By F.X. Galvin
In this age in society mostly every sexual orientation is socially accepted. Everything is cool from heterosexual to homosexual to bi-sexual to transsexual, so on and so forth. One thing that still has a major taboo effect is homosexual male professional athletes. It is something that is ignored and never brought up. This practice has operated as a don’t ask, don’t tell policy since being gay was gay. Hell, look what happened in the ESPN series “Playmakers,” when the star receiver came out of the closet after making the Pro Bowl… They blackballed the poor guy and sent him fudge packing or maybe just packing, I’m not sure how it worked out. Since many pro athletes are still in hiding, it is our job here at Beerslugger.com to investigate the situation.
For me, Matt Stairs raises some eyebrows. Matt Stairs is the Philadelphia Phillies left handed pinch hitter best known for his mammoth home run off Jonathan Broxton in game four of the NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers which put the Phillies ahead in the game and gave them complete control of the series. Stairs’ home run has solidified his placement within Philadelphia sports folklore. Ok let me cut to the chase, see Stairs comments after gave 4 of the NLCS:
“when you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys – there’s no better feeling than to have that done.”
Wow, talk about laying it out there. The guy practically confessed to being a homosexual “ballplayer.” He admitted to playing for the other team. Is that why he strikes out so much? Alright all jokes aside, Stairs sexuality should be considered. Stairs is Canadian and is a cultural weirdo but he has been a professional baseball player in the United States since 1992. He’s had sixteen years to adapt to American society and should know that by saying “… getting hammered in the ass by guys – there’s no better feeling than to have that done” is a blatant sexual innuendo. The only conclusion is that Stairs is a closet homosexual begging to come out.
Let’s look at the Stairs profile, alpha male right. Stairs is a lumbering individual about 35 pounds overweight, always has a scruffy beard, and has an extremely deep voice. Stairs looks more like your little league coach than a Madonna groupie. He looks like one of your Dad’s drinking buddies, not Richard Simmons’ workout buddy. He definitely does not scream gay.
Let’s look a little further. Doesn’t Stairs look very similar to the gay pimp known as “Bear” in “American Wedding” that takes on Stifler in a dance contest in a gay bar. After some research the gay pimp’s name is Eric Allan Kramer. Stairs and Kramer may be long lost gay lovers or maybe current lovers, I’m not ruling it out. After Stairs openly professed to being a bottom after game 4, Kramer could feasibly be seen as a top. It is easy to picture Stairs hitting a two run “money shot”, Kramer cheering him on, followed by them jamming out to Avril Lavingne, culminating with Stairs getting his “ass hammered by guys,” or just “Bear.” The beerslugger faithful deserves the truth, Matt Stairs please respond. Just throwing it out there.