I’m an avid watcher of shows on the Discovery Channel, The History Channel, National Geographic and other knowledge dropping shows. I’m a fan of Animal Planet and other shows that put you in the middle of a Jungle or Desert and show you what happens when confronted with the dangerous creatures that inhabit them, as evidenced by a previous post on Austin Stevens Snake Master.
What a friend and I were discussing the other day while enjoying a few adult beverages was how little credit the camera man gets for their efforts.
You have these guys like Austin Stevens and Steve Irwin (previously), trotting across the globe and journeying into jungles etc. looking for the most dangerous animals on the planet and getting close enough to them to piss these animals off. All the while you see the main guy on the TV but you never really take into account what’s going on with the camera man. His life is in obvious danger too and he’s got a 50 plus pound Camera to account for as well. From a Cobra spitting venom to a charging Komodo Dragon to wading in a river filled with Piranha to just plain being in an Ocean infested with sharks, these guys are a classic case of All Guts and No Glory.
I’m wondering if there’s some sort of award that goes out to these guys for risking their lives. If there is, I’ve never heard of it and if it was recognized by a major awards show like The Oscars or The Emmy’s, it probably is given out earlier and not televised.
So here’s to you Crazy Camera Men, this Miller High Life can was schwilled in your honor.
So Luan Zuccarello and I were at McGillan’s last night to take advantage of .25 cent wings and $5 pitchers and to watch Antonio Bastardo, in his major league debut, mow down the San Diego Padres. McGillan’s is one of my favorite bars and the oldest bar in the city of Philadelphia (a post dedicated to McGillans in the future).
So we’re sitting there watching the game after eating our wings, just Muggin’ and Sluggin’ (pouring beer from a pitcher into a mug and downing that beer as fast as possible), when a girl comes up and introduces herself. She’s about 5’5”, a Philly Police Officer and after a brief introduction mentions she’s “Gay as Shit”. You might have gathered that because she looked like she could be playing catcher on a girls softball team.
The real reason she came over was to try and get us to go talk to her friend a couple of tables away that she was sitting at. Now we discussed this and it was somewhat amateur and akin to when Rudy Ruettiger (of movie Rudy fame) had to go out and try to pick up girls for his friend D-Bob, but amusing nonetheless.
There really wasn’t any way we were going to get up and chat with the girl two tables away but I did have a great conversation with the Lesbian.
I asked:
“If you were tied down in a bed and blindfolded, I was completely clean shaven and I went down and ate you out,
1) Would you know it was a man?
2) Would I get you off, considering my skills in the art of Cunnilingus?”
“Great Question”, she replied. Really didn’t offer up an answer but from the pause she took to think about it I’m pretty sure she went home and had a dream about it last night.
This is something I have just added to my life goals, right under being picked from the studio audience to compete on the Price is Right, bang a semi-attractive lesbian.
She did come back with the question, “If you were blindfolded and bound and a guy was blowing you would you know it?” I told her a blow job is a blow job and as long as the guy didn’t act like a faggot about it, it was all the same (please read the sarcasm here). The lesbian is now laughing her ass off.
This is my standard question to any lesbian I meet in a bar and is a great ice-breaker. Please share any other lesbian stories or pickup lines you may have.
Throughout mankind many questions have been asked over and over again with no right or wrong answer. One of our favorite topics of conversation, especially after a few tall frosty ones, deals with- Who is the greatest Athlete of all-time? So grab your favorite beer and join me on this journey to find the Greatest Athlete of All-Time.
Happy Birthday Jim Thorpe – born May 28th 1888 in Indian Territory (this was land the USA set aside for Native Americans). He was both Native American and European American and was raised in the faith of Roman Catholicism. He attended Carlisle Indian Industrial School where he was a 5 sport athlete and was coached by the famous Pop Warner. Thorpe participated in Track and Field, Football, Lacrosse, Baseball, and Ball Room Dancing – winning the 1912 inter-collegiate ballroom dancing championship.
Track and Field
The story goes – Thorpe had just arrived on Carlisle campus and decided to take a walk by the track. The high jumpers were practicing so Thorpe wanted to have some fun and ran up and out jumped all of them while still wearing street clothes! Jim participated in the 1912 Olympics in both the pentathlon and decathlon and if that wasn’t enough qualified for the high jump and long jump finals…. Michael Phelps who??? That’s 17 events in the manner of days – and this was way before Gatorade, HGH, and Protein Bars. He did it on plain H2O, bananas and orange slices. Thorpe won gold in both the pentathlon and decathlon, and finished 1st in 8 out of the 15 events! That is completely unheard of and a feat that will never be accomplished again.
Football
Jim Thorpe gained nationwide attention while playing for Carlisle. In 1911, he played running back, defensive back, place kicker and punter for a team that went 11-1. They even defeated Harvard (dominant football team back in the day) and he scored every point. The following year he led Carlisle to the National Collegiate Championship and along the way defeated Army. Army was led by future President Dwight Eisenhower who said about Jim “He could do anything better than any player I have ever seen”. Did I mention he was All American in both 1911 and 1912? In 1915, Thorpe signed with the Canton Bulldogs (this was after playing pro baseball for 3 years) for $250 a game – an outrageous paycheck for that time. Before his signing the Bulldogs were averaging 1200 fans a game; 8000 showed up for his debut! The man was a Rock Star! The team won championships in 1916, 1917 and 1919. Thorpe ended the 1919 championship game by kicking a 95 yard punt and pinning the opposing team on the 1 yard line. In 1920 the Canton Bull Dogs were one of the teams that joined the APFA – which would become the NFL two years later. Thorpe was elected the first president or commissioner of the APFA and made the All-NFL team in its first year of inception.
Baseball
Jim Thorpe signed with the New York baseball club in 1913 played in the outfield for 3 seasons. He barnstormed across the US and then the world drawing huge crowds. He became an unofficial ambassador of the game. Thorpe played sporadically until 1922 playing in 289 professional games – he was .252 hitter.
Basketball
In 1926 Jim, decided he would try his hand at basketball. He barnstormed with a Native American team for two years, playing against some of the top Pro teams. This part of his life is not well documented and no stats can be found.
I have provided facts not opinion about the man, the myth, the legend who was Jim Thorpe. The greatest athlete should not be based on one’s opinion of who is more agile or quick. The only way you can measure each one of these athletes against each other is on stats and records. Since when does not winning or individual/team achievement mean squat? The athletes put forth so far are just that – athletes. How can you become the greatest at something and have never won anything? Your athletic prowess should shine and be able to elevate you or your team to be #1. In 1950, an AP poll of 400 sportswriters and broadcasters voted Thorpe the greatest athlete of the first half of the 20th century. In addition, on May 27, 1999 the United States House of Representatives passed resolution 198 honoring Jim Thorpe as “America’s athlete of the century”. He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1963 and into halls of fame for college football, U.S. Olympic teams, and national track and field competition.
Thorpe’s accomplishments occurred during a period of racism and racial inequality in the United States. When Thorpe won his gold medals, not all Native Americans were even recognized as United States citizens (not until 1924). This man was Bo Jackson before Bo Jackson, he was Jackie Robinson before Jackie Robinson, and he was Michael Phelps before Michael Phelps. I could go on and on but my Fire Water has run out – Case Closed!
First of all let me say this debate is not about the most popular athlete ever, it’s the greatest athlete ever. I’ve considered athletes that play individual and team sports. Sports with balls and sports without balls. Sports that have a finish line, goal, pin, basket, plate and net. Sports that athletes throw, run, catch, shoot, tackle, swim, swing, spike, juke and pedal. I’m trying to be as objective as possible and not discount any sport. I’m not going to neglect an athlete just because they didn’t win “The Big One” because we are talking about athletic ability and especially in team sports, one person does not get you to the top of the mountain.
Merriam-Webster describes an athlete as: a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina. I am going to throw speed in there as well.
To narrow down the field I am only considering athletes that have a combination of all of these traits: speed, strength, agility and stamina. A bowler may be able to throw a strike but maybe can’t run a six minute mile, a world class weight lifter can put up 500lbs but maybe can’t run the 100m dash in under 14 seconds. A golfer may be able to hit a ball 250yrds but can’t long jump 10ft. A cyclist may be able to climb the Wall in Manyunk but can’t change direction while running as fluently as basketball or football player.
Gone from consideration are athlete’s like Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps and Lance Armstrong. Nothing to diminish their accomplishments but they are not the caliber of well rounded athlete I’m considering. I’m looking for athlete’s that could play multiple sports if they wanted to and probably did.
I truly believe that the All Time Decathlon High Scorer, Roman Šebrle (Czech Republic) could be considered the greatest athlete of all time. Traditionally, the title of “World’s Greatest Athlete” has been given to the man who wins the decathlon. 10 events which measure strength, speed, agility and endurance. However, being that IAAF changes their scoring system around every 20 years or so, some call the scoring system flawed and the fact that he’s not an American, I’m going to choose someone else.
So yes, my pick is Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders? Yes Barry Sanders. Why you ask, here’s why.
The man could change direction any which way and not only make the defender miss but make him look completely foolish. He had legs like tree trunks, could stop on a dime and start up again like no one I’ve ever seen play the game of football. Probably the most agile person I’ve ever seen run the ball. Barry clocked in with a 4.37 in the 40 yard dash at the NFL combine and while that’s not the fastest time ever, it was his quickness that made him special.
Barry not only could make a man miss, he could straight up bounce off a tackler. You would think he was stopped in the backfield and then all of a sudden Barry gets pushed 3 yards back, the defender that hit him is on the ground and Barry runs for 20 yards the other way. Barry could bowl over people as well and wriggle out of tackles. The man basically invented the spin move (the circle button on Madden).
I don’t think you will ever see a runner like Barry Sanders again. Selected to the Pro Bowl every year of his career, 2 time offensive player of the year, Co-Mvp of the 1997 season. 15 career touchdown runs of 50 yards or more, most in NFL history. The man only missed 6 games in his entire 10 year career, that’s endurance for you, especially for a guy that supposed to get hit every time he touches the ball.
Barry retired in 1999, about 1,458 yards away from breaking Walter Payton’s all time career rushing for the NFL. Not because Barry couldn’t play anymore, but because Barry was such a competitor and wanted to win so bad that he retired instead of spending another season with the last place Detroit Lions (some things don’t change). Sanders could have easily played 3 or 4 more years.
To put it into perspective Payton needed 3 more years to get the 1,500 more yards and Emmit Smith played 5 more years to get 3,000 more yards than Barry. No one else in the NFL Hall of Fame has a higher per carry average than Sanders (5ypc) except Jim Brown (5.2ypc).
He set 34 NCAA records during his 1988 Heisman Campaign, over 2,600 yards and 39 touchdowns.
During an NBA Slam Dunk contest, Sanders dunked, flat footed and he’s 5’9”.
I could go on and on about this guy, but one of the greatest things about him (in my eyes) is that he never spiked a football. He never did a dance in the endzone. For as good as he was he wasn’t a showboat. He brought his hardhat to work, did his job and went home. There’s something to be said about that in an era when you got more press for your endzone antics then your play on the field sometimes.
Anyway, you don’t have to agree with me but the guy has everything an athlete needs, speed, power, endurance and probably one of the most agile human beings ever.
Anybody’s opinion about the G.O.A.T. (athlete version) can be twisted any number of ways depending on what a person values in an athlete, and the debate about it will rarely be tame because of the glut of great choices, biases based on team/player loyalties, and the inevitable fact that you probably are 10-12 alcoholic bevvies deep before it gets brought up. So while I won’t quibble with anyone else’s choice, because lining up behind LeBron, Lance, Usain, Michael, or Tiger is a good place to be, I am gonna throw out my own pick for lots of reasons I’ll get into later in this piece right now- Bo MutherFucking Jackson.
First, lets establish that this debate has a ‘Men Only’ sign on the door. Meaning absolutely no disrespect, I’ll say a woman has no shot in this debate, and that should be obvious. That’s not to say that a woman can’t be better than a man at something sports related- obviously that’s true- but when you are talking the best of the best, it’s no contest. There are certain physical limitations that a woman can’t overcome- build, muscle mass, and height to name a couple. That’s why there are women’s records and women’s sports. Show me a sports record held by a woman, and I’ll show you one that guys don’t give a rats patoot about.
Next, lets establish that I don’t regard career statistics in any sport as a good measure of how great an athlete you are or were. The fact that Bo isn’t in the NFL or MLB HOF means nothing to me in that regard. I don’t rank Hank Aaron as one of the top athletes of all time just because he held the home run record. That fact alone, and this applies to any number of people with career type records like Roger Clemens, Nolan Ryan, or Dan Marino, among many others- does not qualify you in my book. Those kinds of achievements, although mostly held by world class athletes for sure, can be won through mental toughness, luck, lack of competition, or endurance. It’s kind of like saying that Danielle Steele is a better writer than Charles Dickens because she wrote more books than he did, or that Jamie Moyer is a better pitcher than Sandy Koufax was because he has got almost a hundred more wins. Quality over quantity people. Further, I think statistical achievements are devalued because they are obtainable by lesser talents- Kevin Millwood threw a no-hitter, and Dustin Pedroia won the AL MVP last year.
Third, I think a dominating physical presence from an early age is important. I don’t want to here about Mike Jordan getting cut from his basketball team in high school, or any such nonsense like a guy that flourished once he hit a certain level of competition, like Tom Brady. The G.O.A.T. didn’t get draft in the 3rd round- Joe Montana, I’m looking at you. I don’t want to hear about guys who ‘found the right coach/trainer’, or ‘found God’, or ‘found their mental focus’. The G.O.A.T. is a guy who has dominated at every level that people can remember- a child prodigy, a high school God, and a undeniable force in college and/or professional sports. He was born with it, and he didn’t need anyone to drag it out of him.
Next, the G.O.A.T should show a versatility beyond the reach of mere mortals. He doesn’t excel at a skill he practices obsessively- he excels immediately at whatever sport, game, or feat is thrown at him. Throw out any pitcher or goalie right away- they don’t even play all aspects of their respective sports. He can’t be a great power hitter who was/is unable to hit for average. He has got to be fast, quick, and strong all in the same package. He can’t be a quarterback who can’t run, or a WR who can’t go over the middle. He is not Randy Moss. He makes a joke of combine workouts- he is called one of the best draft prospects ever.
Finally, the G.O.A.T. must be the stuff of legends. You’ve heard about him, seen him on YouTube, and past teammates and friends swear he’s the best that ever lived. People tell tales of catching flys with bare hands, running down rabbits in an open field when they were 10 years old. Specifically, he breaks his bat over his knee in a major league game. He catches fly balls with his bare hand, and he runs literally up and down an outfield wall. He annilihates Brian Bosworth on MNF and ruins his career almost singlehandedly. he is unstoppable in video games, and the depth of his legend inspires Paul Bunyan like stories, stories that can’t possibly be true, but you wonder, and maybe even wish, that they might be.
So all that being said, lets review Bo Jackson’s athletic career in regards to the requirements that I set forth above.
He was the first athlete to be named to the All-Star game in two professional sports- Baseball and Football. Can you imagine someone doing that in the internet age? The man would be a sensation, a bazillionaire on the level of Tiger and LeBron. Adrian Peterson is great, but does he have to skip training camp because he is playing an All Star right field through September in the majors? I think not. Starting in high school, the guy was out of this world ridiculous. He rushed for 1,175 yards as a running back as a high school senior and hit twenty home runs in twenty-five games for the baseball team during his senior season. That’s not all folks: he was also a two-time state champion in the decathlon. Yes, you read that right. The Yankees drafted him out of high school but decided to go to Auburn, where he won the Heisman in 1985 while putting up a career average of 6.6 yards a carry. Fuck, man. 6.6. yards a carry. In his spare time he hit .401 for the baseball team and qualified for the US Olympic team in the 100 yard dash. Seriously, the dude was fast. He ran an insane 4.12 40 yard dash, still considered the fastest verifiable 40 time at an NFL Combine. He was drafted No. 1 overall in the NFL Draft, but chose to play baseball, where he did all sorts of crazy shit. He hit home runs in 4 consecutive at bats in 1990- the 4th in his first at bat off the DL. He won the All Star game MVP with a 450 foot bomb of a home run, and continually did things no one else cold even consider doing: throwing the ball to home plate on the fly to get a runner from the warning track flat footed, hitting a home run on a pitch where he was trying to call a time out. The list goes on and on…and that’s only baseball. He averaged 5.4 yards a carry in his NFL career (5.4!), and that coming off full baseball seasons. He ran for 221 yards on MNF 29 carries into his NFL career. We all know that he had the hip injury that pretty much ended his career(s), but even in injury he was amazing: In an interview on Untold, his Royals’ teammate George Brett, who attended the game where he was injured, said he asked the trainer what had happened to Bo. The trainer replied “Bo says he felt his hip come out of the socket, so he popped it back in, but that’s just impossible, no one’s that strong.” Sounds like the stuff of legends, if you ask me. So now he’s injured, and his career is pretty much over- but he actually had his hip replaced and still was able to come back to MLB and win the AL comeback player of the year award, hitting a home run in his first at bat back. Seriously. Just for kicks, he also dabbled in basketball after he got his new hip, playing for a semi-pro team. If you think the last paragraph sounds like the description of a legend, a myth, or a movie character, that is exactly my point. except it’s all true.
So a lot of my friends have asked me what Twitter is. That’s all you ever hear about nowadays, Twitter, Tweet’s, Twats. “You’re a computer guy, you should know this stuff”, they say.
From what I’ve read, it’s a mico-blogging tool. Where BeerSlugger.com is a blog and has no real limit on the amount of text, Twitter has a post limit on characters that is about the same as a text message (SMS). You can actually Twitter (effectively post text to your account and have it show up on the website) from your phone using Text messages so that I’m guessing comes in handy on the go. Though if I wanted to I could post something to BeerSlugger.com from my Blackberry (I’m a one upper). I’m not sure what is so important that you couldn’t wait to go home and post on a regular blog or website but I guess if everyone else is jumping off a bridge I should too.
Anyway, I’m hip, I’m cool, I know who the Jonas Brothers are and I use Twitter.
Eventually I’ll try and incorporate the Twitter into the BeerSlugger.com once i figure out what I can use it for besides sending messages while in the bathroom. Preliminary ideas include segments called “Toilet Talk” and “Droppin’ Knowledge While Dropping A Deuce”.
There is a fine line from being a stalker creep to being a cute, hopeless, romantic. Everyone knows this outside of the exception, the real creeper who calls non-stop, will not take no for an answer, is talking marriage after two weeks, and is writing you Irish country songs with your name in the lyrics (true story, really). Well anyway, after having this conversation about a personal issue with a couple of my attractive female friends this is what I came up with. . . It is really all about your looks, which is just not fair.
I might as well give you the background story. Last Saturday night I was at a family party at a restaurant with about 25 people. Throughout the night a server/waitress (pick your poison) caught my eye. A cute girl about 5’2, beautiful black hair, slender build, with light eyes and light skin. Anyone who knows me and my taste in women knows that I have a soft spot for Irish girls with light eyes and light skin. Anyway, throughout the night, I had several engaging conversations with the server, well, as engaging as you can get with a room full of 25 nosy relatives. Our final conversations lasted about 10 minutes when we discussed several things, mostly the fact that we share the same alma mater. Anyway, I could not find the opportune time to get her number. I was not throwing it out there in front of my family. The risk of embarrassment was much too great. I would never live it down from my younger cousins and sisters if I got “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” Also, by that time of the night I could not get her alone anywhere in the restaurant because all of the servers were conversing, finishing up their side work.
So. . . that leaves me with a dilemma, How do I get this girl’s number? Usually, I would not care and would let this girl go but something about the combination of Server Chick’s looks and personality wants me to get to know her. That led to this conversation and the topic of this article. How can I attempt to get this girl’s number without looking like a creeper. This could go wrong on so many levels. 1) She could tell me I’m a creep; 2) She could tell everyone she knows I’m a creep, which might eventually get back to me or someone I know; 3) She could have a boyfriend that tries to beat my ass or embarrasses me. (I could be wrong but I usually have a good gauge if a girl has a boyfriend but its not perfect. It is comparable to some girls having gaydar, I am pretty good at boyfriend-dar or something like that.)
Well anyway, the plan I came up with goes like this. Buy a thank you card, write her some witty, funny, cute note, and insert my number telling her to call or text me. I have to throw in text because I do not want her to think I am completely spineless and giving the option of her shooting me her number, allowing me to call her back. I weighed several options and this seemed the best. I ran it by two of my good girl friends Mandy, and the Artist Formerly Known as HR chick, now known as Peaches. Mandy and Peaches both approved and said if I was right and the girl had interest, it may be my best bet at this juncture. I made a point to say “Are you sure I don’t look like a creeper?”
That’s when Peaches gave me a great analogy. She said “no, you don’t look like John Goodman.” This went over my head and I asked her to explain. She said “look buddy, do you think if John Cusak’s character in “Say Anything” was not good looking it would not have been creepy instead of cute when he showed up at “Ione Sky’s” house in the middle of the night blasting a boombox.” Good point right. She went on further “Don’t you think if John Goodman was the John with the boombox, the cops would have been there in less than five minutes tackling his ass.” Wow, amazing you hit this one on the head.
I thought about this notion and decided that the difference between being creepy and romantic is not fair, it really comes down to looks. Essentially, since I’m not ugly so I may be able to get away with the thank you move, but if I was obese or had some type of deformity, which made me look like “Shrek,” I would be fucked. Sometimes life is not fair, which is bullshit.
The older I get the more I realize why some people do internet dating. I use to bash people who participated and have ripped on several of my friends who have done it but I get it. Some people just do not want to put up with this shit anymore. They just want to act the way they want without being characterized. Obviously, if you have read some of my previous posts I am not one of those people and rather do things the fun, awkward way. It is sick but I actually enjoy it, which I guess puts me in a minority.
I guess this also works the same way for women. As a guy, reluctantly I have to admit, I give better looking girls more leeway than ugly or mediocre girls. If I am dating a hot girl I let her get away with more, annoy me more, so on and so forth. Once a mediocre girl with a good personality gives me one too many phone calls, gets clingy, or forgets checkout time from my place on Sundays is 11am, she gets automatically 86’d from my Blackberry.
This just really is not fair on either side and I really do not fore see an answer to this problem. I wish I had a better solution but I don’t. I’ll write a follow-up article on the results of Server Chick.
To Be Continued. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Swarthmore College – Where the Freaks Come Out at Night
Sorry for the delay in writing this article. I had an insanely busy week and a half and just did not have the time. The free time I had last week, I got bombed. Sometimes, writing for beerslugger.com has to take a back seat to actually slugging beers.
Well anyway the #2 worst school to party at in the Philadelphia area is Swarthmore College. This place is an absolute freak show. In my introductory article, I made a point to rip on the French painter look that so many Drexel males sport. Swarthmore has a whole school of these wacks. Guys dress like they have not showered in six days, have ridiculous beards, and wear disgusting clothes. They want to show the world who they are, that they are the societal norm, and want to tell you all about it. Girls at Swarthmore are weird as shit, who, majority of the time, dress like hippies with massive khaki pants to match their greasy hair. My theory is that they are already ugly and by rocking this look they can give the excuse “they are who they are and this is how they like to look.” Ok whatever, there are hot hippies. . . remember Jenny from “Forrest Gump?”. . . Smoking hot.
Alright, I get it. It is another one of those trendy Liberal Arts colleges like Haverford that boast about how intellectually superior it is compared to the rest of the minions that reside in the United States. This campus reminds me of the movie “PCU,” minus the protests. A bunch of over-opinionated circus freaks who want to put their stamp on life while looking like a homeless person who sleeps under the overpass on 6th and Callowhill Streets.
Swarthmore College usually will make national headlines for some academic reason but it did make news in the late 1990s for an athletic story. The school lost a record, 28 straight football games. The Swarthmore Garnet Tide is actually ranked as the 6th worst football team in United States history by ESPN. In 1999, Swarthmore broke the three year streak against Oberlin College, who is ranked as the 5th worst college by ESPN. This game was dubbed “The game someone had to win.” Classic, what losers…Well anyway, after 122 years, Swarthmore’s football team was disbanded in 2000, the year after its historic win, as the school cited lowering admission standards to let in football players as the reason. Really, this school could use 50 or so football players to whip the French painters asses until they shaved their beards. Honestly, the football team of 50 or so people would only make up a little more than 3% of its student body of approximately 1,500. Every other school in America lowers it standards for athletes, (especially football players) why should Swarthmore act out? Because the school is above you or so it thinks. What a bunch of assholes. Also, the team sucked, how much lower was it dropping the admission standards? Something smells if you ask me. . . I think there is a conspiracy afoot.What does this have to do about Swarthmore’s social scene? Not that much really, I am just trying to make a point. When a school disbands the catalyst to parties, a football team, it obviously is on a different planet.
Ok, to get to the partying. . . Well, its on-campus parties are lame unless you want to sip scotch whisky, smoke a bone, and read poetry of your favorite literary genre. It is pointless to name authors because every one of the opinionated freaks has his own favorite author and genre and will give you a hundred reasons why. I know I am not giving a fair shake to all the students at Swarthmore. I know some students with some sense of reality do attempt to throw small parties in their dorms and apartments. For those students I give them credit for making the best of a terrible situation. Find the few people you like, get wasted, and screw among the group. In the end, you will eventually leave the place with an excellent education and you can go on to a cool grad or professional school and live like a real college student.
What distinguishes this school from Haverford, Penn, Drexel, and the Universities of Arts and Sciences is the lack of off-campus places to hang out. Swarthmore itself is dry. Yes, you heard me, the whole town is dry. There is nowhere to go to drink or even buy a case of beer. Also, Swarthmore is located in Delaware County, not within 20 minutes of any real social hub. The Main Line, which has a nightlife I have already ripped, is more than 20 minutes away. Center City Philadelphia is about 30 minutes away. Conshohocken and King of Prussia are also about 25 minutes from Swarthmore. I guess the Swarthmore students could frequent the same establishments as Widener students but I just cannot see it. I cannot picture a Swarthmore hippie rocking Dewar’s on the rocks at a Mac Dade Boulevard bar in Delaware County jamming to top 40 music or classic rock. I cannot picture a French Painter grinding up his girl who is in desperate need of shampoo and makeup at Bootleggers, listening to “Lima Bean Riot” cover “Fall Out Boy.” Sorry, if I am wrong, by all means comment. (The Haverford girls did but failed to get the point. I will explain further in a follow up article.)
Really, you could argue that no one actually goes to Swarthmore to party, students go there to be a hippie intellect. Well, even though I gave Penn a pass for essentially the same reason, it is an Ivy League institution, is located in Philadelphia, and is a cab ride away to any hot spot in the city. Swarthmore is just a freak show with no outs. No on-campus parties, no off-campus bashes, and not a decent bar within twenty minutes. After reading this, you are probably wondering what school could be worse than this place.
I’m at the beer distributorwith Zaccurulo and we’re deciding on what case of beer to get wasted on. We see a sign for this Flying Fish ESB Ale in the front of the store for $20.00 and 2 free flying fish glasses. It wasn’t cold so we went and looked in the freezer for it and asked one of the workers if they had another case of it or if all the Flying Fish was on special. He said that the flying fish in the front of the store was past the born on date by a couple of days and that’s why it was on special.
That gets me to thinking whether or not most of the “on sale/special” beer is close to or past it’s born on date? The difference between a regular case of Flying Fish and the “on special” Flying Fish ESB was over $10. Eventually we compromised and got the ESB and the two free pint glasses.
At 5.5%abv they sneak up on you and after 4 or 5 you get a pretty good buzz on. It’s got some bite to it but still drinks like an ale. Which for me means schwilling them back with no regard for work in the morning. I’m not sure if I was hungover or still drunk when I woke up.
I made my signature macaroni and cheese with ground beef, onions and green peppers but this time added some spaghetti and hot sauce to it. One of the most amazing drunk foods ever invented. Eventually I’ll put the recipe on here.
This ESB is a classic British extra special bitter made fresh with an American slant. A beautiful copper color with an amber head, this classic style features five different malts, including imported English malts, and three hop varieties. The rich malty start features caramel notes that develop into a smooth, pleasurable hop finish.
Malts: Two-row pale, Munich, Aromatic, and English Medium Crystal. Hops: Magnum, Fuggles, Yakima Golding Yeast: English Ale Original Gravity: 14.3 Plato Alcohol by volume: 5.5% Formats: 12 oz. bottles,1/2 kegs, 1/6 kegs, cask-conditioned Availability: Year round
Ok so apparently Pepsi is rolling out a version called Throwback, which will replace High Fructose Corn Syrup with actual real sugar. Both Pepsi and Pepsi owned Mountain Dew have introduced a throwback version.
While I have not yet tried either of these throwback versions I can already surmise that I will like it 10 to 15 times better than than their counterparts.
Going back to one of my earlier posts when i ripped into artificial sweeteners I guess I failed to realize that Coke, Pepsi and probably 99 percent of other main stream soda pop’s are made with High Fructose Corn Syrup. While High Fructose Corn Syrup is obviously not sugar as I had seemed to convey in the article, I going to stick with my guns and tell you that High Fructose Corn Syrup is still better for you than these other artificial sweeteners in diet soda. Yes I am a doctor and a scientist so I know about these things.
I have heard it’s kind of hard to find these Throwback sodas, i don’t think they are available in your works soda machine. A friend tells me that Philadelphia Based Mitchell & Ness (of throwback sports jersey fame) does carry the designer soda in the store to go along with the Throwback motif.
One cool thing I have seen is that Snapple Iced Teas and Juices are moving to all sugar. They are ditching the high Fructose Corn Syrup entirely. That’s very different from what Pepsi Co. is offering as a limited release and sticking with the HFCS. I think you really have to commend Snapple on what they’re doing.
I have read that switching to real sugar as opposed to using High Fructose can be slightly more costly to produce and therefore a higher cost to the consumer. While most things are going up these days i think that raising the price of soda and making it healthier (i.e. real sugar) is a win-win for the consumer. People drink less soda and the soda they do drink is better for them. Though in contrast, less soda sold is bad for Coke and Pepsi Co and jobs may be lost. As always action and reaction.
By: Billy BeerSlugger
By: Luan Zuccarello
By: Billy BeerSlugger
By: Billy BeerSlugger 
By: Billy BeerSlugger