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From the Obvious Department

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I’m doing my morning reading and came across two completely and utterly obvious articles on The Huffington Post.

1) Adam Lambert is GAY: Wow, you needed to read a Rolling Stone article to point this out to you.  I don’t watch the American Idol but I’m kinda sure I knew this dude was gay when I was flipping through the Channel’s one night. I’m not saying all dudes that wear eye makeup are homosexual, I’m just saying that you are at the very least Bi-Sexual or an Emo-rocker that was molested as a child.

I don’t know why these people don’t come out before and tell the American Idol audience they’re gay.  There’s got to be a couple million gay people that would vote for him just for being gay.  Of course then you have the 8 year old asking her Mom or Dad, “What’s Gay?”.  I guess I see why they wait until after the show.

2) Apparently Chef Gordon Ramsey is an Asshole: You have got to be fucking kidding me.  This guy, an asshole? I don’t think there’s been a nicer person out there since Mary Poppins.  I mean this guy is the epitome of a well mannered even keeled guy.

Seriously, again, did I need to even read a headline to find out something as obvious as Gordon Ramsey is a dick? SHOCKER! It’s common knowledge at this point.

In the article it says he called some woman a pig and a lesbian at a Wine Tasting in Australia.  Is this really that far off from what he does on his Cooking shows?

I’ve worked in restaurants and head chef’s can be a little rough on the kitchen and front of house staff but never have I seen an actual chef go off like this dude.  Berating people, making fun of their appearance etc. I still do not understand why his shows are on the air or why people watch them.   But that’s just me…

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Camera Men

hissen_camera_smBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I’m an avid watcher of shows on the Discovery Channel, The History Channel, National Geographic and other knowledge dropping shows.  I’m a fan of Animal Planet and other shows that put you in the middle of a Jungle or Desert and show you what happens when confronted with the dangerous creatures that inhabit them, as evidenced by a previous post on Austin Stevens Snake Master.

What a friend and I were discussing the other day while enjoying a few adult beverages was how little credit the camera man gets for their efforts.

You have these guys like Austin Stevens and Steve Irwin (previously), trotting across the globe and journeying into jungles etc. looking for the most dangerous animals on the planet and getting close enough to them to piss these animals off.  All the while you see the main guy on the TV but you never really take into account what’s going on with the camera man.  His life is in obvious danger too and he’s got a 50 plus pound Camera to account for as well.  From a Cobra spitting venom to a charging Komodo Dragon to wading in a river filled with Piranha to just plain being in an Ocean infested with sharks, these guys are a classic case of All Guts and No Glory.

I’m wondering if there’s some sort of award that goes out to these guys for risking their lives.  If there is, I’ve never heard of it and if it was recognized by a major awards show like The Oscars or The Emmy’s, it probably is given out earlier and not televised.

So here’s to you Crazy Camera Men, this Miller High Life can was schwilled in your honor.

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Theories in Linguistics

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Did you ever wonder where some of these slang words that we use nowadays originated?  For instance why would you call your male friend your “Homey”, or why is it when you (as a male) when trying to pick up girls refer to it as “holla’ing”.

Of course I have a theory about this.  At least these two urban slang words.

Homey: The boys, the ones you not only like, but trust. Used in a sentence: “You homeys got my back, right.” (According to the Urban Dictionary).

Do you notice the phonetic similarity to the French word “Homme” (pronounced hohm) and the urban slang word “Homey”?  The French word “Homme” is translated as man.  So you can see how I came to the conclusion that a misguided high-schooler, while in French class, began calling all his boys a mispronounced version of “Homme” (Ho – Me).  Both words are masculine nouns.  You make the connection.

The next word we will look at is “Holla“.  You’ve done it.  You’ve holla’d at a girl at least once in your life. And what exactly are you doing when you “Holla” at a girl.  Basically, you don’t know this girl you’re trying to say hello.  Same thing when you say “Holla Back”.  What you’re trying to articulate is “I’m saying hello to you and I’m asking you to say hello back”.

Well guess what the Spanish word for hello is ? “Hola“.  Add another L in the Spanish word “Hola” and you have “Holla“.  Coincedence, I think not.  I think this another case of a misguided high-schooler in Spanish class trying to use a word from a different language to impress people but ultimately mispronouncing the word.

“Holla Suzie”, the young man remarked. He was trying to say “Hello Suzie” in Spanish, the young lady laughed and the phrase stuck.  The rest is history.

Now I could be wrong about this but I’m wasted right now and it makes complete sense to me.  We’ll see when I wake up.

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That’s Someone’s Daughter

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I just read this article on ABC.com and watched the video, entitled Teens: Oral Sex and Casual Prostitution No Biggie. It talks about how a blow job is the new new good night kiss.  Pre-teen girls are trading sexual favors to stay in relationships, for money and for clothing/accessories.  And these girls don’t think there’s anything really wrong with it.

They apparently come from middle to upper class family’s as well which makes things a little more intriguing, usually it’s the poorer girls that become whorish at an earlier age.  I can remember being at an 8th grade birthday party where a group of girls around the ages of 11-13, told me they were blowing dudes and having sex before their parents came home from work.  All the while I’m thinking, “Why can’t” this be me?”.

I don’t know what took Good Morning America so long to report on this subject but it’s at least 10 years over due.  Now it’s common knowledge that young girls tend to date men who are a little older then them.  Whether it’s because they have a car or because they can buy alcohol or because they have a lot more money then their male counterparts of lesser age.  Since these younger girls are dating slightly more mature or experienced guys, they tend to do try to go the extra mile to try to impress them and be kept around.  “Yeah sure I’ll take my shirt off while drunk at this party”.  “Sure I’ll have sex with you and your friend tonight.”.  Though if there’s one thing these girls have right is that a girl who gives it up (whatever it may be) isn’t going to be at a loss for company on the weekends.

Not that I was privy to the cool chicks banging me at an early age, but i’ve seen my fair share of crazy shit in college.  Freshman girls move into the dorms and for the first semester or so view it as an extension of Senior Week.  Girls walking around in a frat house naked after hours, taking off clothes,throwing them and making out with other girls during the party, a group of guys (including the Chapter Advisor) just sitting around watching a girl finger herself.   Topless Tuesdays, Nitrous Nensdays.  My friend and I had a saying when we would see some girl doing some completely outlandish shit, “That’s someone’s daughter.“.

This type of behavior can continue to occur even after college.  My friend just informed me that he banged a girl who is in his shore house over the weekend, then she proceeded to bang another guy and have a three-some with that guy and another.  Apparently she left a note telling the housemates she was sorry for her actions and she would not be back this summer.  I can only imagine what the note said, “If you’re reading this, you already know.  I banged 3 dudes inside of 48 hours and I can no longer show my face in this house”.

There is though the double standard.  If a guy had roasted 3 girls in 48 hours he’d get a pat on the back and an “atta’ boy”.

I think the point I’m trying to make is that kids have and will continue to do whatever the hell it is they want to do (and what MTV tells them).  In light of the society we live in kids will continue to have sex in their pre-teens given they watch enough Beverly Hills 90210 or Gossip Girl or whatever teenaged show where the crux of a couple episodes a season is whether or not a main female character will have sex/lose their virginity.  There probably is a lot of social pressure for a young girl to get down to business as well.

Inevitably a girl has to get royally screwed over to realize they need to grow up and not just do crazy shit to impress some jerk off guys or trade sex to be in a relationship.  I’m guessing girls that have sex earlier, realize the need to get more mature in their sexuality earlier.  Though they will be labeled a whore in high school they have a chance to re-invent themselves in college.  Either way kids are growing up faster then our parents ever dreamed of.  I just wish I was getting Hum-Jums when I was 11.

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Twitter? What’s that?

twitterBy: Billy BeerSlugger

So a lot of my friends have asked me what Twitter is.  That’s all you ever hear about nowadays, Twitter, Tweet’s, Twats. “You’re a computer guy, you should know this stuff”, they say.

From what I’ve read, it’s a mico-blogging tool.  Where BeerSlugger.com is a blog and has no real limit on the amount of text, Twitter has a post limit on characters that is about the same as a text message (SMS).  You can actually Twitter (effectively post text to your account and have it show up on the website) from your phone using Text messages so that I’m guessing comes in handy on the go.  Though if I wanted to I could post something to BeerSlugger.com from my Blackberry (I’m a one upper).  I’m not sure what is so important that you couldn’t wait to go home and post on a regular blog or website but I guess if everyone else is jumping off a bridge I should too.

Anyway, I’m hip, I’m cool, I know who the Jonas Brothers are and I use Twitter.

Check me out at http://twitter.com/beerslugger

Eventually I’ll try and incorporate the Twitter into the BeerSlugger.com once i figure out what I can use it for besides sending messages while in the bathroom.  Preliminary ideas include segments called “Toilet Talk” and “Droppin’ Knowledge While Dropping A Deuce”.

Let me know what you guys think.

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Just in case you missed it

By: Billy BeerSlugger

Will Ferrell was back on SNL a week or so ago and they did another Celebrity Jeopardy which is absolutely hilarious.  Even Norm McDonald makes a cameo as Burt Reynolds.  Easily one of the best series of sketches in Saturday Night Live History and maybe one that will never be done again.  This sketch is almost 10 minutes so if you’re watching this at work I salute you for sticking it to the man for 1/6 of an hour.

Oh and by the way, this is from Hulu. If you have not yet checked it out I suggest you do so. It will be as big or bigger than YouTube in the coming years. Go ahead and quote me.  I was saying this even before they were doing TV commercials for it with Alec Baldwin and Dennis Leary.

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The Jewish Nationality

starBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I was chatting up a young lady Thursday night and things are going pretty well.  We’re doing the regular introductory questions, “Where are you from?”, “Where do you live?”, “What college did you go to?”.  Then things get a litttle interesting. I noticed she kind of had an olive colored skin and asked what was her heritage was.  She replied, “Jewish”.

First of all if someone asked me where my ancestors originally hail from I’m going to say I’m Irish/Welsh.  How I’m not going to answer the question is “Oh I’m Catholic” because that’s my religion (or at least that’s how I was raised).   I was running out of witty things to talk about and decided to settle on this topic for awhile, respectfully of course.

I tried explaining to her why i thought Jewish was not a nationality.  You can’t be from Jew because it doesn’t exist.  If I’m wrong please point it out to me on a map.  I would have accepted German Jew, Italian Jew,  Indian Jew, Spanish Jew, Egyptian Jew, African Jew or maybe Isreali.  Why do you have to bring the religion into it though?  I asked her if she knew which part of the world her Jewish family came from but she didn’t know, she just knew she was Jewish.

Not that it’s terribly important to me to know where this girls family originated because it’s not, if I were her though it’s just something I would want to know for my own edification.  I’m just bringing this stuff up with her because I have nothing better to talk to her about.  To me a blow job is a blow job and it does not have a nationality, and that’s the real goal here.  Though from what I’ve heard from some former co-workers I was barking up the wrong tree hoping to get a BJ from a Jewish girl.  They tell me you’d be hard pressed to find a Jewish girl that will put non-kosher cock in her mouth.  In this instance, they were right.

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McDonald’s Commercials

By: Billy BeerSlugger

What’s up with McDonald’s commercials getting geared increasingly and increasingly more toward the minorities over the last 10 years or so.  When I was i kid you had Ronald McDonald trying to keep the Hamburgalar (Rabble Rabble) from stealing all the food or Jordan and Bird throwing up unmakable shots or it was all about what the new toy was  in the Happy Meal.  McDonald’s was marketed towards kids who in turn bugged their parents to buy them McDonalds.

Now, i guess in a major swing of target audiences, McDonald’s it seems is seeking to lure in the African American community especially (which in turn brings the white kids as well since they want to be black).  Even their current slogan, “I’m lovin’ it” leaves off the g in loving to evoke a more ethnic tone.

Some of the commercials are just taking on very stereotypical racist themes like the one with the R&B singer, his girlfriend and the 10 piece fired chicken nuggets she won’t share, “Girl ya got a 10 piece please don’t be stingy”.  It’s got all the elements there, black people, fried chicken and R&B.  Though McDonald’s must run these ad’s through dozens of focus groups to make sure it’s too funny and disarming for you to realize.

Then you have the little kid doing the Cha Cha Slide at the dinner table.  Parents are dressed well, like the Huxtibles and the kid comes in wearing 80’s rap fashions and dancing etc.  Eventually his gets his dad into it.  If I came to the dinner table with a boom box my dad would have slapped me so hard in the back of the head even my little brother would have felt sorry for me. And what’s up with those apple bites? Any apple I’ve ever seen that gets sliced eventually the flesh turns brown even if you put them in a bag. Another ecological marvel engineered by those kooky scientists at Hamburger University.  Is Ronald McDonald shitting out Magic Apples that don’t go bad?

Seriously though, I would have liked to been in the room when McDonald’s executives decided, “Yea were going to target the African American community with our ad’s now and leave the kids alone.  Demographics show we can increase profits in urban areas by……”  I would also like to see some data in terms of Race consumption of McDonald’s from when they shifted the advertising until now.  I bet there’s huge increases year by year.

Then last year during the Olympics i see a commercial for the Southern Style Chicken Biscuit.  The commercial has a bunch of athletic people of many races (if you notice some have British accents so you know the product must be good).  Basically McDonald’s is telling you if you eat a fried chicken biscuit in the morning you can be an Olympic athlete too.  That’s what Olympians eat.

All in all if I were an African American I’d be pissed in so many ways because in essence what the shift in focus of McDonald’s advertising is telling me is that they think black people are more gullible than children. Why would they have changed their advertising strategy?  Does McDonald’s make more money off of minorities than it ever could have off of children and on top of that not have to bribe them with a happy meal toy?

That’s just how I see it…..

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Social Networking / Dating Profile Pictures – That’s not you?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

While I had to retire from social networking a while back, one thing that I did notice is that people put the absolute best ever pictures on their profiles.  Like they went to Glamor Shots and then had them retouched.  Most people’s profile pictures will be from some vacation when they have a really good tan, the wind is blowing through their hair, the lighting is just right.  Possibly a night at a bar when they looked especially good, makeup, hair and outfit were all working in unison.   Neck crooked in such a way to stretch out their second chin.  Maybe just a headshot if they don’t want to reveal the shape of the rest of their body.  Possibly a head and chest shot if that’s what’s working. Maybe they had the photo taken in or converted to black and white, hiding even more imperfections.

You’ve went on some of your girl friend’s profiles and been like, “Damn she looks good”.  Well fellas it’s a little but of camera trickery.  They don’t really look that good, but for a split second in time, when the planets aligned correctly, they took some really good pictures.  And it’s not to say they’re not pretty, it’s just that they’re not as pretty as their best picture suggests.

I understand if you are using one of these social networks/dating sites to lure in men or women, I get that.  You’re trying to market yourself to someone else and putting your best stuff up there will maximize your hits or comments or messages or friends.  Makes sense, I guess when I used the social networks I kinda did the same things.

The weirder thing is when non-single women (and men but I really have never perused men’s profiles) continue to put their best pictures on the site for purposes of their own ego, even after they have found their “special someone”.  Crying out for attention, “Hey look at me, I’m pretty“.  Receiving comments, friend requests and messages from random deushe bags telling her so, “Hey girl you look fiyne!  Thanks for the add!“.  Letting her know she’s still got it.  All the while in the back of her head she reasons she can still go out and find another guy if need be and be confident enough to use that pseudo-fact in an arguement with the significant other.

I could be wrong, it could be for a photo competition with their friends.  Her best photo against all her friends best photos, leave each other messages like, “You’re so pretty” and then talk about the person behind their back.  Don’t think this kind of stuff doesn’t happen.

I’ll never get women.  I’m pretty sure if they didn’t have vagina’s I wouldn’t even talk to them.  Maybe to get their opinion on paint colors for a room but that’s about it.  Meanwhile I’m relegated to a life of dealing with them.

On that note I’m getting drunk tonight….

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Latisse – More Bullshit for Women to Buy

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So there’s this new drug out there that makes your eyelashes grow.  I wasn’t even aware this was a disease but apparently hypotrichosis is when you have short eyelashes.  Man that must suck.  I mean of all the things to be afflicted with, I wouldn’t wish short eyelashes on anyone.

But seriously, some people may need this.  In the 90 some seconds of research I’ve done for this article I’ve seen some pretty alien looking women with little to no visible eyelashes.  The sad fact is that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of women will now ask their doctor for this drug that do not actually need it.  Cougars will probably blow a pharmacist to get this stuff.

Latisse is a once-daily prescription treatment applied to the base of the upper eyelashes which supposedly increases eyelash prominence, length, thickness and darkness.  Side effects include possible itching and redness, permanent darkening of the eyelid skin, possible brown pigmentation to the colored part of the eye, hair growth if Latisse is applied to the area outside the eyelashes and variation in eyelash growth direction.  But hey it’s approved by the FDA and they are never wrong, ever.

What’s the next vanity drug to come out? If a drug that helps you get longer eylashes is any indication of what  companies are going to market to women to look marginally better then the sky’s the limit.  I mean come on if  Women are injecting the Botulism Virus into their faces then they’ll pretty much do anything to look subjectively prettier.

A funny sidenote to Botox is that a little while ago their slogan on commecials was, “Express yourself”.  It’s hilarious when you think that Botox is injected to paralyze muscles in the face.  Typically facial expression is more or less limited after Botox, thus the Zinger.