By: F.X. Galvin
Seriously, girls are you hot or cold? That is the question. I figured with spring approaching I would write about this new style that seemed to spread last fall, the sleeveless turtleneck. Honestly this is the dumbest and ugliest style turtleneck yet. It is worse than the mock turtle, the nurtle, the roll over sweater turtle, as well as the traditional turtleneck.
First, this style is just illogical. The original point of turtlenecks was to keep you warm in cold winter months. Now that I think about it, the point of all the various styles of turtlenecks is to provide a warm and comfortable shirt or sweater. The sleeveless turtle does not provide the basic concept of a turtleneck, it can not be warm. It provides you with a mock turtleneck which is fine, but it fails to have sleeves. Now, you can’t possibly be warm. Basically, your neck will be warm but you will have goose bumps bulging out of your arm where your triceps should be. (come on let’s be honest girls you don’t have a triceps). Really, I will give $5 to any chick who wears one of these to buy sleeves to get you warm, they are terrible.
We now know the point of sleeveless turtlenecks is not to keep you warm so what is it? They are trendy, cool, fashionable, basically they are in. Yea right, these shirts are lame. When I see a girl rock one of these, all I see is a wife-beater with a mock turtle. I see my white trash neighbor breaking brick crushing a bud pounder five minutes after whipping his wife with a broomstick…. But his neck is covered. Let’s also be practical here, they do nothing to enhance your looks or catch the eye of the opposite sex in a positive way. But, let’s face it, the goal here is to look good because if the sleeveless turtle was built for straight comfortability, and you wanted to project the image of “fuck you I have a boyfriend,” you would wear a regular, form-fitting turtleneck. These shirts are plain out ugly and do nothing for you.
I will break it down clearer for you…. A turtleneck covers your neck. It also covers your upper torso and cleavage area. These are areas that can be flattering for a girl and should be exposed if you are trying to make a fashion statement or pick up a guy. The mock turtle, it only exposes your arms. Ask any guy, not one of them notices a girl and says she has nice arms. Nice smile…yes, nice eyes…. yes, nice legs… yes, nice tits and ass… of course. I guarantee you no guy will ever say that a girl has real sexy arms outside of some freak with a crazy fetish that also gets a kick out of golden shower. Even if you go to the gym, cut arms really are not that sexy. No guy wants their girl to have better guns than he does.
Now let’s talk about the problems that may arise from showing off the arms and covering the neck/cleavage area. If you are a gymrat, you may scare off the guy because you have better arms than him (see above). Worse, you may have irregularly big arms that will detract a guy every time. If you have gross, beefy arms, it will send a guy running for the hills faster than a Barry Bonds steroid laden homer leaving the ball park. Finally, you might have a nice rack and are hiding your best asset. Seriously, if you are dressing to impress, let those puppies breathe.
To conclude this fashion police rant, do not wear a sleeveless turtle. If you have a girlfriend who has a sleeveless turtle, do not tell her yourself not to wear one, direct her to this article and allow her to write me a scathing comment. (At least she will no longer look like Mr. T with a covered neck and without gold chains.) If you have a little sister who dresses scandalously, recommend the mock turtle, it may keep her pants on an extra two weeks. Seriously though, I do not know which Hollywood scussbucket started this trend but it needs to die immediately. Unless you are attempting to hide a massive hickey stemming from making out under fireworks July 4th weekend in Wildwood, NJ, bag the sleeveless turtle.