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The Things We Leave Behind

200121291-001By: Billy BeerSlugger

You know everyone goes through breakups in their life, some are more amicable than others.  Sometimes you end up getting back together with that person but more often than not you broke up for a reason.

You may have went through the stage in the breakup where you are either asking for or returning stuff that your former significant other had possession of; Clothes, furniture etc.  What often gets overlooked is the more raunchy of items you may have left behind, more specifically for the guy: Condoms.

There’s nothing really worse than leaving a fresh box of condoms at your ex’s place pre-breakup.  With everything that is going on between you two at the time it’s easy to forget about those little guys in the drawer of the nightstand next to her bed.  When you do get around to remembering about them there’s usually a standard response…. “FUCK”.

I gotta say I’ve been subjected to this situation a couple of times in my travels and it never puts a smile on your face knowing you just paid $18 for the family pack of prophylactics just to make it convenient for the rebound guy to bang your ex.

Plus it’s not like you can ask for those condoms back.  I mean you can but you’re probably not getting them back and if you do there’s definitely going to be less condoms in the box then you left there even if it’s just her fucking with your head.  The best move is to pretend they don’t exist and quietly be pissed off about it.

What’s worse is if you get back with the girl (even if only for a brief period) and end up going to bed with her, those rubbers, the ones you bought are gone or severely depleted.  The good news is that the last guy may have left a couple for you to return the favor.

These are some things to think about after you’ve just went through a breakup or are just starting to see this new girl who magically has condoms by her bedside. Someone buys the condoms and i’d say 98% of the time it’s not the girl.

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A Baseball game? For a First Date? You must be kidding.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

When did it become en vouge to take a girl as a date to a Phillies game?  If this was 2003 and you asked a girl to go to the Phillies game with you instead of the old dinner/drinks/movie routine the girl would probably look at you like you’re out of your mind.  Kind of like getting your wife a bowling ball for her birthday.

I was perusing a dating website today while nursing a pretty bad hangover and every other girl listed a Phillies game as some place they would like to go to on a first date.  I think up until about a two years ago girls viewed baseball as extremely boring and one of the last places they would want to be on a hot summer night would be a baseball stadium.

So what happened? The Phillies win the World Series and all of a sudden a Phillies game becomes a preferred place for a date?  I’ll admit it’s a lot more exciting when the Phils are winning instead of toiling in the basement but why does that factor into a woman’s decision to now want to go to a baseball game?  I don’t get it.

Now I know that some girls really do like to go to ballgame’s no matter what place the phils are in but it’s few and far between.    I think you may have seen this same phenomenon in the early 2000’s when the Sixers were competitive.  Girls wanted to go to Sixers game to see Allen Iverson and the Philles do have some stars on their team now that women want to go out and see.  But ask a girl to go to a Sixers game now and she may think you’re crazy.

Am I the only one who’s noticed this?

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Texts From Last Night

By: Billy BeerSlugger

You know I was originally enthralled at the time wasting entertainment website called textsfromlastnight.com.  I would go on there and have a good laugh about text messages of drunken adventures and other generally comical happenings.

However, something clicked inside my head recently that I’m pretty sure I’m not going to follow TFLN as closely anymore and it’s not because I want to stop wasting time and be more productive or any crap like that.

I think I’m a little aghast at peering inside the text messages of girls talking to their girlfriends.  Man jokes like ” I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina” and “Her vagina looked like Bernie Madoff ” are hilarious to me.  I get them because I’m a man and this is the way I also think.  I’ve been on the sending and receiving end of these kinds of texts and my friends and I get a good chuckle out of them.  The text messages about drunken behavior not remembered by the person who did it is funny regardless of sex.

However, what I can’t look past anymore is the glimpse into Girls talking to other girls about what slutty situation precluded getting jizz in her hair or how they have to get a pregnancy test or how big their crap was.  Some things it’s better that men just aren’t privy to.

Now I know the HBO series Sex and the City kind of broke barriers in terms of the new millennium “Girl Talk” and ushered in a sort of sexual revolution where it’s a little more socially accepted for women to be a little promiscuous.  I’m not against girls getting what they want, sexually or otherwise but I’d rather not read or hear about the more disgusting and pig-like scenarios of the gender that is supposed to be better than men in that department.  I talked to a couple of girls and they say that they talk sort of like men when we’re not around.  A little more raunchy, a little less reserved, a little more Sex and the City.

So this brings me back to my revelation about textsfromlastnight.com the other day and why I’m semi-boycotting it.  All these girls and all their slutty stories about getting jizz in their hair and banging random dudes and broken moral compasses just make me sad. WHY?  Because someone is going to marry these girls, one of these girls I may date unsuspectingly.  It makes me a little angry to think that if I ever do get married, some douchebag could be roasting my future wife at this very moment and the funny story from it I could be reading on textsfromlastnight.com in my not so free time.  Who’s laughing then?

It may be a little bit hypocritical to like the guy sex stories and hate the girl sex stories but I just expect better out of women…. and if you’re a woman, you should too.

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“Under the Boardwalk… We’ll be fallin in love”.

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The Snozberries taste like Snozberries

By: Billy BeerSlugger

What is it about the shore that makes women get loose?  Is it the sea air, the salt water, the extended exposure to the sun?

There’s verifiable scientific evidence that girls get a little more rowdy, make out and spread their legs a little easier at the beach.

Does sand and sun give a girl the license to slut it up a little bit? To be fair, men seem to go through the same phenomenon but being that there is a terrible double standard that occurs when it comes to men and women being promiscuous, we’ll focus on the women, because they are ultimately the ones that have to agree to fornication.

Can some girls clue me into what’s going on here?  You know you’re not as apt to get crazy at a bar in Philly as you are in Sea Isle or Avalon or if you’re white trash, Wildwood.  Does being on a beach all day looking at scantily clad people peak your sex drive?  Does the beach hold mystical powers? Does the same lunar force that moves the ocean tide also make panties drop a little easier?

I’m convinced something is going on besides the level of inebriation.  Even the the “Mom” friend that usually won’t leave the bar without ALL her girls is more apt to allow a girlfriend to be kidnapped by a good enough looking man as well as get laid out on her back later on that night by a stranger.

Whatever it is… Thank You GOD!

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The Animal Kingdom

By: Billy BeerSlugger

As you may or may not know, I’m a huge fan of Animal Planet, The Discovery Channel and a host of other shows involving nature and animals.  There’s a lot you can learn from these shows and to tell you the truth, the food chain and how animals lower on the food chain then humans get their food is astonishing to me.

That so called “civilized” societies get their food from a grocery store and not the ever shrinking wilderness is a stark contrast to how things were just a couple hundred years ago. It’s nice to see that the Animal Kingdom is still ever reliant on nature for it’s food.

Wild Animals do it old school. They hunt. You don’t see a Bear going into 7-11 and buying a Salmon Slurpee or a Lion going into the Supermarket and roaring at the butcher for 10 pounds of Zebra fillets to throw on his grill. Not happening.  I ofter wonder, if our food supply suddenly was interrupted for an extended period of time how many people would die from just not knowing how the hell to acquire and cook food.  I’m not talking about foraging for canned food in an abandoned mini-mart, I’m talking about catching fish, hunting wild animals and planting/tending to your own fruits and vegetables like our ancestors.  A real life “Lost” scenario minus the parachuted food, hatches and electricity.  Do you think you would survive?

Anyway, that’s what goes on in my head when I’m not thinking about blow jobs or pizza or getting a blow job while eating pizza.  Here’s some animals that actually have to work for their food.

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Wisdom From A Bathroom Wall

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I was drunk when I took this picture.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I did Center City Sipps yesterday. Went to Ladder 15, was never there before but it seemed like an OK crowd, lots of trim. Apparently there’s an upstaris bar as well which i checked out briefly. Overall I give the place a B-. I would have gone C+ but the bartender’s uniforms are quite lovely.

Anyway, over a couple of “Ladder Beers” or whatever was on special besides Bud Light I had a discussion with my friend about the art of making out in a bar. I had expeditiously downed about 5 beers before this conversation started and I was convinced I could find a sled dog to play tonsil hockey with. Though in my inebriation I had forgotten it was 6:15 PM and still light out for at least 2 hours. At this point my friend and I came to the conclusion that it is near impossible to make out with a girl that you don’t know during happy hour. I’m known for making out in bars and even I was not going to try this out. Of course this rule is completely thrown out the window if you are on vacation or at the shore. I’m lucky I didn’t re-acquire Mono after so many No Shower Happy Hour dance floor make out sessions in Sea Isle last year.

That being said, I eventually moseyed over to one of my favorite bars in the city, Oscar’s which was located on the same block of Samson street. While relieving myself in the bathroom I discovered this little nugget of wisdom, “No Matter How Hot She Is, Some Guy is Tired of Her Shit“. Some of the truer words i’ve ever seen scribbled on the wall of a bathroom stall.

You’ve been there, walking down the street and a gorgeous girl walks by or at a bar and see a girl being hounded for attention by a horde of horny men. She’s gorgeous, there’s no denying that, however, she’s also using these good looks as leverage against the man (men) in her life to get what she wants. So you walk by her and wish you could be with her while the guy she’s dating is going insane putting up with all the baggage that a really hot girl entails.

Kind of puts things into perspective.

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The Status

By: Billy BeerSlugger

It’s 2:33am on Sunday morning and I thought I’d talk a little bit about status.  This isn’t the kind that is perceived or inferred, it’s the kind of status you give yourself.  What I’m talking about is the status on your Facebook, MySpace or whatever means you’re using for your social networking these days.  I didn’t include Twitter because I’m not sure there is a status associated with Tweets, but whatever and who’s counting.

The point is, if your girlfriend (or boyfriend) voluntarily changes their social network status after a verbal disagreement to anything besides “It’s complicated”, IT’S OVER. Don’t call her, don’t write her, don’t IM her, don’t text message her, don’t write her a song on the guitar, don’t email her mother, just don’t do anything. You will save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.

No self respecting person would announce to the digital world that she is now single without talking it over with you first, unless of course you beat her.  If you come across this situation please pick up your dignity off the floor, go home, put on a Coldplay album and cry and masturbate until you fall asleep.  I promise the sun will come up tomorrow and things will get progressively better.  Do commit yourself to the obvious truth though that, IT’S OVER.

With all the means of communication nowadays, it’s gotten a lot easier to break up with someone and not physically have to face them to do it.  As much bullshit as I’ve pulled in my life I never thought about breaking up with a girl over a social network or email or text message and I’ve done some pretty inexcusable shit.

That being said, if this happens to you, you gotta write it off as a loss.  If it had to end non-face to face then that should definitely tell you something about what kind of person you were dating.  And if you find yourself in the position of getting into an argument with your significant other, don’t play the status game either.  Leave your social network status alone until your figure out what the hell is going on.  Don’t make any hasty moves chief, because once the status is changed, it’s over.  You can’t take back a status change.

It’s funny to see actually.  A person triumphantly announcing to the world that they’re single again after a breakup.  This person will inevitably receive messages from friends and would be suitors ranging from, “Oh my god what happened?” to “I’m glad your single, can I take you out for a drink”.  Probably altering their profile to reflect the new period in life they are excitedly about to embark on.

Breakup’s are tough but when life gives you lemons you gotta make lemonade.  Just make sure to pour a whole lot of vodka in that lemonade.

Note: I fell asleep writing this on the kitchen table after a bar trip, sorry for the lack of congruence in times.

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Lesbians, What’s Up?

Watercolour painting by Achille Devéria
Watercolour painting by Achille Devéria

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So Luan Zuccarello and I were at McGillan’s last night to take advantage of .25 cent wings and $5 pitchers and to watch Antonio Bastardo, in his major league debut, mow down the San Diego Padres.  McGillan’s is one of my favorite bars and the oldest bar in the city of Philadelphia (a post dedicated to McGillans in the future).

So we’re sitting there watching the game after eating our wings, just Muggin’ and Sluggin’ (pouring beer from a pitcher into a mug and downing that beer as fast as possible), when a girl comes up and introduces herself.  She’s about 5’5”, a Philly Police Officer and after a brief introduction mentions she’s “Gay as Shit”.  You might have gathered that because she looked like she could be playing catcher on a girls softball team.

The real reason she came over was to try and get us to go talk to her friend a couple of tables away that she was sitting at.  Now we discussed this and it was somewhat amateur and akin to when Rudy Ruettiger (of movie Rudy fame) had to go out and try to pick up girls for his friend D-Bob, but amusing nonetheless.

There really wasn’t any way we were going to get up and chat with the girl two tables away but I did have a great conversation with the Lesbian.

I asked:

“If you were tied down in a bed and blindfolded, I was completely clean shaven and I went down and ate you out,

1) Would you know it was a man?

2) Would I get you off, considering my skills in the art of Cunnilingus?”

“Great Question”, she replied.  Really didn’t offer up an answer but from the pause she took to think about it I’m pretty sure she went home and had a dream about it last night.

This is something I have just added to my life goals, right under being picked from the studio audience  to compete on the Price is Right, bang a semi-attractive lesbian.

She did come back with the question, “If you were blindfolded and bound and a guy was blowing you would you know it?”  I told her a blow job is a blow job and as long as the guy didn’t act like a faggot about it, it was all the same (please read the sarcasm here).  The lesbian is now laughing her ass off.

This is my standard question to any lesbian I meet in a bar and is a great ice-breaker.  Please share any other lesbian stories or pickup lines you may have.

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That’s Someone’s Daughter

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I just read this article on ABC.com and watched the video, entitled Teens: Oral Sex and Casual Prostitution No Biggie. It talks about how a blow job is the new new good night kiss.  Pre-teen girls are trading sexual favors to stay in relationships, for money and for clothing/accessories.  And these girls don’t think there’s anything really wrong with it.

They apparently come from middle to upper class family’s as well which makes things a little more intriguing, usually it’s the poorer girls that become whorish at an earlier age.  I can remember being at an 8th grade birthday party where a group of girls around the ages of 11-13, told me they were blowing dudes and having sex before their parents came home from work.  All the while I’m thinking, “Why can’t” this be me?”.

I don’t know what took Good Morning America so long to report on this subject but it’s at least 10 years over due.  Now it’s common knowledge that young girls tend to date men who are a little older then them.  Whether it’s because they have a car or because they can buy alcohol or because they have a lot more money then their male counterparts of lesser age.  Since these younger girls are dating slightly more mature or experienced guys, they tend to do try to go the extra mile to try to impress them and be kept around.  “Yeah sure I’ll take my shirt off while drunk at this party”.  “Sure I’ll have sex with you and your friend tonight.”.  Though if there’s one thing these girls have right is that a girl who gives it up (whatever it may be) isn’t going to be at a loss for company on the weekends.

Not that I was privy to the cool chicks banging me at an early age, but i’ve seen my fair share of crazy shit in college.  Freshman girls move into the dorms and for the first semester or so view it as an extension of Senior Week.  Girls walking around in a frat house naked after hours, taking off clothes,throwing them and making out with other girls during the party, a group of guys (including the Chapter Advisor) just sitting around watching a girl finger herself.   Topless Tuesdays, Nitrous Nensdays.  My friend and I had a saying when we would see some girl doing some completely outlandish shit, “That’s someone’s daughter.“.

This type of behavior can continue to occur even after college.  My friend just informed me that he banged a girl who is in his shore house over the weekend, then she proceeded to bang another guy and have a three-some with that guy and another.  Apparently she left a note telling the housemates she was sorry for her actions and she would not be back this summer.  I can only imagine what the note said, “If you’re reading this, you already know.  I banged 3 dudes inside of 48 hours and I can no longer show my face in this house”.

There is though the double standard.  If a guy had roasted 3 girls in 48 hours he’d get a pat on the back and an “atta’ boy”.

I think the point I’m trying to make is that kids have and will continue to do whatever the hell it is they want to do (and what MTV tells them).  In light of the society we live in kids will continue to have sex in their pre-teens given they watch enough Beverly Hills 90210 or Gossip Girl or whatever teenaged show where the crux of a couple episodes a season is whether or not a main female character will have sex/lose their virginity.  There probably is a lot of social pressure for a young girl to get down to business as well.

Inevitably a girl has to get royally screwed over to realize they need to grow up and not just do crazy shit to impress some jerk off guys or trade sex to be in a relationship.  I’m guessing girls that have sex earlier, realize the need to get more mature in their sexuality earlier.  Though they will be labeled a whore in high school they have a chance to re-invent themselves in college.  Either way kids are growing up faster then our parents ever dreamed of.  I just wish I was getting Hum-Jums when I was 11.