By: Billy Beerslugger
Listen, I’m really tired of all you British people on American TV shows. What is it about being British that makes you so fucking genius that you can judge a competition reality TV show? And what is it about Americans that they fall for this bullshit? It’s so formulaic, put an asshole British person on a panel with 2 or 3 other judges, have them demean the talent and you’ve got yourself a hit!
Here’s what I see, Simon Cowell on American Idol, Piers Morgan on America’s Got Talent and Celebrity Apprentice, Len Goodman on Dancing with the Stars, Nigel Lythgoe on So You Think You Can Dance, Gordon Ramsay on Hell’s Kitchen, whatever that husky bitch’s name is on Supernanny. Sharon Osbourne is in there somewhere. There’s probably tons more that I am missing but do you see a pattern here? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?
Why is a smug ass Brit more qualified to do this shit? We couldn’t have gotten American assholes for these shows? I’ll be the first to tell you a British accent makes a chick a little hotter but I don’t see how it makes them smarter or capable of making decisions for an asinine TV show that shouldn’t be on in the first place.
I’ve got an idea for a TV show I’m pitching to my friends in Hollywood, you take a British Crack addict, bring him over here to America and have him run a Post Office in the middle of a Major Metropolitan City. You tell all the Postal workers that they have to listen to the crack addict or lose their pension and you tell the druggie Brit that he has to yell at the people all day for no good reason, even if they are doing their job. The more he yells, the more crack he gets. A Postal Worker is voted out of the Office every week until there is only one left or one of the Postal Workers that was voted off comes in and kills everyone. When a person is voted off, the remaining contestants must pick up the slack for their exiled former co-worker making it progressively harder as the weeks go by. It’s got all the makings of a mega-hit, an elimination element and a British person addressing people in a pejorative manner, the scenario in which this occurs is irrelevant. I’ve even got a tentative title, “Cracking the Whip!“. Seems like a show you would watch right? I’m thinking it would get enough of a following to be on for at least 3 seasons.