By: F.X. Galvin
#4 Haverford College – Who goes there?
I know I promised I would have the complete list done by Friday. Sorry, I lied. No, I actually got busy with grownup lawyer tasks and was unable to bash four more schools until now.
Well anyway, Haverford College is lame. It is one of those weirdo liberal arts colleges that takes on all the smart wackos who would rather attend a small college than an Ivy League school. They would rather get killer grades at Haverford than risk getting a C from Princeton. They are the intellectuals too scared to really compete.
It was difficult to come up with ideas for this post because unlike every other of the 19 schools I have chronicled, I have never met anyone that has gone to Haverford College. (except for one guy I worked with for about two months that was strange, that I avoided like any other wacko from Haverford). I have never partied up at Haverford and after calling many people I know, no one who has ever drank at this school. I have been on this campus several times to play soccer. I was there once in high school, than three times in college. (I think). Well anyway in my limited time visiting this school and soliciting rumor mill info in trying to write this article this is what I was able to establish.
I have never seen a good looking girl on this campus. I know my experience there is limited, but seriously, I should have jerked my head sustaining third degree whiplash at one point while present on the campus. Furthermore, after researching and polling people, this exact sentiment was echoed. This is one ugly ass place. Also, the time I was there, I did not see one beer can, empty beer case, or any evidence of alcoholic beverages being consumed on the campus. Also, this school is located on the Main Line and has the exact social scene as #5 Villanova. You got Brownies and a bunch of corner bars you have to drive to and risk a D.U.I.
Research has given my some more info on this place. This school boasts that it has 1,169 students from 45 states. It has the one of the oldest Honor Codes in the nation. Essentially they have been booting people for cheating since 1833. Nobody cares that you Quaker freaks have had an Honor Code since 1833. The Quaker thing does raise one issue. Penn, the original Quaker university in Philadelphia, started in 1740. In 1833, did the Quaker rejects who could not get into Penn build Haverford College? These people started as natural losers.
Well anyway, if you go on Haverford’s website one of the things it brags about is that it has a 3.5 acre duck pond. Quack, Quack Mr. Ducksworth or Haverford College, which ever you prefer. When a school advertises its duck pond on its home page, the place is useless. If anyone has something positive to say about this place I would appreciate more incite on this Main Line bubble. I will attempt to contact a couple of law school friends that I have not been able to get a hold of, who attended private Fascist high schools like Malvern Prep and Episcopal Academy to try to find what goes on at this place.
In closing, for all of you Nova alumni who have contacted me bitching that their school is #5… Blow me. Obviously you are not the reason the school was #5 or you wouldn’t have my phone number. Really, it is not my fault you went to a weak ass school. At least you turned out ok.