By: F.X. Galvin
#4 Haverford College – Who goes there?
I know I promised I would have the complete list done by Friday. Sorry, I lied. No, I actually got busy with grownup lawyer tasks and was unable to bash four more schools until now.
Well anyway, Haverford College is lame. It is one of those weirdo liberal arts colleges that takes on all the smart wackos who would rather attend a small college than an Ivy League school. They would rather get killer grades at Haverford than risk getting a C from Princeton. They are the intellectuals too scared to really compete.
It was difficult to come up with ideas for this post because unlike every other of the 19 schools I have chronicled, I have never met anyone that has gone to Haverford College. (except for one guy I worked with for about two months that was strange, that I avoided like any other wacko from Haverford). I have never partied up at Haverford and after calling many people I know, no one who has ever drank at this school. I have been on this campus several times to play soccer. I was there once in high school, than three times in college. (I think). Well anyway in my limited time visiting this school and soliciting rumor mill info in trying to write this article this is what I was able to establish.
I have never seen a good looking girl on this campus. I know my experience there is limited, but seriously, I should have jerked my head sustaining third degree whiplash at one point while present on the campus. Furthermore, after researching and polling people, this exact sentiment was echoed. This is one ugly ass place. Also, the time I was there, I did not see one beer can, empty beer case, or any evidence of alcoholic beverages being consumed on the campus. Also, this school is located on the Main Line and has the exact social scene as #5 Villanova. You got Brownies and a bunch of corner bars you have to drive to and risk a D.U.I.
Research has given my some more info on this place. This school boasts that it has 1,169 students from 45 states. It has the one of the oldest Honor Codes in the nation. Essentially they have been booting people for cheating since 1833. Nobody cares that you Quaker freaks have had an Honor Code since 1833. The Quaker thing does raise one issue. Penn, the original Quaker university in Philadelphia, started in 1740. In 1833, did the Quaker rejects who could not get into Penn build Haverford College? These people started as natural losers.
Well anyway, if you go on Haverford’s website one of the things it brags about is that it has a 3.5 acre duck pond. Quack, Quack Mr. Ducksworth or Haverford College, which ever you prefer. When a school advertises its duck pond on its home page, the place is useless. If anyone has something positive to say about this place I would appreciate more incite on this Main Line bubble. I will attempt to contact a couple of law school friends that I have not been able to get a hold of, who attended private Fascist high schools like Malvern Prep and Episcopal Academy to try to find what goes on at this place.
In closing, for all of you Nova alumni who have contacted me bitching that their school is #5… Blow me. Obviously you are not the reason the school was #5 or you wouldn’t have my phone number. Really, it is not my fault you went to a weak ass school. At least you turned out ok.
hey guy, im not sure if this site it paying your bills, but maybe try visiting a school at NIGHT in order to fairly judge its NIGHTLIFE. i went to haverford and i can say honestly that it doesn’t have a great social scene, people can be awkward and may not necessarily be superficially and obviously attractive like at most big schools, but there is a charm to haverford that is unmatchable because the people there have good souls. they go on to change the world and help make others’ lives better. and the reason we don’t have “evidence” of a good nightlife is because we are adults and clean up after our shit. Who goes there? the people who don’t give a damn about an Ivy name attached to their diploma. the people who will probably fix this economic crisis and not mirror the assholes that caused it. the people who you would be damn lucky to have on your side. if you ever are lucky enough to meet haverford alums, i hope they have no idea you wrote this garbage for your own sake, because we are loyal to our school. It taught us how to be a community, how to respect and abide by rules, and how to make informed decisions. you could probably learn a thing or two from haverford.
Well said Em! Anyway, I need to point something out about your post, Mr. Galvin. I think the fact that you have very fundamental spelling errors in your post disqualifies you from ridiculing the academic vigor of others. Yea I sound intellectual as hell and I can write a MEAN 12pager but I can also crush your soul at any drinking game you put in front me. The fact that I didn’t go to Princeton says absolutely nothing about my academic drive. And mind you, Penn’s grading curve makes it incredibly easy for Haverford students to absolutely OWN Penn classes. I’m not even that mad at you, Galvin, because at least HC isn’t #1. Yea, I’ll give you that a lot of people are awkward, but they do know how to have fun. I can only speak for myself but I’m fly as hell and knew a lot of people throughout my 4 years who were the shiiit.
Oh, and if beerslugger’s “babe of the month” is any indication of what you were looking for while on campus – no wonder you didn’t find it! Ew. There are DEF cute girls at Haverford. You’re 2 for 2 on the bad fortune: Not knowing any Haverford alums and not seeing the hotties.
ps. Why don’t you hit up the Mayor of Las Vegas, or the White House assistant social secretary, or Chase Utley’s (among many others’) agent and ask them how awesome Haverford is.
Hey Galvin…
I just love your column and even more Cabrini College – home of the Cavaliers. Every year I can’t figure out why Cabrini is not ranked as the #1 party school in the country. I mean I heard one time they fed a dog beer at a party there! Craaaazzzzyyy! And another time they snuck a six pack into the library and studied…not kidding at all. Alright, right now you probably think that I am some huge fibber because no school could seriously be that crazy or fun but Cabrini is. Seriously, Cabrini College “Do something extraordinary” like play flip cup with Malibu.
Hey, Tucker Max, you are too funny. I love the story where you shit yourself. You are my hero, Tucker Max.
But seriously, I went to Haverford, and you are totally right. During the day most of us just studied, worked hard, and then went to boring law school or boring medical school, or got really boring jobs where we had to use our stupid minds. Plus, the chicks were so ugly! Whenever I was having sex with a girl after a night of boring partying, I would always think to myself,
“Man! This would be really fucking fun if she could just lose 10 pounds and cake on that makeup.”
I remember one time, during some forgettable group sex we were having to celebrate the completion of a semester, I turned to the moderately beautiful girl that was giving me a handjob and could only think about how much more fun I would be having if she had worn a ton of lipstick and high heels that night.
There’s nothing worse than a girl who could be hot if she would just fill up her tits with silicon and then act much dumber than me so that I feel like a man around her.
There are a few noticeable spelling and grammar issues on your site. You are a bad writer and it is noticeable immediately. If you are interested in publishing your writing and having people enjoy it, then clean up your mess before you get it on us.
You suck, assturd.