of “Ladder Beers” or whatever was on special besides Bud Light I had a discussion with my friend about the art of making out in a bar. I had expeditiously downed about 5 beers before this conversation started and I was convinced I could find a sled dog to play tonsil hockey with. Though in my inebriation I had forgotten it was 6:15 PM and still light out for at least 2 hours. At this point my friend and I came to the conclusion that it is near impossible to make out with a girl that you don’t know during happy hour. I’m known for making out in bars and even I was not going to try this out. Of course this rule is completely thrown out the window if you are on vacation or at the shore. I’m lucky I didn’t re-acquire Mono after so many No Shower Happy Hour dance floor make out sessions in Sea Isle last year.

That being said, I eventually moseyed over to one of my favorite bars in the city, Oscar’s which was located on the same block of Samson street. While relieving myself in the bathroom I discovered this little nugget of wisdom, “No Matter How Hot She Is, Some Guy is Tired of Her Shit“. Some of the truer words i’ve ever seen scribbled on the wall of a bathroom stall.

You’ve been there, walking down the street and a gorgeous girl walks by or at a bar and see a girl being hounded for attention by a horde of horny men. She’s gorgeous, there’s no denying that, however, she’s also using these good looks as leverage against the man (men) in her life to get what she wants. So you walk by her and wish you could be with her while the guy she’s dating is going insane putting up with all the baggage that a really hot girl entails.

Kind of puts things into perspective.

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Black Eyed Peas Vs. Perez Hilton

By: Billy BeerSlugger

A story like this only comes around once in a while so I’m going to try and enjoy this.  In case you didn’t know I’m a  fan of neither the Black Eyed Peas or Perez Hilton, however, sometime this past weekend, will.i.am (sic), Fergalicious and the Black Eyed Peas manager allegedly got into a fight with Celebrity Blogger Perez Hilton.  This altercation left Hilton (whose real name is Mario Lavandeira) with some facial lacerations and probably a bruised ego.

Apparently this all stemmed from Perez Hilton calling Fergie “Fugly” and calling the Black Eyed Peas music crap.  Unfortunately, I have to agree with the gay man on this one, Fergie’s face is all messed up from all the Meth she used to do (although her body is great) and The Black Eyed Peas haven’t come out with a good song since “Let’s Get Retarded” which they promptly sold out and changed the lyrics to “Let’s get it started”.  That’s besides the point though.

The reason I’m extremely happy this transpired is because The Black Eyed Peas are like this mega pop group that is respected and loved by millions of fans and the press.  So much so that will.i.am (sic) was interviewed via hologram from the victory party for Barack Obama winning the Presidential Election.  Like CNN couldn’t have gotten a more influential black person to interview via hologram on this ground breaking night such as Martin Luther King’s widow or children, just a thought.  And Perez Hilton is pretty much the antithesis of what he pretends to stand for.  The man is basically famous for following around celebrities, taking pictures of these celebrities and drawing cartoon jizz or penis on them as well as outing celebrities who are not yet ready to come out of the closet.  If he’s such a champion of gay rights you would think that he would let these people of alternative lifestyles to announce their gayness on their own terms and not on his crap website.  I mean what if the guy / girl didn’t tell their parents yet.  They found out over the news or something.  Just bad taste if you ask me.

Anyway, something else I found funny was that Hilton called will.i.am (sic) a faggot during the altercation.  Isn’t that kind of like a black person calling a white person a n!gger in a fight?  I know the intention was to demean and attack will.i.am (sic) saying he has sex with men, but coming from a person who has sex with men, doesn’t it lose a little bit of it’s luster?

From the Wikipedia:

Name Calling:

Propagandists use the name-calling technique to incite fears and arouse prejudices with the intent that invoked fear based on fearmongering tactics will encourage those that read, see or hear propaganda to construct a negative opinion about a person, group, or set of beliefs or ideas that the propagandist would wish the recipients to denounce. The method is intended to provoke conclusions and actions about a matter apart from an impartial examinations of the facts of the matter. When employed, name-calling is thus a substitute for rational, fact-based arguments against an idea or belief, based upon its own merits.

So effectively Perez Hilton using a homophobic slur to paint a negative picture of will.i.am (sic) and the gay community and their set of beliefs is effectively the opposite of the gay rights he champions so much.

That being said I still have much disdain for both the Black Eyed Peas and Perez Hilton, they could both fall off a cliff and I wouldn’t watch their joint funeral on CNN.

So who wins this war of words and fisticuffs? You certainly don’t, it’s on your TV, on your radio and on your Internet including BeerSlugger.com.

Below is the video rebuttal to will.i.am’s (sic) video blog of the occurrences the night of the altercation.  I tell you, i can’t stand it when women cry.  If a girl cries, your mom, your sister, your aunt, your girlfriend who ever, no matter how obtuse the reasoning, it always gets me, i fell sorry for them a little.  But when a grown man cries (especially a girly man) I don’t know why but I find it utterly hilarious.  Fast forward to the end to see him sobbing.

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Kim Kardashian – How she became a star

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I don’t have any time to frame and of my newest article ideas eloquently right now so I figured I’d go with old faithful, CHICKS.

You probably know who Kim Kardashian is.  She’s got an awful TV show, she posed for Playboy and she modeled for something or other.  Probably has her own clothing line and fragrance like every other Reality Tv Star.  She’s got a big ass and is nominally hot. Needless to say I’d give her the high hard one but when is that saying much.

Anywhoodle, besides being the daughter of one of the jackoff lawyers that got O.J. off for murder, she’s famous for (what else) having a sex tape.  Apparently taking a lesson in upping your profile from such upstanding celebrities as Paris Hilton, Kardashian made the sex tape with then boyfriend R & B singer Brandy’s brother, Ray J.

Now at this point you may be saying, “Yea, I know she has a sextape”.  However, have you seen it?

Well I’m not going to embed the video right into the page since some 70% of the BeerSlugger faithfull log on from work, but you can click on this link and watch it at home if you want you naughty little monkey.  Of course I’ll label the video as (NSFW) Not Safe For Work so don’t complain to me if your boss calls you to his/her office and asks you why you’re on Pornhub.com at work.

Ps: You’re welcome.

Pss: I wonder how Reggie Bush feels about all of this.  At what point (as a girl) do you tell a guy you’re interested in dating seriously that there’s a SexTape of you on the internet?  I’m sure Reggie Bush already knew but the question still stands ladies.

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The Status

By: Billy BeerSlugger

It’s 2:33am on Sunday morning and I thought I’d talk a little bit about status.  This isn’t the kind that is perceived or inferred, it’s the kind of status you give yourself.  What I’m talking about is the status on your Facebook, MySpace or whatever means you’re using for your social networking these days.  I didn’t include Twitter because I’m not sure there is a status associated with Tweets, but whatever and who’s counting.

The point is, if your girlfriend (or boyfriend) voluntarily changes their social network status after a verbal disagreement to anything besides “It’s complicated”, IT’S OVER. Don’t call her, don’t write her, don’t IM her, don’t text message her, don’t write her a song on the guitar, don’t email her mother, just don’t do anything. You will save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.

No self respecting person would announce to the digital world that she is now single without talking it over with you first, unless of course you beat her.  If you come across this situation please pick up your dignity off the floor, go home, put on a Coldplay album and cry and masturbate until you fall asleep.  I promise the sun will come up tomorrow and things will get progressively better.  Do commit yourself to the obvious truth though that, IT’S OVER.

With all the means of communication nowadays, it’s gotten a lot easier to break up with someone and not physically have to face them to do it.  As much bullshit as I’ve pulled in my life I never thought about breaking up with a girl over a social network or email or text message and I’ve done some pretty inexcusable shit.

That being said, if this happens to you, you gotta write it off as a loss.  If it had to end non-face to face then that should definitely tell you something about what kind of person you were dating.  And if you find yourself in the position of getting into an argument with your significant other, don’t play the status game either.  Leave your social network status alone until your figure out what the hell is going on.  Don’t make any hasty moves chief, because once the status is changed, it’s over.  You can’t take back a status change.

It’s funny to see actually.  A person triumphantly announcing to the world that they’re single again after a breakup.  This person will inevitably receive messages from friends and would be suitors ranging from, “Oh my god what happened?” to “I’m glad your single, can I take you out for a drink”.  Probably altering their profile to reflect the new period in life they are excitedly about to embark on.

Breakup’s are tough but when life gives you lemons you gotta make lemonade.  Just make sure to pour a whole lot of vodka in that lemonade.

Note: I fell asleep writing this on the kitchen table after a bar trip, sorry for the lack of congruence in times.

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What could have been…

Bob McFlurry with Sports:

Outrageous Vertical Leaping
Outrageous Vertical Leaping

The year is 1985, there was not a more dominant high school basketball player in the country.  Scott Howard a 5 foot 4 inch 17 year old High School student averaged a quadruple double that year, a feat never before done at any level of Basketball.  High School  coach Bobby Finstock called “The Wolf”, “The best player he had ever seen. Period.”.  Though not without some controversy.

A still unknown genetic defect gives Scott the power of a Werewolf and he transferred those increases in strength, speed and endurance to the basketball court.  After leading the Beavers to a District Championship, Howard accepted a scholarship to play Basketball at Major University.

Howard played point guard for two seasons at Major U and led the nation in scoring, rebounds, assists , steals and blocks.  After his sophomore season Howard declared himself eligible of the draft.  Ultimately David Stern did not allow Howard to join the NBA ranks due to the Wolf persona and doubts about Genetic Engineering and possibly Howard’s steroid use.  Howard was in the process of appealing Sterns decision when Howard fell off the top of a van while going 30 miles an hour, a stunt known as “Van Surfing”, the Wolf was known to do on a routine basis.  Howard suffered both shattered ankles and legs while he and friend Rupert ‘Stiles’ Stilinski were arrested for DUI, public drunkenness and reckless endangerment.

The injuries effectively ended Scott Howard’s athletic career, even though he had super human healing abilities.

Could you imagine Scott Howard in the NBA?  He would have been drafted in 1986 (#1 overall presumably) and given the proper surrounding cast, probably would have given Michael Jordan a run for his money in terms of Championships.   A Wolf Man that can shoot, jump, rebound and block shots…. What could have been.

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Gotcha Snail Mail Spammers

By: picture-2-27-tmBilly BeerSlugger

If you’re like millions of Americans, you’re inundated with Junk Mail in your physical (not email) mailbox everyday.  Everything from Credit Card offers to donation solicitations.

Up until now there’s not really a lot you can do about it.  You could call the company up and tell them to take your name off the mailing list but you are already on a mailing list, whcih has probably been sold 200 times and assimilated into countless other databases.  You’re not going to call every companyyou get mail from and get your name taken off their (single) mailing list.

My mom usually writes “Return to Sender” on the mail and sticks it in the mailbox.  She receives an obscene amount of Donation Solicitation’s from Christian Charities after her name was sold about a billion times.  A couple times I actually saw the mail having a nickel in it.  Something in the mail said that for a nickel a day you can feed xyz children in third world countries.  My problem with that is why are they sending out nickels to people in bulk when they could use these nickels to feed kids?  If a charity has enough money to send nickels out in their mailers then they probably are doing pretty well, at least that’s how I look at it.

Anyway, I think I’ve taken things a step further.  Open up your junk mail and get the “No Postage Necessary” envelope.  Stick anything you want in these envelopes like other junk mail, newspaper clippings, dog hair, unused coupons, parking tickets, anything you want really.

How hilarious is it that you are now sending junk mail to the people who are sending you junk mail.  I often wonder if they are just as disappointed to see my junk mail as I am to see theirs.

Technically, from what I gather, you can tape the “No Postage Necessary” envelope to a box and pretty much mail them anything you want like a brick, rocks or fecal matter.  I have not tried this but for scholastic purposes only I just want you to know that this is an option.

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Fastest Way to Get Beer Cold

full-coolerBy: Billy BeerSlugger

It’s an age old question, “What’s the fastest way to get your beer cold?”. Everyone’s been there.  You buy a case of beer from the distributor and it wasn’t cold or you need to chill that case in the basement that you couldn’t fit into the fridge.

What do you do?

If I’m at home and do not have access to a cooler or mounds of ice, I’m putting a six pack in the freezer and as many beers as I can fit in the fridge.  After about 20-25 minutes the beers in the freezer will be cold and you take from the freezer and replacing from the fridge.  You will have to do this for a good hour before the remaining beers in the fridge have cooled sufficiently.  You will also have to watch out for beers in the freezer so that they don’t actually freeze and explode.

The best way, as explained by the show Mythbusters on The Discovery Channel:

In a cooler, combine salt, water and ice and just add beer for ice cold beer in about 5 minutes.  The salt melts the ice and lowers the freezing point to 27 degrees.  The water provides the surface area coverage to chill the beer optimally.

In contrast, using just ice and water to chill the beer would take about 15 minutes to get the 36 degrees achieved by the ice, salt, water mix in 5 minutes.

Of course you could use a fire extinguisher to cool the beer and it would be cold in about 3 minutes, but as I always say, “Safety First”.  You may need that fire extinguisher after you get drunk.  There’s nothing worse than accidentally starting a fire when you’re drunk and the fire extinguisher being empty from you chilling the beer with it.

So using conventional means, filling your cooler with salt, water and ice is the optimal way to cool your beer the fastest.

If you didn’t already know this, Now you know…. And Knowing is Half the Battle.

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Joe Buck vs. Artie Lange

By: Billy BeerSlugger

This is just completely hilarious.  In the opening segment of Joe Buck’s first show on his new HBO series, Howard Stern radio personality Artie Lange completely rips into Joe Buck, Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys.  If you are a Philadelphian, you have to dislike Joe Buck.  He is clearly sided against both the Phillies and Eagles.  The proof being that I like former Dallas Quarterback Troy Aikman better than I like Buck on their Fox Broadcast and I hated Troy Aikman when he was playing.

If Buck’s series somehow takes off this first episode would be a hilarious start.  Artie Lange completely takes over control of the show, proclaiming himself a Homophobe, ribbing Joe Buck that he is gay, telling Michael Irvin he lost Artie a lot of money, telling a long sinded story about Joe Buck’s father.  Swearing like a construction worker the whole time and even almost lighting up a cigarette after Buck asks him not to.

Artie is a NY Giants fan and kept saying “Fuck Dallas”. I’ll take it.  Screw Joe Buck, I’m glad Artie Lange screwed up his debut.

Artie is also a recovering Substance Abuse addict. One can only hope this was just a pre-concocted scheme to ruin Joe Buck’s first show and not a drunken/drug induced blow up.  Either way it’s one of ther more hilarious things I’ve seen in a while.

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Manscaping

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So for a while now you’ve probably heard about women shaving their girlie regions and getting Brazilian Waxes.  By my estimation it really caught on in the late 90’s and early 2000’s.  Shows like Sex and the City introduced many women young and cougar to these concepts.

The male version of getting rid of pubic hair has been given the term “Manscaping”.  Though Manscaping can also refer to the grooming of hair on the chest and back as well.

While many women and men use a razor to get rid of pubes, I choose to use my beard trimmer.  I find no reason to go near my gigglebits with sharp objects like razors.  The beard trimmer gets as close as I deem necessary without fear of cutting myself.

Manscaping, it has been reasoned, gives the illusion of a larger package as well.  Like the insanely innapropriate Gillete commercial below, “Trimming the underbrush makes the tree look bigger”.

One guy who probably wished he did some manscaping was a friend of mine during his Bachelor Party weekend.  We had him whipped on stage at a Gentlemans Club in Montreal and the strippers proceeded to strip him of all his clothing (and dignity).  So there he is on stage, naked and the strippers are abusing his ass with whips, meanwhile the man was hiding a forest beneath his underwear.  A flaccid member usually isnt known for impressing people but a flaccid member hidden by 3 inches of pubes just makes you look like your hung like a hamster.  And spare me the gay phobic statements, if your friend is naked on stage with strippers beating him unmercifully, you are going watch, it was a train wreck and completely hilarious.

So how do you guys do your manscaping, Razor, Beard-Trimmer?  Do you get waxed by a 40+ year old Russian Woman?

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Going Green: Plastic Water Bottles Vs. Filtered Tap Water

Not Bio-Degradable
Not Bio-Degradable

By: Billy BeerSlugger

There’s not really any doubt that we as Amricans produce a lot of trash.  According to the EPA we produce about 4.4 lbs a day or about 1,600 lbs per year.  Every year we as Americas throw out 2 million tons of polyethylene bottles used for such drinks as Dasani and Aquafina bottled water.  These bottles require 18 million barrel’s of Oil to make each year (about a days worth of Oil Imports).  True these bottles can be recycled, but only after adding more virgin petroleum and that’s not even counting the environmental impact of shipping them, carbon emissions, burning more fossil fuels.

Yea sure a plastic water bottle is convenient, take it with you throw it away after use, but at the cost of buying bottled water (even in bulk) coupled with the environmental costs, is it really worth it?

So what are the differences, if any between bottled water and home filtered tap water like Pur and Brita?

Well, bottlers like Dasani and Aquafina start with tap water and use a process of reverse osmosis to filter it.  Yes tap water,  not spring water, not water melted from a glacier, not water from an underground aquifer, the water hasn’t been blessed by a priest, rabbi or minister, it’s tap water.

However, water coming into your home through pipes has a lot more stringent guidelines which must be met than bottled water does.

From WaterFilterComparisons.com:

The Federal regulations (FDA) that govern the quality of bottled water only apply if it is transported across state lines, and only require it to be “as good as” tap water, not better. 60-70% of bottled water companies bottle and sell the water in the same state to avoid Federal purity standards, thus avoiding complying with basic health standards, such as those that apply to municipally treated tap water! There are no assurances or requirements that bottled water be any safer or better than tap water.

City tap water can have no confirmed E.Coli or fecal coliform bacteria. FDA bottled water rules include no such prohibition (a certain amount of any type of coliform bacteria is allowed in bottled water).

City tap water, from surface water, must be filtered and disinfected. In contrast, there are no federal filtration or disinfection requirements for bottled water.

Most cities using surface water have had to test for Cryptosporidium or Giardia, two common water pathogens, that can cause diarrhea and other intestinal problems, yet bottled water companies have no such test.

City tap water must meet standards for certain important toxic or cancer-causing chemicals, such as phthalate (a chemical that can leach from plastic, including plastic bottles); some in the industry persuaded FDA to exempt bottled water from the regulations regarding these chemicals.

City water systems must issue annual “right to know” reports, telling consumers what is in their water. Bottlers successfully killed a “right to know” requirement for bottled water.

Filtering water at home is in my opinion the best way to get the cleanest available water, the cheapest as well.  You know that you are at least getting federally tested and treated water and with a using an activated charcoal filter with an NSF 53 certification seal on the box (like Pur and Brita) you will remove such health-threatening contaminants as lead, microbes and volatile organic compounds, rather than merely improving taste and odor.  All at a fraction of the cost of buying bottled water.

So not only is filtering your own water cheaper and better for the environment but in most cases filtered water is better for you than bottled water.

Bottom line, get yourself a Brita instead of lugging bulky packages of bottled water home from the store, save yourself some money and spend it on better contaminants like Beer and Wine.