Posted on

Success and Failure in Philadelphia Sports

It's a Love/Hate Thing Here.
It's a Love/Hate Thing Here.

Sports with Bob McFlurry

What a bunch of crybabies Philadelphia sports fans are. Oh, the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, the Flyers haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1975, the Sixers haven’t gotten it done since 1983 and minus the Phillies breaking a miraculous curse in 2008, their only World Series win was in 1980.  It’s like Philly fans are so masochistic that they love to be hurt, we actually brag about it.

Yes there was 25 years between Championships in Philadelphia but that didn’t mean there weren’t teams to root for.  Yes you can give me the whole, “Of the cities with the four major sports teams, Philadelphia ranks last in Championships” crap but it’s still a whole lot better than being in Cleveland or Kansas City. And of the teams with four major sports teams I think we’ve had it a lot better than Phoenix, Minneapolis and Washington D.C.

If you rank a season Quality by the team making it to either the Championship game or the Conference Finals then the landscape changes a bit.

We’ll start our time line in the year 1980:

1980:

76ers lost to the Lakers in the NBA Finals 4 games to 2.

Flyers lost to the Islanders in the Stanley Cup Finals 4 games to 2

Eagles lost the Raiders in the Super Bowl 27-10

Phillies Win the World Series over the Royals 4 game to 2

1982:

76ers lost the NBA Championship to the Lakers 4 games to 2

1983:

Phillies lost to the Baltimore Orioles in the World Series 4 games to 1

76ers Won the NBA Championship over the Lakers 4-0

1984:

Flyers lost to the Oilers 4-1 in the Stanley Cup Finals

1986:

Flyers lost to the Oilers 4-3 in the Stanley Cup Finals

1988:

Flyers lost to the Canadiens 4 games to 2 in the Wales Conference Finals

1993:

Phillies lost to the Blue Jays in the World Series 4-2

1994:

Flyers lost to the Devils in the Conference Finals

1996:

Flyers lost to the Red Wings 4-0 in the Stanley Cup Finals

2000:

Flyers lost to the Devils in Eastern Conference Finals 4-3

2001:

76ers lost to the Lakers 4 games to 1 in the NBA Finals

Eagles lost to the Rams in the NFC Championship game 29-24

2002:

Eagles lost to the Buccaneers in the NFC Championship 27-10

2003:

Eagles lost to the Buccaneers in the NFC Championship 27-10

2004:

Flyers lost to the Lightning in Eastern Conference Finals to 4-3

Eagles lose to the Patriots in the Super Bowl 24-21

2007:

Flyers lost to the Penguins in the Easter Conference Finals 4 games to 1

2008:

Eagles lost to the Cardinals in the NFC Championship Game 32-25

Phillies Win the World Series over Rays 4 games to 1

2009:

Phillies lost to the Yankees in the World Series 4 games to 2

Totals:

Eagles: 2 Super Bowl appearances and 6 Conference Championship appearances. 16 Playoff appearances.

Phillies: 2 World Series Championships, 5 World Series Appearances and 5 National League Championship appearances. 7 Playoff appearances total.

Flyers: 4 Stanley Cup Finals trips, 8 Conference Championship appearances. 22 Playoff appearances.

Sixers: 1 NBA Championship, 4 Finals appearances, 4 Eastern Conference Championships. 18 Playoff appearances.

You don’t have to label a season a success if the team doesn’t win their respective sports’ championship that year and to a certain degree I get that logic. However, there have been plenty of years either collectively or individually that professional Philadelphia sports franchises got your heart racing during playoff time. That you lived and died by that team, that you and the city pulled for them.

If you ask me the 2002 NFC Championship loss to Tampa Bay was one of the absolute worst feelings I’ve ever had in my life.  I swore off the Eagles and the next year my heart was in it again for another run. I guess my point here is that Philadelphia fans, for all their complaining and whining have it pretty good I think. Lito Sheppard was recently quoted to say that he thought Philly fans were “spoiled” by the decade of success the Eagles had and I’d have to agree with him. It’s not that easy to win a Championship in any sport even when you do have great players. I’ll settle for 3 Championships in 30 years and revel in the the enjoyment the next time one comes around.

Any playoff game is just another reason to get drunk and hang out with your friends so look on the bright side people, at least we’re not in Cleveland.

Posted on

Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris

norristBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I was having a conversation with someone at the bar on Friday night about who would win in hand to hand (or foot) combat, Mr. T or Chuck Norris?

It’s one of those amazing questions that you cannot readily answer given that both men are immortal.

Here are some well known facts about Norris and Mr. T.

  • Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.
  • Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80’s.
  • Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

[poll id=”9″]

Posted on

Mackenzie Phillips Was Banging Her Dad

Credit: Kristin Barlowe; Yvonne Hemsey/Getty Images
Credit: Kristin Barlowe; Yvonne Hemsey/Getty Images

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So news came out within the last couple days about how Mackenzie Phillips of 80’s Soap Opera fame and her father of 70’s band Momma’s and the Poppa’s were involved in an incestuous relationship for over ten years. She is going on Oprah to discuss the ordeal and has a book coming out shortly.  The first thing that comes to my mind is why ugly ass Mackenzie Phillips and not her way better looking sister Chyna Phillips of early 90’s group Wilson Phillips.  Only a truly sick and twisted individual would bang his less good looking daughter.

It’s kind of hilarious how things work in the publishing world. You have celebrities that do fucked up shit and then write a book about it. You have politician’s that do fucked up shit and write a book about it. You have regular people who do fucked up shit, get famous for doing the fucked up shit and then write a book about it. It’s a system that rewards bad behavior with book deals and the general public eats this stuff up like the last slice of pizza on a drunken Friday night after the bars close.

Oh, but don’t forget the talk show tour de’ sympathie and or shame while hawking the book. The absolute pinnacle of this charade being the Oprah show and the obligatory, “…how did that make you feel” question (queue Crocodile Tears!).

Seriously though, what does that say about the person that buys this book?  You already know the jist, she was banging her dad for like 10 years.  Or does this sick person want to know all the gross details like when it started, what positions they liked or if she came during sex. It’s like an incestuous romance novel but set in real life. I’m going to venture to guess that 98% of the people that buy this book are women who have deep seeded daddy issues and may actually be Jillin’ Off while reading the juicy parts.

I think this just proves that people will do absolutely anything for money.  Banged your dad for 10 years, write a book about it.  Started banging dudes and got caught while you were the governor, write a book about it. Sell a Senate seat to the highest bidder while Governor and get caught, write a book about it. Bet on Baseball while you’re a manager, get caught, deny it for 20 years then admit to it in a book you wrote about it.

Granted some stories are more compelling than others and while sex definitely sells in our culture you may have to cut off the book deal for people who bang their dad for 10 years and then want to make money off the story.

note: Jillin’ Off is a slang term for female masturbation.

I could have also used:

Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw

Muffin Buffin’

Polishing the Pearl

Two Finger Taco Tango

Beat the Beaver

Riding the Unicycle

Play the Clitar

Double Clicking the Mouse

or Fucking Without Complications

Posted on

Total Eclipse of the Heart – Literal Version

This parody video showcases how completely avant garde and ahead of their time that 80’s Music Videos can be. Lots of hidden meaning, metaphors and symbolism out the ass.  If you listen to the regular version which was immortalized in my generation by the movie Old School and a cursing wedding band, you know it’s classic 80’s ballad. However, with this dubbed version of the song on Youtube, the words and visuals mesh so well that I figured you needed to see it.  So here it is for your viewing and listening pleasure.

The video also reminds me of how obsessed our culture is with looks. There’s no way (even with a dynamite voice and flowing locks of teased blonde hair) that Bonnie Tyler gets airplay today. Maybe on the John Tesh radio program but that’s about it.

Posted on

G.I. Joe

By: Billy BeerSlugger

If you’re like me, you grew up watching cartoons like G.I. Joe, Transformers, Thunder Cats and a host of others that were on Saturday mornings or after school.  It’s nice to see a sort of revival of 80’s nostalgia with Transformers and now G.I. Joe being turned into live action features.

I had a shit ton of G.I Joe figurines and vehicles as a child and usually found myself in frequent battles with the kids down the street. My favorite G.I. Joe probably being Sgt. Slaughter.  I never really understood why it seemed like Cobra Commander was such a pussy with his incessant bitching and ineptness in following through with a well laid plan.  I mean at any point Destro could have taken the reins and pretty much ran shit.

Anyway, the G.I. Joe movie comes out in a couple weeks but a while back I had an affinity for these Public Service announcements that someone did in the early part of the 2000’s; taking actual G.I. Joe PSA animation, manipulating it and dubbing the voices.  The result is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen on the inter web.

I’ll embed one of my favorites here and post links under it for your viewing pleasure.

GI Joe – Get Off My Ice
 GI Joe – Reggae
GI Joe – Shhiiiiiiiitttttttt!
GI Joe – Blanco Nino
GI Joe – Don’t Forget Your Sandwiches
GI Joe – Johnny, Do you Play Baseball?
GI Joe – Vest’s are for Pussies!

GI Joe – Wake up on Fire.

This should get you started, I think there’s upwards of 20 of these made by a guy named Fensler. Great productivity killer at work.

Posted on

80’s Flashback – Back to the Future

flux_capacitor
The Flux Capacitor is what makes Time Travel Possible.

One of the greatest movie franchises of all time, Back to the Future starred a childhood hero of mine, Michael J. Fox and an insane but brilliant Christopher Loyd as Doc Brown.  The series as I’m sure you know focuses on time travel and hijinks encountered by going back or forward in time and changing their events.

I’m at the bar today in honor of St. Patrick and I’m talking to my friend.  We got to talking about Back to the Future a little bit and then time-travel.

The majority of the discussion was my argument that going back in time to change an event (say that fat chick you banged in sophomore year) is not possible. I cited the Grandfather Paradox where, if time travel were possible, a grandson could go back in time to kill his grandfather before they were born. Effectively making it so that the grandson was never born. However, if the grandson was never born, how could he kill his grandfather? And thus the Paradox… much like the chicken and the egg.

If you went back in time to stop yourself from banging that fat chick in Sophomore year you would never have had the reason to go back in time to stop yourself from banging that fat chick. See what I’m saying? So this is why I deem Time Travel (or at least backward time travel) to be theoretically impossible.

My buddy comes up with this alternate reality scenario that when you go back in time you are actually in a separate reality coexisting with one’s own (a parallel universe).  That’s like going back in time would actually place you in a separate reality  than the one you actually existed in.  And in this scenario would be able to change the future without worrying about the Grandfather Paradox. Since you are a visitor from the original reality, you would theoretically be able to kill your grandfather in the separate reality without repercussion. Your grandfather in the original reality still fathered your dad and thus your dad had fathered you even though your Grandfather in the alternate reality is dead.

I know, I know this may have been a little over your heads to contemplate right now but think about it.

If anything we proved that debating time-travel when you are 6 car bombs and a couple of beers deep is a great idea.  It’s how St. Patrick would have wanted it.

Posted on

80’s Flashback – Hall & Oates

So usually I’m doing 90’s Tuesdays and 80’s Thursdays but I got drunk last night and I didn’t get to it.

So here we are with the 80’s Flashback a day late: Hall & Oates, “Out of Touch”. Sons of Philadelphia, Hall & Oates had many hits including “Rich Girl”, “Kiss on My List”, “Private Eyes”, “I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)”, “Maneater”.

They are on Philadelphia’s little known walk of fame on South Broad St. between Locust and Spruce along with other Philadelphia acts like Will Smith and DJ. Jazzy Jeff (I’m not making this up). I only know that this walk of fame is there because I used to live behind the Wilma Theater. Most people just walk over it not even knowing it’s there.

Posted on

80’s Flashback

“Do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. (American Psycho)”.

I remember this as one of my favorite 80’s video’s on MTV back when they still had videos on MTV and not just reality (and I use that word loosely) TV and completely scripted dating shows where parents and the kid dating their daughter/son talk shit to each other while watching their son/daughter/boyfriend/girlfriend go on a series of dates with the point of being to get the datee’s to spout out as many sexual innuendo’s as possible.  But that’s neither here nor there.

I really like the puppets in the video, essentially caricatures of the band and various political figures.  Plus the song rocks.

The video quality could be a little better on youtube but you get what you pay for right.

“But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio Land of Confusion, a great, great song, a personal favorite.”