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Texts From Last Night

By: Billy BeerSlugger

You know I was originally enthralled at the time wasting entertainment website called textsfromlastnight.com.  I would go on there and have a good laugh about text messages of drunken adventures and other generally comical happenings.

However, something clicked inside my head recently that I’m pretty sure I’m not going to follow TFLN as closely anymore and it’s not because I want to stop wasting time and be more productive or any crap like that.

I think I’m a little aghast at peering inside the text messages of girls talking to their girlfriends.  Man jokes like ” I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina” and “Her vagina looked like Bernie Madoff ” are hilarious to me.  I get them because I’m a man and this is the way I also think.  I’ve been on the sending and receiving end of these kinds of texts and my friends and I get a good chuckle out of them.  The text messages about drunken behavior not remembered by the person who did it is funny regardless of sex.

However, what I can’t look past anymore is the glimpse into Girls talking to other girls about what slutty situation precluded getting jizz in her hair or how they have to get a pregnancy test or how big their crap was.  Some things it’s better that men just aren’t privy to.

Now I know the HBO series Sex and the City kind of broke barriers in terms of the new millennium “Girl Talk” and ushered in a sort of sexual revolution where it’s a little more socially accepted for women to be a little promiscuous.  I’m not against girls getting what they want, sexually or otherwise but I’d rather not read or hear about the more disgusting and pig-like scenarios of the gender that is supposed to be better than men in that department.  I talked to a couple of girls and they say that they talk sort of like men when we’re not around.  A little more raunchy, a little less reserved, a little more Sex and the City.

So this brings me back to my revelation about textsfromlastnight.com the other day and why I’m semi-boycotting it.  All these girls and all their slutty stories about getting jizz in their hair and banging random dudes and broken moral compasses just make me sad. WHY?  Because someone is going to marry these girls, one of these girls I may date unsuspectingly.  It makes me a little angry to think that if I ever do get married, some douchebag could be roasting my future wife at this very moment and the funny story from it I could be reading on textsfromlastnight.com in my not so free time.  Who’s laughing then?

It may be a little bit hypocritical to like the guy sex stories and hate the girl sex stories but I just expect better out of women…. and if you’re a woman, you should too.

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Happy Fake Independence Day!

26602218_72f7f4431bBy: Luan Zuccarello

Do you get that patriotic feeling while you attend your BBQ, firework display or ball game? Sorry to burst your bubble but like most holidays the 4th of July is a fraud. The actual legal separation from Great Britain happened on July 2nd when the Second Continental Congress voted to approve a resolution of independence. I guess our founding fathers went out and got wasted that night because the hangover lasted till July 4th, when John Adams came up with the brilliant notion that they should write this down. The Declaration of Independence was drawn up but was not signed by everyone until the end of August 1776. My advice: party like a rock star from the beginning of July till the end of August. You are bound to celebrate the birth of our nation.

Fun Fact – Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Monroe all died on July 4th

Note: This article was published on the 8th of July but written on the 3rd.  Billy BeerSlugger was too busy drinking beers and manning a grill in honor of our founding fathers to get it in there.

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Drunken NFL prediction

Sports with Bob McFlurry

With all the prognostications and predictions going on about the coming NFL season I figured I might as well join in the mix.  Guess what people, the Arizona Cardinals, yes the same Arizona Cardinals who beat the Eagles in the NFC Championship game last January, WILL NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR.

Wow, did I really say that?  Yes it’s in the paragrph above you can look slightly up and see it.  Need I remind you that the Cardinals finished last season at 9-7 in an anemic NFC West Division.  Yes they have arguably the best wide receiver in the league in Larry Fitzgerald and a guy the Eagles should have traded a first rounder and what ever else the Cardinals wanted in Anquan Boldin.  They also have a guy at Quarterback who is about 50-50 to make the Hall of Fame in Kurt Warner.

Now despite their offesnive prowess and certain players on Defense like Adrian Wilson and Karlos Dansby, they are still the Arizona Cardinals.  The same Arizona or Pheonix Cardinals that have been an NFL doormat for since their move to the Grand Canyon State.

What evidence do I have to back this claim up? None whatsoever. Just an educated guess but if it comes through, Bob McFlurry is a genious becasue most of hte ESPIdiots have this team in the upper echelon of the NFC. In my humble opinion, not happening.

A team I think that is on the rise and will take the Cardinals place in the NFC playoffs next year is the San Francisco 49ers.  All the 49ers have to do is play consistently respectable offense (make more big plays than mistakes) and have a better than average special teams and they’re 10-6. They’re defense better be good because Hall of Famer and current 49ers Head Coach aint’ takin’ no bullshit over there and they have a top 3 middle linebacker in the league in Patrick Willis.

Overall, look for exactly what I said would happen, downfall of Cardinals despite the best receiver in the league and rise of an unheralded team back to prominence after 10 years.

If what I say does not happen I can blame it on being drunk and not my lack of Sports knowledge.

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“Under the Boardwalk… We’ll be fallin in love”.

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The Snozberries taste like Snozberries

By: Billy BeerSlugger

What is it about the shore that makes women get loose?  Is it the sea air, the salt water, the extended exposure to the sun?

There’s verifiable scientific evidence that girls get a little more rowdy, make out and spread their legs a little easier at the beach.

Does sand and sun give a girl the license to slut it up a little bit? To be fair, men seem to go through the same phenomenon but being that there is a terrible double standard that occurs when it comes to men and women being promiscuous, we’ll focus on the women, because they are ultimately the ones that have to agree to fornication.

Can some girls clue me into what’s going on here?  You know you’re not as apt to get crazy at a bar in Philly as you are in Sea Isle or Avalon or if you’re white trash, Wildwood.  Does being on a beach all day looking at scantily clad people peak your sex drive?  Does the beach hold mystical powers? Does the same lunar force that moves the ocean tide also make panties drop a little easier?

I’m convinced something is going on besides the level of inebriation.  Even the the “Mom” friend that usually won’t leave the bar without ALL her girls is more apt to allow a girlfriend to be kidnapped by a good enough looking man as well as get laid out on her back later on that night by a stranger.

Whatever it is… Thank You GOD!

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Fathers of American Beer: Adolphus Busch

adolphus_busch2By: Billy BeerSlugger

Adolphus Busch was a German born co-founder of Anheuser-Busch along with his father-in-law, Eberhard Anheuser.  He was the second youngest of 22 children and the family worked in winery’s and brewing supply.  He immigrated to the United States in 1857 with three of his brothers and settled in St. Louis.

In 1861 he married 17 year old Lilly Eberhard Anheuser and had 13 children. Busch served in the United States Army during the American Civil War for 14 months.  It was at this time that he learned his father had passed away and that he had been left a portion of the estate.

He used the money to start a wholesale brewing supply store.  Four year later he bought a share in his father-in-laws brewery (Bavarian Brewery) and the resulting company was called, Anheuser and Company.  In 1880 Eberhard Anheuser passed away and the name was changed to the Anheuser Busch Company.

The Anheuser Brewery was a rapid success. In 1891 he bought the trademark and name Budweiser from Carl Conrad and thus the most famous American beer was born.

Busch was intent on making his products a national brand.  Probably the most notable and ambitious endeavor was the creation of a network of rail-side ice houses which allowed the brewing industry’s first fleet of refrigerated rail cars to deliver beers to remote locations.  After Busch found a method to pasteurize the beer to keep it fresh the beer could now be shipped all over the country.  It was these two advances that made Anheuser-Busch become the successful, nationally recognized brands of beer that you find in the beer store today.

On November 18th 2008, the merging of InBev and Anheuser-Busch closed, creating Anheuser-Busch InBev which may or may not have made Adolphus roll over in his grave.

Some of you may be wondering why a German born brewer is one of the Fathers of American beer.  Well a majority if not all of the men on this list come from German descent.  If there’s two things Germans are good at it’s brewing beer and killing Jews (ohhh, that’s a bad joke).

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What was the Business World Thinking?! (Article 2)

Do you really expect me to take you seriously after seeing this?
Do you really expect me to take you seriously after seeing this?

By: Gene Yuss

I cialis order am going to start off that this is not necessarily a business policy, but a phenomenon that I viagra professional have seen in the business world.  None-the-less it is something that I have seen in office restrooms around the world and it absolutely drives me crazy.

I don’t make it a habit to notice what people do or don’t do when they are in the bathroom.  I like to think of that as some special private time to break up the normal business day.  However, I have noticed an alarming growth in the amount of people walking to the sink with their pants completely undone.  It is as if men have peaked at their bathroom prowess in the second grade.  Remember when you used to pull your pants down to your knees (some of you ankles) and then hold your shirt up?  Don’t act like you didn’t do it…

Businessmen seem to think that the only way to can go to the bathroom is by unbuttoning their pants, undoing their belt, and then going over the top of their underwear.  Do these people not realize that the zipper and the slit in their underwear line up perfectly for an easy exit?  People have spent hundreds of years developing fashion that is both useful and aesthetically pleasing.  Needing to completely take down your pants to urinate is a slap in the face of Mugatu and company.  There is no need to do anything further then unzip, pop out, and do your business.

Do you really expect me take your seriously in our 10 AM meeting when you go to the bathroom like a toddler?  If you are yet to master the art of the trouser, then how am I supposed to believe you can retrocede a stop-loss aggregate?  Absolutely no chance.

Men please listen.  Pee like an adult.  We need to improve our bathroom behavior in general.  Other suggestions, which will not be elaborated upon here, are simply:

  • Urinate in a urinal and sit at the toilet.  Period.
  • If you get stage fright and insist on urinating in the toilet, then put the seat up for the benefit of people behind you that plan on sitting.
  • Whoever is balling up toilet paper and throwing it in the corner, please just drop it in the toilet.
  • Don’t be afraid to write a phone number or quick haiku on the wall.  Why is this the only thing we have improved upon?

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