Posted on

A Rant

By: Billy Beerslugger

I got text messages from two ex girlfriends today for varying reasons. I mean yea I guess in both cases we said we were going to be friends but who actually means that? If I want to see how one of my friends is doing I call them. I’m like “Hey how ya doing?”, my buddy goes, “Good How you doin?” Then we talk about other extraneous shit like how wasted we got last weekend or “How bout that local sports team? Boy are they sucking/doing well”.

I can hear the tone and inflection of my friends’ voice over the phone. I can tell if that person is happy, sad, laughing, surprised or confused. With a text message I have to read how the other person is feeling (LOL, ROTFL, HAHA). Sometimes I get text messages with just one letter (K). As if it was way too much trouble to write OK.

Phone calls are good because I can get the statement I am trying to convey over to my friend in the time it takes to say it instead of the time it takes for me to type it on a small ass keyboard (and I don’t care how fast you think you are at typing on your Iphone or Blackberry, you’re not beating speech chief).

I can’t tell you how much I hate having conversations over text messages. However, i don’t completely hate texting itself, just the use of texting as an impediment of actual human interaction. When I was a kid I thought by now we would be talking over video phones and stuff like that (which we actually have), but it seems more and more that people are intent on texting, IM’ing and messaging each other on Facebook and MySpace than actually interacting.

So this gets me to thinking about something else. Kids nowadays have it soooo easy (yes I’m going to sound old here). Until the last 5-8 years or so, if you asked a girl for her phone number in high school you got her house number. When you called her you ran the risk of the Dad answering, the Mom answering, an older brother asking you what the hell you wanted. Then you had to say something retarded like “I just wanted to ask Susie about one of our homework problems”. You also ran the risk of another person listening in on another phone in the house and foiling your plot to sneak out and play a little grab ass in the park that night.

You don’t have that now. You just call the girl on her cell phone. Bing Bang Boom, done deal. She might even surprise you with a “Sext Message”, which is a naughty picture of her sent via the cell phone. Maybe she makes a little movie with her friend of them dancing to Lady Ga Ga in bikini’s and puts it on YouTube.

God I envy you High School aged kid. Well except for the acne.

Note: This Rant was written while listening to ZZ Top’s Greatest Hits.

Posted on

The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part Deux)

by F. Galvin

The Tiger – The Beginning of the End

A tiger is a girl in between the ages of 25-34. She is a tough breed. A typical tiger has been around, she has been used, hurt, embarrassed and probably has watched a couple of her closest friends walk down the aisle. The tiger is smart, she typically won’t fall for your bullshit. She knows you are full of shit and won’t fall for your line unless she wants to use you as much as you want to use her. Tigers are a dangerous breed, they are looking for a husband, not their next side piece. Tigers get casual sex from ex-boyfriend they are familiar with and can trust or one of their closest friends who they can also trust. Bottom line, one night stands are not common unless she is a whore.

The best way to pick up a tiger is to be good looking and successful. They want a husband. They are tired of dating and want to settle down. Ok so how are you supposed to pick up a tiger considering your not successful and good looking. Well most tigers are still realistic, they know the probability of finding that perfect guy is fading with the next miller lite or stoli and soda. Be funny….Girls always like a guy that’s funny and that includes tigers. Do not be over the top and make an ass of yourself, be original and witty. Come up with a line that is really not a line and is more of a joke (Beerslugger is the resident expert in this matter refer to him for multiple quibs. Mine are few and far between and I can’t let them be plagiarized.)

Where do you find tigers? Everywhere, they are the easiest group to spot. Go to any trendy bar in any major city in the United States and it will be packed with tigers. There are countless groups of tigers but they go unnoticed the majority of the time. The tiger is usually not as good looking as a cub (see below) and she does not make for as good as a story as a cougar. Plus, if a guy is not looking for a relationship, the tiger gets skipped over. Also, tigers can be demanding, they know want they want and will play nice at first but will start making regular demands.
Tigers are the best option is you want a serious girlfriend. They typically are looking to get married even if they will not admit it. Every girl wants to get married. When they say they do not want to get hitched, it is only because the right opportunity has not come before them. See them for what they are, they still get wasted and will kiss up to your buddies at first but their ultimate plan is to train you into their husband. A tiger will give you enough ass to reel you in and reel you away from your boys.

It is tough to nail a tiger on the first night. If you do, you have good game or the tiger just doesn’t care. If she does give it up when she says “I usually don’t do this is” it is usually a blatant lie. Thy do it all the time, they have been around and around and around the block and treat alcohol as an aphrodisiac. Tigers can be stingy on sex. They are passed the horny cub stage and are not at the sexual peak like cougars. Basically, this breed can be prime for a killer migraine, they are demanding, want to get married yesterday, and do not want to screw you.

Posted on

The Age Old Debate Cougar v. Tiger v. Cub (Part 1)

By: F. Galvin

How do you choose between a Cougar, Tiger, or Cub. This could be a difficult scenario but I will go through each grouping in detail to make you better understand the proper grouping of bitches for you. Many things go into this like attitude, neediness, maturity and looks. I will do my best to give a fair and accurate representation of each category.

First we delve into everyone’s favorite group the cougar.
“Its not the natives we fear it’s the Koogah….Koogah, your body is banging, but your face looks old, Koogah, whip out your titty its time for me to feed, lift up your skirt and let your wizard sleeve breathe.”

Cougars are an interesting breed. They are old chicks who want to bang young dudes. Women that have either gone through a divorce, been dumped through a long-term relationship, or even still married Mrs. Robinson style. Typically cougars are categorized at 40 and over but sorry ladies I categorize them at 35 and older. Really where else do women 35-39 fall. They are too old to be categorized as tigers, but they still are older and want to bang young dudes. For arguments sake, they are cougars.

A cougar’s makeup is obvious. She is dressed too fuck literally, all the time, no matter where she is at. Look for hooker boots, short skirts, boob shirts, and an old face hidden with a pound of Maybelline covering her crow eyes. The cougar tries to act hip, usually hanging out with a gaggle full of cougars or is hidden with a group of co-workers that are either off the market or are tigers. Also, don’t be surprised to see a cougar mixed in with a group of tigers, don’t fall for this trick she is still old. The cougar drinks high end drinks, typically some form of tops shelf martini or cosmopolitan. Now that you spotted your prey, (even though you might be the prey) what do you do?

To pick up a cougar is just like picking up girls at your high school when you were 15. Give them compliments, they are insecure and have been pushed around. They really are confused who they are as they are wearing clothes they haven’t worn for 20 years, hanging out with girls 10 years younger and really want attention. They are walking confident and talking confident but are ultimately alone. So give them compliments, don’t lead on that you know how old they are. Ultimately, act as if you are on an equal playing field with them.

Cougars also want to bang a good looking twenty something. Get your lazy ass to the gym or run. You don’t need to be in tip top shape, you just need to be clean cut, clean shaven, not being the annoying bar regular 6 months pregnant who is yelling how beautiful she is from across the bar.

Why is a cougar right for you? Cougars are great for one night stands. They have been out of the game for a long time, they are not sure how it works. Typically, the cougar sees you as a conquest as much as you see her. They usually will swallow the pill and brag to their girlfriends about how you could pump for five minutes without needing oxygen. They also can be good for casual dating. Most cougars are independent to a degree and are not clingy. They will give you space, they typically work or have kids or both so they won’t bother you. It is pretty safe to keep a cougar as a side piece.

What not to do? Get in a serious relationship with a cougar. Come on guys, who wants to be a kept man. Eventually the cougar will take control, the way Tom Cruise got owned in “Cocktail” and yes, you will be a bitch. Really, sex from a cougar is not worth being a bitch. Never.

The best part of sleeping with a cougar…the story…. Cougar stories are priceless, the lines you throw, at them and vice-versa, going back to their place to see picture of the kids (that’s if they are not home sleeping), finding a hidden butt dimple or a C-section scar. Really priceless.

You just got a cougar education. Stay tuned for Tigers Tomorrow.

Posted on

Omar Epps & Mekhi Phifer

eppsIt has been a long running conspiracy of mine that Omar Epps & Mekhi Phifer are in fact actually the same person or Epps was cloned sometime back in 1995 and the clone was given the name Mekhi Phifer.

Here are the facts as I see them:

  1. Both played doctors on E.R at one point.
  2. They both currently work as doctors on the shows E.R and House respectively.
  3. They were both born in New York City
  4. They were both raised by single mothers.
  5. Both starred in movies with rap artists (Tupac and Epps in Juice & Phifer and Eminem in 8 Mile)
  6. They bare a striking resemblance to one another. Same haircut, both have a goatee (though Epps’ is longer).
  7. Both played star high school/college athletes in movies (Pfifer in O, Brian’s Song and Epps in Higher Learning, The Program etc).
  8. Both are around the age of 35 (Epps being 35 and Pfifer being 34).

I think the evidence pretty much speaks for itself.  It’s overwhelming.  I know I cannot prove this right now but I am putting a plan in place to get hair samples off of both of them to do DNA analysis on.

Further i believe Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin is somehow involved in this conspiracy and could be a second clone.

Updates to come….

Posted on

Grog Ale – Nodding Head Brewery

Gotta give it up to the Nodding Head Brewery (1516 Sansom St, 2nd Floor).  Was there late Friday for a Nightcap and had a Grog Ale.

From the Menu, “English-Style Brown ale… malty with a medium body and hints of chocolate… makes for a great dark session beer“.  It’s 5% alcohol by volume.

There’s about 7 beers on tap there at any moment which they brew there.  You can see the brewing equipment behind glass (and thank god it’s that glass with the wire mesh in there because it looks like things got a little rowdy there recently).

The waitstaff is great and they have some nice bar food as well.

Even better is that it is located essentially next to one of my more favorite bars in the city… Oscar’s Tavern.

I will be profiling Oscar’s later in the week but both of these bars are a stone’s throw from Rittenhouse Square and Cougar Country.

F.X. Galvin will have a three part series detailing Cougars, Tigers and Cubs this week also so stay tuned.

Posted on

Mattress Recoil and the Nuances of Nookie

I’m moving soon.  I’ll be living with guys for the first time since college.  It got me thinking about my bedroom setup in college, particularly when I lived in my fraternity house.  We had lofts to utilize the space and high ceilings.  There was not a whole lot of room up in the loft so usually a box spring was out of the question.  I opted for a futon mattress at the suggestion of one of my older fraternity brothers.  I couldn’t tell you how pleased I was with the decision.  You see there is no recoil from a futon mattress because there are no springs, it simply didn’t move.  This made it extremely easy to get into a rhythm while playing hide the salami.  With a regular spring mattress you have to account for the “bounce factor”, and work that into an equation that includes rotating between fastballs and change ups to maximize endurance, hitting the right spots with your pitches and overall trying not to cum too early.  It was really nice to take the bounce factor out of the equation.

The only thing I was really losing with the bounce factor was when i was on the bottom.  With a spring mattress you can use the bounce factor to your advantage by incorporating it into a bottom power thrust that is actually pretty easy to get into a good rhythm.

However, how many girls do you know that actually liked being on top for an extended period?  It’s almost as rare as the girl who actually likes giving blow jobs.  Though I am under the school of thought that the guy should be doing most of the work.

Anyway, I’d like to hear some comments on if people are pro or anti “bounce factor”.  I’m going to guess most people make the magic happen on a regular spring mattress but if you’ve had experience on something that does not produce as much recoil I’d love to hear about it.

Posted on

Big Brother… No not the TV show.

obamahopeprogressNot all news is good news coming from the Obama administration. While the American media focuses on the economy and Cramer vs. Stewart, lost is what is going on with some of our civil liberties guaranteed by the Constitution.

The Obama administration voted for Immunity for the Telephone Companies from lawsuits for participating in the Bush administration’s domestic spy program and included new and broad warrant-less surveillance powers in the bill.

However, that isn’t the only infringement the administration has made in it’s first 100 days in office.  They have also decided that the Constitution does not protect cell-site records.  A cell site record is essentially information about what cell phone tower your cell phone is connected to.  Effectively giving away your approximate location at all times that your phone is on.

Now I’m all for using creative ways like approximating a persons location at a certain day/time to put them at the place of some sort of crime.  I’m with that.  I loved the HBO show “The Wire” and can appreciate law enforcement doing everything they can to catch the bad guys.  It has to be within reason though.  If you need this cell-site record to help solve a crime get a warrant and you get the records on that phone.  What is the point of having everyone’s cell-site records available to the government though?  Why does the government need this info so readily available without a warrant?

Jennifer Granick, the civil liberties director for the Electronic Frontier Foundation stated, “Almost everybody in the United States carries or will carry a cell phone… This tracking ability is a means where the government can find out the location of pretty much everybody without much effort or expense.” (from a wired article)

I realize we are in slightly different times.  No president wants another 9/11 under their watch.  Why keep tabs on everyone though?  Why not just the bad guys (or potential bad guys).  And then if they do the tracking just for the bad guys, who’s to say who’s a bad guy?  Under what criteria are you categorized as a security risk or terrorist?  The US Terror Watch list currently holds over 900,000 names and bio’s and adds about 20,000 names to the list every month.

Obviously I’m not the president and am not in charge of protecting millions of American’s.  I am not trying to trivialize “the big picture” in terms of keeping America safe.  Be that as it may, I still like to adhere to what the founding fathers had in mind.  One of my favorite persons of all time, Ben Franklin, was quoted to say, “He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security.”.  I think that quote really sums up the point of this post.

Note: Next time I kill a hooker I’m definitely turning my phone off so Big Brother cannot place me at the scene of the crime.

Posted on

80’s Flashback – Back to the Future

flux_capacitor
The Flux Capacitor is what makes Time Travel Possible.

One of the greatest movie franchises of all time, Back to the Future starred a childhood hero of mine, Michael J. Fox and an insane but brilliant Christopher Loyd as Doc Brown.  The series as I’m sure you know focuses on time travel and hijinks encountered by going back or forward in time and changing their events.

I’m at the bar today in honor of St. Patrick and I’m talking to my friend.  We got to talking about Back to the Future a little bit and then time-travel.

The majority of the discussion was my argument that going back in time to change an event (say that fat chick you banged in sophomore year) is not possible. I cited the Grandfather Paradox where, if time travel were possible, a grandson could go back in time to kill his grandfather before they were born. Effectively making it so that the grandson was never born. However, if the grandson was never born, how could he kill his grandfather? And thus the Paradox… much like the chicken and the egg.

If you went back in time to stop yourself from banging that fat chick in Sophomore year you would never have had the reason to go back in time to stop yourself from banging that fat chick. See what I’m saying? So this is why I deem Time Travel (or at least backward time travel) to be theoretically impossible.

My buddy comes up with this alternate reality scenario that when you go back in time you are actually in a separate reality coexisting with one’s own (a parallel universe).  That’s like going back in time would actually place you in a separate reality  than the one you actually existed in.  And in this scenario would be able to change the future without worrying about the Grandfather Paradox. Since you are a visitor from the original reality, you would theoretically be able to kill your grandfather in the separate reality without repercussion. Your grandfather in the original reality still fathered your dad and thus your dad had fathered you even though your Grandfather in the alternate reality is dead.

I know, I know this may have been a little over your heads to contemplate right now but think about it.

If anything we proved that debating time-travel when you are 6 car bombs and a couple of beers deep is a great idea.  It’s how St. Patrick would have wanted it.

Posted on

St Patty’s Day Fiasco

shamrock_logoSo I got pretty wasted last night again.  My two buds and I barhopped for 8 or so hours yesterday.  Spent some time in Tir Na Nog and the 90% to 10% Cock to Girl ratio and no room to breathe.  Eventually we settled somewhere on south st. (Paddy Whacks) around 11pm for the long haul to 2am.

Things got a little out of hand when we befriended a group of girls and made the first floor bar the dance floor.  Shots were being thrown around like it was some sort of contest.  My friend and one of the girls had an irish jig danceoff.  I had no idea he could do the irish jig up until then.  I asked him where he learned it and he said it was an elective in college. Go figure.

Anyway the ugly lights came on and hijinks came to an abrupt end.  There was a brief notion of driving to AC with these girls but that was decided against somehow.

We get back to my buddies place and everyone needs to eat so we raid the fridge.  Ellio’s pizza, Pizza Bagel bites and Nacho’s were on the menu (no wonder it looks like I’m pregnant).  So I put the first slice of Ellio’s in the toaster oven but it took awhile.  So my friend takes the remaining two slices puts them on a baking dish and places them into the oven, apparently also sprinking some more shredded cheese on top.

So we’re eating the first Ellio’s slice and after about 8 or so minutes my other friend and I check on the oven while the guy who put the slices in there was checking on his dog.  My friend and I notice that the pizza slices look a little odd, a little more white than usual as if there was no sauce on the pizza.  Upon taking the slices out of the oven we realized that my friend had placed the Ellio’s cheese and sauce side down and then put extra cheese on the top (which was actually the bottom).  I’ll admit I ate a small piece of it because I was so drunk I didn’t care but how the hell do you mistake the bottom of an ellios slice for the top?  Freaking Amateur!

Oh yea and Temple won the A-10 tourney again. Of course they completely sucked ass while I was there.

Posted on

My Friday Night

So I decided after a heavy work week that I was going to stay in last night in an effort to conserve energy and get Super Wasted on Saturday in celebration of St. Paddy’s day (really I couldn’t find a drinking buddy).

I spent most of the night in the fetal position, crying and listening to Dashboard Confessional but I did manage to read a couple of things on the interweb about one of my Favorite Subjects, “Net Neutrality”.

Here are a couple of short reads:

Internet Protocol Treaty a ‘National Security’ Secret

“…would criminalize peer-to-peer file sharing, subject iPods to border searches and allow internet service providers to monitor their customers’ communications.”

Web Snooping

“…it was the fact that users had no choice in the matter… people were snooping on their web activity whether they liked it or not.”

People got all up in arms about the Patriot Act’s illegal wiretapping going on’s, but I think more people should be cognizant of web snooping.  Allowing your Internet Service Provider to gather information about your web browsing/data transfer habits etc.

If you want to prosecute people for illegally file sharing you have to prove it and pretty much the only way to prove that (save actually finding illegally downloaded files on a persons physical computer)  is monitoring web/data activity.

Now this isn’t about Illegal File Sharing or not wanting Comcast to know I watch Animal Porn on a regular basis, it’s about spying on you, user of the internet.  If they can snoop on your file sharing they can snoop on your email and online banking etc.  Going back to the whole wiretapping thing, I’m going to hypothesize that people do a lot more or at least as much of their interaction with other people/institutions over the interweb as they do over the phone.  So why don’t we hear more about web snooping and net neutrality on the tv news?  Is it because the same companies that control access to the internet are in cahoots with the corporations that control the TV Networks.

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation (Fox), General Electric (NBC), Disney (ABC), Viacom/ Sumner Redstone (CBS)  and all their affiliates and subsidiaries have products and services that they would like to sell to you.  Knowing your browsing habits helps them effectively target these products and services for you.  They are already doing this on social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace, collecting information about you to display targeted advertising (you agreed to this in your terms of service).   While this may seem innocuous enough you have to ask what else they are doing.

MySpace: All your data belong to us
FACEBOOK: Federal Human Data Mining Program

I think the moral of the story is the internet is the last source of informational freedom in our country and I for one would like to keep it that way.

Once I figure out an effective way for you the Beerslugger audience to support Net neutrality I will post it here.