Category: Drinking

By: F.X. Galvin

I have decided to set the stage for a five day installment next week for the five worst colleges to have a good time at in the Philadelphia area. I thought this to be a helpful tool for graduating seniors, students looking to transfer, and people who have already graduated from one of these institutions who need a good laugh on how bad a school sucks at life. This is a guide so boozehounds avoid lame colleges like a bad case of genital warts. It also gives to you the heads up, not visit any one your friends at one of these terrible schools. I wanted to give kids direction on which schools that are just a terrible time. . . Schools where you will be constantly harassed for getting shitfaced. Let’s face it, the real point of college for an 18 year old is to get wasted, hook up, maybe do drugs and as secondary priority to get an education. What better way to inspire the youth?

Today, I will chronicle the schools that are not on this list and why. Next, week I will delve into why those five schools suck so much. In total, I have thought of 20 schools in the Philadelphia area. Here is the list of 15 that will not be on the list.

Obviously Temple and West Chester will not be on the list. Temple has frat houses all within walking distance of its beautiful North Philly campus. To get in trouble for boozing here, you have to be a public mess or throw a banger Jeremy Piven style. (which has happened, ask Billy Beerslugger). Also, Center City is a $5. cab ride away which provides a more than adequate nightlife. Really, what’s not to like? West Chester is known to be the party mecca in the Philly area. It is a state school with about 13,000 students. This place has everything from frat houses, straight party houses, and a town full of bars that run college specials on a regular basis. More panties drop at these two schools than a swinger orgy with unlimited coke and e-bombs.

Next La Salle, St, Joseph’s and Philadelphia University will not be on the list. La Salle is in a crazy neighborhood and also can have crazy parties. Like Temple, this place has other things to worry about, like felony level crimes so alcoholic students are not high on its priority list. St. Joe’s and Philly U will also not be on the list. Both schools on campus parties suck. However, both schools have great off campus parties. Both universities flood Manayunk, which gives students houses and bars to get wasted at without being bothered.

Arcadia, Cabrini, Neumann and Widener are safe from party embarrassment. The enrollment of these schools are 3,600, 3,100, 2,600 and 5,000 respectfully. (Widener’s total enrollment is higher but I excluded the population from satellite campuses.) All of the abovementioned schools are small but have decent parties one way or another. Outside of Widener house and frat parties theses schools give you a different look at getting sauced. The other three schools usually have the same result as big universities, just with a smaller size party. Students get wasted, then have unprotected sex leading to regret the next day. Great. . . if you are just visiting but may lead to embarrassment if you are a student there. Like high school, the whole student body will know that you banged a fat chick within 48 hours. (kinda sucks, trust me on that one, I went to undergrad at a school that size). Sometimes these parties are small but pack a big punch.

Now here is where it gets tough. I gave a pass to Immaculata and Rosemont. Rosemont is an all girls school. Really, how can rip it if that is what you want. Obviously no one really lives up there so no one would actually go there to have fun. Immaculata just went co-ed within the last decade. The school currently has under 1000 undergraduate students and ultimately should be given a chance. My prediction is that within another five years parties will be comparable to the drinking scene at Arcadia, Cabrini, and Neumann.

Also, regretfully I gave Penn, Drexel, University of the Sciences, and University of the Arts a pass. Some people may think I’m wrong here but I have reasons people. I actually have had a good time at a couple of Drexel parties. Also, guys if you are “normal,” (sorry for freaks who don’t categorize normal as normal and think they are normal and everyone else has issues, your not, face it), you have a solid chance of getting laid. Even though Drexel is annually on the ugliest campus in America list some of the girls are actually fuckable and they are tired of looking at trendy, artsy guys who look like French painters. Also, like some of the schools in the top five as well as Rosemont, no students really go to Penn, University of Sciences or Arts to get banged up. Believe or not these schools do have parties but you or no one you would associate with would ever attend. They get down in their own way. Picture the Asian party in “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.” Plus, they are all within the city and close to an above-average bar seen. I think I will receive some criticism for the last three schools over #5 on the list but fuck you, it is my list.

Well now you are trying to figure out what five schools are on this list. Just a couple of hints. Three schools are off the Main Line. One school is in Philadelphia but not Center City. The other school is in the suburbs, approximately 20 minutes from Center City. On Monday, I will feature #5.