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Happy Fake Independence Day!

26602218_72f7f4431bBy: Luan Zuccarello

Do you get that patriotic feeling while you attend your BBQ, firework display or ball game? Sorry to burst your bubble but like most holidays the 4th of July is a fraud. The actual legal separation from Great Britain happened on July 2nd when the Second Continental Congress voted to approve a resolution of independence. I guess our founding fathers went out and got wasted that night because the hangover lasted till July 4th, when John Adams came up with the brilliant notion that they should write this down. The Declaration of Independence was drawn up but was not signed by everyone until the end of August 1776. My advice: party like a rock star from the beginning of July till the end of August. You are bound to celebrate the birth of our nation.

Fun Fact – Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Monroe all died on July 4th

Note: This article was published on the 8th of July but written on the 3rd.  Billy BeerSlugger was too busy drinking beers and manning a grill in honor of our founding fathers to get it in there.

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Drunken NFL prediction

Sports with Bob McFlurry

With all the prognostications and predictions going on about the coming NFL season I figured I might as well join in the mix.  Guess what people, the Arizona Cardinals, yes the same Arizona Cardinals who beat the Eagles in the NFC Championship game last January, WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR.

Wow, did I really say that?  Yes it’s in the paragrph above you can look slightly up and see it.  Need I remind you that the Cardinals finished last season at 9-7 in an anemic NFC West Division.  Yes they have arguably the best wide receiver in the league in Larry Fitzgerald and a guy the Eagles should have traded a first rounder and what ever else the Cardinals wanted in Anquan Boldin.  They also have a guy at Quarterback who is about 50-50 to make the Hall of Fame in Kurt Warner.

Now despite their offesnive prowess and certain players on Defense like Adrian Wilson and Karlos Dansby, they are still the Arizona Cardinals.  The same Arizona or Pheonix Cardinals that have been an NFL doormat for since their move to the Grand Canyon State.

What evidence do I have to back this claim up? None whatsoever. Just an educated guess but if it comes through, Bob McFlurry is a genious becasue most of hte ESPIdiots have this team in the upper echelon of the NFC. In my humble opinion, not happening.

A team I think that is on the rise and will take the Cardinals place in the NFC playoffs next year is the San Francisco 49ers.  All the 49ers have to do is play consistently respectable offense (make more big plays than mistakes) and have a better than average special teams and they’re 10-6. They’re defense better be good because Hall of Famer and current 49ers Head Coach aint’ takin’ no bullshit over there and they have a top 3 middle linebacker in the league in Patrick Willis.

Overall, look for exactly what I said would happen, downfall of Cardinals despite the best receiver in the league and rise of an unheralded team back to prominence after 10 years.

If what I say does not happen I can blame it on being drunk and not my lack of Sports knowledge.

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“Under the Boardwalk… We’ll be fallin in love”.

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The Snozberries taste like Snozberries

By: Billy BeerSlugger

What is it about the shore that makes women get loose?  Is it the sea air, the salt water, the extended exposure to the sun?

There’s verifiable scientific evidence that girls get a little more rowdy, make out and spread their legs a little easier at the beach.

Does sand and sun give a girl the license to slut it up a little bit? To be fair, men seem to go through the same phenomenon but being that there is a terrible double standard that occurs when it comes to men and women being promiscuous, we’ll focus on the women, because they are ultimately the ones that have to agree to fornication.

Can some girls clue me into what’s going on here?  You know you’re not as apt to get crazy at a bar in Philly as you are in Sea Isle or Avalon or if you’re white trash, Wildwood.  Does being on a beach all day looking at scantily clad people peak your sex drive?  Does the beach hold mystical powers? Does the same lunar force that moves the ocean tide also make panties drop a little easier?

I’m convinced something is going on besides the level of inebriation.  Even the the “Mom” friend that usually won’t leave the bar without ALL her girls is more apt to allow a girlfriend to be kidnapped by a good enough looking man as well as get laid out on her back later on that night by a stranger.

Whatever it is… Thank You GOD!

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Fathers of American Beer: Adolphus Busch

adolphus_busch2By: Billy BeerSlugger

Adolphus Busch was a German born co-founder of Anheuser-Busch along with his father-in-law, Eberhard Anheuser.  He was the second youngest of 22 children and the family worked in winery’s and brewing supply.  He immigrated to the United States in 1857 with three of his brothers and settled in St. Louis.

In 1861 he married 17 year old Lilly Eberhard Anheuser and had 13 children. Busch served in the United States Army during the American Civil War for 14 months.  It was at this time that he learned his father had passed away and that he had been left a portion of the estate.

He used the money to start a wholesale brewing supply store.  Four year later he bought a share in his father-in-laws brewery (Bavarian Brewery) and the resulting company was called, Anheuser and Company.  In 1880 Eberhard Anheuser passed away and the name was changed to the Anheuser Busch Company.

The Anheuser Brewery was a rapid success. In 1891 he bought the trademark and name Budweiser from Carl Conrad and thus the most famous American beer was born.

Busch was intent on making his products a national brand.  Probably the most notable and ambitious endeavor was the creation of a network of rail-side ice houses which allowed the brewing industry’s first fleet of refrigerated rail cars to deliver beers to remote locations.  After Busch found a method to pasteurize the beer to keep it fresh the beer could now be shipped all over the country.  It was these two advances that made Anheuser-Busch become the successful, nationally recognized brands of beer that you find in the beer store today.

On November 18th 2008, the merging of InBev and Anheuser-Busch closed, creating Anheuser-Busch InBev which may or may not have made Adolphus roll over in his grave.

Some of you may be wondering why a German born brewer is one of the Fathers of American beer.  Well a majority if not all of the men on this list come from German descent.  If there’s two things Germans are good at it’s brewing beer and killing Jews (ohhh, that’s a bad joke).

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Michael Jackson

amd_thrillerBy: Luan Zuccarello

You can think what you want about Michael Jackson but there is no denying his talent. The biggest selling album of all time, biggest crowd to see a concert, biggest video of all time, and 8 grammy’s in one night. He made MTV into what it used to be – A station dedicated to the art form of the music video. He gave us the moonwalk, the robot, and influenced dance for generations to come. Sure I would love to sit here and ridicule and bash the decisions and lifestyle of the man but I don’t think this is the time or place. Instead I would like to celebrate one of the greatest talents of our generation and the biggest pop star ever.

The Jackson 5 made their debut on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” in 1970, performing “ABC.” Much like the Beatle’s, years before, Michael Jackson was an instant success. At 10 years old Michael, sang and danced like a seasoned performer, and won the hearts of not just America but the World. Michael got older and like all good bands, The Jackson 5 folded. He then embarked on the most successful solo career anyone has ever seen. Some highlights include: Starring in “The Wiz” (the black Wizard of OZ), the release of “Thriller” in which he financed with a million dollars of his own money, Induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – twice, 13 Grammy Awards, and 13 number one singles.

Michael Jackson’s voice and sound was something no one had heard before. People have tried to copy but without much success his signature riffs and high notes. You know the one, you have done it too. You kick your leg and grab your crotch. He could sing Motown, ballads, and pop songs. He stretched the range of his talent and creativity and we have a wonderful catalogue of songs and videos because of him.

One great drunk debate that Beerslugger and myself often find ourselves in is: who is the best lead performer on stage? We usually throw out the obvious ones Axl Rose and Mick Jagger. But that got me to thinking, Michael Jackson might be the best performer in concert ever. The effects and productions he put on were so over the top and outrageous that I don’t think they can ever be duplicated. The guy actually put a jet pack on and flew off stage during a concert. Millions upon millions have packed arenas to cry and scream hysterically at the sight of him.
I finish on this note. I am a Michael Jackson fan, I’m not scared to admit it. However this dude has been dead to me for the last 10 years. I do feel bad he died but I am glad at the same time. Along with the all the bad and horrible things that are going to be brought up surrounding his death, his music and artistry will be showcased. Perhaps, this will make people remember the talent that was Michael Jackson.

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The Animal Kingdom

By: Billy BeerSlugger

As you may or may not know, I’m a huge fan of Animal Planet, The Discovery Channel and a host of other shows involving nature and animals.  There’s a lot you can learn from these shows and to tell you the truth, the food chain and how animals lower on the food chain then humans get their food is astonishing to me.

That so called “civilized” societies get their food from a grocery store and not the ever shrinking wilderness is a stark contrast to how things were just a couple hundred years ago. It’s nice to see that the Animal Kingdom is still ever reliant on nature for it’s food.

Wild Animals do it old school. They hunt. You don’t see a Bear going into 7-11 and buying a Salmon Slurpee or a Lion going into the Supermarket and roaring at the butcher for 10 pounds of Zebra fillets to throw on his grill. Not happening.  I ofter wonder, if our food supply suddenly was interrupted for an extended period of time how many people would die from just not knowing how the hell to acquire and cook food.  I’m not talking about foraging for canned food in an abandoned mini-mart, I’m talking about catching fish, hunting wild animals and planting/tending to your own fruits and vegetables like our ancestors.  A real life “Lost” scenario minus the parachuted food, hatches and electricity.  Do you think you would survive?

Anyway, that’s what goes on in my head when I’m not thinking about blow jobs or pizza or getting a blow job while eating pizza.  Here’s some animals that actually have to work for their food.

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911 Calls

9111By: Billy BeerSlugger

What’s up with the Police or whomever releasing 911 calls to news stations and entertainment websites like TMZ.com?  You would think that these calls would be considered private between the caller and the personnel at Emergency Services.  Who authorizes these calls to be released to these news and entertainment outlets or are they just leaked.  If they are leaked these people need to be fired.

Imagine you are a quasi-celebrity and something terrible happens to you or a friend or family member.  Do you want the whole world to hear a broadcast of the 911 call detailing the emergency and the frightened people trying to get help?  Do you want your family crisis to be exploited for ratings on the news?

It’s standard these days that when a person of note passes away suddenly that the 911 tape is released.  It’s “Breaking News” when the networks receive the tape.  “Next, the frantic 911 call trying to get Michael Jackson help!”.

Caller: He’s not breathing.

911: Ok, help is on the way.

Is this really necessary?  I know these news networks have 24 hours a day to fill with stories but I think some things are better left private.  What possibly does this contribute to the news story?  I know people are obsessed with some stories as evident by news stations covering kidnappings, lost persons and celebrity deaths and the 911 replay is just another way of keeping you glued to the station between commercial breaks but why does the general public need to hear the 911 call.  If things are still under investigation then I think that only the investigating party should have access to these calls.

Just doesn’t make sense to me but then again a lot of things, especially in mass media, do not make sense to me.

But I could be wrong….

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Billy Mays: Dead

billy_maysBy: Billy BeerSlugger

These things come in three’s.  First Farrah Fawcett, then the King of Pop Michael Jackson and now superstar infomercial spokesperson Billy Mays.  You know Billy Mays from such products as OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom and many other cleaning type products.

His death leaves us without a true torch bearer for “The Beard”.  No man since the new millennium has sported the beard with more pride or resolve.  So who will take up his mantle?  I can’t think of a single worthy person who continuously sports a beard in his everyday life.  Maybe a member of ZZ top, but you hope for someone a little more spry.

A true tragedy for the advertising world, Mays, Pennsylvania born, honed his pitch skills on the Atlantic City boardwalk after high school.  He recently appeared on an ESPN 360 commercial and had his own reality competition on Discovery Channel called Pitchmen.

Mays was on a plane from Philadelphia to Tampa which blew out a tire upon landing and had several objects strike him in the head due to the turbulence.  Though it is not clear whether this contributed to his death.

Mays was 50 years old, same as Michael Jackson.  Coincidence?  You make the call.

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Hank Baskett: Reality TV star

414px-hank-baskett-2008-camp-autographSports With Bob McFlurry

Now that Hank Baskett co-stars in his own TV show with former Playboy Playmate and current girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson, can we expect more from him on the field for the Eagles this year?  26 year old Baskett had 440yds last season on 33 catches with 3 touchdowns.  With the addition of rookie Wide Receiver Jeremy Macklin will Baskett’s touches diminish in an offense that has him as a third string or lower wide receiver?  Probably.  I was thinking Baskett may get cut in training camp but then I realized he’s the tallest  receiver on the team and a semi-valid special teams player.

It will be interesteing to say the least how the Wide Receiver plays out this season for the Birds.  With a healthy Kevin Curtis, Desean Jackson in a more prominent role, new addition Jeremy Macklin and 3rd down specialist Jason Avant it seems the odd men out may be Baskett and once promising receiver Reggie Brown in the touches per game department.  Though with the departure of Mr. Softy (Greg Lewis) and the uncertainty of how Macklin will fit into the receiving/returning roles there may be some more balls to go to Baskett and or Brown.  Only time will tell.

So how many episodes until Donovan Mcnabb appears on the Kendra show?  I give an over under of 6 if the show lasts that long, which it probably will given the surprisingly low brow tastes of teen, twenty and thirty something women (maybe gay men too).  One thing that will be interesting is the increased attention from NFL and ESPN announcers Hank Baskett will receive this upcoming season, though probably not because of his play.

I hope Kendra Wilkinson does not become the Jessica Simpson of the Philadelphia Eagles this year.  One thing the birds don’t need is any sort of omen of the pop culture kind, especially ones that used to play with Hugh Hefners old balls.  I wonder how Hank Baskett feels about Hugh Hefner banging his fiancee.  That had to be an awkward conversation and then to have your wedding at the Playboy Mansion and relive all those memories.  You must be proud Hank Baskett.  I’m raising my Schlitz can in honor of you chief.  Have a great season.

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Indian Giver

cryingindianBy: Billy BeerSlugger

Someone recently accused me of being an Indian Giver. It got me thinking about the etymology or whatever the origins of this terrible racial stereotype came from.

First I’m thinking we essentially ripped off the Indians for their land and they asked for it back.  Our Forefathers got the Indians drunk and either got them to straigt up sign over the land rights or sold them beads and whiskey for it.  I can just see British Colonists at the local watering hole laughing about the Indians asking for the land back after being swindled out of it.

In my extensive research consisting of Wikipedia and some other shit I made up, it seems that American Indians expected something of equal value in return when they gave you something.  Apparently if you didn’t offer anything they asked for the given item back.  Probably just a cultural misunderstanding between American Indians and British/American Colonists but I think the Indians are getting a really bad rap about this.  I mean even in our Imperialist, Manifest Destiny conquering of North America someone had to feel really bad about this.

It’s only until the last 15 years or so that we as a country have begun to try and pay the Indians back.  What did we do?  We gave them tax free Casino’s.  Hilarious.  Let’s give them a place to get drunk and lose their money.  Does no one else see the irony in this?

I’ve decided not to use the racial stereotype “Indian Giver” anymore and I’ll be visibly upset if you call me one even if I did give you that half bottle of Old Grandad thinking I’ll never drink it then asking for it back after the bar closed.  I may even shed a single tear like the Indian pictured above.