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Why I Hate Sleeveless Turtlenecks?

By: F.X. Galvin

Seriously, girls are you hot or cold? That is the question. I figured with spring approaching I would write about this new style that seemed to spread last fall, the sleeveless turtleneck. Honestly this is the dumbest and ugliest style turtleneck yet. It is worse than the mock turtle, the nurtle, the roll over sweater turtle, as well as the traditional turtleneck.

First, this style is just illogical. The original point of turtlenecks was to keep you warm in cold winter months. Now that I think about it, the point of all the various styles of turtlenecks is to provide a warm and comfortable shirt or sweater. The sleeveless turtle does not provide the basic concept of a turtleneck, it can not be warm. It provides you with a mock turtleneck which is fine, but it fails to have sleeves. Now, you can’t possibly be warm. Basically, your neck will be warm but you will have goose bumps bulging out of your arm where your triceps should be. (come on let’s be honest girls you don’t have a triceps). Really, I will give $5 to any chick who wears one of these to buy sleeves to get you warm, they are terrible.

We now know the point of sleeveless turtlenecks is not to keep you warm so what is it? They are trendy, cool, fashionable, basically they are in. Yea right, these shirts are lame. When I see a girl rock one of these, all I see is a wife-beater with a mock turtle. I see my white trash neighbor breaking brick crushing a bud pounder five minutes after whipping his wife with a broomstick…. But his neck is covered. Let’s also be practical here, they do nothing to enhance your looks or catch the eye of the opposite sex in a positive way. But, let’s face it, the goal here is to look good because if the sleeveless turtle was built for straight comfortability, and you wanted to project the image of “fuck you I have a boyfriend,” you would wear a regular, form-fitting turtleneck. These shirts are plain out ugly and do nothing for you.

I will break it down clearer for you…. A turtleneck covers your neck. It also covers your upper torso and cleavage area. These are areas that can be flattering for a girl and should be exposed if you are trying to make a fashion statement or pick up a guy. The mock turtle, it only exposes your arms. Ask any guy, not one of them notices a girl and says she has nice arms. Nice smile…yes, nice eyes…. yes, nice legs… yes, nice tits and ass… of course. I guarantee you no guy will ever say that a girl has real sexy arms outside of some freak with a crazy fetish that also gets a kick out of golden shower. Even if you go to the gym, cut arms really are not that sexy. No guy wants their girl to have better guns than he does.

Now let’s talk about the problems that may arise from showing off the arms and covering the neck/cleavage area. If you are a gymrat, you may scare off the guy because you have better arms than him (see above). Worse, you may have irregularly big arms that will detract a guy every time. If you have gross, beefy arms, it will send a guy running for the hills faster than a Barry Bonds steroid laden homer leaving the ball park. Finally, you might have a nice rack and are hiding your best asset. Seriously, if you are dressing to impress, let those puppies breathe.

To conclude this fashion police rant, do not wear a sleeveless turtle. If you have a girlfriend who has a sleeveless turtle, do not tell her yourself not to wear one, direct her to this article and allow her to write me a scathing comment. (At least she will no longer look like Mr. T with a covered neck and without gold chains.) If you have a little sister who dresses scandalously, recommend the mock turtle, it may keep her pants on an extra two weeks. Seriously though, I do not know which Hollywood scussbucket started this trend but it needs to die immediately. Unless you are attempting to hide a massive hickey stemming from making out under fireworks July 4th weekend in Wildwood, NJ, bag the sleeveless turtle.

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The “Rooney Rule” – Minority Coaches in The NFL

By: Billy Beerslugger

There has been pressure recently on professional sports teams, by their leagues and other organizations, to hire more minority coaches.  “The Rooney Rule” in the NFL focuses on the requirement of interviewing a minority candidate for any vacant head coaching position unless the position was already promised to an assistant head coach in their contract.

The “Rooney Rule” was one of the contributing factors to having African American head coaches in the NFL jump from 6% in 2005 to 22% in 2006.  The Detroit Lions were fined $200,000 in 2003 for not interviewing minority candidates for the team’s vacant head coaching job.  The Eagles current O-Coordinator, Marty Mornhinweg was fired and Steve Mariucci was hired without interviewing any other candidate (although the Lions dispute this).

I guess my problem with the “Rooney Rule” and how it is enforced is that it seems only African America candidates have to be interviewed. When the NFL uses the term “diversity” or “minority” does it really mean “black” or “African-American”?  It seems to me that if you were going to institute a form of affirmative action it should apply to all minorities and not just one.  I’d like to see how many Latino or Asian candidates were interviewed since the inception of the rule.  As far as I can tell the NFL has no Latino or Asian head coaches. And what about Women?  Women are a minority.  Why do they not get an equal share in the “Rooney Rule” (if you want to get technical).

The NFL players are comprised of 70% African American and nearly 30% white with a small percentage of Hispanic and negligible quantities of other races.  So in this scenario maybe it does make sense that you would consider hiring more African American coaches.  However, don’t call yourself being diverse when you only deal in black and white.

Dealing in sheer population, Latino’s (14.8%) out-number African Americans(13.4%) in the United States, and that’s not even dealing with bi-racial people, a large number of which happen to share Latino descent.  While Hispanic’s  do not make up a great deal of the NFL players they do make up a greater portion of the general population than African Americans.  Shouldn’t that count for something?

The Rooney Rule is now talked about being instituted into NCAA football and possibly other sports.  Did the NFL get this correct enough to warrant it being discussed in other leagues?  Will they move to include more types of minorities in the hiring process? Should this the Rooney Rule even exist?  I guess that’s for you to decide.  I know I wouldn’t be a big fan of being made to interview people (regardless of race/religion/sexual preference) that I didn’t consider a serious contender for the position.  I would just want the best person available.

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The Cougar – The Dating Show That Breaks All the Rules.

By: Billy Beerslugger

So uh…. yea.  There’s a dating show where the object of affection is a cougar.  20 or so dudes are going to vie for some 1 on 1 time with a cougar.  That’s where we’re at people.  We have a dating show where a 40 year old woman is being chased around by 20 something guys,  looking for LOVE.  How many conversations is this going to spawn at the Cougar bar? “Did you see the last episode? Joey is totally hot”.  And how many lonely nights will these women sit on a couch watching the show, drinking a bottle of wine thinking, “I could do this.  I could be the cougar.”

Now I’m all for Cougar Hunting, it’s a god given right and something I personally do when there are either no good looking women my age or younger in the bar or I’ve already struck out with all those women.  However, it’s not exactly something you’re proud of.  You’re not trying to fall in love with a Cougar.  You don’t bring a cougar home to your Mom because well, she’s only about 5-10 years younger than your Mom and your Mom will slap the shit out of you.  It essentially goes against nature.

You have to be either insane or a complete fame whore to be on one of these dating shows like the bachelor/bachelorette, Rock of Love etc.  You really can’t take yourself seriously.  And if you watch these shows you’re a little bit different as well.

Yea, I get it, some of these shows are supposed to be funny, like Flava Flav of Love or Rock of Love where women just want to be on TV, but do you really want to watch people fake falling in love?  Not this guy I have way more important things to do like watch the Phillies pitching staff get rocked for 4 runs every first inning or write blogs about shows that I’m not going to watch.

I did watch one of these type shows back in the great year of our lord 2001.  It was called Temptation Island.  In this dating scenario, a bunch of couples were put on an island, separated and made to go on dates with single people of the opposite sex.  In the culmination of this series, the couples picked whether they still wanted to be with one another (usually after making out with two or three other people).  The concept was to break people up not get people together.

So this concept got me in 2001.  I may have been suckered into a couple of episodes of Joe Millionaire in 2003 but that’s my dating show repertoire.  I can’t sit there and watch the same recycled bullshit.  Someone gets voted off every week and everyone is interviewed Real World style to get their feelings on what just went on or whats about to happen, in between there may be some sort of physical challenge and or one on one dates, I get it.  Then the final 3 people meet each others family (which is really fucking weird to get your actual family involved in a fake courtship) and finally one person is chosen and the couple go on a happy vacation where they then breakup after they are no longer in the media cycle.

Enough already.  Why won’t reality TV just die?  I predicted in 2005 that it was on it’s last legs but this shit doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon.   There’s enough mindless losers in America to keep any crap running for two or more seasons provided you’re voting people off 1 week at a time.

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I’d like to buy a vowel…

By: Billy Beerslugger

What’s up YouToobers, a couple of weekends ago was a 3 days booze fest complete with a fantasy baseball draft in a Jersey Shore beachfront house. There were at least 7 trashcans filled up with cans and bottles. Much Mac N’ Manco’s, some NBA JAM, Air Hockey and of course tournament style Wii Bowling and Tennis sprinkled amongst the all day drinking and NCAA Basketball games.

On Saturday, things took a decidedly interesting turn. All week in preparation of this draft weekend the “party planner” was asked to procure some adult entertainment. Basically we just wanted a girl to stand there topless and write draft picks up on the board much like Vanna White does the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

You would think this would be an easy task to get a adult entertainer to do. No dancing, no whorishness just stand there and look pretty. The “agency’s” though were asking their full rate, no discount. And it was pondered, “Why are we not getting a discount if all they are doing is just standing there?”. In these tough economic times even the stripper budget is cut back so we tried the unconventional route of calling some numbers on Craigslist “Erotic Services“, which is a nice way of saying hooker. Even these ladies were charging their full hourly rate to stand up there.

At this point my friend and I were in discussions about why a woman who was having sex for money would not discount her hourly rate to model instead of have sex. My friend noted that it was a weekend and prime rates would apply since if we were not going to pay it, someone else would.

He broke it down to me like this:

“If you were a male prostitute, would you rather have sex with one girl for an hour or discount your rate and hang around 10 girls balls naked for an hour without having to have sex?”. To which I replied, “it depends on what the girl I’m supposed to have sex with looks like.”. However, I do understand that as a female prostitute you are trying to maximize money so you would probably take the having sex for $200 over the modeling for $175. I get that, I really do.

We decided not to call anymore prostitutes, explaining what exactly we wanted to happen and them understanding we were not calling for sex became mentally exhausting.

We did learn a good lesson though:

If a prostitute is “In Call“, it means you must go to their location.

If a prostitute is “Out Call“, it means they will come to you.

If a prostitute is, “In / Out Call” it means they will either come to you or you can come to them.

I learned this after a prostitute had stated to me that, “I only do In Call, I don’t do Out Call”. Thinking these were some sort of sexual position I replied, “No, I don’t want sex I just want you to put some names up on a draft board topless”. She then explained the aforementioned In / Out Call scenario. (You never know when you may need to know information like this even if just for conversation.)

But I digress, back to the story. We ordered your regular garden variety, bachelor party strippers at full price. After some non-believers doubted the party planner, the two girls showed up. Hilarity ensued as one of our friends was beaten (by request) with his own belt. The girls also wrote some pretty snide remarks on his ass with magic markers. All this while another friend was making it “Flurry“.

Flurry, if the term has not been coined yet, is a form or precipitating dollar bills on to a stripper. While making it flurry, dollar bills come down softer and more deliberate than when someone “makes it rain“. Making it Flurry is more about great placement of the bill as it falls as opposed to having a bunch of bills fall at the same time randomly. Generally making it flurry is cheaper than making it rain.

My one friend wakes up the next day and takes a dump forgetting that he had markers still on his ass (and actually not even remembering these events transpire). This ass editorial (which included homophobic remarks) was transposed on to portions of the toilet seat. Much like a printing press marks newspaper, my friend’s left ass hieroglyphics on a toilet seat.

The best part was he denied taking the dump until we asked him to show us his ass. Afterward the prosecution rested.

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Terminator 4 – Salvation

By: Billy Beerslugger

I have been a fan of the Terminator movies since birth.  I can remember watching The Terminator and Ghostbusters over and over as a child.  The film spawned the sequel Terminator 2, in 1991,which was not only awesome but blew the doors off of the use of Computer Generated Imagery (CGI) in movies (although it did use a ton a actual stunts and real explosions).  Terminator 3 was a I’m guessing a way to get money for Arnold Schwarzenegger as he was running for Governor of California.  It really was not very good although I still want to give Clare Danes the high hard one.

In May 2007, the rights for the movie franchise passed from two feuding producers to a new company which planned a new Trilogy.  The first film of the Trilogy is Terminator: Salvation, scheduled to come to a theater near you on May 21st.  Pulling out all the stops they got the greatest action hero of today, Christian Bale (of American Psycho and Batman fame), to play the role of a grown up John Connor fighting in the resistance against the machines.

The film is one of the last for legendary special effects Stan Winston and is said to be once again pushing the limits in terms of that category.

I for one cannot wait for this movie to come out and is one of the few franchises/movies I will actually go to the movie theater to see.

I guess the only problem I have with it is that rapper Common is in the movie. While not a slight to Common I do generally hate movies with Rapper/Actors in them.

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Naked Chicks (NS4W)

By: Billy Beerslugger

I feel like it’s my responsibility to bring the Beerslugger faithful interesting and thought provoking issues. As a man, there’s not really anything more interesting or thought provoking than naked women.

So from time to time I’ll try to get you links to celebrities in their birthday suits. Of course they will just be links so we’ll keep Beerslugger.com safe for work viewing (at least in terms of images).

Eliza Dusku, Chelsea Handler along with the hottest milf on the planet Cindy Crawford in the upcoming Allure magazine.

Audrina Patridge, of the Hills Fame, got naked a couple of years ago.

Megan Fox of the Transformers movies has some nipple band aids on.

Lindsay Lohan did a recreation of a Marilyn Monroe photo shoot last year.

Natalie Portman in some sort of “film” where she gets naked or at least you see her ass.

Oscar Winner “Marissa Tomei” in the Wrestler.

Kim Kardashian in Playboy.

In most if not all of these links the pictures are part of a series of pictures and you may need to click on an actual photos to see the girlie parts uncensored.

This should keep the spank bank open past regular store hours. But again we’re dealing with naked pictures here so use discretion in your place of work.

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Pirates

pirate-flag

By: Billy Beerslugger

So a U.S. freighter ship was boarded by pirates last week somewhere off the coast of Somalia.  I’m not really sure what happened to the rest of the crew but the Captain was taken hostage.  The news stations made a huge deal of this.  If you watched CNN, Fox, MSNBC over the last couple of days this was the main story.

The story ends with 3 pirates being snipered by the Navy Seals and the U.S. captain being freed.  Somehow though, I was rooting for the Pirates.  What if the main Pirate was in the same league as Jack Sparrow or One Eyed Willy from Goonies?

While I certainly wanted no one to die, it’s got to take a lot of balls to board a freighter ship, take hostages and demand a ransom.  You’ve got to be a little crazy.  ARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

These pirates differ from their Hollywood cousins in that the “booty” they desire is citizens who will pay a ransom for safe return instead of gold, silver or other precious cargo.  A cargo freighter isn’t something you’re going to steal and take to the high seas as your new pirate ship. Exchanging the new cars or other booty on board for the the vast amount of gas it takes to run one of these things just doesn’t make sense.

Somalia is a war ravaged country.  It’s government was overthrown in 1991 and for nearly 20 years has been ruled by rival clans.  Whomever has more pickup trucks, guns and men in that area is who the people listen to.  Some Somali people call these pirates heroes.  In reality, these men are just your ordinary fisherman, paid by the overlords to assault the some 25,000 ships that pass through the Gulf of Aden each year.  In 2008 piracy incidents in the area jumped to 111 from 41 in 2007.

It’s big business over there.  On average the Pirates earn between 1 million and 2 million per boat.  But all that money does not go to the pirates.  The pirates themselves make only about 30% of that while twenty percent goes to group bosses,  another 30 percent is spent on bribing local officials, and 20 percent goes for capital investment like guns, ammunition, fuel, food, cigarettes.  And these pirates are getting more sophisticated because increasing night time attacks suggest the use of Night Vision Goggles.

Love them or hate them, the Pirates do not seem to be going anywhere soon in that area.  And this brings me to another point, don’t work anywhere where there’s pirates.  This ship captain obviously knew of the pirate activity in the area. He chose to take the job anyway.  Just like if you go over to Iraq as some sort of contractor, the pay is higher but you run the risk of getting killed.

My advice,don’t work anywhere but the U.S., Europe, the British Isles and maybe Australia.  Anywhere else you’re fucking crazy.

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Magic and Russell Simmons – Taking it to the Little Guy

By: Billy Beerslugger

Recently I’ve seen both Magic Johnson and Russell Simmons promoting various products and companies on commercials.  Magic Johnson is promoting a “Money Now Loan” for tax service Jackson Hewitt which is essentially a loan against your tax refund.  Russell Simmons (founder of Def Jam) is promoting the “Rush Card” which is billed as a pre-paid credit card but actually amounts to a debit card.

Whats is surprising in both instances is that both services/products are either unnecessary or detrimental to the communities that they champion, lower income people of color.

Where the Magic Happens: There is coming legislation in the government on so called “Predatory Loans” which are short-term and high-cost.  In this category are “Payday Loans” which is an advance on your paycheck and these tax-refund loans.  In Magic Johnson’ s case he is advocating to get an advance on your tax refund.  Seems harmless enough, I mean it’s Magic Johnson, one of the most stand up black guys of all time, he’s got HIV for Christ Sakes why would he be giving you a raw deal?  What the people who use this service fail to recognize is that annual interest rates on these types of loans can range from 50% to nearly 500% (Jackson Hewitt charges Jackson Hewitt charges fees with an APR of either 134% or 140%.).  This scam is even better than the “Payday Loans” because they are backed by the Federal Tax refund they just did for the victim client.  Basically Jackson Hewitt is going to get their money.  And you will never guess who these loans are targeted to.  Yep upper class white people.  Nah, (JK : just kidding),   Magic Johnson appears in television ads, radio spots on urban stations and billboards in lower income communities.

I think the best part about the whole thing is that Jackson Hewitt’s website offers a 20 percent discount for customers who order Johnson’s book, 32 Ways to be a Champion in Business.

Here’s an excerpt from the book:

Chapter 3: Use your reputation as a person of high moral fiber to take advantage of people who don’t know any better.  The more you pretend to be helping these people the more they will believe you and the more money you will get.  In addition to taking advantage of them, get them to buy your book about how you’re such a good business person.  To increase book sales couple the purchase of the book with a discount on one of the unscrupulous services you endorse.

(Yea I went there, unscrupulous,  look it up bitches.  And no a Thesaurus is not a Dinosaur as I recently found out.)

I digress, back to the story.  The IRS states that about 8.7 million people took out these tax refund loans last year resulting in about 1 billion dollars in fees.  Around 5.8 million of these people are recipients of the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC) which helps people with low incomes and is the govenments most effective anti-poverty program. Consumer advocates estimate that about $523 million was drained from the EITC program by refund anticipation loan fees in 2007.

Jackson Hewitt  has been the target of several government lawsuits for its abusive practices. In 2007, the California Attorney General won a $5 million settlement from the company for violating state and federal laws in marketing its tax refund loans to low income customers.

So not only are Magic and Jackson Hewitt fucking these low income people in the ass, they are fucking the American taxpayers who are supplementing these low income people in the ass.  I just hope Magic is wearing a condom.

Russell Simmons, Entreponinja:

Russell Simmons makes money on everything.  He’s a true mogul in every sense of the word.  Def Jam, Phat Farm Clothing line among other ventures.  Russell in the past couple years has been touting the “Rush Card”.  It’s a prepaid debit card for people with bad credit touted as a tool to financial empowerment.  These cards have an activation fee of $19.95 and a $1.95 ATM withdraw fee (in addition to the actual ATM fees) among other fees.  As far as I can tell there is no interest applied to purchases which is better than other prepaid credit cards. I guess one selling point is that it is free to cash checks which most people without checking account will have to pay to get their checks cashed at a check cashing place.

What I don’t get is that people can just go to the bank and get a debit card for free.  Just because you have bad credit does not mean you will be denied a checking account.  Having delinquent checks may preclude you from acquiring a checking account though.  If that’s the case I would suggest Russell Simmons go on TV and tell people to make good on those bounced checks instead of making money off of them.  If you’re really trying to empower the low income and African American community tell them the truth.  The truth is they don’t need this card.   They need to get a checking account and a debit card that’s free.

However, I guess you can’t really hate on these guys, America was built on screwing over the little people.  They’re just two more in a long line that has sold out for a buck.

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Don't Tell Me How to Drive Kid

By: Gene Yuss

I just can't help but hate this kid...
I just can't help but hate this kid...

There is a marketing campaign that is absolutely in the top five of all time commercials that annoy me.

Mazda started running cheap cialis 20mg their “Zoom-Zoom” commercials several years ago, and have been pushing me to the brink of madness ever since.

It is not really that I don’t like the cars (the RX-8 is actually a nice little whip for the affluently challenged), I just can’t stand that kid that so smugly urges us to zoom-zoom.

The kid is no longer in the commercials, but his voice still echoes through the halls of my Bose surround sound between every inning of this young baseball season.

Where does this kid get the nerve to tell me how to drive?

Seriously.

Just looking at him you know he’s obviously not old enough to drive. After some research I was able to determine that this kid’s name is Micah Kanters. Kanters was only ten years of age when he began making these commercials. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a ten year old tell me how to drive.

And why is he always in such a hurry? At ten years old there are only so many things he can be rushing to… With that Irish little mug of his it is either river dancing or to a potato mixer. Think about how long these commercials have been on the air and Kanters is still probably not old enough to drive. Arrogant little bastard.

The only thing I can be thankful for is that his entry into puberty has obviously taken a toll on his infamous voice and we don’t have to look at his face anymore.

Kanters – If you are reading this, I have a message for you. There is only one thing in this world (at least that I can think of at the time that I’m writing this) that can get away with repeating only one word twice as their only form of communication. Sadly, you sir are not the Road Runner. Ironically though, the Road Runner’s “beep-beep” is arguably in the car family of onomatopoeia.

I also saw a rumor online that Kanters was killed – ironically being run over by a Mazda. While this is hilariously untrue, I can only hope he instead takes a lesson from Wile E. Coyote and falls off a cliff…

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Polygamy and The Girls Next Door

By: Billy Beerslugger

You gotta give it up to Hugh Hefner. Dude is like 80+ years old and pretty much has had any girl he ever wanted.  He’s the founder of Playboy magazine and has been male whoring it up ever since.  He lives in a mansion with a several “girlfriends” and given the show “The Girls Next Door”, you have to assume he takes heaping doses of Viagra and lays down so these young gold diggers can ride him until satisfaction.  And who knows maybe he bangs other girls too besides his girlfriends.

Recently he got 3 brand new girlfriends (video below) as the old ones (one of whom got married to Eagles receiver Hank Basket) moved on.

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and besides the moral implications of glamorizing the life of a playboy bunny to 11 year old girls on the E network, what about the fact that he lives with 3 “girlfriends”.  I like the show Big Love, Bill Paxton has 3 fictitious wives in this show, all of whom live in the 3 houses right next door to one another.  This 3 wife, multi-child family depicted in the show is considered Polygamist.

Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one spouse at a time.  You may remember the April 2008 raid on a polygamist compound in Texas which was carried by every major news network and talk show for a good period of time last year.

That compound was raided because there was alleged child abuse occurring there and in general on these types of compounds it seems as if girls are forced to marry early into Polygamist families.

Obviously I’m not saying Hugh Hefner is raping little girls, but what is the fundamental difference between the actors pretending to live together in Big Love and Hefner and partners actually living together in The Girls Next Door?  In both instances 3 women share one man and engage in co-habitation.

In the Big Love scenario the extended family must try and hide their situation from the community for fear of being ostracized.  In the girls next door this scenario is championed.  It’s great the girls get naked, take pictures, go on trips together and generally have a worry free life.  The obvious difference is that Hef is not married to the “girlfriends” but if you are living with, banging and providing for 3 women that’s about as close as you can come to marriage without a certificate.

Now I’m not telling people how to live their life.  Hef wants to live with and be intimate with 3 women who want the same so be it.  A woman wants to live with and get rocked by 10 men who want the same, I’m all for that too.  All I’m saying is don’t glamorize one scenario in the media and shun the other.

And to elaborate further on my “Kids have it easy nowadays” rant, why couldn’t the E channel and the Girls Next Door be on when I was in my mid teens.  I was stuck spanking it to scrambled porn on cable and fake nudie pics of Sandra Bullock I found on CompuServe.  Every show these chicks get butt naked and E just blurs out the nipple and ass crack.  Then you got whorebag Kim Kardashian doing the same thing the next half hour.  But shit what teenage male today is watching TV when there’s free streaming video porn on the internet?