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Wiggers… Life Imitating Art… Imitating Thuglife

By: Billy Beerslugger

As I am transitioning from the suburbs back to Philadelphia after almost a year, one thing I’m not going to miss is the fake ass Wiggers that have popped up in the neighborhood i grew up in.  It’s like the student body of  my old high school (and apparently 90% of the bar crowd), who are Caucasian mind you, dress in Sean John, Fubu, hoodies, hat’s tilted to the side with a straight brim and solid color or airbrushed t-shirt that’s 3 sizes too big.

wigger-42888So take these guys above for instance.  Flashing signs of some sort, maybe trying to convey they are from the West Coast, maybe Westmont High School, maybe W was the letter of the day on Sesame Street, I don’t know.  What I do know is that these are the types of harmless hooligans I see on the streets of the neighborhoods I patrol at night while working as a freelance vigilante. They’re up on the “urban” dialect that they hear in movies and the latest song featuring T-Pain.  Spouting out words and phrases such as “crunk”, “bling” and “supaman dat hoe”.  Listening to Lil’ Wayne’s Tha Carter 14 in the car their mom and dad got them for their 17th birthday.  For this car they got fake rims and a speaker system that makes the trunk rattle like when you rip a fart on a leather couch.

Quick to talk shit and challenge someone to a fight while their boys are there but ultimately back down and end up talking shit from behind their biggest friend.  Because they’re “Gangsta”, “I’m a Thug”. They’re in the “game” cause they sell weed to their friends and know a guy who can get Percocets.  Probably got a karaoke machine in the basement they’re making a demo tape on with some recycled beats thinking they’re gonna be tha next Eminem.

What I’d really like to do is scoop up all these wannabees I can find, put them on a bus, take their cell phones and wallets and drop them off in the middle of North Philly.  We’ll see how gangster you are then.  Shit done changed then, walking out of North Philly with no shirt on cause a group of real thugs approached you and said they didn’t have a Ed Hardy shirt from Macy’s but wanted one real bad.

It makes me laugh.  Acting like a thug while being raised and currently residing in the suburbs is oxymoronic.  You get ZERO street cred for that.  Have one of your friends shoot you in the leg and say it was over a drug deal.  Then maybe people will take you seriously.

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Free Radio – The TV Show

I catch this show sometimes while I’m flipping through channels and I gotta say it’s hilarious.  The premise of the show is that some shock-jock leaves the fictional KBOM radio station in Los Angeles and is temporarily replaced by an intern.  This intern (Lance) is completely inept but somehow ratings continue to climb and he is tabbed as the official on air talent of “Moron in The Morning”.

The funniest part of the show (and basically the show itself) is that they interview real celebrities as if it was an actual radio show.  The exchanges between Lance, co host Anna and the guests are usually priceless.  Pretty much the only thing I would consider watching on VH1 unless they decided to bring back music videos.

You can watch the latest episode at 11pm every Thurday or here at VH1.com
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Session Beer… Yeah Sure I’ll have one of those?

The Merry Drinker by Frans Hals.
The Merry Drinker by Frans Hals.

By: Billy Beerslugger

I’ve been done graduated from the Light beers and cheap beers (although i occasionally dabble) for a while now.  On BeerSlugger.com I try to profile beers I think that you will appreciate not only for the buzz it gives you but the taste and enjoyability.

Last month I profiled the Grog Ale at Nodding Head Brewery in Center City.  The description on the menu and website listed it as a, “ … great dark session beer“.  I’ve seen this term “Session Beer” thrown around a little bit in my time but guess I never cared to actually learn what it meant.  So I did some research and here’s what I found out.

Per the Beer Advocate:

Session Beer: Any beer that contains no higher than 5 percent ABV, featuring a balance between malt and hop characters (ingredients) and, typically, a clean finish – a combination of which creates a beer with high drinkability. The purpose of a session beer is to allow a beer drinker to have multiple beers, within a reasonable time period or session, without overwhelming the senses or reaching inappropriate levels of intoxication.

So in reality, I have been sampling a great variety of Session Beers.  In fact every one of the beers that I have profiled on BeerSlugger.com (save Molson XXX) I have found to have been extremely drinkable while not making you fall off your bar stool.  For me it is simple, I like beers I can drink 8-15 at a time which taste good,do not upset my stomach, do not give me heartburn or make me throw up.  That’s a Session Beer.

Session Beers I’m guessing vary upon the person.  I’m not a guy who likes really “hoppy” beers though I have a friend who will drink 10 of them with no problem.  I couldn’t do that just like he wouldn’t down 10 stoudts.  In general though,  such as times when we receive the beer of the month club case in the mail, there’s a couple of beers we would both really like and consider very drinkable.  One of these was, Casco Bay Riptide Red Ale.

I’d love to hear some of the readers favorite Session Beers. (note: Miller Lite and Coors Light are not Session Beers)

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Internet Service Providers Raising Prices?

By: Billy Beerslugger

So I’ve been waiting for this to happen for a while now.  I believe this is the beginning of the end of “Unlimited Bandwidth” through Internet Service Providers (ISP’s) in the United States.

Like a lot of my generation, I get a good portion of my news online.  Actually, I get pretty much all my news online.  It’s much more convenient, I can read it when I want to and I can read what I want to as opposed to Network TV news who are at the mercy of Advertisers and their own networks shows (i really don’t need to know who got kicked off of American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Survivor, Amazing Race or Big Brother).  I recently read an extremely interesting article from the NY Times.  It makes some really good points including the issue over Bandwidth Consumption, Internet Prices and Government regulation.

First, the article states that most ISP’s in the U.S. want to end the unlimited bandwidth option from their subscription services.  As long as I’ve been using Cable internet it has been browse as much as you want, download as much as you want.  Now they want to measure usage and bill accordingly just like the electric or water company.  On the surface this may seem fair to you, especially if you don’t watch movies and television online or don’t do a lot of downloading or youtube viewing.  If someone else is using the Internet more than you maybe they should pay more and you should pay less.

However, just because a person uses more bandwidth than someone else doesn’t effect the ISP’s profits or the availability/speed of the internet.  The ISP makes just as much money when no one uses the internet as when everyone is glued to the internet checking out the latest Brittany Spears upskirt shot.  Think of Internet use the same way you would think of Cable TV usage (Both use the same technology and have about the same costs).  Does the person who is at work all day and not watching TV pay the same as the person who is at home watching TV all day? Yes, they do.  Each pay for a service and can use as much or as little as they want for a flat fee.

The main costs in running the ISP are investment in network equipment and expanding the networks but just like everything else computer related, costs continue to fall as technology advances.  Most if not all of the Major ISP’s profit margins are stable.  So why change to a consumption based business model?  I’d say to make more money.  ISP’s like Comcast, Time Warner etc pretty much have a monopoly on providing Internet service.  Much like before the phone companies prices were regulated by the U.S. government, ISP’s can charge pretty much whatever they want because there’s not that much else out there.

As some ISP’s are beginning to offer higher Megabits per second than are currently offered, they are also raising prices disproportionately than countries like Japan who offer this higher MBit/s for about $5 more than their regular plan.  In the U.S. prices for this service would increase your bill sometimes twofold and more.  There is a lot more competition in Japan in terms of ISP’s.

There’s other theories out there that suggest Cable Company’s that also supply Internet want to increase prices to Internet Service because online video etc is eating a hole in their Cable TV revenue.  This could also be a reason.

Overall, I would say don’t let an ISP, government or whomever else limit your access to the Internet.  It is essential to free speech and will continue to play a more integral part in our daily lives as the years progress.  As computers, cell phones and Televisions seemingly stay on a path to converge continue to look for ways of how the Corporations that control access to these services may try to screw you and speak out and fight against it.

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The Sham Wow dude

shamwowBy: Billy Beerslugger

So I’m pretty sure you’ve seen the commercials for the Sham Wow.  It seems to be a pretty amazing product.  It holds a whole bunch of liquid, supposedly doesn’t drip and is generally way better than paper towels.

Well, late last month The Sham Wow spokesperson was arrested on a felony battery charge in South Beach during an altercation with an alleged hooker in his hotel room.  Vince Shlomi told police he had paid the hooker $1,000 for straight sex after she propositioned him.

Allegedly when Vince kissed the prostitute, she bit his tongue and would not let go.  At this time  Shlomi began punching the hooker who eventually released the tongue.  The hooker apparently received facial fractures and lacerations.

Man, how pissed are the people at ShamWow about this?  Your spokesperson gets arrested for not only getting a prostitute but also beating the shit out of her.  And what about him kissing the prostitute?  I’m no hooker aficionado but I’m thinking it’s a big no-no to mouth kiss a person in the sex trade.  She probably just had some other dudes dick in her mouth.

Further, for the amount of money ($1,000), he spent on the hooker, I’m thinking he could have easily at least got some decent tail at a South Beach bar.    I don’t care how ugly the guy is, he’s the ShamWow dude, he’s got money, get bottle service somewhere, invite some pretty girls over and keep the drinks flowing and some chick would bang the guy. If nothing for just to tell your friends the story about, “I banged the ShamWow dude”.  He must be just plain lazy.

I’ve got some stories about South Beach, but that’s for a later time.

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Jim Cramer backlash… Main St. Vs. Wall St.

cramer125By: Billy Beerslugger

First of all Jim Cramer is a born and bred Philadelphian.  This guys first job was selling ice cream at the Vet during Phillies Games.  He’s taken a lot of heat lately from people like Jon Stewart and others and has essentially become the face of Wall Street’s economic meltdown.  I realize he’s pretty heavily touted on CNBC.  “In Cramer We Trust” is what they say over there.  I recently saw a video on the Huffington Post and some dude was touting some other dude’s way of investing and saying we need, “less of In Cramer we trust”.  To a certain extent, he deserves some blame.  Apparently he was wrong about the collapse of certain companies before the recession started and told people to buy instead of sell, though in other instances he told people to sell resulting in a good call.

To be fair, there is some debate as to whether Cramer’s stock picks even beat the market over the last two years.  However, from what I understand he has made himself and others a shit ton of money over the last 4 or so years with his Mad Money show.

So I have news for you,  he’s not going to get every call right.  While he’s reporting on the state of Economic America and picking stocks I don’t think for one second he did anything malicious to try and kill people’s 401k’s overnight.  I just can’t see that happening even though he may have some inside tricks for driving up stock prices etc from when he was a Hedge fund manager.

So why is he singled out and not everyone who reports on Economics of America?  Why is he the scapegoat?  Because he says things like “Booya” and punches sound effects while commentating? I don’t know.  One thing I do know is that no one is infallible.  No one is perfect.  There’s no hero’s out there.  There’s “here’s what I think” and you can either choose to take my advice or not.  He’s not holding a gun to your head and making you buy stocks.

Where’s the backlash for the thousands of brokers out there.  Where was all the phone calls telling people who had their faith for X amount of years to get out of AIG and all those other stocks before they tanked.  Why didn’t they see this coming?  Are they not professionals too?
bob-ross
If you are serious about the Stock Market why not take some time to learn about it and not just listen to guys like Cramer and your stock broker and make some choices for yourself.  Or use these stock pundits recommendations as a basis for stocks you should consider doing research on for possible purchase.

I’m not going to pretend I’m some big time Stock Guy.  I’m not and I wouldn’t take my advice.  Most of my vast fortune lies in a collection of Authentic Bob Ross oil paintings and the VHS tapes of him making them from PBS.  My art dealer has told me these are going to appreciate like gangbusters so I decided in 2004 that I would take all my money out of Teldar Paper and Blue Star Airlines and invest in these classics from the man that made painting fun.  That’s my retirement fund. And as long as Bob Ross resides in the hearts and minds of America my retirement fund is recession proof.

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Eagles Pre-Draft Update and Jason Peter’s Signing

By: Billy Beerslugger

So most if not all of Eagles fans were disappointed with the lack of signing big ticket free agents or trades this offseason.  We just traded for one of the best left-tackles in football and all I hear on 610 WIP is, “We could have used that pick to trade for Braylon or Anquan Boldin”.  I’m hip to that, I want a top flight receiver in Philadelphia like I want Charlize Theron to make me a Turkey Sandwich while completely naked. I think Donovan McNabb is saying the same thing.

What the Eagles have done this offseason is nothing write off though.  They lost their two 10 year plus with the Eagles tackles and they just reloaded with Stacey Andrews and Jason Peters.  All indications to me, that’s an upgrade all around at the tackle position.  The lay person has no idea how important it is to have a good offesive and defensive line.  Then, an afterthought in the Birds free agent signings, Leonard Weaver is the first true fullback we’ve had in Philadelphia since Jon Ritchie.  Is that going to upgrade the running game.  Simply put, YES!

We’ve got the 21st pick in the first round of the draft.  Look for the Birds to select a running back to complement/replace a 30 year old Brian Westbrook.  As I’ve said before I’m McLovin Knowshown Moreno.  Do not think that the Eagles are going to trade that first rounder for Anquan or Braylon, it’s not happening.  Though the Eagles do have a 2nd round pick and other draft pick ammunition that could lure Tony Gonzalez or Chad Ocho Cinqo to Philadelphia.  You can consider Reggie Brown part of that ammunition as well.

If the Eagles come out of this offseason with two tackles, a capable running back with an upside (not Ryan Moats or Tony Hunt), a true fullback and either Ocho Stinko or Tony Gonzalez it’s an A+ offseason.  Right now I think they’re sitting in the B- range depending on what transpires in the draft.   All is not lost, there’s definitely a light at the end of the tunnell in what looks like an open race for NFC supremacy.

And for a little prognostication from the Beerslugger himself, Matthew Stafford will have a career similar to that of Jay Cutler.  They both have talent but need to be in the right system and surrounded by a good amount of playmakers to win.  Mark Sanchez I believe will be another in a long line of USC QB’s taken in the first round that will be considered a bust.  I don’t think Mark Sanchez has the skills to make it in the NFL just like I questioned whether Matt Leinert would be able to flourish.  Considering they both wore the same knee brace in college I’m going to guess Mark Sanchez makes more headlines about getting hurt then he does with his play.  But I’ve been wrong before, like when I was Pro Communism and Racism.

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Matt Stairs: What’s up dude?

matt-stairs-721917By F.X. Galvin

In this age in society mostly every sexual orientation is socially accepted. Everything is cool from heterosexual to homosexual to bi-sexual to transsexual, so on and so forth. One thing that still has a major taboo effect is homosexual male professional athletes. It is something that is ignored and never brought up. This practice has operated as a don’t ask, don’t tell policy since being gay was gay. Hell, look what happened in the ESPN series “Playmakers,” when the star receiver came out of the closet after making the Pro Bowl… They blackballed the poor guy and sent him fudge packing or maybe just packing, I’m not sure how it worked out. Since many pro athletes are still in hiding, it is our job here at Beerslugger.com to investigate the situation.

For me, Matt Stairs raises some eyebrows. Matt Stairs is the Philadelphia Phillies left handed pinch hitter best known for his mammoth home run off Jonathan Broxton in game four of the NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers which put the Phillies ahead in the game and gave them complete control of the series. Stairs’ home run has solidified his placement within Philadelphia sports folklore. Ok let me cut to the chase, see Stairs comments after gave 4 of the NLCS:

“when you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys – there’s no better feeling than to have that done.”

kran1

Wow, talk about laying it out there. The guy practically confessed to being a homosexual “ballplayer.” He admitted to playing for the other team. Is that why he strikes out so much? Alright all jokes aside, Stairs sexuality should be considered. Stairs is Canadian and is a cultural weirdo but he has been a professional baseball player in the United States since 1992. He’s had sixteen years to adapt to American society and should know that by saying “… getting hammered in the ass by guys – there’s no better feeling than to have that done” is a blatant sexual innuendo. The only conclusion is that Stairs is a closet homosexual begging to come out.

Let’s look at the Stairs profile, alpha male right. Stairs is a lumbering individual about 35 pounds overweight, always has a scruffy beard, and has an extremely deep voice. Stairs looks more like your little league coach than a Madonna groupie. He looks like one of your Dad’s drinking buddies, not Richard Simmons’ workout buddy. He definitely does not scream gay.

Let’s look a little further. Doesn’t Stairs look very similar to the gay pimp known as “Bear” in “American Wedding” that takes on Stifler in a dance contest in a gay bar. After some research the gay pimp’s name is Eric Allan Kramer. Stairs and Kramer may be long lost gay lovers or maybe current lovers, I’m not ruling it out. After Stairs openly professed to being a bottom after game 4, Kramer could feasibly be seen as a top. It is easy to picture Stairs hitting a two run “money shot”, Kramer cheering him on, followed by them jamming out to Avril Lavingne, culminating with Stairs getting his “ass hammered by guys,” or just “Bear.” The beerslugger faithful deserves the truth, Matt Stairs please respond. Just throwing it out there.

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Molson XXX

Possibly All the Alcholol you need for one night.
Possibly All the Booze you need for one night.

By: Billy Beerslugger

I’d like to tell you a little something about Molson XXX.  It’s 7.3% alcohol by volume.  To give you a frame of reference Coors Light and Miller Lite are around 4.2% abv.  So effectively you are drinking about 87% more alcohol per beer with XXX than your average American light beer.

Needless to say drinking Molson XXX gets you wasted.  I’ve had several run ins with Molson XXX in my day.  While on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls for Spring Break in 2003, two of my fraternity brothers and I decided to acquire a case of Molson XXX for the pre-game festivities.  Now with that high of an alcohol concentration in a beer it’s not the greatest tasting beer in the world.  In fact I think if you were in a really rough spot and didn’t feel like going to Home Depot, you could use it to peel wallpaper.  So my buddies and I downed this case in about an hour and a half and went out in the snowy wonderland in search of women.

Settling in a bar on Fun Street (actual name of the street), we decided to take some shots and order a couple rounds of beer.  We figured we might as well stick with the XXX since it was approximately the same price as the other bottled beers at the bar.  More alcohol, same price it’s simple economics.

Anyway, after some drunken dirty dancing I had procured a young spring breaker from Penn State who asked me to walk her back to her hotel room (wink wink).  She just so happened to be drinking Molson XXX as well.  Great, I’m thinking, Canada is awesome ay!  So we get back to her hotel room and there’s some making out, some heavy petting.  We’re laying in the bed and she’s on top of me (clothes on).  She falls asleep right on top of me.  So I have this Penn State dance team chick straddling me and she’s snoring.  Not ever being in this position before I’m laying there for a minute or two while both the Angel and Devil come out and sit on opposite shoulders telling me what they think I should do.

Luckily (or unluckily) her roommate enters the room, reads whats happening and says, “You have to leave”.  There”s no telling what would have happened had the roommate not walked in but I’m guessing if I had been unsuccessful in waking her up I would have left.  There’s way too much Catholic guilt to sort through from fondling an unconscious girl you don’t really know, plus the potential of legal action.  Your girlfriend on the other hand is completely game on for this scenario.

So the next day my friends and I decided to be consistent and once again started the night off with case of XXX.  This night we decided to partake in some of the areas finer gentleman’s clubs, eventually staggering into a place called the Sundowner.  I’d have to say this was one of the best adult entertainment venues I have ever been to but that’s not the real point of me telling you this.

Sometime around, well I don’t really remember what time it was because I was wasted, but there was a group of completely jacked new york dudes on a party bus that rolled in.  By the looks of things they were on a bachelor party, pretty standard stuff until the bachelor decided to verbally assault one of the dancers.  The bouncer asked the guy to leave but he insisted on staying.  This guy was presumably on steroids and when things began to get physical he easily overpowered the one bouncer.  Two other bouncers realized what was going on and helped to get the guy to the vestibule area of the club.

At this point one of the dancers was accidentally struck in the head and laying unconscious on the floor.  I had two strippers holding on to me for protection (like I could have done anything) and now the coked/roided up New York dude is in the hallway with his shirt off, bleeding from his head from a baton hit and smashing mirrors.  Meanwhile his cavalry arrived from the party bus and an all out brawl took place with the bouncers getting the brunt of the beatings.  I mean this shit was right out of the movie Road House, there’s chairs being broken over peoples backs, shattered glass everywhere and for a brief period of time the New York guys were winning.  That is until this biker dude showed up (must have been on call or something) and just started rocking dudes with one of those telescoping metal nightsticks.

The cops showed up and you got this roided up coked up New York dude bleeding all over the place, in handcuffs, crying and saying he didn’t do anything wrong.  Hilarious!

I tried to look up some press clippings on this fight but found nothing on the internet.  We did go back there the following year and you had to get your ID Xeroxed to get in.  Presumably because of the fight the previous year.

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Harry Kalas – Philadelphia Legend

By: Luan Zuccarello

….simply Harry

At 1:20pm on April 13th 2009 the one thing that has been constant in my life changed forever. It didn’t matter if I had a bad day, the one thing I could count on was Harry at game-time. For 162 days/nights over the course of my 27 years Harry has laughed with me and cried with me. He drank beers with me and shared a hot dog. He was there when my Dad would wake me up to catch the last inning of a ball game. He kept my grandfather and me company on hot summer days listening to the radio. He went to college with me, and got introduced to a whole new group of friends. He was there when I was in high school and would make out with my girlfriend in the basement while listening to the Phillies blow another one. In July, he would come down the shore with me and return in August. He was there through deaths, weddings, and new life. That’s what makes this man so special, and this time so hard. He was the soundtrack of our lives.

Harry was one of your buddies. He was one of the guys that sat around late drinking beers and busting balls. He was the epitome of “cool”. The man didn’t even need a last name – simply Harry. Young people, old people, and even girls knew him and loved him. He understood Philadelphia fans better than any outsider has or ever will. We opened up our hearts and lives and made him a Philadelphian, and in return Harry provided us with memory after memory.

Harry’s last memory might not be a happy one but he died the way I think all of us would want to go – doing the thing he loved most. So instead of feeling sorry and sad, lift your drink and toast our friend. Sing “High Hopes” until you lose your voice, tell stories about the time Mitchy-Poo won the game at 2am, imitate Mike Schmidt’s 500th home run, and most of all remember the times you shared with the man.

At 1:20pm on April 13th the one thing that has been constant in my life changed forever. It didn’t matter if I had a bad day, the one thing I could count on was Harry at game-time – simply Harry.