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Mattress Recoil and the Nuances of Nookie

I’m moving soon.  I’ll be living with guys for the first time since college.  It got me thinking about my bedroom setup in college, particularly when I lived in my fraternity house.  We had lofts to utilize the space and high ceilings.  There was not a whole lot of room up in the loft so usually a box spring was out of the question.  I opted for a futon mattress at the suggestion of one of my older fraternity brothers.  I couldn’t tell you how pleased I was with the decision.  You see there is no recoil from a futon mattress because there are no springs, it simply didn’t move.  This made it extremely easy to get into a rhythm while playing hide the salami.  With a regular spring mattress you have to account for the “bounce factor”, and work that into an equation that includes rotating between fastballs and change ups to maximize endurance, hitting the right spots with your pitches and overall trying not to cum too early.  It was really nice to take the bounce factor out of the equation.

The only thing I was really losing with the bounce factor was when i was on the bottom.  With a spring mattress you can use the bounce factor to your advantage by incorporating it into a bottom power thrust that is actually pretty easy to get into a good rhythm.

However, how many girls do you know that actually liked being on top for an extended period?  It’s almost as rare as the girl who actually likes giving blow jobs.  Though I am under the school of thought that the guy should be doing most of the work.

Anyway, I’d like to hear some comments on if people are pro or anti “bounce factor”.  I’m going to guess most people make the magic happen on a regular spring mattress but if you’ve had experience on something that does not produce as much recoil I’d love to hear about it.

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Big Brother… No not the TV show.

obamahopeprogressNot all news is good news coming from the Obama administration. While the American media focuses on the economy and Cramer vs. Stewart, lost is what is going on with some of our civil liberties guaranteed by the Constitution.

The Obama administration voted for Immunity for the Telephone Companies from lawsuits for participating in the Bush administration’s domestic spy program and included new and broad warrant-less surveillance powers in the bill.

However, that isn’t the only infringement the administration has made in it’s first 100 days in office.  They have also decided that the Constitution does not protect cell-site records.  A cell site record is essentially information about what cell phone tower your cell phone is connected to.  Effectively giving away your approximate location at all times that your phone is on.

Now I’m all for using creative ways like approximating a persons location at a certain day/time to put them at the place of some sort of crime.  I’m with that.  I loved the HBO show “The Wire” and can appreciate law enforcement doing everything they can to catch the bad guys.  It has to be within reason though.  If you need this cell-site record to help solve a crime get a warrant and you get the records on that phone.  What is the point of having everyone’s cell-site records available to the government though?  Why does the government need this info so readily available without a warrant?

Jennifer Granick, the civil liberties director for the Electronic Frontier Foundation stated, “Almost everybody in the United States carries or will carry a cell phone… This tracking ability is a means where the government can find out the location of pretty much everybody without much effort or expense.” (from a wired article)

I realize we are in slightly different times.  No president wants another 9/11 under their watch.  Why keep tabs on everyone though?  Why not just the bad guys (or potential bad guys).  And then if they do the tracking just for the bad guys, who’s to say who’s a bad guy?  Under what criteria are you categorized as a security risk or terrorist?  The US Terror Watch list currently holds over 900,000 names and bio’s and adds about 20,000 names to the list every month.

Obviously I’m not the president and am not in charge of protecting millions of American’s.  I am not trying to trivialize “the big picture” in terms of keeping America safe.  Be that as it may, I still like to adhere to what the founding fathers had in mind.  One of my favorite persons of all time, Ben Franklin, was quoted to say, “He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security.”.  I think that quote really sums up the point of this post.

Note: Next time I kill a hooker I’m definitely turning my phone off so Big Brother cannot place me at the scene of the crime.

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80’s Flashback – Back to the Future

flux_capacitor
The Flux Capacitor is what makes Time Travel Possible.

One of the greatest movie franchises of all time, Back to the Future starred a childhood hero of mine, Michael J. Fox and an insane but brilliant Christopher Loyd as Doc Brown.  The series as I’m sure you know focuses on time travel and hijinks encountered by going back or forward in time and changing their events.

I’m at the bar today in honor of St. Patrick and I’m talking to my friend.  We got to talking about Back to the Future a little bit and then time-travel.

The majority of the discussion was my argument that going back in time to change an event (say that fat chick you banged in sophomore year) is not possible. I cited the Grandfather Paradox where, if time travel were possible, a grandson could go back in time to kill his grandfather before they were born. Effectively making it so that the grandson was never born. However, if the grandson was never born, how could he kill his grandfather? And thus the Paradox… much like the chicken and the egg.

If you went back in time to stop yourself from banging that fat chick in Sophomore year you would never have had the reason to go back in time to stop yourself from banging that fat chick. See what I’m saying? So this is why I deem Time Travel (or at least backward time travel) to be theoretically impossible.

My buddy comes up with this alternate reality scenario that when you go back in time you are actually in a separate reality coexisting with one’s own (a parallel universe).  That’s like going back in time would actually place you in a separate reality  than the one you actually existed in.  And in this scenario would be able to change the future without worrying about the Grandfather Paradox. Since you are a visitor from the original reality, you would theoretically be able to kill your grandfather in the separate reality without repercussion. Your grandfather in the original reality still fathered your dad and thus your dad had fathered you even though your Grandfather in the alternate reality is dead.

I know, I know this may have been a little over your heads to contemplate right now but think about it.

If anything we proved that debating time-travel when you are 6 car bombs and a couple of beers deep is a great idea.  It’s how St. Patrick would have wanted it.

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My Friday Night

So I decided after a heavy work week that I was going to stay in last night in an effort to conserve energy and get Super Wasted on Saturday in celebration of St. Paddy’s day (really I couldn’t find a drinking buddy).

I spent most of the night in the fetal position, crying and listening to Dashboard Confessional but I did manage to read a couple of things on the interweb about one of my Favorite Subjects, “Net Neutrality”.

Here are a couple of short reads:

Internet Protocol Treaty a ‘National Security’ Secret

“…would criminalize peer-to-peer file sharing, subject iPods to border searches and allow internet service providers to monitor their customers’ communications.”

Web Snooping

“…it was the fact that users had no choice in the matter… people were snooping on their web activity whether they liked it or not.”

People got all up in arms about the Patriot Act’s illegal wiretapping going on’s, but I think more people should be cognizant of web snooping.  Allowing your Internet Service Provider to gather information about your web browsing/data transfer habits etc.

If you want to prosecute people for illegally file sharing you have to prove it and pretty much the only way to prove that (save actually finding illegally downloaded files on a persons physical computer)  is monitoring web/data activity.

Now this isn’t about Illegal File Sharing or not wanting Comcast to know I watch Animal Porn on a regular basis, it’s about spying on you, user of the internet.  If they can snoop on your file sharing they can snoop on your email and online banking etc.  Going back to the whole wiretapping thing, I’m going to hypothesize that people do a lot more or at least as much of their interaction with other people/institutions over the interweb as they do over the phone.  So why don’t we hear more about web snooping and net neutrality on the tv news?  Is it because the same companies that control access to the internet are in cahoots with the corporations that control the TV Networks.

Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation (Fox), General Electric (NBC), Disney (ABC), Viacom/ Sumner Redstone (CBS)  and all their affiliates and subsidiaries have products and services that they would like to sell to you.  Knowing your browsing habits helps them effectively target these products and services for you.  They are already doing this on social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace, collecting information about you to display targeted advertising (you agreed to this in your terms of service).   While this may seem innocuous enough you have to ask what else they are doing.

MySpace: All your data belong to us
FACEBOOK: Federal Human Data Mining Program

I think the moral of the story is the internet is the last source of informational freedom in our country and I for one would like to keep it that way.

Once I figure out an effective way for you the Beerslugger audience to support Net neutrality I will post it here.

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Structure – Defunct Men’s Clothing Store

structure

It’s still somewhat cold, I’m wearing long sleeve shirts but there’s no need for a full on jacket so I broke out the Marty McFly poofy vest (circa 1999 from Structure).  It’s got down feathers in there so you know it’s good, kind of like walking around in a cloud.

Anyway, my friend and I were talking over a couple of adult beverages about how much we liked Structure in the 90’s (and how ridiculous I looked in a 1990’s poofy vest).  Then suddenly, in the great year of our lord 2000,  Structure was merged with Express, a woman’s clothing store, under the brand Express Men’s.

So now essentially when you buy something from Express Men’s, you’re technically buying men’s clothing from a woman’s store.  Like if Victoria’s Secret sold men’s underwear under the brand Victoria Secret Mens.  Would you do that?

After some  investigative work I found the Structure brand was sold to Sears sometime after the merger.  I wouldn’t buy any article of clothing from Sears. When I think of Sears I think of ratchet sets and shit like that.

So Structure’s former Parent Company, Limited Brands, is pretty major.  They did about 9.7 billion dollars in revenue last year.  And at one point or another owned pretty much every store in the mall. Limited, Limited Too, Bath & Body Works, Structure, Victoria’s Secret, Lane Bryant, The White Barn Candle Company, Express, Lerner New York & Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’m leading a team of investors to rescue the Structure Brand from Sears and return it to it’s 1990’s dominance of male teenage prepsters.  The offer now stands at a block of sharp cheddar cheese, a stray cat, a case of Schlitz beer, a broken lava lamp, a $20 gift certificate to the Olive Garden and 10 shares of Citigroup (C), from our 301k, valued at the time of this article at $17.90. We need your help to sweeten the pot!

note: When I say “investigative work” I mainly mean Wikipedia.  And also feel free to write the article on Structure in Wikipedia because there is none. Please note in this article that the Beerslugger Group Ltd. is trying to acquire the Structure brand from the evil Sears Corporation.

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80’s Flashback – Hall & Oates

So usually I’m doing 90’s Tuesdays and 80’s Thursdays but I got drunk last night and I didn’t get to it.

So here we are with the 80’s Flashback a day late: Hall & Oates, “Out of Touch”. Sons of Philadelphia, Hall & Oates had many hits including “Rich Girl”, “Kiss on My List”, “Private Eyes”, “I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)”, “Maneater”.

They are on Philadelphia’s little known walk of fame on South Broad St. between Locust and Spruce along with other Philadelphia acts like Will Smith and DJ. Jazzy Jeff (I’m not making this up). I only know that this walk of fame is there because I used to live behind the Wilma Theater. Most people just walk over it not even knowing it’s there.

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History of the Hoagie

A Wawa Hoagie
A Wawa Hoagie

The Hoagie is a Philadelphia tradition since the late 19th century.  During a drunken trip to Wawa last weekend a friend and I pondered the origin of the word “Hoagie”.  Not a Sub or Hero or Grinder or Torpedo. The Hoagie.

There is some debate about the origin of the word and we will layout, after extensive research, what these arguments are.

From Wikipedia:

“The term hoagie originated in the Philadelphia area. Domenic Vitiello, professor of Urban Studies at the University of Pennsylvania asserts that Italians working at the World War I shipyard in Philadelphia, known as Hog Island where emergency shipping was produced for the war effort, introduced the sandwich, by putting various meats, cheeses, and lettuce between two slices of bread. This became known as the “Hog Island” sandwich; hence, the “hoagie”.[7]

The Philadelphia Almanac and Citizen’s Manual offers a different explanation, that the sandwich was created by early twentieth century street vendors called “hokey-pokey men”, who sold antipasto salad, along with meats and cookies. When Gilbert and Sullivan’s operetta H.M.S. Pinafore opened in Philadelphia in 1879, bakeries produced a long loaf called the pinafore. Entrepreneurial “hokey-pokey men” sliced the loaf in half, stuffed it with antipasto salad, and sold the world’s first “hoagie”.[8]

Another explanation is that the word “hoagie” arose in the late 19th-early 20th century, among the Italian community in South Philadelphia, when “on the hoke” was a slang used to describe a destitute person. Deli owners would give away scraps of cheeses and meats in an Italian bread-roll known as a “hokie”, but the Italian immigrants pronounced it “hoagie.”[9] By 1955, restaurants throughout the area were using the term “hoagie”, with many selling hoagies and subs or hoagies and pizza. Listings in Pittsburgh show hoagies arriving in 1961 and becoming widespread in that city by 1966.

Other less likely explanations involve “Hogan” (a nickname for Irish workers at the Hogg Island shipyard), a reference to the pork or “hog” meat used in hoagies, “honky sandwich” (using a racial slur for white people seen eating them) or “hooky sandwich” (derived from “hookie” for truant kids seen eating them).[3] Shortly after WWI, there were numerous varieties of the term in use throughout Philadelphia. By the 1940s, the spellings “hoagie” and, to a lesser extent, “hoagy” had come to dominate lesser user variations like “hoogie” and “hoggie”.[10] By 1955, restaurants throughout the area were using the term “hoagie”, with many selling hoagies and subs or hoagies and pizza. Listing in Pittsburgh show hoagies arriving in 1961 and becoming widespread in that city by 1966.[10]

Former Philadelphia mayor (now Pennsylvania governor) Ed Rendell declared the hoagie the “Official Sandwich of Philadelphia”[11]. However, there are claims that the hoagie was actually a product of nearby Chester, Pennsylvania.”

So there it is in case you were wondering.

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Hedy Lamarr – Inventor / Beautiful Betty

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Hedy Lamarr
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Hedy Lamarr

Hedy Lamarr is a veteran of such films as Tortilla Flat, Algiers, Boom Town, White Cargo, Ziegfeld Girl and Cecil B. DeMille’s Samson and Delilah. She has a star on Hollywood’s Walk of fame. She got naked in the 1933 film “Ecstasy” which I’d love to see or at least fast forward through until she got naked.

While Hedy may be most famous for her acting career the was also very much a scientist.  In 1941 she and composer George Antheil submitted the idea of a Secret Communication System for patent which was awarded in 1942. This early version of frequency hopping used a piano roll to change between 88 frequencies and was intended to make radio-guided torpedoes harder for enemies to detect or jam.

Lamarr’s and Antheil’s frequency-hopping idea serves as a basis for modern spread-spectrum communication technology, such as COFDM used in WiFi network connections and CDMA used in some cordless and wireless telephones. (Wikipedia)

How can you not completely fall in love with this chick.  Hot as shit and does experiments, basically invents WIFI.  Plus she had 6 husbands which is right up my alley considering how great at relationships I am.

I’m raising my Victory Prima Pilsner in appreciation of this brainy broad.

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One Laptop Per Child

The OLPC Laptop
The OLPC Laptop

Ok, so I’ve been reading a little a bout this initiative One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) which apparently wants to send laptops to every kid in the world.  Now don’t mistake this article for me not wanting kids in other countries to get free laptops, that’s not what this is about. What it is about is where the fuck are these kids going to plug these laptops in.  I mean isn’t Sally Struthers on TV asking for money to feed these kids and provide clean water?  And this Organization wants to send them Laptops?  Wouldn’t the $200 for the laptop be better spent on that countries school system or something a little more beneficial?  What are the kids going to do for the internet, sit outside of the Nigerian Starbucks and steal the signal?

Am I just going a little overboard on how little I think these 3rd world countries are underdeveloped and impoverished?

I’m not even sure we could give every kid at poverty level in America one of these laptops.  And why the fuck aren’t we focusing on just America when we are falling behind so many other industialized countries in Math and Science?

Again, I’m not against giving kids laptops, I’m really not. But if you’re trying to foster and encourage education across the world pay more teachers and make smaller class sizes and all that jazz.  You give a kid a laptop without supervision and they’ll just end up playing solitare and going on Facebook, trust me, I have a laptop.

Note: I really didn’t go into the details of this cause, I’m sure it’s noble.  I just think of those commercials with flies buzzing around little malnourished kids with rags for clothes and saying, “I don’t think they can eat a laptop.”

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With TV over the Internet and Netflix, Who Needs Cable?

Cable is expensive.  I have regular cable in my room and a box downstairs with all the HD channels and goodies.  I maybe get about 50 channels upstairs with about 4 of those being Spanish Language.  Very rarely do I watch TV if it’s not sports related.  If you haven’t gathered my opinion of reality TV yet I’ll just say I don’t watch it and leave it at that.

Id do, however, watch shows like Lost, 24, 30 Rock, It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia etc.  I don’t usually watch these shows during their original air time, I catch them on the internet at my leisure at places like Hulu.com and network sites like NBC.com, ABC.com and Fox.com.  Mostly Hulu though.

Anyway, I have always been a fan of Netflix . I watched the first 3 seasons of 24,the first 3 seasons of the Sopranos and the entire series of “The Wire” on DVD’s gotten in the mail from Netflix.  Great service.  Recently, I noticed that Netflix was offering streaming content so I checked it out.  There’s a butt load of Movies, Tv Shows and Documentary’s on there “On Demand” and it’s free.  So you get to watch these titles over the internet and the rest in the mail.  You’re allowed to watch up to 8 hours of streaming content per day.  And there’s no additional charge, it’s part of your Netflix subscription.

So between Netflix, Hulu and the TV Network Sites there’s enough crap to watch right there that I would never really need cable.  But then there’s the sports.  I would be missing the Phillies, Flyers and Sixers games.  Though I could purchase an online subscription for MLB, NBA and NHL.

All in all I watch more content over the internet than I do on regular TV and I have a feeling a lot of other people are too.  I use an S-Video cord from my laptop to my TV and voila, it’s an internet TV.

Suck on that cable companies. Suck it hard.