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Michael Jackson

amd_thrillerBy: Luan Zuccarello

You can think what you want about Michael Jackson but there is no denying his talent. The biggest selling album of all time, biggest crowd to see a concert, biggest video of all time, and 8 grammy’s in one night. He made MTV into what it used to be – A station dedicated to the art form of the music video. He gave us the moonwalk, the robot, and influenced dance for generations to come. Sure I would love to sit here and ridicule and bash the decisions and lifestyle of the man but I don’t think this is the time or place. Instead I would like to celebrate one of the greatest talents of our generation and the biggest pop star ever.

The Jackson 5 made their debut on “The Ed Sullivan Show,” in 1970, performing “ABC.” Much like the Beatle’s, years before, Michael Jackson was an instant success. At 10 years old Michael, sang and danced like a seasoned performer, and won the hearts of not just America but the World. Michael got older and like all good bands, The Jackson 5 folded. He then embarked on the most successful solo career anyone has ever seen. Some highlights include: Starring in “The Wiz” (the black Wizard of OZ), the release of “Thriller” in which he financed with a million dollars of his own money, Induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – twice, 13 Grammy Awards, and 13 number one singles.

Michael Jackson’s voice and sound was something no one had heard before. People have tried to copy but without much success his signature riffs and high notes. You know the one, you have done it too. You kick your leg and grab your crotch. He could sing Motown, ballads, and pop songs. He stretched the range of his talent and creativity and we have a wonderful catalogue of songs and videos because of him.

One great drunk debate that Beerslugger and myself often find ourselves in is: who is the best lead performer on stage? We usually throw out the obvious ones Axl Rose and Mick Jagger. But that got me to thinking, Michael Jackson might be the best performer in concert ever. The effects and productions he put on were so over the top and outrageous that I don’t think they can ever be duplicated. The guy actually put a jet pack on and flew off stage during a concert. Millions upon millions have packed arenas to cry and scream hysterically at the sight of him.
I finish on this note. I am a Michael Jackson fan, I’m not scared to admit it. However this dude has been dead to me for the last 10 years. I do feel bad he died but I am glad at the same time. Along with the all the bad and horrible things that are going to be brought up surrounding his death, his music and artistry will be showcased. Perhaps, this will make people remember the talent that was Michael Jackson.

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The Animal Kingdom

By: Billy BeerSlugger

As you may or may not know, I’m a huge fan of Animal Planet, The Discovery Channel and a host of other shows involving nature and animals.  There’s a lot you can learn from these shows and to tell you the truth, the food chain and how animals lower on the food chain then humans get their food is astonishing to me.

That so called “civilized” societies get their food from a grocery store and not the ever shrinking wilderness is a stark contrast to how things were just a couple hundred years ago. It’s nice to see that the Animal Kingdom is still ever reliant on nature for it’s food.

Wild Animals do it old school. They hunt. You don’t see a Bear going into 7-11 and buying a Salmon Slurpee or a Lion going into the Supermarket and roaring at the butcher for 10 pounds of Zebra fillets to throw on his grill. Not happening.  I ofter wonder, if our food supply suddenly was interrupted for an extended period of time how many people would die from just not knowing how the hell to acquire and cook food.  I’m not talking about foraging for canned food in an abandoned mini-mart, I’m talking about catching fish, hunting wild animals and planting/tending to your own fruits and vegetables like our ancestors.  A real life “Lost” scenario minus the parachuted food, hatches and electricity.  Do you think you would survive?

Anyway, that’s what goes on in my head when I’m not thinking about blow jobs or pizza or getting a blow job while eating pizza.  Here’s some animals that actually have to work for their food.

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911 Calls

9111By: Billy BeerSlugger

What’s up with the Police or whomever releasing 911 calls to news stations and entertainment websites like TMZ.com?  You would think that these calls would be considered private between the caller and the personnel at Emergency Services.  Who authorizes these calls to be released to these news and entertainment outlets or are they just leaked.  If they are leaked these people need to be fired.

Imagine you are a quasi-celebrity and something terrible happens to you or a friend or family member.  Do you want the whole world to hear a broadcast of the 911 call detailing the emergency and the frightened people trying to get help?  Do you want your family crisis to be exploited for ratings on the news?

It’s standard these days that when a person of note passes away suddenly that the 911 tape is released.  It’s “Breaking News” when the networks receive the tape.  “Next, the frantic 911 call trying to get Michael Jackson help!”.

Caller: He’s not breathing.

911: Ok, help is on the way.

Is this really necessary?  I know these news networks have 24 hours a day to fill with stories but I think some things are better left private.  What possibly does this contribute to the news story?  I know people are obsessed with some stories as evident by news stations covering kidnappings, lost persons and celebrity deaths and the 911 replay is just another way of keeping you glued to the station between commercial breaks but why does the general public need to hear the 911 call.  If things are still under investigation then I think that only the investigating party should have access to these calls.

Just doesn’t make sense to me but then again a lot of things, especially in mass media, do not make sense to me.

But I could be wrong….

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Billy Mays: Dead

billy_maysBy: Billy BeerSlugger

These things come in three’s.  First Farrah Fawcett, then the King of Pop Michael Jackson and now superstar infomercial spokesperson Billy Mays.  You know Billy Mays from such products as OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom and many other cleaning type products.

His death leaves us without a true torch bearer for “The Beard”.  No man since the new millennium has sported the beard with more pride or resolve.  So who will take up his mantle?  I can’t think of a single worthy person who continuously sports a beard in his everyday life.  Maybe a member of ZZ top, but you hope for someone a little more spry.

A true tragedy for the advertising world, Mays, Pennsylvania born, honed his pitch skills on the Atlantic City boardwalk after high school.  He recently appeared on an ESPN 360 commercial and had his own reality competition on Discovery Channel called Pitchmen.

Mays was on a plane from Philadelphia to Tampa which blew out a tire upon landing and had several objects strike him in the head due to the turbulence.  Though it is not clear whether this contributed to his death.

Mays was 50 years old, same as Michael Jackson.  Coincidence?  You make the call.

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Hank Baskett: Reality TV star

414px-hank-baskett-2008-camp-autographSports With Bob McFlurry

Now that Hank Baskett co-stars in his own TV show with former Playboy Playmate and current girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson, can we expect more from him on the field for the Eagles this year?  26 year old Baskett had 440yds last season on 33 catches with 3 touchdowns.  With the addition of rookie Wide Receiver Jeremy Macklin will Baskett’s touches diminish in an offense that has him as a third string or lower wide receiver?  Probably.  I was thinking Baskett may get cut in training camp but then I realized he’s the tallest  receiver on the team and a semi-valid special teams player.

It will be interesteing to say the least how the Wide Receiver plays out this season for the Birds.  With a healthy Kevin Curtis, Desean Jackson in a more prominent role, new addition Jeremy Macklin and 3rd down specialist Jason Avant it seems the odd men out may be Baskett and once promising receiver Reggie Brown in the touches per game department.  Though with the departure of Mr. Softy (Greg Lewis) and the uncertainty of how Macklin will fit into the receiving/returning roles there may be some more balls to go to Baskett and or Brown.  Only time will tell.

So how many episodes until Donovan Mcnabb appears on the Kendra show?  I give an over under of 6 if the show lasts that long, which it probably will given the surprisingly low brow tastes of teen, twenty and thirty something women (maybe gay men too).  One thing that will be interesting is the increased attention from NFL and ESPN announcers Hank Baskett will receive this upcoming season, though probably not because of his play.

I hope Kendra Wilkinson does not become the Jessica Simpson of the Philadelphia Eagles this year.  One thing the birds don’t need is any sort of omen of the pop culture kind, especially ones that used to play with Hugh Hefners old balls.  I wonder how Hank Baskett feels about Hugh Hefner banging his fiancee.  That had to be an awkward conversation and then to have your wedding at the Playboy Mansion and relive all those memories.  You must be proud Hank Baskett.  I’m raising my Schlitz can in honor of you chief.  Have a great season.

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Indian Giver

cryingindianBy: Billy BeerSlugger

Someone recently accused me of being an Indian Giver. It got me thinking about the etymology or whatever the origins of this terrible racial stereotype came from.

First I’m thinking we essentially ripped off the Indians for their land and they asked for it back.  Our Forefathers got the Indians drunk and either got them to straigt up sign over the land rights or sold them beads and whiskey for it.  I can just see British Colonists at the local watering hole laughing about the Indians asking for the land back after being swindled out of it.

In my extensive research consisting of Wikipedia and some other shit I made up, it seems that American Indians expected something of equal value in return when they gave you something.  Apparently if you didn’t offer anything they asked for the given item back.  Probably just a cultural misunderstanding between American Indians and British/American Colonists but I think the Indians are getting a really bad rap about this.  I mean even in our Imperialist, Manifest Destiny conquering of North America someone had to feel really bad about this.

It’s only until the last 15 years or so that we as a country have begun to try and pay the Indians back.  What did we do?  We gave them tax free Casino’s.  Hilarious.  Let’s give them a place to get drunk and lose their money.  Does no one else see the irony in this?

I’ve decided not to use the racial stereotype “Indian Giver” anymore and I’ll be visibly upset if you call me one even if I did give you that half bottle of Old Grandad thinking I’ll never drink it then asking for it back after the bar closed.  I may even shed a single tear like the Indian pictured above.

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Wisdom From A Bathroom Wall

img00149
I was drunk when I took this picture.

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I did Center City Sipps yesterday. Went to Ladder 15, was never there before but it seemed like an OK crowd, lots of trim. Apparently there’s an upstaris bar as well which i checked out briefly. Overall I give the place a B-. I would have gone C+ but the bartender’s uniforms are quite lovely.

Anyway, over a couple of “Ladder Beers” or whatever was on special besides Bud Light I had a discussion with my friend about the art of making out in a bar. I had expeditiously downed about 5 beers before this conversation started and I was convinced I could find a sled dog to play tonsil hockey with. Though in my inebriation I had forgotten it was 6:15 PM and still light out for at least 2 hours. At this point my friend and I came to the conclusion that it is near impossible to make out with a girl that you don’t know during happy hour. I’m known for making out in bars and even I was not going to try this out. Of course this rule is completely thrown out the window if you are on vacation or at the shore. I’m lucky I didn’t re-acquire Mono after so many No Shower Happy Hour dance floor make out sessions in Sea Isle last year.

That being said, I eventually moseyed over to one of my favorite bars in the city, Oscar’s which was located on the same block of Samson street. While relieving myself in the bathroom I discovered this little nugget of wisdom, “No Matter How Hot She Is, Some Guy is Tired of Her Shit“. Some of the truer words i’ve ever seen scribbled on the wall of a bathroom stall.

You’ve been there, walking down the street and a gorgeous girl walks by or at a bar and see a girl being hounded for attention by a horde of horny men. She’s gorgeous, there’s no denying that, however, she’s also using these good looks as leverage against the man (men) in her life to get what she wants. So you walk by her and wish you could be with her while the guy she’s dating is going insane putting up with all the baggage that a really hot girl entails.

Kind of puts things into perspective.

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Black Eyed Peas Vs. Perez Hilton

By: Billy BeerSlugger

A story like this only comes around once in a while so I’m going to try and enjoy this.  In case you didn’t know I’m a  fan of neither the Black Eyed Peas or Perez Hilton, however, sometime this past weekend, will.i.am (sic), Fergalicious and the Black Eyed Peas manager allegedly got into a fight with Celebrity Blogger Perez Hilton.  This altercation left Hilton (whose real name is Mario Lavandeira) with some facial lacerations and probably a bruised ego.

Apparently this all stemmed from Perez Hilton calling Fergie “Fugly” and calling the Black Eyed Peas music crap.  Unfortunately, I have to agree with the gay man on this one, Fergie’s face is all messed up from all the Meth she used to do (although her body is great) and The Black Eyed Peas haven’t come out with a good song since “Let’s Get Retarded” which they promptly sold out and changed the lyrics to “Let’s get it started”.  That’s besides the point though.

The reason I’m extremely happy this transpired is because The Black Eyed Peas are like this mega pop group that is respected and loved by millions of fans and the press.  So much so that will.i.am (sic) was interviewed via hologram from the victory party for Barack Obama winning the Presidential Election.  Like CNN couldn’t have gotten a more influential black person to interview via hologram on this ground breaking night such as Martin Luther King’s widow or children, just a thought.  And Perez Hilton is pretty much the antithesis of what he pretends to stand for.  The man is basically famous for following around celebrities, taking pictures of these celebrities and drawing cartoon jizz or penis on them as well as outing celebrities who are not yet ready to come out of the closet.  If he’s such a champion of gay rights you would think that he would let these people of alternative lifestyles to announce their gayness on their own terms and not on his crap website.  I mean what if the guy / girl didn’t tell their parents yet.  They found out over the news or something.  Just bad taste if you ask me.

Anyway, something else I found funny was that Hilton called will.i.am (sic) a faggot during the altercation.  Isn’t that kind of like a black person calling a white person a n!gger in a fight?  I know the intention was to demean and attack will.i.am (sic) saying he has sex with men, but coming from a person who has sex with men, doesn’t it lose a little bit of it’s luster?

From the Wikipedia:

Name Calling:

Propagandists use the name-calling technique to incite fears and arouse prejudices with the intent that invoked fear based on fearmongering tactics will encourage those that read, see or hear propaganda to construct a negative opinion about a person, group, or set of beliefs or ideas that the propagandist would wish the recipients to denounce. The method is intended to provoke conclusions and actions about a matter apart from an impartial examinations of the facts of the matter. When employed, name-calling is thus a substitute for rational, fact-based arguments against an idea or belief, based upon its own merits.

So effectively Perez Hilton using a homophobic slur to paint a negative picture of will.i.am (sic) and the gay community and their set of beliefs is effectively the opposite of the gay rights he champions so much.

That being said I still have much disdain for both the Black Eyed Peas and Perez Hilton, they could both fall off a cliff and I wouldn’t watch their joint funeral on CNN.

So who wins this war of words and fisticuffs? You certainly don’t, it’s on your TV, on your radio and on your Internet including BeerSlugger.com.

Below is the video rebuttal to will.i.am’s (sic) video blog of the occurrences the night of the altercation.  I tell you, i can’t stand it when women cry.  If a girl cries, your mom, your sister, your aunt, your girlfriend who ever, no matter how obtuse the reasoning, it always gets me, i fell sorry for them a little.  But when a grown man cries (especially a girly man) I don’t know why but I find it utterly hilarious.  Fast forward to the end to see him sobbing.

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What was the Business World Thinking?! (Article 1)

Spoonie Booking us a Tee-Time

 

By: Gene Yuss

 

 

 

INTRODUCTION:

 

As previously indicated in a prior article, I work in Big Business.  I love the smell of commerce in the morning.  I’m currently stationed on Wall Street for a project.  Yes I consult – I’m a problem solver.

  I stay in nice hotels, eat at lavish restaurants, and rub elbows with executives.

 

In the course of wheeling and dealing I come across some things that completely blow my mind.  I can’t fathom what exactly the genius that made the decision was thinking…  This will be the first of a weekly series that will air these grievances (I’m aware it is very “Grinds My Gears”-esque… Deal with it).

 

You will recognize my rise to power as these grievances become fixed.  Someone has to bring some logic to this topsy-turvy world that we live in!

 

DIALING OUT WHEN IN AN OFFICE BUILDING

 

For those of you that are unaware, there is a certain protocol that businesspeople have to follow when attempting to place a call in an office building.  You must first dial “9” to get out of the building connections, then “1” for the long distance, and finally the number you intend to call.

 

Twice in my life I have had an extremely unpleasant result from placing a call while in the office.  These incidents were extremely uncalled for and could have undoubtedly been avoided.

 

Picture this: you need to call the Ritz in Boston to make sure the simpleton at the concierge desk properly arranged for your suite.  You dial “9”, then “1”, and then you unexplainably sneeze on queue and press the “1” again.  The natural reaction is to realize your error, hang up and place the call again.  You have just inadvertently crank-called 911.

 

The cities of Denver and New York (New York being a week or so ago) have both felt the wrath of a 911 crank-call from myself.

 

Denver: Three years ago.  The police responded in record time.  There were five cop cars that arrived to the office within 10 minutes.  Several of them stormed the office building and eventually made their way to the conference room that I was stationed in.  I was still speaking with my supervisor at the time, but the phone call was unfortunately cut short by the irate questioning of Denver’s finest.  They appreciated my honesty and left glad to have a potential crisis averted.

 

New York:  Apparently in the wake of 9/11 and during an economic crisis the NYPD has trouble finding the lighter side of certain situations.  Accompanied by a team of secret service / SWAT / miscellaneous security personnel, New York’s finest stormed the office on Pine Street.  The first two officers had their guns drawn and swept the floor while the supporting cast locked down the elevator area.  I explained what happened and attempted to crack a joke about them over-pursuing a perpetrator like Enos chasing the General Lee.  I didn’t even get a chuckle!

 

 

Why does the first number have to be “9”?  Why are we setting ourselves up for this disaster?  We could have probably used any of the other numbers and not created this possibility for disaster.  Granted that “1” wouldn’t make very much sense for redundancy and “0” is dedicated for the operator, but that leaves seven other numbers that are all great choices.

 

211 – information about local health and human services

311 – information about government services

411 – white pages phone directory

511 – provides transportation information (traffic, public transportation, etc.)

611 – used to report problems with telephone services

711 – a relay service that allows deaf people to converse over the phone through an operator

811 – a direct line to your telephone company that is providing your current service

 

Taking these current conventions into consideration, the obvious choices are “6” and “7”.

 

“6” would probably be my first choice.  Obviously if you are having a problem with your telephone service, then CALLING the company to tell them is going to be difficult.  For those of you that have another phone, cell phone, stripper that lets you borrow her mobile, etc. than you can simply call 811 or the company’s designated 1-800 number.  Also, “6” looks very similar to “9” so the transition should be seamless.  However, “6” is close to “9” on the keypad and really leaves open the possibility of a miss-key.  Yet, being the first number dialed you should recognize your mistake well before striking a second “1”.

 

“7” is also a great choice.  I vote this second simply because someone somewhere is going to freak out that we are taking away rights from the handicapped.  While I prefer to avoid such arguments, I’m not going to turn a blind eye to this one (zing!).  With all of the technology and telecommunications in the world that we have today there is absolutely no need for a deaf person to rely on the telephone.  The mere thought of this is incredulous.  I called the company while I was writing this article to get further information.  They were furious that I was not deaf and using their service.  I started responding “What?!” every time they asked something and they hung up on me.  Again my humor was lost…  “7” is probably a better choice because of location on the keypad, but I’m not volunteering to have a discussion with the deaf on why their relay service was discontinued.

 

In conclusion, “9” was a terrible choice simply because 911 is a line dedicated for emergencies.  The emergencies that go through their switchboards should never be delayed because of juvenile mischief or ill-timed mucus.  Really – What was the Business World Thinking?

 

 

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Kim Kardashian – How she became a star

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I don’t have any time to frame and of my newest article ideas eloquently right now so I figured I’d go with old faithful, CHICKS.

You probably know who Kim Kardashian is.  She’s got an awful TV show, she posed for Playboy and she modeled for something or other.  Probably has her own clothing line and fragrance like every other Reality Tv Star.  She’s got a big ass and is nominally hot. Needless to say I’d give her the high hard one but when is that saying much.

Anywhoodle, besides being the daughter of one of the jackoff lawyers that got O.J. off for murder, she’s famous for (what else) having a sex tape.  Apparently taking a lesson in upping your profile from such upstanding celebrities as Paris Hilton, Kardashian made the sex tape with then boyfriend R & B singer Brandy’s brother, Ray J.

Now at this point you may be saying, “Yea, I know she has a sextape”.  However, have you seen it?

Well I’m not going to embed the video right into the page since some 70% of the BeerSlugger faithfull log on from work, but you can click on this link and watch it at home if you want you naughty little monkey.  Of course I’ll label the video as (NSFW) Not Safe For Work so don’t complain to me if your boss calls you to his/her office and asks you why you’re on Pornhub.com at work.

Ps: You’re welcome.

Pss: I wonder how Reggie Bush feels about all of this.  At what point (as a girl) do you tell a guy you’re interested in dating seriously that there’s a SexTape of you on the internet?  I’m sure Reggie Bush already knew but the question still stands ladies.