Philly Bums – It’s a Jungle Out There

By: Billy Beerslugger

I’ll admit while not living in Philly for almost the past year, I missed the bums a little bit.  Most Bums are harmless, they just want money to buy liquor or whatever their drug du jour is.  They are usually too strung out and tired from sleeping outside to pose a valid threat to your well being.  Very rarely you encounter a bum who actually wants food.  They may say they want food to get your money but if you actually try to get them something to eat instead of just giving them money the true intentions become evident.  However, I have encountered some homeless people who really did want food and at that point if I’m not pressed for time I’ll usually get them something small, coffee, a soft pretzel etc.  This has happened maybe 4 or 5 times in my travels.

I’ve heard the  “I need $2.00 to get on the bus/subway so I can get to XYZ place” story from Bum’s and crackheads about 10,000 times.  That’s the standard sob story because it does not deal with food, it deals with transportation.  Obviously you’re not going to give them a ride and at the very least if they get a subway/bus token off of you they’re going to turn right around and sell it for .30 cents less than what it’s worth.  It’s what they do, Hustle.  That’s not working on me, you got legs chief, use them.  It may take you a couple of hours but you’ll get there.

Some Bums will have a gimmick, do flips, tell jokes, juggle etc.  If whatever they are doing makes me laugh or or really blows my skirt up I usually will throw a guy a couple of quarters.  I’m fine as long as I don’t have to come in close proximity with them.  What I won’t do is let them pump my gas or carry anything for me for money.  Not happening.

Crackhead Bum’s is where things get a little sketchy.  These vagrants will approach you in a hurried manor, are persistent, will ask any and every person on the street for money and are generally a little unpredictable.  You gotta watch out for these people because they may have the inclination to get money for the drugs in any way possible given the right situation.  Or they might just be out of their head Cracked Out.  Talking to non existent people, making outrageous statements, speaking in an undecipherable language and looking up in the sky and pointing like they see some sort of flying unicorn.  Crackalackin’ I like to call it.

The best advice I can give you to avoid these beggars is to wear headphones while walking in a Bum Zone.  Even if you don’t have an Ipod just get yourself a pair of headphones, stick the wire in your pocket and if a bum approaches you can blow them off with the old, “Can’t hear you” or “Hey how are you doing” while continuing on your way.  You may be able to get away with just pointing to the headphones, Bums understand if you can’t hear their begging or sob story you  are no good to them.

I’m kind of curious of a place I call Bum City.  It’s a grassy and tree laden area near Vine St. and 15th, right around the 676 exit/entrance.  Bums got tents over there and not just one.  It’s like a miniature town.  It’s great Real Estate too, easy walking distance to Center City, but not in an area where a whole lot of people walk and can get bothered by the bums. I’m guessing that’s why the Cops don’t really bother them there.  At least the previous 2-3 summer’s I’ve seen tents over there.

Being that it’s probably coveted Bum area I wonder if there are some sort of Bum territory wars for the right to reside there.  If you’re sleeping there at night you have to be pretty major in the Bum World.

One of the more outlandish Bum episodes I’ve witnessed was at Checkers on North Broad St.  A Bum had asked for money so my friend had given him the change from the burgers he had just purchased.  Maybe about .17 cents or so.  The Bum was so angry he threw the change at the car as we were driving away.  We stopped and yelled at him and had he not been a crackhead and just a regular guy on the street may have roughed him up a little, but you don’t want to get in a fight with a crackhead.  They’ve got nothing to lose and the chance of some crackhead blood getting on you is a risk you probably shouldn’t take.

Of course there’s good Bum stories too.  After parties at my Fraternity house in college, we had a team of 2 or 3 bums who would clean out the basement. They worked for beer and we never had a problem with them.  I think they took all the cans, crushed them and took them to the recycling center to get money that way too.  Always thinking of a way to make a buck these crazy crackheads!
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