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Social Networking / Dating Profile Pictures – That’s not you?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

While I had to retire from social networking a while back, one thing that I did notice is that people put the absolute best ever pictures on their profiles.  Like they went to Glamor Shots and then had them retouched.  Most people’s profile pictures will be from some vacation when they have a really good tan, the wind is blowing through their hair, the lighting is just right.  Possibly a night at a bar when they looked especially good, makeup, hair and outfit were all working in unison.   Neck crooked in such a way to stretch out their second chin.  Maybe just a headshot if they don’t want to reveal the shape of the rest of their body.  Possibly a head and chest shot if that’s what’s working. Maybe they had the photo taken in or converted to black and white, hiding even more imperfections.

You’ve went on some of your girl friend’s profiles and been like, “Damn she looks good”.  Well fellas it’s a little but of camera trickery.  They don’t really look that good, but for a split second in time, when the planets aligned correctly, they took some really good pictures.  And it’s not to say they’re not pretty, it’s just that they’re not as pretty as their best picture suggests.

I understand if you are using one of these social networks/dating sites to lure in men or women, I get that.  You’re trying to market yourself to someone else and putting your best stuff up there will maximize your hits or comments or messages or friends.  Makes sense, I guess when I used the social networks I kinda did the same things.

The weirder thing is when non-single women (and men but I really have never perused men’s profiles) continue to put their best pictures on the site for purposes of their own ego, even after they have found their “special someone”.  Crying out for attention, “Hey look at me, I’m pretty“.  Receiving comments, friend requests and messages from random deushe bags telling her so, “Hey girl you look fiyne!  Thanks for the add!“.  Letting her know she’s still got it.  All the while in the back of her head she reasons she can still go out and find another guy if need be and be confident enough to use that pseudo-fact in an arguement with the significant other.

I could be wrong, it could be for a photo competition with their friends.  Her best photo against all her friends best photos, leave each other messages like, “You’re so pretty” and then talk about the person behind their back.  Don’t think this kind of stuff doesn’t happen.

I’ll never get women.  I’m pretty sure if they didn’t have vagina’s I wouldn’t even talk to them.  Maybe to get their opinion on paint colors for a room but that’s about it.  Meanwhile I’m relegated to a life of dealing with them.

On that note I’m getting drunk tonight….

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Michael Vick – The UnderDog

71465466RM003_Dallas_Cowboy
Slurpers are now Haters and some Haters are now Pulling for Him

By: Billy BeerSlugger

You know when everyone and their Mom was slurping Michael Vick when he came into the league in 2001 I was hating on this guy.  Ask anyone who knows me, I’ve never been a Michael Vick fan.  Great Athlete Yes, Great Quarterback No.  I don’t think that you were going to get a legit Super Bowl run out of this guy even if the dude wasn’t incarcerated for a couple years.

So as you probably know Vick was indited on Federal Charges of running a dog fighting ring.  Regardless of whether that’s part of the culture in the South or whatever, it’s just wrong.  Getting dogs to fight each other and wagering on this dog and that dog is ludicrous (notice correct spelling and not the spelling of rapper Ludacris who also hails from Atlanta).  He should have been jailed etc and it was handled appropriately by the authorities but was a media circus.

So now Vick is supposed to get out of jail soon.  Reports claim that he will resume football workouts as soon as he gets out.  If he gets reinstated into the league, would you want him on your team?  Not just the Eagles but any team in the NFL?  The majority of people will say no, he killed dogs they shouldn’t let the guy play anymore and those people are entitled to their opinion.

I’ll just point out some other things that have happened:

1) In 2000, Ray Lewis and two companions were indicted on Aggravated Assault and Murder charges which were eventually dropped for lack of evidence.   Though the murderers were never found, it was Lewis and his entourage that got into a fight with the people that were later murdered outside on the street.  Coincidence? Maybe, but as anyone who watches the Soprano’s knows, money can buy you a lot in the justice system.  Witnesses, good attorneys etc.

What I do know is that after a year or so of public scrutiny, Ray Lewis is one of the more admired and respected players in the NFL right now.

2) In 2005, Cornerback Fred Smoot was charged with organizing a boat party in which prostitutes were hired for sexual favors upon the boats which also had a good portion of the Minnesota Vikings team on them.  Sounds like good old clean American fun to me but shit hit the fan when several of the Minnesota Vikings were accused of urinating on a womans yard.  Then the cleaning crew for the boat company found empty KY-Jelly packets, sex toy wrappers and used condoms.

Yes there was some backlash about this, some fines were handed out and I think Smoot was the only one even suspended for a game.  All in all though I guess it’s less harm than killing dog’s but worth mentioning.

3) Former Eagle Donte’ Stallworth was recently arrested of DUI manslaughter for hitting someone in the early morning while driving in Miami.  As I can attest shit does go into all hours of the night in Miami.  He has yet to be tried I beleive but if he was convicted and probably given a light sentence similar to Vick’s, would he be allowed to play in the NFL again?

4) Don’t even get me started on Pacman Jones.  He was suspended for the entire 2007 season for his role in a mele that left s strip club owner paralyzed.  There’s too much other stuff to list for this dude but allegedly he tried to hire people to kill a witness in an on going investigation.  True or not?  I don’t know but this dude got several second chances.

I guess in Vicks case he repeatedly and knowingly defied the law but I don’t see a hell of a lot of difference in his misdeeds than the list NFL players above.

I still don’t like Vick personally or think he will come back into the NFL and make a great impact on a team, but now that all the people who were slurping him in the early part of the 2000’s are now on the opposite side of the fence, I think I’m kinda rooting for Michael Vick now.  He’s an underdog (pun intended).  Everyone loves an underdog and America loves to build someone up just to tear them down and them build them back up again.

As I said I don’t like the dude, I’m a dog lover, but I am rooting for Michael Vick.

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Latisse – More Bullshit for Women to Buy

By: Billy BeerSlugger

So there’s this new drug out there that makes your eyelashes grow.  I wasn’t even aware this was a disease but apparently hypotrichosis is when you have short eyelashes.  Man that must suck.  I mean of all the things to be afflicted with, I wouldn’t wish short eyelashes on anyone.

But seriously, some people may need this.  In the 90 some seconds of research I’ve done for this article I’ve seen some pretty alien looking women with little to no visible eyelashes.  The sad fact is that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of women will now ask their doctor for this drug that do not actually need it.  Cougars will probably blow a pharmacist to get this stuff.

Latisse is a once-daily prescription treatment applied to the base of the upper eyelashes which supposedly increases eyelash prominence, length, thickness and darkness.  Side effects include possible itching and redness, permanent darkening of the eyelid skin, possible brown pigmentation to the colored part of the eye, hair growth if Latisse is applied to the area outside the eyelashes and variation in eyelash growth direction.  But hey it’s approved by the FDA and they are never wrong, ever.

What’s the next vanity drug to come out? If a drug that helps you get longer eylashes is any indication of what  companies are going to market to women to look marginally better then the sky’s the limit.  I mean come on if  Women are injecting the Botulism Virus into their faces then they’ll pretty much do anything to look subjectively prettier.

A funny sidenote to Botox is that a little while ago their slogan on commecials was, “Express yourself”.  It’s hilarious when you think that Botox is injected to paralyze muscles in the face.  Typically facial expression is more or less limited after Botox, thus the Zinger.

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Hoegaarden vs. Allagash White

whiteBy: Billy BeerSlugger

It’s funny that Hoegaarden is regarded as the premier witbeer these days.   Even some of my friends will split a case of it at a BBQ or guys weekend.  I don’t really regard it as much of a session beer so I really can’t reason why someone (without ovaries) would get a whole case of it, but that’s neither here nor there.

What I wanted to focus on is how and why has Hoegaarden become the preeminent White Beer in America.  It’s pretty much standard in any non-corner bar in Philadelphia and has been steadily growing in popularity since i was introduced to it in 2004.  I understand it’s a pretty good beer, some consider it the best Witbeer in the world.  I just think this is a case of good marketing and hype over substance.

Before you get all over me for putting down your favorite beer, i do think Hoegaarden is a good beer.  I just don’t think it’s good enough to be considered “The Best” White Beer.  I can only view people who see it as the best white as people who have yet to sample the best of the Witbeers. Plus it’s so hip and cool right now it makes me want to throw up on my Birkenstocks.

In my travels I sampled a bunch of White Beers and I’ve even profiled one or two on BeerSlugger.com so far.  I can proudly say that up to this point Allagash White is the best Witbeer I have ever had (queue Hoegaarden backlash). I’m not the only one either, BeerAdvocate lists Allagash White as an A- whilst they list Hoegaarden as B+.

I’ll agree that Hoegaarden is the archetypal White Beer but like a cover song that turns out to be better than the original, Allagash just does it better.  I find Allagash much fresher tasting (probably because it’s brewed in America).  Most American interpretations of the Witbeer style lack a certain amount of acidity but Allagash get’s it pretty much right on.

So next time you’re at the bar and a friend, relative or colleague orders a Hoegaarden you now have something to talk about.  Allagash White.  And if you’re looking to be a little more individualistic and beer snobish than your friends, rock an Allagash White instead of Hoegaarden. If you ever have the chance to sample Allagash White I reccomend highly that you do so.  You will not be disapointed.  Plus it’s American.

From the Allagash Website:

Available in: 12 oz and 750 ml bottles, 15.5 and 5.17 gal kegs
ABV: 5.0%
Original Gravity: 1048
Recommended Serving Temp: 34°F to 50°F

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Flying Fish – ESB Ale

label-esbBy: Billy BeerSlugger

I’m at the beer distributor with Zaccurulo and we’re deciding on what case of beer to get wasted on.  We see a sign for this Flying Fish ESB Ale in the front of the store for $20.00 and 2 free flying fish glasses.  It wasn’t cold so we went and looked in the freezer for it and asked one of the workers if they had another case of it or if all the Flying Fish was on special.  He said that the flying fish in the front of the store was past the born on date by a couple of days and that’s why it was on special.

That gets me to thinking whether or not most of the “on sale/special” beer is close to or past it’s born on date?  The difference between a regular case of Flying Fish and the “on special” Flying Fish ESB was over $10.  Eventually we compromised and got the ESB and the two free pint glasses.

At 5.5%abv they sneak up on you and after 4 or 5 you get a pretty good buzz on.  It’s got some bite to it but still drinks like an ale.  Which for me means schwilling them back with no regard for work in the morning.  I’m not sure if I was hungover or still drunk when I woke up.

I made my signature macaroni and cheese with ground beef, onions and green peppers but this time added some spaghetti and hot sauce to it.  One of the most amazing drunk foods ever invented.  Eventually I’ll put the recipe on here.

From the Flying Fish Website:

This ESB is a classic British extra special bitter made fresh with an American slant. A beautiful copper color with an amber head, this classic style features five different malts, including imported English malts, and three hop varieties. The rich malty start features caramel notes that develop into a smooth, pleasurable hop finish.

Malts: Two-row pale, Munich, Aromatic, and English Medium Crystal.
Hops: Magnum, Fuggles, Yakima Golding
Yeast: English Ale
Original Gravity: 14.3 Plato
Alcohol by volume: 5.5%
Formats: 12 oz. bottles,1/2 kegs, 1/6 kegs, cask-conditioned
Availability: Year round

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100th Post Extravaganza

It's ok... I'm a drunk too! I like to get stoned and play make believe.
It's ok... I'm a drunk too!

By: W.J. BeerSlugger

We’ve been at this since the middle of February and this is in fact the 100th post on the site.  I was going to do some sort of retrospective on the posts to this date but you can just go back and read them if you havent already.  Some were good, some were bad but overall I think we’ve come a long way in 3 months.  We introduced the BeerSlugger.com t-shirt (online ordering will be available shortly) and even got into the modeling business.

However, this post isn’t about BeerSlugger.com, it’s about you the reader.  Thanks for logging on and reading this bullshit.  It does take time to write these articles and thanks for bearing with the grammatical mistakes and posts that may have been over your head or not explained well enough.  We’re working on those things but sometimes we write drunk and it’s a wonder anything makes sense at all.  Did you ever think something is so interesting or such a good idea when you’re drunk and then you wake up the next day and you’re like “What was I thinking?”.  We’ve had some of those moments on and off the site.  Stick with us though, we’re gonna get through this.

So here’s what we know about you BeerSlugger reader.  You go on BeerSlugger.com from work, an escape from the monotony of your Mon-Fri, 9-5.  Occasionally you may check in on a Sunday afternoon if you missed it on Friday but primarily you’re a weekday warrior when it comes to BeerSlugger.com.

Traffic trends suggest that you don’t log in on Wednesday as much as any other week day for whatever reason.  Good for you for getting actual work done on Wednesday (hump day) and not rotting your brain looking at this site.  You probably got an “Atta Boy!” and a pat on the back from your boss for all the great work you do on Wednesday. We salute you as well.  We may just take Wednesday off and get drunk if you guys aren’t going to log on on Wednesday’s.

Trends also suggest that you log on in great number on Mondays and Fridays.  We’re always there for you on a hungover Monday at the office or on Friday when you get absolutely no work done and skip out early.  We’re glad to be a part of that.

You probably like beer (and who doesn’t). We’re going to profile more beers as this was one of  the original intentions of the site.  We have some ideas of touring local breweries and profiling a bunch of their beers (hopefully getting some free beer to take home).  It will be like when Mr. Rogers took a tour of the Crayon Factory only we won’t be wearing a blazer and we will be getting drunk.

You probably think some of the stories are remotely interesting or you wouldn’t log on again and again (yea we’re tracking IP addresses that’s how we know).    Maybe you like the science and technology posts, maybe you like the beer posts, maybe you like some of the funny stories.  We’ll strive to bring you better and better stories on the next 100 posts.  And hey if you have a story you want to put on BeerSlugger.com please email it to info@beerslugger.com.  We’ll put that shit up there.  You gotta come up with a cool name though, I’ll give you some examples, “Dick Stickly” or “Jack Lumber”.  Get creative, go nutzzzz.

So overall, thank you.  Tell your friends, your co workers, your mom and dad about BeerSlugger.com and please email us with any suggestions.

Sincerely,

W.J. BeerSlugger

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Miss California, Gay Backlash, The Liberal & Right Wing Media

By: W.J. BeerSlugger

Usually I try to stay away from these crappy political battles that don’t matter and actually detract, if anything, from the real news the Mega Corporations that run the news should be reporting on.  However, I kind of can’t stay away from this one.

I guess i’ll give you a brief synopsis of the back story that started this sh!tstorm.  Carrie Prejean, Miss California and a contestant for Miss America was asked by Celebrity Blogger (and noted Homosexual) Perez Hilton, a judge, what her thoughts were on Gay Marriage.  Ms. Prejean answered that she did not believe in same sex marriage, stating she was brought up that way.

You gotta give her a little credit for sticking to her guns.  In this day and age where supporting Gay Marriage (publicly) is akin to peeing your pants in the movie Billy Madison, it’s refreshing to see someone in the spotlight answer that question opposingly.

So Miss California did not win Miss America and afterward, judge Perez Hilton went on to to a Youtube video describing why she lost and calling her some mean names:

I guess he makes a good point, she could have answered in the way that takes the personal belief out of it and puts the onus on state or federal government.  That’s the politcially correct way to handle that question.  Nonetheless, the way she answered the question doesn’t make her wrong.  It’s her opinion (unless otherwise scripted by Donald Trump’s minions).

Now for the last week or so all you hear on the news and read about on news websites is Miss California this and Carrie Prejean that.  So you have the right wing media supporting her for opposing gay marriage and the left wing media bashing her for being a whore naive model.

The left wing media bringing out that she allegedly posed topless for some photos while younger, which is against pageant rules.  Also that, allegedly, the Miss California pageant company paid for breast implants.

Surprisingly, all I can think about is WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT MS. CALIFORNIA THINKS ABOUT SAME SEX MARRIAGE!  She’s in a beauty pageant not running for office.  Get this story off my iGoogle newsfeed page and out of what little TV news I watch (but keep me informed if any more naked pictures come out).

What really drove me to write this article was a piece i saw on the Kieth Olberman program.  I was so angry with it I actually watched the whole 6 minute 40 second clip.  Here it is:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I can’t stand Kieth Olbermann . I can’t believe people on the left take his gospel as the Word of God when a few years ago this guy was spouting out one-liners at dunks and home runs as a sports jockey for ESPN.  I got into a discussion with a bar patron recently and he was all about Olbermann.  Saying how he thought Kieth was great American and that he loved his rants.  I’ll admit Olbermann can spout off a good rant but I’d look pretty serious too if I had a ton of writers coming up with rant content for me.  As I delved more deeply into the root of his man crush on Olbermann the guy says, “He really goes after Bill O’Reilly and I hate that guy.”.  I guess that’s a valid point but going after Bill O’ is why Olbermann is even a blip on the news anchor radar these days.  It’s why people like him and from what I’ve seen he has devoted a lot of time to the subject.  He’s more known for policing Bill O’Reilly show than his own journalism.

After conveying these tidbits to the bar patron he accuses me of being a Bill O’Reilly lover which I denied.  I told him I try to get my news and opinion from less biased sources.  I cited that I thought both O’Reilly and Olbermann were puppets of their respectively right and left leaning TV networks and thus reported stories a certain way for political and or economic interests.

“Oh well you gotta admit Olbermann is better then O’Reilly… come on”.  I said that’s kind of like saying Athelete’s Foot is better than Jock Itch in my book chief!

One of the more Hilarious points about the Miss California story is that everyone knows who she is now and she’s not even Miss America.  Anyone know Miss America’s name?  I bet she’s pissed.  She won and the runner up is the big story.

note:  Sorry, this should have been two posts and I really didn’t want to overuse the videos in the article but that’s just the way it happened.  Better journalism when I start getting paid and bow into the will of the interests of my sponsors.

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Magic Mushrooms – Public Service Announcement

magicmushrooms_article
They Grown on Cow Shit? Really?

By: Billy BeerSlugger

I am by no means a druggie.  I have been to known to smoke weed from time to time but most of my inebriation occurs from drinking.  That doesn’t mean that I didn’t dabble in the occasional recreational chemical back in the day.  I just got a call from my buddy Teddy Toronto and he mentioned doing some mushies sometime this summer, possibly in a beach scenario.  “Just when I thought I was out… They pull me back in.”.

While I’ll never seriously consider putting a powdery substance up my nose, mushrooms hold a special place in my dead brain cells heart.  As a freshman in (community) college I had a friend who worked as a freelance street pharmacist.  While his main product was colored green, once in a while he would come across a large bag of mushrooms to distribute.  Being such a close friend with the lad I was given a steep discount off of street value, $15-$20 an 1/8.

Having just gone through a breakup with my high school girlfriend I was looking to express myself and my newly found college independence (even though I still lived at home).  What a better way to test my mettle then by taking mushrooms once or twice a week for a little more than a month.  Does a month qualify as a binge?

Anyway, I can remember going to the movies and eating mushrooms in the parking lot.  My friends and I went in and saw The Sixth Sense, a movie at the time, while on mushrooms, I thought was utterly terrible.  I was too messed up to follow it and amused myself by throwing popcorn at people and laughing at parts of the movie that weren’t supposed to be funny.  After the movie will mark the only time I have ever driven a motor vehicle on mushrooms.  Going 60mph in a 25 like I was in some sort of video game and all I had to do was push the reset button if I crashed.  Turfing up a local sports field until my friend had convinced me to drive back to his house and put the car in park.  Laughing the whole time, shit eating grin from ear to ear.

There was a night when a group of my friends took them and hung out in one of our bedrooms with a blacklight and strobe light on at the same time.  What an amazing and moving trip that was, especially when the strobe light was shut off and the black light was still on.  “Whoaaaaa!!!” was articulated by everyone in the room in unison.  It was on this trip that I just couldn’t fathom why the Notorious BIG had to die.

Another time I took what amounted to one and a half eighth’s (sorry I didn’t feel like converting the metrics on that).  The most I have ever taken and this was the only time I really felt like I was seeing things.  We walked to a local pizza shop and a graveyard on the way seemed cartoonish, but only out of the corner of my eye.  If I looked at it straight on it was a regular graveyard. It was as if this whole other world was hiding from me yet inviting me to join it at the same time.  Coming down from this trip, sitting alone in a chair on an enclosed porch, I still to this day am convinced I had figured out at least 84.37541% of the worlds problems.  I only wish I had a tape recorder to capture the ideas racing through my head for those two or so hours.  The world may be a better place.

I guess the last time I took any sort of mushroom product was while living at my fraternity house.  A gentleman was passing out mushrooms during hell weekend and soon after a talking dolphin disguised as mailbox began shouting at the pledges… RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE RABBLE.  I never laughed so hard in my life.

Those were the days.

Some things I’ve noticed while on them is yawning on the onset of tripping (these things aren’t working).  A heightened sense of awareness and want to go out and “do stuff” while on them.  Mushrooms are definitely an outdoor activity.  If I couldn’t speed walk somewhere while on mushrooms I’d probably eat my own head off.  You can drink a ton on Mushrooms.  I guess since you are tripping you really don’t notice you’re drunk or something.  There is a sense of kinship with the other people you took them with while tripping.  They may be the only people on the planet who get what you are going through at that point and there’s an unspoken understanding of that.

I am in no way condoning the use of Magic Mushrooms, just telling you some of the hijinks and experiences I got into while I was on them.

Stay off drugs kids…

Sincerely,

W.J. BeerSlugger

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It’s Boner Time…

By: Billy BeerSlugger

You’ve seen them from time to time on a late night infomercial.  Extagen, Enzyte, Alzare, Extenze, Longitude, Size Max, VigRX, MagnaRX and Androenlarge.  All promise to make your member larger, usually dealing with girth as opposed to length.

I’ll focus on Extenze because I feel like that’s the one I’ve seen for the last couple of years.  One late night I got home from a drunken adventure and was flipping through channels.  I flipped by and saw Porn Legend Ron Jeremy hocking this boner pill.  Yea I watched just like you did chief.

Here’s what Extenze claims:

What will ExtenZe® Do For Me?*

  • Enlarge your penis and erection.
  • Give you harder, more frequent erections.
  • Give you more intense orgasms.
  • Make your erections last longer.
  • Makes getting an erection easier and more reliable.
  • Enhance desire, power, pleasure and performance.
  • Improve your overall sex life and penile sensitivity.

Several things I found funny were that in the infomercial they had a guy in a lab coat swishing around colored liquids in a beaker and pills rolling off an assembly line like this was somehow going to convince me that it’s credible and actually going to make my bird grow.  It’s clearly science.

Two, they have a real medical doctor endorsing it.  Dr. Daniel Stein, founder of the Stein Medical institute finds it thoroughly effective after extensive research.  I don’t know of anyone that has ever heard of the Stein Medical Institute. Do these doctors that go on TV and endorse these bullsh!t products get sanctioned at all?  Like the MD who endorsed Hydroxycut and then a couple months later Hydroxycut is taken off store shelves.

Three, as stated in the commercial, men all over the world have taken Extenze and over a quarter of a billion pills have been sent out.  Wow that makes me really reassured.  Small dicked bastards all over the world have been duped by this company into buying a bunch of supplements that are available at your local drug store, for 4 times the price.

Four, you can get a free week’s supply of Extenze for just the cost of a postage stamp.  “If Extenze didn’t work could we afford to do that?”.  Well, apparently they can.  Sign me up for my free sample!

Most of these pills are made up of Yohimbe, Ginsen, Horny Goat Weed etc.  These are all things available at most places they sell vitamins.  They all are said to promote healthy circulation which in turn can mean better boners.

So does it work?  Yes it works!  I got my free week supply in the mail and I took 3 times the recommended dosage for 3 days and now my “certain area” is at least 8 inches in girth in addition to my generous 3.25 inches in length.  I can barely fit in Bob McFlurry’s mom anymore, she loves it.

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The 5 Worst College Social Scenes in the Philadelphia area: #3

By: F.X. Galvin

# 3 Holy Family University – Give me a break

University located in Philadelphia, must be a cool place. HAHAHA. Located in lovely Northeast Philadelphia, Holy Family like so many other schools has attempted to expand. Up until about ten years ago, Holy Family was strictly a commuter college, populated with kids from the Northeast. The school worked… Many local kids got a mediocre to decent education from a four year school. What did Holy Family do? Take a page from the Neumann College playbook and built residence halls. The school just is not built to be a live-in campus.

Holy Family made the most of their athletic program, moving up to Division II from NAIA to allow itself the capabilities to give scholarships. Great move, I have to give it to HF, attract kids from outside the area with a scholarship then the word will spread and students will want to come there. Eventually, Holy Family will become Neumann, Arcadia, and Cabrini and start bringing in better students and more dollars. Great idea, but sorry, not really working yet. . . Maybe in ten years but not yet, only time will tell. Like stated above, Holy Family is located in Northeast Philadelphia. It just doesn’t jump at you as a place to go to college. Admittedly neither does Temple, LaSalle, and Widener, which are located in worse neighborhoods, but they have something Holy Family does not…Tradition.

Anyway the point of this is really to talk about the social scene at Holy Family. Rumor has it, even though it is small, the people do drink at Holy Family, and it can be a good time. The problem is that the parties resemble the kind in your parent’s basement where you are scared to be loud to wake your Mom up. “Shhhh. RA’s coming, Everyone shut the fuck up, I can’t get written up again.” That just has to suck. Ten people in a room scared of fake college officials, just is not college, sorry. I tired to find out on Holy Family’s website how many students live on campus but I was unable to because it was almost impossible to navigate through. Holy Family, you definitely need some IT help, I hear Beerslugger is available, hit em’ up seriously, you need it.

Ok, so the campus is beat where are you going to go? Let’s hit up Frankford Ave. and all of the classy bars in the neighborhood. Let’s barhop from Casper’s to McNoodle’s to Coach’s to Rauchets Tavern. This will be an awesome time. Maybe, don’t get me wrong, I have been in some of these bars and know people that go to these bars but they are locals and go there because everybody knows their name. It is not a place for college kids unfamiliar with the neighborhood to try to make friends. You cannot go into one of these bars acting like a young, out-of-town, college kid who thinks he owns the place because they are the cat’s pajamas at Holy Family. You will inevitably get your ass beat. Locals do not stand for that shit. Every Monday I exchange war stories with one of my closest friends at work, HR Chick, who lives in the Northeast. Her bar stories include countless fights (got no room talk considering I have a black eye right now, really long story but not that interesting. If you comment and want to hear it I’ll personally e-mail you), resulting in hospitalization, stabbings and random pit bull attacks within the bar. HR Chick is a reliable source, she is not white trash, she is educated, and attractive. I do not want you get the wrong impression considering the abovementioned stories. This is just what happens at these places weekly. Also, to the defense of these local bars, it is not the bar’s fault, it only takes one asshole to create a melee at a corner bar on a Saturday night. Good luck out of town Holy Family students.

I have no problem with Northeast Philadelphia. Several of my closest friends hail from its various parts. It just is not an area conducive to college kids. It is great for locals to commute to, but unlike Neumann, which Holy Family tried to emulate, it just is not built to be a college town. And really, bottom line when you cannot copy of Neumann properly, which is not saying much, you have issues.

A link to the 4th Worst College Social Scenes in the Philadelphia area