5 Worst College Social Scenes in the Philadelphia area: #1 Eastern University “GPS Your Career”

By: F.X. Galvin

Sorry that it took me so long to write this article. Hopefully my article yesterday explains my absence and delay. W.J. Beerslugger has been harassing me to write this article so here it is.

Eastern is located off the main line a stones throw away from Villanova in St. David. It is a “University” (not sure how they pulled that off) strongly rooted in the Christian faith. Everyday that I drove to bar review class this summer on I-95 I passed a billboard sponsored by Eastern that proclaimed “GPS your career.” This maybe the most misleading billboard I have ever read and Eastern should be ashamed. Eastern does have many of the same majors other colleges do but it boast its youth ministry program where you can get your B.A. in youth ministry as well as a minor in biblical studies. . . why not give a degree in leisure studies it may be as useful. Also, it has a joint program where its students can go to a seminary and receive their B.A. This false advertising may trick some normal kids of coming to this school, which is terribly wrong. Overall, this school is packed with Christian extremists who have a promising future creating their personal Jonestown or becoming the next David Koresh. These freaks are strange enough to believe themselves to be the final prophet like Koresh did.

I know I gave you a brief background on this school above but it has nothing to do with partying. This is because there is no partying. Drinking is forbidden on this campus. Yes, absolutely forbidden. If you violate this rule you will be cast down with the Sodomites. Seriously, I am not kidding these people will try to rewrite the Bible to scrutinize you while they cannot even be honest with themselves. If you get caught with drugs they may hang you at high noon. (just a rumor)

The rules that this school make it sound more like cult training camp getting you ready to drink the Koolaid instead of a college. First, drinking it outlawed as mentioned above. I know several kids got kicked off the soccer team for good because they drank. That type of punishment is worse then high school and is completely ridiculous. Furthermore, you cannot show up on campus drunk. Yes, you will be in deep shit if you are wasted even if you are not caught drinking on campus.

Now for my favorite rule . . . What happens if the opposite sex comes to your dorm room. The light has to be on, the door has to be open, and two feet have to be on the floor at all times, meaning no one is allowed to be chilling on the bed. You cannot be serious! I was allowed more action in my Mom’s basement in the 10th grade. How could you possibly put these constraints on grown adults. Also, how could you go to a school that mandates this absurdity. I know these rules to be fact because one of my friends from college dated a girl from Eastern and refused to ever go there after one visit . . . do you blame him? Consequently, the same guy ended up marrying the girl this past year. Go figure, he has told me several different stories from weddings she has forced him to go to, in which her college friends got married. My favorites are the two weddings that alcohol was not served . . Yes, completely dry. What, are you fucking Muslim? Even JC rocked some wine from time to time. . . Lighten the fuck up, a drink would do you some good.

The abusive rules at Eastern may work mentally for many, but it will definitively serve as chaos for many others. Some of these kids leave campus, taste freedom and go insane. Two of my buddies in college met two of these freaks walking through the mall. They came over to their dorm and fucked them unmercifully for 24 hours until they demanded they checked the fuck out. Seriously, this is the chaos that results from people who are constrained their whole lives.

One final story I have about this college comes from when I interned for a politician on the state level my senior year of undergrad. The politician took me to a check presentation at Eastern as they won a state funded grant for winning a contest in recycling. You may wonder how a school with an enrollment of 4,000, which includes its undergrad, graduate, and seminary program can win a recycling contest over the massive state schools within Pennsylvania. Answer: These people are insane, and recycling contests are the shit they do for fun. I’m all about saving the earth but when I was in college and for that matter, right now, I am more concerned with myself and people I care about. Sorry, guess I’m a dick. Well anyway, back to the story . . . to get a laugh out of the crowd, which was filled with school dignitaries, the student council, and other relevant students and faculty, the politician starts off with a one liner “Wow, you must have drank a lot of beer to win this contest.” Complete silence, crickets. To this day I bet she has no clue what she did wrong. That speech hurt her re-election campaign, she lost six votes. She would have been much better off with some bullshit line on how God inspired the student body to recycle every piece of paper, aluminum, glass etc. to win this contest. Usually, the God line is a cliché but in this instance it is the standard.

I will not lie to you, I have a problem with religion and especially my religion, which I will not disclose. I will not delve into my personal views on the subject because I do not want to ruin a future article. However, have faith in yourself, believe in yourself do not let a group of fanatics tell you how to live your life. WWJD . . . Get wasted.

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